Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 18:00:16 EST From: "just me, tink" Subject: FILLER: This one's FOR Anthony [let me see...perhaps we could sit down at this small round table, lean back in the comfortable wire-back chairs, and relax for a moment in the cheerful bright sunshine here in ecity...ah, alphonse. Just a moment--Anthony, would you like something? Donut, morning pastry, any kind of snack at all? alphonse maintains a large and impressive bounty--all fresh, all pleasing. I've asked him how he does it and he always just mumbles something about an overflowing cornucopia of bits. Alphonse, could you just get me a large mug of that rich European dark roast?...beautiful fall here in ecity, don't you think, Anthony? Feels like a time for looking back on past harvests and forward to the great things we can do this winter...just celebrating the season and the gathering...thanks, alphonse, that will do for now...] I shan't continue the tale, but I hope you might get a bit of the feeling of sitting in the sun, pondering together. That's what I would like to do for a few moments, at least. Let me start with a point that I keep trying to figure out how to get across to people. Frankly, I find it frustrating that such a simple point seems to be so hard to communicate, but I keep on trying to help people see it. Perhaps you could help me with expressing it? Let me put it this way this time -- I am, quite often, FOR people. I am seen as coming out FOR someone, as taking a stand FOR them. And it is true, I do come out and try to give individuals support, positive feedback, all that kind of touchy-feely stuff. Unfortunately, this is often seen as meaning I am AGAINST someone else. The friend of my enemy is my enemy...choose up sides and declare yourself, stranger, be you Christian or be you Heathen? En Garde! I understand, or at least I think I understand, where this comes from. If (as many do) one believes in "pro and con", "offense and defense", and other simple polarities, indeed if one's main metaphor for social exchange is "one-on-one brawling" or some such equation of language and win/lose, zero-sum "games" (and I use games here in the strictly mathematical sense, not in anyway to diminish the importance of these negotiations)...if one views the world through those black/white glasses, then my being FOR someone implies that I am AGAINST some others. Quite logical, and within the boundaries of that worldview, quite convincing. But it is not true. Allow me to pry out of context Whitman's words and proclaim that "I contain multitudes." And I am FOR you, also. Anthony, let me be extraordinarily clear about this. You have contributed significantly to this group. You have brought a focus on poetics which I have been happy to see. You have grown and changed as you learned that this list could be a place for you to work on writing. You are clearly a strong voice in the chorus that makes up the list at this time. And that's really good. My point, then, is that I am FOR you. I am also FOR ~CK~, FOR Randy, FOR Roz, FOR the width and breadth and depth of human individuality expressed here on the list and even beyond, in that strange part of our shared experience which we so blithely identify as "the real world". I even root FOR people belonging to parts of experience which most people would probably call "fiction" or even "fantasy" -- I want them to win, to succeed. (and the world will be better for this, that I dreamed and I strove with my words, to write...sorry, drifted off for a moment there...) Does this make any kind of sense to you? What? Does this mean that I accept any and all behavior, condone it all, agree with everyone? No. I refuse to confuse the person with the behavior. If you'll pardon me for dipping into religious phrasing, I try hard to love the sinner, even while I condemn the sinning. I have before and will continue to point to certain kinds of behavior as problems. I see them as damaging to our selves and our social partners. There are lists of such "grit in the social gears", such as the Thirteen Ways to Stifle Intimate Conversation (see http://web.mit.edu/mbarker/www/writers/t018538.txt). Most of us, when we are being the rational sensitive kinds of people that we sometimes strive to be, can pretty easily point to examples around us of problem behaviors. Naturally, such problems are ordinarily someone else's, rarely anything that we might do (I call this the "a beam in my eye never hides a mote in your bloody eye" phenomenon). A long time ago, one way of helping to identify problem behavior was summarized in the simple guideline "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I usually try to apply this by imagining myself on the receiving end of my own actions -- and then considering how I would feel about being dealt with in that way. Then, for a real stretch, I try to think about being on the receiving end of my actions AS THAT OTHER PERSON...with their background, their history, their fears and weaknesses. Then I think again about what it might feel like, why I might react as they do, just what it is that makes them bleed and cry and hurt... [I'll stop here. I wish this was more coherent, Anthony, but the main points are simple - I am FOR all of us. I am AGAINST certain kinds of behavior. I hope you enjoyed the coffee, and the talk. I know I rattled on, as I often do....but the sun is nice, and the company good.] thanks for the time tink