Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 21:27:25 +0800 From: Raymond McDowell Subject: INT: On The Road B.B. Loi was worried. That's not unusual. She always worried about something. It was kind of a hobby for her. A way to find glitches in the system and foibles in the plan. The plan now underway was working seamlessly except for one item. This was the source of her present concern. "Momma," she said to the older lady puttering along behind her. "Yes, daughter number six*." "Momma. I think we're lost." "I thought as much. You never did have a sense of direction. When you were a baby you got lost in the shuffle and never found your way out. It's all your father's fault, of course." "Of course," agreed B.B. Loi. "But now that I'm married, the blame can rightfully be transferred to my hubby." "Oh, daughter number six. I'm so proud of you, carrying on our time honored traditions. Most young people today ignore the old ways." "Not me, Momma. I know which side of my tofu the oil goes on." "Good girl," smiled Momma Wong. Just then Rqy chugged up to the them, wheezing and gasping for air. "Hi," he grinned. "You!" both women yelled and B.B. Loi performed a perfect vertical leap, punctuated by a sharp kick from the point of her right go-go boot precisely into Rqy's solar plexus. There was a massive expulsion of dead air and Rqy flew backwards off the side of the road and into the brush. Rqy eyes bulged awkwardly and he curled up into a fetal position among the weeds. "Wha--what's wrong?" he whimpered. "We're lost, and it's all your fault," the two ladies cried in unison. Xiao, who had been thrown clear when Rqy flew backwards, hopped up and strolled over to his fallen father. "That's what we call true love in Hong Kong," he said. "Woman never beats a man 'less she loves him." "A-and what if she beats him to death?" "Oh my, that would be true love indeed." Rqy forced himself to uncurl and sit up. He coughed and sputtered. "B.B. Loi, does that mean you don't know where we are?" "Oh I know precisely where we are," said B.B. Loi, checking the bundle she cradled in her arms to make sure the contents hadn't been jostled too roughly. "And where exactly is that?" "China," answered B.B. Loi. "It's just the particular details I haven't figured out. I think we made a wrong turn somewhere near GuangZhou." Rqy proceeded cautiously, not wanting to arouse any more undue affection from his spouse. "You mean that isn't Beijing up ahead of us, babycakes." "No, darling," said B.B. Loi, offering a hand to him and helping him up. "You see that odd spire in over there." "Yeah," said Rqy. "That looks like DaLi to me." "DaLi!" shouted Xiao. "Euro-hippie heaven? Sex, drugs and Chinese opera? All at cut-rate prices, too. Let's go." B.B. Loi caught Xiao by the scruff of the neck as he tried to dash past her. "You think I would let you and my hubby near that den of iniquity?" "Don't you trust us, sugar pants?" pleaded Rqy. "Of course I do. It's just that you have no impulse control or good sense." "But sweety lump, we have to find a transporter to get us where we're going. A place like DaLi is bound to have one somewhere, even if it's in the back room of a hostess club, massage parlor or opium den. And it would be unseemly for a good girl like yourself to go there asking questions about illegal activity." "That's right," added Xiao. "But they expect that from foreigners like Dad. He'll blend right in." "But what about his shaved head and Monk's robe?" "Aw, just pierce something visible, stick in some of Momma Wong's jewelry and they'll think it's a fashion statement," said Xiao. "They're right," agreed Momma Wong. "You might as will let them go. And you know the old Chinese adage. `Boys will be assholes'. Just think of this as another one of his business trips." "Okay, but if he brings back something contagious I'll dissect him like a frog." "Oooh! kinky," said Rqy. "I'm looking forward to it already." "Tschee Tsi!**" answered B.B. Loi, then she began fluttering her eye-lashes coquetishly. "But seriously, you will behave yourself, won't you?" "Uh--well--" Xiao nudged Rqy."Of course we will," he growled. "I promise Dad won't have a lick of fun until you see him again." "He'd better not." Then B.B. Loi grabbed Rqy by the ears and kissed him hard. "Now go out and find a transporter. Asia is depending on you." "But what will you and Momma Wong do while we're gone?" Momma Wong broke in. "I'm going to start making dinner for you. Workaholic girls, licentious boys and foul mouthed monkeys need proper nourishment to make sure they reform their ways. I'm going to make some shark's fin soup, mushroom and oyster pig-intestines surprise, four treasure tofu, steamed fish and southern fried squid." "Wow! so that's why your backpack is so big." "Of course, these foreigners never have the ingredients for a proper meal." "But Momma Wong, we're in China." "My point exactly. Now be off with you. And you, daughter number six. Start slicing the vegetables." As B.B. Loi pulled the razor sharp chopping knife(the same kind triads use in executions) she looked lovingly towards Rqy and said, "And whatever you do, hubby, remember I really(the sound of vegetables being chopped) really (the same sound, only louder) love you." A look of horror flashed across Rqy's face. He gulped loudly. "And I love you, wifey-poo," he gurgled. Then Rqy and Xiao headed towards the town. (to be continued) * translated from the Chinese. **Untranslatable. Means insane, but not necessarily fatal. Cast: B.B. Loi: Former radical feminist popstar turned secret agent. Also wife of Komrade Rqy Momma Wong: B.B. Loi's mother. Rqy: Ne'er do well and vagabond. In short, a writer. Also husband of Ms. B.B. Loi. Xiao Da Shing Shing: Former cyber-ape turned hominid.