Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 20:43:00 -0400 From: Ray McDowell Subject: INT: PAAA: Rqy's Therapy Session Komrade Rqy sits in a barber's chair on the porch of the Sweating Pig Tavern while Roz's friend, Siggy Freud, sharpens a razor. When Siggy speaks, he waves the razor about like a baton. "Vot haf ve here, young man. I zink I zee a disassociative pattern spurred by zee Oedipal complex. Now, how many fingers am I holding up?" "Two?" "Und vot iz zee zignificance of theze fingers?" "Uh--to give directions?" "Hah! Und vhy did chu vant to teach your little zizter zee trick wit zee spatula?" "Huh?" "I vill tell you vhy. Because you are a dirty minded little boy who only vants to sleep with your mother. You hate your father for threatening to castrate you." "My father never...." "Never? Never!" Siggy pulls out his pocket watch and begins swinging it front of Rqy. Siggy's voice dropped to a low whisper. "Und vot time iz it now?" He moves the razor close to Rqys exposed throat. "It was Jenny Longfree's father who treatened to castrate me. Not my father. And I never wanted to sleep with my Mother. I wanted to sleep with every body else's mother." "Ah-ha, Zat exsplains the mystery." "Eh," says Rqy, trying to climb up the back of the barber chair while Siggy alternately emphasizes his words by flashing about first the razor and then the watch. "It iz zee name, Longfree. Az long az you vere single...or ze same as...you were free. Und you maintained zat freedom for many, many years before you decided to zettle down wit' a gud voman. Eh?" "Maybe you're right," says Rqy, short of breath and finally making it over the back of the barbers chair. He makes sure to keep the chair between himself and the razor. "I always tell everybody, 'I married my good girl'. Maybe that's what it all means." "Uf course zat is vot it means. You married your 'good girl' und destroyed your freedom. Zen you became Chinese und started zinging karaoke songs. But deep in your heart you know you are NOT Chinese. Und vhen your uncle Mao finds out this awful, dreadful truth he vill castrate your right to residence und send chu back to zee Mother Ship Womb from vence you came. You vill be confined wit notting but memories of Prince Charles vaving gudbye und zinging Auld Lang Syne with a bunch of men carrying guns and vearing kilts." Then Siggy lunges towards Rqy and whams him upside the head with his watch. Rqy falls to his knees before Siggy. Siggy drops the razor and puts away the watch, then clasps his hands on Rqy's bald head and looks towards the heavens. "Vake up, you nincompoop! You did not loose your sense of humour. I proclaim it. You only hafe to exercise your demons. You hafe to give zem lots and lots of exercise. Now, stand up." Rqy stands. "Now valk!" Rqy walks back and forth in front of the doors of the SPT. "Now tell me a joke." "Uh--uh--Well, you see, there's a Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. "And the old man says the the young one, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-fence-Builder? Noooo..." "Then the old man gestures at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-Builder? Nooo..." "Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to the sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me own back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." "Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. . ." "But ya get caught with your pants down with one goat........." Siggy falls to the floor laughing. "HeeHeeHee. I had zee same conversation with my own Uncle," He says. "Zee! you are cured. You need to vork on your timing a little bit, but you are cured." "It's a miracle!" shouts Rqy. "How can I ever thank you?" "Would you happen to know somevun who gives elocution lessons." Komrade Rqy from HKSAR, P.R.C.