Date: Tue, 24 Jun 1997 08:49:47 -0500 From: Phanny Subject: SUB: CONTEST: HUMOR: PROSE: HAGGERTY'S BIG DAY Haggerty's Big Day The shrill of the alarm clock jerked Haggerty off the exotic island paradise of Hajiba and deposited him firmly back in his bed. He rubbed his eyes as he switched off the alarm and turned to Mildred, his dear wife of twenty years. She was still asleep, gently snoring, her mouth agape beneath a bristling array of pink curlers. Gently he touched her cheek, then, carefully so as not to wake her, he slid out of the bed and headed for the seclusion of the bathroom. Once inside he allowed himself the satisfaction of a smile, then drew himself up to his full, scrawny 5' 1" and positively beamed into the mirror. Of course he was only 5' 1" when he was here with Mildred. On Hajiba he was at least 6' and had on one occasion reached the dizzying height of 6' 4", but today, 5'1" plus his 3" elevated shoes would have to suffice. He shaved carefully. This was, after all, no ordinary day. For one day each year, plain old Haggerty became drummer Haggerty in the local Peach Festival Parade. He was a celebrity by local standards and if the recent spell of warm weather held, his fans were sure to be out in force today. This was to be the biggest parade yet. To accommodate the crowds they had decided to lengthen the route and they would be marching for almost two hours. After the parade there would be a party to honour the band and last year some children had even asked him for his autograph. He gave it of course. This year he had briefly considered handing out autographed photographs, but Mildred had told him not to be so ridiculous, not that he paid her much attention, but he was rather hoping that she would help him with the cost of producing them. Mildred came into the bathroom as he entered the shower. "So you're out making a darned fool of yourself again today are you?" she shouted over the noise of the shower. "Yes dear, that's right dear." "Well don't think that I'm going to stand on the corner watching you." "Yes dear, very good dear." He closed his eyes as the steaming water cascaded over the last weary remnants of his graying hair. "And don't expect dinner ready when you come back." "Very good dear," he said, although he knew it would be waiting for him, as always. Probably something special too. Haggerty laid out his uniform on the bed, placed his hat firmly upon his head and turned to the mirror. He cut a ludicrous figure, naked except for the navy blue hat with the large gold badge over the peak which proclaimed "Whistlethwaite Town Band". His ears, large and misshapen jutted from under the hat. Mildred had pointed out on more than one occasion that he would never have to suffer the problem of having his hat fall over his eyes. He was buttoning his uniform when the telephone rang. "Haggerty?" It was Alan Thompson, the new band coach. "Pat Morrisey is sick. We want you to lead the parade today." He replaced the phone in a daze. Lead the parade! For years he had dreamed of this day, but was always passed over by coach Harrison. Now Thompson had taken over the band and Haggerty was finally being given his big chance. He sat down on the edge of the bed and imagined the cheers of the crowd as he, drummer Haggerty, led the procession through the town. "Who was that?" Mildred called up the stairs. "Wrong number dear," he called back. Because of his short stature, he was unable to carry his bass drum unless he wore it, so he tended to attract attention to himself. As he walked to the buss top, children marched along the street in caricature, laughing, and shoppers paused in the street to smile and nudge each other as he passed by. Haggerty returned the smiles of his fans with a friendly nod and a wave of one of his drumsticks. Many people were going to the parade today and there was a long line up at the bus stop when Haggerty arrived. He often wished that he could afford to buy a car, but since he had been fired from his job at the dairy three years ago the money just wasn't available. Since then the only work he had done was when he tried his hand at cleaning windows, but that came to an end when he fell off his ladder. He lost his head for heights after that and there wasn't much demand in Whistlethwaite for window cleaners who couldn't clean upstairs windows. Transporting a bass drum on a bus was an exercise fraught with potential disasters, something that he was all too familiar with. He remembered the time last year when the bus had jerked forward unexpectedly and his drum rolled down Market Street. Unfortunately old Mrs. Harris had been plodding up the hill as the drum was rolling down. Just outside Greenhall's butcher shop Mrs. Harris and the drum had collided. Haggerty, racing down the hill had arrived to find her lying on the sidewalk surrounded by groceries with her skirt over her head and displaying her knee length pink knickers to all who passed. The drum had continued on through the window of the Co-op, where it demolished a carefully balanced display of baked beans before coming to rest on a shelf of eggs. Mildred was in the store shopping at the time and had never let him forget it. The bus ride today was without incident except that in changing he had forgotten his wallet. A kindly neighbour took pity on him and offered to pay his fare. When he reached the assembly point the rest of the band had already arrived and was busy rehearsing. Haggerty marched to the front and gave his drum a resounding whack. The parade was quite large by Whistlethwaite standards. First would be drummer Haggerty. Next, the trombones flanked by pipers who in turn were flanked by the flag bearers from