Date: Sat, 19 Oct 1996 11:05:31 EDT From: First Words Festival Organization: Twice-Told Tails, Well-Worn Subject: INT: WFJ: Western Fantasy Journalism... Before there were INTeractive stories, we had robbins of various flavours (and robyn's of various tastes, too, but we shall avoid teasing the ire of the northern goddess:). I think this oldie moldie could use more varnishing from some of the young bloods...read, check on your own fantasies, and write us a little addition...go ahead, enjoy your trip out west, where tails are taller and Babe can still plow a Grand Canyon from here to thar in a twinkling. Please keep the INT: WFJ: in the subject line so that we know which thread you are stretching. And yes, I will try to keep track of this one on my web pages. Why? Because we LIKE you! Other guidelines for this thread? Have fun. tink -Date: Mon, 19 Jun 1995 00:08:47 EDT -From: historical tails -Subject: ROBIN: And then along came Western Fantasy Journalism... (someone asked whatever became of the fantasy journalists and their rawhide bikinis...here's what I could scrounge up...how quickly they forget!) It started with this fateful message, the message bold and true... -Date: Mon, 8 May 1995 16:27:46 EST -From: Randy Money -Subject: Re: TECH: Fantasy Writing! > maybe... > and maybe if fantasy writers were journalists, there'd be a lot more > newspapers and less paperbacks with pictures of muscle-bound women in > spandex. Or a lot more newspapers with pictures of muscle-bound women in rawhide bikinis. Yeeeeee-haw! Head 'em up, an' moooove 'em out! -- Oops. Sorry. Wrong genre. the mate was a mighty foolish man... -From: "Hidden Thoughts" -Subject: ROBIN: And then along came Western Fantasy Journalism... -Date: Mon, 08 May 1995 17:11:52 EDT And then along came Western Fantasy Journalism... tink: [compiled from Abracadabra Press (AP) reports and other dubious sources:] Five women in rawhide bikinis were found muscle-bound last night heading out on the high trial. According to sources, Sorcerors' Central found the women acting on an anonymous entrail left outside the front door of the local bar. Apparently head sorceror Genre L'Autre, sauced to the gills, slipped and fell on the entrail while leaving shortly after midnight. With the evidence in front of his nose, he acted quickly, leading to the early morning discovery of the so-called "rough riding five" heading out of town. A local sorceror's apprentice, Mickey M., has been dispatched to head them off at the pass, however, fans of light music predict the valiant efforts of the local brooms will not suffice to stop those muscles. "Men in rawhide bikinis, well, we can stop them with a little rain and sun. Women, though, they just let those muscles bound up and down no matter what the rawhide is doing. Thongs don't stop 'em, yonis wear out too fast, there just isn't a good magical stopper for a runaway woman right now," Sorceror Emeritus Jones, speaking from a puff of smoke, told this reporter. "We need to do more basic research," he added through a minor coughing fit. No news yet as to which brand of women had fallen prey to the raging muscles. They may even be unbranded free women from the open prairie. We'll be sure to bring you more news as soon as we make it up. (NEXT?) [For those who don't know--a ROBIN is an exercise in joint writing. You should feel free to continue the story, or, in this case, add another "news story" to the "Best of the Western Fantasy Journalist News" (BoWFJ News--All the Fantasy that's Fit to Read!). Put your name in the list after tink and write along...] a three-hour cruise, a three-hour cruise... -Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 13:06:10 -0600 -From: Andrew Careaga -Subject: Re: ROBIN: And then along came Western Fantasy Journalism... Journalists attacked by marauding females THORSVILLE, Fantasia -- Three male journalists were found naked, maimed and babbling incoherently early this morning in a ravine three miles north of here. The journalists, whose names are not being released by authorities, apparently were attacked by five muscle-bound women wearing rawhide bikinis. The men suffered severe abrasions, contusions and emasculation. Last night, five women fitting the description of those described as the journalists' attackers set out "looking for adventure." Authorities did not connect the incident with those women and said they had no leads as to a motive for the attack. But a spokesprite for the Erotica Liberation Front, or ELF, a transgender and sexual liberation advocacy group, claimed