Date: Wed, 7 Jan 1998 05:58:24 -0500 From: Words from the Monastery Subject: [WRITERS] SUB: VDC: Personal Columns (Short Story) The 1998 WRITERs' Valentine's Day Contest Remember, save your critiques please and send you entries to Michelle and me not the list for entry into the contest. ***** The personal Columns Po Box 3072 Carlsharlton 03.02.98. Hello (?), It seems rather strange writing to you when I don't know your name. However, I saw your advert in the personal column of the Carlsharlton express and thought I would drop you a line. I have never responded to a personal ad. before, so if my letter appears clumsy -then I apologise up front. My name's Dave well, my middle name is. If you reply to my letter I'll probably summon up the courage to tell you my Christian name! I am 38 years old and have been living in this city all my life. Computers, golf, reading and music (any kind) are among my interests -which I know from the advert is similar to your interests. But (sorry), I don't like going to restaurants. My main hobby is cooking and it's something I know I do very well -I moonlight from my normal job by teaching cookery classes one night a week at the college. So whenever I go to a restaurant I find myself inadvertently studying the quality of the food and marking the chef out of a 100! So if I'm with company it doesn't make for good conversation! I suppose it would be helpful if I described myself... Well I'd like to say tall dark and handsome -but I'm not! I'm rather plain with a stomach that correlates with my hobby (not too much, though). I'm hopeless at shopping -especially for clothes. I hate it when the shop assistant comes up to me and asks: "Can I help you, sir?" so I always end up buying something quickly that neither fits nor suits me. The contents of my wardrobe prove this sad fact. I don't really know what more I can tell you... I expect your advert will generate many replies. If my letter finds itself at the bottom of the pile, then I understand, but I would like to hear from you. Fingers crossed, Dave 12 Priory Gardens Carlsharlton CA33 3BD 09.02.98. Hi Dave, Thank you for replying to my advert. (If it hadn't been for my sister's persistence, the advert would have remained a few words written and eventually discarded, unpublished.) Thankfully, having read your letter, I'm happy that I allowed the advert to be placed. Though I did get some strange replies! Most men replied telling me about their big businesses and describing themselves with film-star-good-looks. If they are genuine, why do they need to look in the personal columns? You didn't say if you are single or divorced and so on. I'm divorced. My former husband wanted to emigrate to Australia after being made redundant. I couldn't bear the thought of being so far away from my family -so we decided he would go and maybe one-day I would follow. Well, I never went and eventually he met someone else. That was nine years ago and I've been on my own ever since. It sounds like I could help you when it comes to shopping. I love shopping for clothes. I just ignore the shop assistants and take as much time as I like. And when it comes to cooking, I think you can teach me a thing or two. Do you have a modem on your computer? If you have, my email address is Ce@onlineC.uk I use my computer quite often. I've got a programme called Mirc; it's a chat programme. If you've got it we can talk together on it. There was no description of me in the advert. Just my age and interests. I'm a size eight (that means slim if you don't understand women's sizes), and I have short dark hair. I'm 5'9 and I think I'm still attractive. I hope that we can meet one day, but I'd like to know more about you, first. I trust you understand my unwillingness to dive headlong into a meeting too early. The address above is my parents. Write to me there or email me. I look forward to hearing from you. Kathy. (That's my middle name, too) To: Ce@onlineC.uk From: Richard@onlineC.uk Subject: Modem defeats snail mail! 12.02.98 18:45 Hi Kathy, Well, now you have learned three more things about me: I have a modem. We share the same server, and, my name is Richard! And here's a fourth: I've got Mirc -though I've only used it a couple of times. Would you like to meet up there for a chat some time? Reading your letter filled me with joy, excitement and many other beautiful feelings. I really didn't think that you would give my letter a second glance. You did! Wonderful! You replied! Superb! I understand your feelings about meeting me too soon. The papers are full of people who rushed into meeting total strangers with dire consequences. I'm prepared to wait. And when we do meet for the first time it would be a good idea to bring your sister along -you can't be too sure these days. I am single. I lived with a girl for about six months, but it was a disaster for both of us. We turned out to be opposites together, friends apart! I'll send this now. Today being Thursday means I have to go to college -7.30 - 9.00. Your reply can't come soon enough! Love, Richard To: Richard@onlineC.uk From: Ce@onlineC.uk Subject: What's cooking? 