Whistlethwaite High School. Immediately behind would be drums followed by tubas, bugles, trumpets and more pipes. Behind them would be a variety of floats decorated by local businesses, followed by fire engines, police motorcycles and the marching members of local service clubs and lodges, each preceded by their own flag bearer. The whole parade would be surrounded by uniformed horsemen and clowns and jugglers in fine costumes would work the crowd, collecting money for local charities. Haggerty called for silence, and inspected the members of his band. Then, calling everyone to attention, he struck his drum three times. A loud cheer rose from the crowd as the band turned onto Main Street. The parade had started. The sidewalks were packed with people. Children pressed against the safety barriers, waving flags and dancing in excitement. Old ladies, who had arrived several hours early to secure the best viewpoints, sat swathed in woolen blankets on garden chairs. Behind them the crowd pressed forward in anticipation. More people leaned out of windows, waving as the band passed by. Haggerty's chest swelled with pride. Mildred was there although she wouldn't let Haggerty know, it might go to his head. She had to admit though that he did look rather splendid in his uniform, with his big bass drum polished to a dazzling shine. Mildred was not a person to display affection easily, although Haggerty knew, deep down, that underneath her tough exterior she was good hearted and that she still cared for him, much as he cared for her. When the band marched into the town square the crowd was much larger. Haggerty was nodding and smiling to his fans when he suddenly realized that he didn't know which way to go. It hadn't been important before, he was supposed to follow Morrisey. Straight ahead was Oakland Street. Market Street intersected from his left and joined the square to his right. The band marched on. Then he saw Mildred jostling through the crowd. Haggerty, feeling more wretched by the minute, panicked. He was almost past Market Street when Mildred noticed that he wasn't turning. "Turn," she called. "Turn." The crowd took up the call. "Turn." Haggerty turned - back into the square. The band marched along behind him as the crowd watched in horror. It wasn't until he reached Main Street that he realized his folly. Ahead of him the parade continued to pour into the square. As he looked around he realized that there was no way out, so he stopped - dead. The trombonists realized what had happened and tried to stop behind him, but, with the momentum of a laden freight train the band pushed forward and Haggerty went down. Bodies piled on top of him. Some of the drummers went around the growing tangle of bodies and the much reduced band continued marching on until it met the floats that were still entering the square. The float entered by the local dairy was decorated as a farmyard, complete with live chickens and a dairy cow and it was in front of this motorized farm that the remnants of Haggerty's band appeared. The driver swerved, mounted the median and came to a halt at an angle of forty five degrees. The cow, who had been quietly chewing cud slid silently along the astro turf floor, through the fence and landed on the road. The chickens followed. By this time Haggerty had extricated himself from the tangle of bodies. He arrived still wearing his drum, just in time to see the local fishmonger's float which carried a forty foot long glass fibre salmon, hit the farmyard float and deposit its giant fish on top of the assembled crowd. The cow decided that this was perhaps a good time to leave and promptly bolted. Stopping only to shout, "catch the chickens," Haggerty set off in lonely pursuit. The drum slowed him considerably and halfway along Main Street he undid his leather shoulder straps and dropped it onto the sidewalk. Slowly he started to gain on the cow, whose progress was somewhat impeded by the scattering crowds. Old Mrs Harris was having a splendid time. She had been one of the first people to arrive and was sitting with her friend Gladys. "Here, did you just see a cow go past?" she asked, turning to Gladys. "Well it looked like a cow," Gladys conceded, "but it's marvelous what they can do these days." Mrs. Harris nodded in sage agreement. Meanwhile, Haggerty's drum had started to roll, slowly at first, but rapidly gathering momentum as it bounced along. By this time, Haggerty, puffing like an old steam engine, had stopped to catch his breath. He looked back along Main Street at the carnage below, and noticed the rolling drum at the same time as he saw Mrs. Harris. The next few seconds seemed to pass in slow motion. Haggerty stood, frozen to the spot as the drum hit a curbstone and bounced into the air. "No, please no," he begged. The drum hit the road, just before it hit Mrs. Harris. Haggerty saw her tip, and then she was lying in the road once again. He looked up the hill. The cow had gone. "It's probably halfway home by now," he thought. A crowd had gathered around Mrs. Harris, who was now back on her feet. "Here, did you see a drum?" she asked, turning to Gladys. "Well it looked like a drum," Gladys said. Haggerty decided that under the circumstances it would probably be best to miss the party. Wearily he walked over to the bus stop. "Fares please," called the conductor. Haggerty reached into his pocket, then remembered that he had forgotten his wallet. He looked around, but this time, nobody offered to pay his fare. It was a long walk home. Mildred was there but she didn't say anything. She just looked at him and shook her head. "It could have been worse," he thought later as he lay in bed. "The first part went well."