>>> Item number 19538 from WRITERS LOG9310D --- (155 records) ---- <<< Date: Sun, 24 Oct 1993 18:00:06 JST Reply-To: WRITERS Sender: WRITERS From: Mike Barker Subject: Thirteen Ways to Stifle Intimate Conversation In case you're wondering, this is NOT directly relevant to writing. I hope it may provide some background and useful information for us all. However, romance writers and anyone writing about two people trying to conduct an intimate conversation might find these useful - both as rocks in the path of true love and as a set of approaches you might try to reverse. Just before this excerpt, Dr. Elgin points out that "CONVERSATIONAL INTIMACY IS LIKE SEXUAL INTIMACY." Men, in short, are reluctant maidens when it comes to conversational intimacy. Her prescription for women who want men to consent to linguistic intimacy is keyed to that metaphor: 1. Be satisfied with just an intimate sentence or two at first; don't immediately pressure the man for _paragraphs_. 2. Don't take off verbally in hot pursuit. 3. Always treat a man's attempts at intimate talk seriously and courteously. 4. Never betray a man's intimate confidence by using the information against him. 5. Be _gentle_. This is an excerpt of p. 260-263 from the book: GENDERSPEAK: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D. John Wiley and Sons, Inc. 1993 Dr. Elgin has given permission for me to copy this for our workshop. ------------------------------------------------ Thirteen Ways to Stifle Intimate Conversation The list below is based on one assembled by Thomas Gordon; I've revised it, added categories, and provided examples of each. Nothing is intrinsically wrong with these language patterns, but they contain boobytraps for the unwary. When they're used as in the examples below, their primary effect - whether their semantic content is positive or negative - is to bring conversation to an abrupt _halt._ All offer multiple opportunities for violations of this basic rule: - UNLESS IT IS YOUR _GOAL_ TO CUT OFF COMMUNICATION ABRUPTLY, DON'T SAY THINGS THAT MAKE PEOPLE THINK: "WHAT ON EARTH AM I GOING TO SAY _BACK_?" In the examples to follow, unlike my usual practice, I haven't given extra information about intonation. As is true for any utterance of English, these examples could be made harmless by scrupulously careful intonation in a proper context. However, with almost all likely melodies they cut off conversation by making response difficult or impossible. 1. NAMES AND EPITHETS "You sexist pig!" "Airhead!" "Creep!" "You're a saint!" "You genius!" "You wonderful, generous person!" 2. EVALUATIONS "You lost your job because you weren't willing to turn in your work on time" "You're always so good to other people; you never think of yourself at all." 3. DIAGNOSES "I know why you won't go out with me. It's because I remind you of your mother." "You're only saying that because you're so tired; you don't really mean it." "You wouldn't say no if I had a bigger car and more money to spend." 4. DIRECT COMMANDS "Go take off that awful tie!" "Don't just throw the tinsel at the tree! Put it on there one strand at a time, carefully!" "Don't do that! Here, let me do it!" 5. PROPHESIES "If you marry that woman you'll regret it for the rest of your life." "You're going to hate yourself in the morning." 6. SERMONS "It's wicked for you to dress like that. The money you spend on your suits would clothe a large orphanage." "Because you spend more money than you earn, you are always going to be in debt. Decent people budget. You should lie awake at night and thank Providence that you aren't living in an alley and eating out of a dumpster." 7. INTERROGATIONS "Why did you do that? What did you have in mind when you decided you were going to behave like that? Why didn't you talk to me about it first? What was going on in your head?" "What did she say to you? How did she look? Did she look like she was angry or did she just look bored? What kind of expression did she have on her face?" 8. UNSOLICITED ADVICE "Let me tell you what I'd do if I were you." "The first thing you have to do is find an apartment. I'll tell you where to look first." 9. HIJACKINGS "You think you had a bad day? Let me tell you what happened to me today." "You think you work hard, but you don't know the meaning of the word! I'll tell you about hard work." "Before you go on, that reminds me of a story I heard this morning." 10. REDUNDANT INFORMATION "You have long red hair." "You're very tall." 11. REASSURING SQUELCHES "You'll get over it; you'll see. A year from now you'll look back on this and laugh about it." "Just put it out of your mind and don't worry about it anymore. By the end of the week, you won't even remember that it happened." 12. CUTESIPATION "You're so cute when you're mad!" "Well, of course I think your little stories are worth reading; they're charming." "That shirt makes you look tall." 13. CONTRADICTIONS "You are not hungry. You just finished eating." "You're not tired. You couldn't be tired." You can't eliminate these structures from your speech. There are going to be times when you need them, times when they are the proper and appropriate way to communicate. But you can be aware of the hazards they present and use them with special care. It's difficult enough to keep intimate conversation moving without adding these additional roadblocks. It's important not to fall into the trap of thinking that as long as what you're saying is "a nice thing to say," everything will be all right. Many people who never allow an unkind word to cross their lips are baffled by the efforts others make to avoid conversation with them. It's hard to think of a response to "You're a _pig_! I can't stand the _sight_ of you!" that will allow the conversation to continue. But the same is true of "You're so _brilliant_. I'd give my right arm for a mind like yours - it's a privilege just to be _around_ you!" The speaker may mean that sincerely and deeply; that doesn't make it any better. The listener can't say "Thank you" without appearing conceited. A modest "No, I'm not," will only lead to "Yes, you are!" and another utterance like the first one. There's no way for the conversation to go on after something like that, and the most usual response is an uncomfortable silence while the listener searches for words. ------------------------------------------------