12.02.98 19:21 Hello Richard, (I like that name) It was a lovely surprise to receive your email. It's almost 7.30pm now and I'm wondering what delicious food you and your students are going to prepare. I feel hungry thinking about it! I am really tempted to drive to the college and wait to see you leave. I'm so curious to find out what you look like. But I don't want to be accused of stalking! Yes, I'd love to talk to you on Mirc. Tomorrow, Friday, is a good time. If you go to Chatzone at 8.00pm, I'll send you a DCC -which means we can talk in private. If this time is no good, please let me know. You will also have to tell me what nickname you will be using. I've thought about your suggestion of me bringing my sister along when we meet. It sounds a good idea. Maybe we can organise something for Saturday evening? (I won't suggest a restaurant)! Perhaps the cinema... I'll close here, hoping that we can meet up on Mirc tomorrow. Love, Cathy To: Ce@onlineC.uk From: Richard@onlineC.uk Subject: I'll be there, waiting. 12.02.98 21.30 Dear Cathy, (I like that name, too. 'C' or 'K') Doesn't email work quickly? I send a letter - leave the house for a couple of hours - and a reply is waiting for me! Tomorrow at 8. Fine. I was going to chose the nickname 'Valentine' because Saturday is Valentine's Day -but I decided against that idea because Friday the 13th is supposed to be unlucky... No, I'm not superstitious -just don't want to question fate! So I'll use the name 'Richard III' (no relation). I'm sorely tempted to put Mirc on now and wait... I don't think you would like to eat the culinary disasters dished up at the college this evening... Julienne of carrot turned out to be soggy orange matchsticks. Steak Diane revealed itself as a burned offering wearing a brown lumpy hat -and as for the cabinet pudding -words fail me! I had to settle for a cheese sandwich and a few harsh words! These students come to us as part of their training from local hotels and restaurants ... the cinema sounds good for Saturday! Impatiently waiting for tomorrow, Lots of love Richard. WILL YOU ACCEPT A DCC CHAT WITH CATHY? Cathy says: Hi! I'm so happy you made it. Richard III says: Me too. I didn't think I could do so much work around the house in half an hour. The time passed so slowly! Cathy says: It's been the same for me, too. I've been nervous all day just thinking about it. Richard III says: The waiting is over! Cathy says: I've spoken to my sister and her husband about going to the cinema tomorrow. Are you still interested? Richard III says: Absolutely! Richard III says: Do you know what's on? Richard III says: Hello! Richard III says: Are you still there, Cathy? Richard III says: '?' Cathy says: Sorry. I just had a call from my boss. He's in court on Monday morning. Richard III says: You work for a criminal? Cathy says: Ha Ha! Cathy says: No. He's a solicitor. He couldn't find the papers that I had prepared for him. Richard III says: Which firm do you work for? Cathy says: Brown and Bartlett. Richard III says: Hmmm. Cathy says: Hmmm? Richard III says: Which solicitor do you work for? Cathy says: Darek Nowak. Cathy says: Do you know him? Richard III says: You could say. Richard III says: I think it fair for me to say that I also know you! Cathy says: How? Richard III says: I also work there! Cathy says: You're having me on? Richard III says: I'm not. Richard III says: Richard Johnson. Cathy says: But I thought you work at the college. Richard III says: I do. One evening a week -It's called moonlighting. I'm very serious about my hobby (catering). Richard III says: Still there? Cathy says: Yes. Richard III says: I hope this isn't the end. Cathy says: But you're a solicitor. I'm just a secretary. Richard III says: How can you say "just a secretary?" Your job is very important. Cathy says: But it wouldn't be right. You, one of the senior partners meeting with one of the secretaries. Richard III says: Who says so! Cathy says: Well no one I suppose. Richard III says: Is that your only negative thought about meeting me? Cathy says: yes. Cathy says: So you are still interested in meeting me? Richard III says: I'll say so. I've watched you around the office. I've just never had the courage to talk to you. Cathy says: Really? Richard III says: Yes. Really! Richard III says: What about you? Are you interested in meeting me? Cathy says: Are you sure it wouldn't cause any problems? Richard III says: Sure. Cathy says: Well now I should be angry with you! Richard III says: Why? Cathy says: Because I've often talked about you to my sister. I kept telling her just how handsome you are. But I thought you never noticed me. It was her idea to put the advert in the personal column. She said I would meet someone nice and stop thinking about you! Richard III says: Well it sort of worked itself out in a round-a-bout fashion. I've got a lot to thank your sister for! Cathy says: I think we both have! Cathy says: So, what about tomorrow? Richard III says: Tomorrow? Do you really want to wait so long? What about this evening? Cathy says: I'd love to. I don't think we need my sister to act as chaperon, do we? Richard III says: I don't think that we do. Shall I pick you up in half an hour? Cathy says: That'll be good. Richard III says: Where from? Cathy says: Home. Richard III says: And where's home? Cathy says: Good point! 11 Hope close. It's right opposite the cathedral. Richard III says: I'll be there in half an hour. See you then. Cathy says: I'll be waiting. DCC CHAT SESSION CLOSED