Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 06:18:51 -0500 From: Words from the Monastery Subject: SUB: VDC: "Is the Grass Always Greener?" (essay) THE END IS HERE! Thanks to everyone who submitted ... I'll get a list to the list soon ... ;) The 1998 WRITERs' Valentine's Day Contest Remember, save your critiques please and send you entries to Michelle and me not the list for entry into the contest. ***** "Is the Grass Always Greener?" My friend, you tell me you are in love. It begins while you stand at the printer in the office, and the new guy looks questioningly around the room. Feeling the tingle come from your toes, you flush and smile. An indescribable feeling of lust and intrigue grips you. Everything in your world goes up in flames. You float to your desk and think of nothing and no one else. Several "chance" meetings later, you realize that he experiences the same thrill. Despite the consequences, your emotions run high with the thought of being with that person and drowning in the passion you believe you share. The new guy, you say, is better, more exciting, more attractive than your husband who comes home tired from work and wants to watch TV. The new potential lover wants to take you out for romantic dinners. Your husband wants you to cook. Your husband never tells you how nice your hair looks today or that the new dress brings out the blue sparkles in your eyes. The new "lover" compliments you constantly. You share common interests with the potential lover -- for example a love for theatre -- and you find you suddenly resent that your spouse has never had any interest in taking you to see a play. Will you disregard all the interests you and your husband share? Have you ever thought to ask him to take you? Will you continue the flirtation to see where it might lead? Or will you remember that you have a husband with whom you have created a home and a life? My friend, you say this new guy consumes your thoughts, desires, dreams and emotions. When he walks through the door, your body tingles, your heart races and your mouth dries with the anticipation of being near him. Thoughts of touching, kissing and holding him sweep up every moment of your day. It's the infatuation of teenagers with an adult twist--a spouse. Psychologists believe that during a marriage, a person will fall in love an average of five or six times with someone other than his or her spouse. The new attraction becomes an addiction. You understand this idea, my friend. The new guy absorbs your thoughts, your emotions, and your every movement. You dream of a life with roses and passion, of desire and perfect love, like the ones in romance novels. All you can think of is spending a life with this person whom you think is perfect. Until that person becomes everyday. Over time, you will begin to notice that the new person sounds like your spouse with whom you believe you are no longer in love. The other person isn't as perfect as you thought. You realize he has idiosyncrasies you can't stand for long. He has stupidities that now, in the beginning, seem endearing. Even the overwhelming passion you feel when you touch him will fade--as it did slowly with your spouse, leading you to fall in love with someone else. This time, however, in addition to all the trials that come with beginning a life with someone new, you must deal with the anger, resentment and disappointment of hurting and losing your husband. He is the one person with whom you have built a home and a life and vowed to love for better or for worse. You may not see it now, but if you leave the life you have, and you start seeing the potential lover's dirty socks and underwear, you see that the "new" person really isn't perfect, and indeed, never was. Eventually, you will start fighting about money, sex, kids (his and yours), and in-laws. He, like your husband now, will probably never want to put the dishes in the dishwasher, and will still wash whites and reds together. You'll still have to cook dinner, and he will still put his cold feet on you in bed and steal all the covers. My friend, you say you are torn between the two people you adore. Which person to love? Will it be the one that you found years ago, perhaps have children with, have a life with, cried, laughed and almost died with? Or do you begin again with someone new, starting over, struggling for the safety net that your spouse gives you now? Maybe the passion isn't always electrifying every night, but his love is fulfilling and safe (don't forget the very real threat of AIDS) in your own bed. If you think of "only" having an affair, do you want the guilt, the need to watch the clock to make sure you are not late getting home? And what about the lies, the deception and, most of all, the risk of losing a security that you struggled to nurture and sustain for so long? Your security, your home is a sure thing, an entity that should not die. In the end I believe you will realize your passion for your husband never left, only your attention to each other. Finding romance in your life is not easy. It needs work--it demands your guidance and your ardor to rekindle the smoldering love that still exists between you and your husband. Learning to love your husband again requires no difficult tasks. Simple gestures like kissing and touching can show all the passion you have bottled up inside. Find the romance that you felt with him in the beginning. It's still there. Perhaps show him that he has set aside his attentions for you. He may not have realized in the everyday humdrum of life that the passion you share has been forgotten. How do you show your husband that romance isn't dead between you? Send him flowers, leave notes on his pillow, put his toothpaste on his toothbrush so he knows you think of him. Leave the kids with a babysitter, and take in a show. It isn't just sex-it is falling in love over and over and over again. You'll find that the feelings of anticipation, desire, and curiosity of the unknown are still there. Also, remember that you never completely know the one with whom you vowed to you spend your life. Find something out about him. Make a list of questions that you never bothered to learn--what his favorite kind of dog is, what his favorite scent is, what author he likes the most. Ask him about his childhood-who the neighbor kids were and what they were like. Find out anything new, and once you do, you will realize that he holds within himself secrets for you to discover. He's still a "new" lover. However, I tell you, my friend, if you feel you have truly found someone to love who is not your spouse, revel in the newfound friendship. Thrill with the gift you've been given--someone who shares certain life experiences that you don't share with your spouse. Remember that loving someone is not all or nothing. Appreciate and drown in the thrill of a true friendship--but don't let it destroy the joy you've found and created with your husband. Because chances are you already have paradise in your life, in your home and in your bed. Don't let him go. In the end, you will be happier. The saying is "the grass is always greener" but most of the time, it really is the same grass with just a different name.