responsiblity for the attack. The spokesprite, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said local journalists have been trying to discredit the organization, which has been associated with lewd and indecent acts not fit to describe in a family newspaper. Sheriff I.B. Rankled refuted the ELF spokesprite's claims. "That's hogwash," Rankled said. "This don't look like the work of no bunch of fairies. We're dealing with a bunch of steroid-pumped Amazons here." He said the reporters were found semi-conscious with their hands over their groins and babbling about five muscle-bound women who, according to one of the more lucid journalists, "ripped our little dicks right off." Rankled said the three journalists are members of the Daily Phantasmagoria and Post-Gazette news staff. P.D. Whorehouse, editor of the newspaper, confirmed that the three were Phantasmagoria staffers who have been working on an investigative story about ELF's link to criminal elements in the community. "This confirms our suspicions," Whorehouse said. He added that the investigative work will continue. "We've got other reporters we'll put on the case," he said. "We're ballsy enough to cover this project from start to finish." The three journalists are listed in guarded condition in Tolkien Memorial Medical Center, a spokeswoman for the hospital said. Andy C. WHO'S NEXT? -Date: Wed, 10 May 1995 02:26:10 -0400 -From: McMahon of Borg -Subject: Re: ROBIN: And then along came Western Fantasy Journalism... Brickhouse Bandits Bedevil Breakwater BREAKWATER, Fantasia--A bevy of buxom bandits barrelled through Breakwater yesterday, sending terrified citizens scurrying for cover. The five bandits, clad only in rawhide bikinis, blazed into town on a quintet of basilisks, leaving no less than twenty of Breakwater's citizens dead, turned to solid stone by the gaze of the unnatural beasts. The bandits (who are believed to be responsible for attacks in Thorsville) were notable not only for their brawny physiques and brickhouse figures, but also for their unusually thick and prominent facial and body hair. Once they arrived, the bandits seemed single-minded of purpose, riding straight for the Breakwater Brewhaus and Billards Club, where they demanded to be allowed entry into the weekly "Babes in Bikinis" billiards contest. When bouncers initially refused to allow the bandits to enter, patrons watched in horror as the beefy security personnel were bestatued by the gaze of a basilisk, and then used as battering rams to break into the building. Barliman Biggles, proprietor and barkeep of the club, was baffled by the behavior. "Those barbaric bitches bullied my patrons all night long," he said through a mist of tears later in the evening. Bullies or not, by all accounts the buxom bandits were billiard masters. "I can't remember ever being beat so badly," said Beatrice Buttz, the former billiard champion of the club. Buttz and the other contestants were blasted by the bearded beauties, who beat the other contestants and the club out of an estimated 3,500 buckazoids. Buttz recalls the end of the evening as the bandits bolted from town: "The most brazen of the bandits cleared the table before I could shoot even once. As she calmly broke down her cue, I asked if she really thought she were better than me. Her only answer was 'Yes I am.'" After they releived the patrons of the Brewhaus of their cash, the bandits bolted from town on their basilisks as brazenly as they had entered. Billy Joe Buttz, the local barrister and husband of Beatrice, charged that Biggles was in league with the bandits, citing that he wears the same type of handlebar mustache as sported by two of the brickhouse barnstormers, but sheriff's deputies refused to comment on whether or not Biggles is considered a suspect, or just an unfortunate bystander. More news as it develops. Ken -Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 08:49:58 -0700 -From: Va Carper -Subject: Re: ROBIN: And then along came Western Fantasy Journalism "Squirrels Driven Nuts By Women" Oakdale, the Border Lands -- Earlier today, millions of angry squirrels stormed out of the old growth forest. Flicking their tails, they chattered, "Squirrel Justice! Squirrel Justice! Death to the Squirrel-Wearing Bimbos!". The marauding bandit women, who were last seen in the Border Lands, had stirred up the local squirrel citizenry, with their attire. According to Grey Hair, the spokessquirrel, the women's bikini's were made from dead squirrels. He related, "Such cruelty to think that my dear cousin, Shade