Date: Sun, 29 Mar 1998 21:11:52 +0800 From: Raymond McDowell Subject: INT: On the Road at The Resort: Training "Now, lads," said Bruce Magrill, "We come to the crucial part of any Orztralian fitness regime. Here's the scenario: You've been up all night doin' clandetine activities for the gud o' wotever 'cause you're espousin' at the time. Then you get caught an' tortured within a milimeter o' your worthless lives. But then, as if by magic, the Orztralian marine corps comes to the rescue. They take youse down from the torture rack an' saves y'r bleedin' hides. Outta gratitude you suggest a go at the nearest pub for a celebration. Once there, these so-called marines start plyin' youse with copious amounts o' beer, gin an whiskey--accordin' to your own personal tastes. Okay Mates, now here's the rub. What if these bloody Marines ain't Orztralians after all. What if theys all disguised as Orztralians to set you at ease sos they can getchu inebriated an' take advantage o' your friendly nature. 'Ow can youse tell if theys really loyal Orztalians or not?" Rqy and Xiao looked at each other. Rqy shrugged. "He lost me when the Marines showed up," said Xiao. "Oi'll tells youse wot y' do. You challenges them to a drinkin' contest. No roight an' proper Orztailian could resist such a challenge. An' if youse win, why you knows they ain't Orztralians." "Ahh! I understand now," said Rqy. "This is the Kobyashi Maru of Australian survival training." "Roight, Mate. An' it's also the cornerstone o' Orztalian diplomacy. If they was an Orztralian diplomat gone to Iraq they woulda opened up alla palaces, flop-houses an' chemical plants wit'out a squeal 'r' whimper. Economical too. A good case of Scotch is a whole lot cheaper 'n' a single aircraft carrier." "No wonder Australia hasn't been invaded by anyone. First thing you do to any foreigners is get 'em drunk and by the time they get over their hangover, their visa's expired." "Clever devils, you Aussies," grinned Xiao. "An' donchu forget it," said Bruce. "Now, for the purposes o' this demonstration we got us a Pommie turned Tasmanian to take y'r measure, alcoholically speaking of course." At this, a tall lady dressed in a conservative business suit stepped up beside Bruce. She was tall and had long grey hair set in a bun. A shy smile played across her lips. "This 'ere is Ms. Pearson. She volunteered to help youse boys learn how to drink like an Orztalian. An' since she's a transplant, we figured there was a better chanct that youse could survive the contest." Ms. Pearson fluttered her eyelashes innocently. Bruce quickly set up a folding table and conveniently dug a case of Amber rum out of the sand. (To be continued) (For anyone wishing to follow this meandering saga from the beginning, Tink has graciously allotted it some space at the WRITERS segement of his Web presentation. Just tune your Web browser to the following URL: http://web.mit.edu/mbarker/www/road/road.html) Cast: Ms. B.B. Loi: Former Hong Kong pop star, now a secret agent for the HKSAR. Also wife of Rqy. Momma Wong: B.B. Loi's mother. Rqy: Now disguised as a buddhist monk, he is a ne'er do well and a vagabond. In short, a writer. Husband of B.B. Loi. Xiao Da Shing Shing: Cyber-monkey turned hominid. Wolfesse Elle: Drill Instructor and Mythical Tasmanian. Phanny: A proud and productive member of the WRITERS community. Also Rqy's cyber-sis. Bruce Magrill: Resort Security Guard. Ms. Pearson: Seemingly an innocent by-stander.