Date: Tue, 17 Jun 1997 20:18:13 -0500 From: Phanny Subject: SUB: CONTEST: Humor: Poem: THE CAT IN THE HAT ON THE LIST (fwd) THE CAT IN THE HAT ON THE LIST Listen my children While I detail The woes of a cat In search of a tale. I once was a hero, A kiddy lit toff. But this kitty hit bottom When that Seuss guy kicked off. I used to be famous, Me and my chapeau. But my cushiony high life Has now turned to low. I need a new gimmick, I need a new shtick, I need a new book, And I need it damn quick! I once was a pawn, That guy Seuss ran the game. Now I want ALL the cash, And I want ALL the fame. There's only one roadblock, One bar to big bucks-- I've got big ideas, But my writing just sucks! My verbs always pounce, And my plot lines are slinky, But my grammar is hairy, And my style is plain stinky. So I found me a list, To help me to write. I did it all wrong. I admit it, all right? I joined in good faith, And I jumped in whole hog, But this list is a bore, It has gone to the dog. I thought I'd find guidance, I needed a CRIT, But all that I got Was just shit And more shit! They obsess over toilets, They do on this list. They dish out the crap, And I'm pissed. Yes, I'm pissed! Is your seat down or up? Is your seat up or down? Do you pee in da tink? Are there cameras around? Do you sit on your Phanny? Do you whiz with a friend? Do you play show and tell? There's no end, Just no end! I'm not making this up, I don't mean to be catty. I am telling the truth. These literati are batty! These folks are so scruffy While they wax poetic. These folks are unpolished, I mean, REALLY pathetic! What about pronouns? What about plot? I need the write stuff, Not this drivel, This rot! Some youngblood, Some bad blood, Some wits, And some nerds, Some flames, And some twits, And some REALLY BAD WORDS! Does it sound like a bore Like a great big old bore? Yes, it does, But there's more, Yes, there's Much much much more! There's a real pseudo crimelord Whose name starts with "X," And some monastery dude Who writes all about sex. A dancing Anitra Cavorts with a Gem, Who rocks with a Feldspar. And there's gobs more of them . . . There's a guy Randy Money. Now isn't that rich? Some doll detests Eliot. Now ain't that a bitch? Cute Wes puts his butts In a cup, not a can, And he even gets paid, What a man! What a man! There's some guy on the Fritz, And a Maryanne stalled, And a Pet Fish-- I mean Pat Fish, Or whatever it's called. Then there's Anthony T, No, not D, I said T. This is all so screwed up, And it's rattling me! That beverage guy Lost his FILL and fell flat. Is lenzcap a writer, Or an optical hat? Wendell has Ricketts, CK's vowels were mislaid, Rocketman was just blasted, But the daddy-o stayed. Each day's Roz Shoshonna, Well, nearly each day. And Carol's always Cross. Who knows why? Who can say? Zelda is Scott-less, And Judy's sans Punch. LL's missing Bean. What an unbalanced bunch! So many wackos, It boggles the brain. They're all flamin' crazy, Or just maybe inane. Dozens of quotes Come from Lady Jane Gray. There's a she-wolf named Elle . . . (What's "ter" mean, anyway?) Elizabeth Taylor-- I never knew she could write! She might marry Dan Goodman, Well, she might, She just might. And they yap about Manson, About luck and "the muse," And other dumb stuff That I'll never ever use. And I've had quite enough. For me, what is in it? I'll sign off right now. Yes, I will, Right this minute! So ta ta, you Writers, I'm going offline-- Wait! Some babe named Linda Is talking feline! She's calling all writers To tell her just how They learned to love cats. Now we're cooking! Meow! This thread is like catnip, This thread is sublime, This thread has me purring, And it's about time. These guys aren't so yucky, These gals aren't so blah, These cats are way cool! They love cats! They love MOI! But I still need to split, I'm just dying to travel. Got some itches to scratch, Got a yarn to unravel. Got places to go, Got some birds to pursue, But wherever I stray I'll be thinking of you! So ciao, tink et al, Ms. Phanny's the bestest! (I try to make a habit of saluting the contest-ess) Adios, you cat lovers! (I dab at a tear) I'll miss you SO much, And I'll yearn to be here. And I'll come back one day, I'll come back with aplomb. Sign me: Kitty Litterary@9LIFERS.COM