Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 08:08:00 -0500 From: Rqymond McDowell Subject: INT: Happy Haven:The Misdirected Aliens When Cratchett came to, he was lying prone in a bathtub. To his right he saw Zoobar in a similar state. Both tubs were full of sudsy hot water. "EEAHHHH!" screamed Zoobar. "They're torturing us. Don't tell them anything Cratchett. Maybe we can't save ourselves, but we damn well better save the mission." "Get hold of yourself, Zoobar," commanded Cratchett, to which the Zoobar wrapped two tentacles round herself. "You're hysterical. I think this it the way these quaint aliens welcome their guests." "That may be so, but why does this hairless primate insist on pouring hot water down my back?" "I believe that is a form of greeting, to display non-hostile intent." "Couldn't they just massage my phulumgrum like they would back home." Suddenly a beast with blood-red eyes leapt into the tub with Zoobar. "Didchu say 'phulumgrum'?" "Why....yes. But I take it back if it offends you." "Nah, 'tain't nothin' offends me 'cept when youse lies to me," said the beast. "Zoobar....." "Yes, Cratchett." "Unless I am mistaken, that is the legendary moster, Wolfesse, sharing your bath and slavering on your chin. Be careful, it's said she has a taste for the exotic." "Oi. That I do, Mr. Alien. An' youse better answer right'n' proper, else I'll rip yer bleedin' exotic intestines out." "Um--that's Ms. Alien, Mr. Wolfesse--" "RRrrrrrrr." "Ms. Wolfesse?" "'At's better," nodded the transmorgified legend. "Yes--well, what would you like to know?" "You says you knows all about phulugrums?" "Well, yes. Of course. Phulumgrum study is the crux of medical science on--" "Zoobar!!!" "Oooo. Sorry Cratchet. The monster had me in her spell. I started telling the truth and I could hardly stop myself." "Careful. Next you'll start telling her all about Houston..." "Cratchet!! We swore never to utter that secret." "Secret? Houston? Why? Is that the name o' th' planet youse come from. The planet Houston?" "Uh--" "Not another word Zoobar!" "I don't give a bleedin' damn 'bout yer planet Houston 'r any o' your secrets 'ceptin' what youse knows 'bout curin' phulumgrum poisonin'. I gots a mate wot suffers 'orrible from that affliction an' if youse knows how to cure her up, I wants to know right now." "Very well. There's no great secret about that. Our medical technician, Doctor Hon, and her assistant, Nurse Fool were in the armada. If they survived, I'm sure they could help." "Thanks, Ms. Alien. An' I wouldn't really tear out your intestines. It was only a figure o' speech. Now I'll see 'bout findin' yer Doctor an' see if theys can cure up Phanny." Wolfesse then jumped out of the bath and trotted to the door. But just before she exited, she turned back to the aliens and grinned at them, showing them all of her razor sharp canine teeth. "By th' way, welcome t' Orsztralia an t' the Happy Haven. Hope youse have a good time. G'day to youse." The two aliens then grabbed their asses with both hands. This was obviously a ritual they observed in any momentous occasion. After Wolfesse left, both relaxed a little bit. They were just beginning to enjoy their hot baths when the door swung open and in walked a dust covered pony-tailed Prince and his consort, Snow. "At last. The Happy Haven," exclaimed the Prince.