Tail, is some BIMBO's underwear." Grey Hair went on to tell what happened. "The bimbos were most rude. Their manners were quite noticeably lacking. They discussed how tasty SQUIRREL stew would be. In our very presence Such cheek." "And then, after we chattered our displeasure at their boorish behavior, one of the bimbos remarked on how nice underwear, squirrel skins make. The others agreed that squirrel skins are the best. WHAT RUDENESS. SAYING THAT IN FRONT OF US. Oh, are humans strangers to manners?" "Well, then all pandemonium broke loose. You can not keep those young squirrels from having a go at it. One of them told me later, 'The bimbo got bitchy, so I sat on her head.'" The squirrels able defended themselves from the foe. They screeched and flapped their tails. Several teams of fighting squirrels shook tree limbs to rain nuts down on the women. The more daring of the group, dived bombed the women, knocking them down. "It was not a pretty sight. Fur and underwear everywhere", said Grey Hair. Apparently the women escaped by the skin of their teeth. One squirrel, Skinny Tail was severely bitten on the nose. Brown Nut, of the dive bombing squirrels, lost his tail to the teeth of one of the women. Now the squirrels are on the march to bring the five marauding women to squirrel justice. "Neither rain, snow, sleet, flowing rivers, tall buildings, the lack of trees, nor rush hour at the Gold Coin Saloon will deter us from our mission. We will apprehend them. We are the Squirrels of Oakdale. And when we finally capture those squirrel-eating, squirrel-wearing bimbos....True Squirrel Justice will prevail. We will barbecue them!", said Gray Hair. ---- NOTICE ---- NOTICE ---- NOTICE ----- This newspaper wishes to inform its gentle readers: SQUIRRELS ON THE MARCH. IF YOU HEARING LOUD CHATTERING, HEAD FOR UNDERGROUND SHELTER. DO NOT TRY TO STOP THEM. The Troll at the Whale Cove Bridge, in executing his public duties as toll collector, was driven insane by the constant chattering and tail flapping. He is presently under the care of the eminent Viennese physician, Dr. Sigmund Fruitcake. "Ze troll toll collector ist beyond hope. Zey squirrels drove him squirrelly." -- Dr. Fruitcake. ------------------------------------------------------- NEXT????? -Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 20:27:24 -0400 -From: n_parker@SMCVAX.SMCVT.EDU -Subject: Re: ROBIN: And then along came Western Fantasy Journalism NPR (Nik's public radio) brings you the up-to-date news from Fantasia where the squirrel-clad bikini ladies have been rampaging the hillside. Tonight on "Fresh Air", the stand-in for Terry Gross is Nikki Parker who is speaking with Rhianna Goldmoon, one of these interesting "femmes of fantasy land" Nikki Parker: Hello, this is Frrrresh Air..welcome. Tonight I speak with Rhianna Goldmoon who has agreed to talk on behalf of her group. Rhianna, what is it that made you and the others decide to take your message to the..ah, woods? Rhianna Goldmoon: Well, Nikki, I guess you could say that we were really sick of just being "sidekicks" for the stereotypical muscle-bound hero. The people we'd really like to castrate are those book cover illustrators. We usually don't dress like this, but we thought it might be the only way we'd get attention. NP: I see. What's your idea of "politically correct dress" for women of fantasy? RG: Oh, something with a little more coverage, you know? If you're fighting a dragon or troll, you certainly don't want to get your skin scorched. Ever try running over hill and dale in one of those weird brassiere things? You'd better hope you're a size AA and not CC. Talk about strain! And another thing... NP: One second...are you of the opinion that perhaps women are so scantily dressed on the covers in order to fulfill the fantasy of adolescent boys? RG: Perhaps so, but I don't want to think that some women think they're not good enough because they don't look like those tramps on fantasy paperbacks. Then again, I don't think only adolescent boys read fantasy novels...I think women readers want a little more equality, you know? NP: Perhaps so...now, if an atheist, Nazi war criminal or bad speller... RG: Hey, hey, save that for WRITERS, hmmm? ** NP: Oh yeah, sorry. RG: Anyway, Nik, gotta run. We've got a few Star Trek 'Cons to crash. NP: thank you, and good luck. This has been Nikki Parker, talking with Rhianna Goldmoon, self-proclaimed leader for fantasy women's rights. Next on NPR is a counter-argument with Newt Gingrich and Cokey Roberts. Mr. Gingrich feels that the fantasy