Date: Mon, 16 Feb 1998 18:49:40 +0800 From: Raymond McDowell Subject: INT: The Wongs Visit Hillbilly Haven (The story so far: Ms. B.B. Loi has been dispatched by the HKSAR government to quell the conspiracy that has caused the wholesale slaughter of HK chickens, the fall of the Hong Kong Hang Seng Index and the El Nino weather pattern. To accompany her on her mission, she has chosen her mother, her husband and his cyber-familiar. Ms. Loi became separated from her party when she inadvertently turned the newly purloined Dalai Lama synchronized porta-transporter on herself. Rqy and Xiao have just transported to her last known coordinants.) I done been to two goat races and three county fairs an' I ain't seen nothin' like I saw that night. There I was, takin' my pet pig, Mable, for a walk and was comin' up on the town square when I saw a man in a dress suddenly 'pear outta thin air. To make matters worst he was carryin' a midget on his shoulders. I knowed I was seein' a haint, 'cause only haints carry on like that in Carrolton County past nightfall. But then ol' Dan'l Cragleton stepped outta the dry goods store and yelled at 'em friendly like to identify themselves. Well, that haint tweren't havin' none of that 'cause he done turned on Ol' Dan'l and whipped out a devilish light on 'im. I thought it was Ol' Dan'l's time for sure 'cause he flat out disappeared. Well then, I shushed Mable and commenced to tippy-toin' on outta thar and back to my shack when Ol' Dan'l come started blinkin' in and out like a flame flickerin' on a campfire. Right there on the porch he was. An' he wasn't at the same time. An' when he started a'talkin', why, it sounded all fluttery like Skinny Whitman when he sings hymns in the choir on Sundays and his adams apple gets a seizure. "Whut th' hail is goin' on hyar?" yells Dan'l. "Ah'm a' lookin' for my wife," sez the haint. "Ain't no decent wives gonna go sneakin' 'round after dark any further than the outhouse," says Ol' Dan'l. An' I could tell right then it 'come to him that this had to be a haint come a' hauntin' 'cause next he says. "What this hyar wife of yourn look like?" That's when the midget spoke up. "She's yaller," he sez. "An' she gots slanty eyes and long black hair. How many people you got lak that in this hyar town." Well, that done convinced Ol' Dan'l and all his bluff done drained out down his pants leg. He jumped back into the store an' slammed the door shut an' I could hear the log fallin' in place to lock her tight. Well that haint started turnin' round in circles, moanin' and groanin' the way a haint does. "Bibiloiiiiii!" It called. Over an' over, like as to summon the devil himself. And you know, the devil come right up to him, risin' right from behind the horse trough. And this devil was a woman. I knowed it was a devil cause she was just like the midget said. Yaller skinned and slanty eyed. I also knowed she was the devil 'cause she dressed scandalous. 'A wearin' tight clothes an' red pants. To prove past a shadow of a doubt, I confess I could feel temptation rise up in me, an' if that ain't the sign of a devlish woman I don't know what is. (to be continued) Komrade Rqy Cast: Ms. B.B. Loi: Former Hong Kong pop star, now a secret agent for the HKSAR. Also wife of Rqy. Momma Wong: B.B. Loi's mother. Rqy: Now disguised as a buddhist monk, he is a ne'er do well and a vagabond. In short, a writer. Husband of B.B. Loi. Xiao Da Shing Shing: Cyber-monkey turned hominid. The Narrator: Mr. Johnnie Magrill of the Eldritch Holler Magrills.