>>> Item number 21293 from WRITERS LOG9311C --- (91 records) ----- <<< Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1993 09:30:30 JST Reply-To: WRITERS Sender: WRITERS From: Mike Barker Subject: SUB: Ghost Writers Ghost Writers Copyright 1993 Mike Barker T.J. Seitz 1313 Mockingbird Lane Stone #69 Cemetery, NY 00666 Dear Mr. Seitz: Our ghost writing services are available at unusually low rates for people in your condition. We fully appreciate the difficulties in maintaining an active sex life surrounded by maggots, mud, and other dampening conditions of the afterlife, and have dedicated some of our best work to foreplay for stiffs. One of our satisfied customers went so far as to tell his victims "they'll be the death of me" and, of course, he was right. We do have one iron-clad requirement before we put a stake in you, though. Our backers insist on it, even though we would like to avoid such formalities. However, our experience shows that to avoid zombies, necromancers, necrophiliacs, and similar nightlife, it is necessary. Therefore, we must ask you to prove that you have a heart. We will not question you as to where you ripped it out, nor is it necessary that it currently be pumping blood, but we do ask each of our customers to bring us at least one real heart before we begin work. Of course, you need not be reminded that animal hearts, valentine cards, and other phony hearts are no substitute for the real thing. So, we await your reply with hunger. Please hurry, so that we can help you enjoy the full afterlife you deserve. We have already sharpened a stake for you, and we can't hold it forever. Requiescat Im Pacem Vlad Alucard Founder, President, and Accounts Ghost Writers, Unburied. Remember, only Ghost Writers in the Sky can make forever a real pain! So start the afterlife right, with Ghost Writers in your coffin... Guaranteed by a lower power to keep you unsatisfied with death. (we also provide fang repair services for a slight additional charge) If possible, would you please answer the following questions? While your answers will not influence the service we provide or affect in any way the fee we will take whether you subscribe to our service or not, they are needed for the most effective blackmail in the hereafter. 1. Date of Death? 2. Closest Dead or Dying Relative (or other person to contact in the event you are inadvertently returned to permanent oblivion)? 3. Permanent Address (Indicate at least which of Dante's Hells you inhabit)? 4. Have you signed up for the Final Trump yet? 5. Would you be willing to donate a hand or other bodily part to the local coven? 6. Have you ever, knowingly or unknowingly, been treated by Dr. Frankenstein? (Please check for bolts in your neck or forehead - many people miss these subtle signs) 7. Please list all gold, jewels, real estate, card numbers, bank accounts, or other resources so that we can run a proper credit check on you. You do not need to list items on your person, we have already stolen those. 8. If some portion of your body was cryogenically preserved, please list the repository so that we may confirm that they have properly flushed it down the drain. 9. Please list all card games you play. We are currently forming new bridge teams, poker pots, and other time wasters. Don't be concerned about your skill level - you will always lose. We all do. 10. If, by any chance, you were an editor or critic, please note below. In this case, we have a special program for you. When you have finished the above questions, relax. Our experts will be along shortly to finish draining your blood, ensure proper rotting of the flesh, and make your body the worst it can be... forever. ------------------------------------------------------- thanks, tj - prompted by your - Re: SOCIAL: postcard pleadings V V tink (fangs for the arteries!) -------------------------------------------------------