women are "third wave scum" and are just adding to the deficit. (theme music) ** JOKE JOKE JOKE! okay? sheesh... if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the history would be lost... anyone want to continue the series? go ahead, make the news! tink -Date: Mon, 19 Jun 1995 09:23:05 -0400 -From: "B. T. Murtagh" -Subject: Re: ROBIN: And then along came Western Fantasy Journalism... Bikini Bandits Ride Roughshod Over Sores Sale, Filch Frogs Memorialmarker, Fantasia, 19 June 1995 - Just when it seemed safe to go back to the quiet burg of Memorialmarker ('Gun Capital of W.F. - We Don't Need No Stinkin' Amendment'), the notorious Buxom Bikini Bandits struck again!! The Opening Sale of the Sores Rawbuck General Store was marred by the sudden onslaught of the burly bimbos. A shaken store clerk, Randy Acne, described the scene: "I've seen some nasty customers in my time, but these were unbelievably bux... rude. They came out of nowhere and started rampaging through Specialty Undergarments, shoving everyone out of the line, even Mrs. Bloodglutton the butcher's wife who has those glands. They were laughing and shooting the heads and b..b..b...brassieres off the displays. They were all trying on the whalebone corsets when one of them ran in leading those..." Randy indicated the pertified basilisks in front of the display mirrors. "That's when they... I think I said enough. I don't wanna talk about it." No one at the store would detail what happened at this point, but there were many sidelong glances at Gentlemen's Underwear. The criminal career of the vicious voluptuaries might have ended at this point, trapped without their baleful basilisk mounts. As fate would have it though, Batrachian Bill and his Performing Troupe of Giant Flying Vampire Toads were attempting to set up tents in a nearby swamp. A broken Batrachian Bill speaks: "I been working on this act for two years, and tonight was gonna be our first gig. Do you have any idea how hard it is to break a two hundred pound flying frog to saddle? Heck, we had to get the damn saddles made to order, with suction cups on the inside 'cause of the slime... two years and my whole inheritance, and a bunch a brawny bitches in bikinis and whalebone corsets make off with the stock." Citizens are urged to stay under cover of a roof if at all possible. These mammalian marauders have not been seen in W.F. for over a month. The only evidence that they were still active lay in the alarming increase in Klingon border raids from neighboring TrekkERland (formerly Trekkieland). Sherriff Whippet Belch: "Wal, we was a mite unhappy about them burrhaids comin' at us all the time, but the poor fellers warn't akcherlly raidin... they was more refuGEES. More rambunctious than most, an' they wun't own up to it, but they's plenty skeered o' them thar bimbos." The sherriff's trusty sidekick and medical expert, Doc Leaveofabsence:"Funny thing... they din't useter have them points on they heads. They dun't wanna discuss that, neether. SusPISHus, I call it. They's a connection, mark my words." Mayor McSushi was unwilling to comment on the return of the thonged thugs to these here... to this area, but did say that a rescindment of the ban on ammo sales was 'bein' thunk about'. The Chronical will report any new developments. * See related story in Financial Section: 'Sores Rawbuck to return to catalog sales only' -Date: Mon, 19 Jun 1995 12:32:37 EDT -From: MR CHRISTOPHER J VAUGHAN -Subject: Robin: Busty Bimbos -- [ From: Chris Vaughan * EMC.Ver #2.10P ] -- MACHOLAND (FLD) - Five macho heroes set out Monday morning at 5:00 a.m. in search of the five furious femmes who have been wreaking havoc throughout Fantasia and the adjacent fantasy lands. They are Conan, Kull, Superman, Captain Kirk, and Rambo. Conan, acting as spokesman for the fivesome, said, "By Crom, we will bring these dastardly damsels to justice." The quintet seemed concerned that the growing rebellousness of the sociopathic sorority. "If all fantasy heroines rebel against their idiom, pretty soon it will be the men that are wearing the bikinis," said Captain Kirk. When asked whether or not they were dubious over their ability to stop the hardy heroines, Superman replied, "They aren't dealing with toads, now. It doesn't take a 'super man' to stop a few angry women. We'll be back by dinner time." The other heroes growled in support of Superman's statement. The hopeful heroes left to the cheering and grunting of the assembled male fantasy characters who inhabit Macholand. Chris Vaughan vhfz73a@prodigy.com (NEXT?)