Begin with Todd sitting alone with a document in his hands (Thesis). Ad-lib. Then Ken shows up.

Todd (played by Ed): Hey Ken. How’s it goin’?

Ken: Okay. And yourself?

Todd: Not too bad.

Ken: Where is everyone else?

Todd: Oh, my defense isn’t supposed to start for another thirty seconds, so my committee’ll probably be here in ten minutes.

Ken: Is Jessica coming?

Todd: No, she couldn’t make it. I’m really startin’ to miss her. Last weekend was our one weekend a month apart, and it was tough.

Ken: Well, at least you’ve found the right girl. I sometimes wish God wouldn’t have given me so many choices. It’s nice being the kid in the candy store for a while, but after a while you long for stability.

Todd: Yeah, I know. It really helps to have someone like Jessica.

Ed comes in.

Ed (played by Todd): Hi guys.

Ken: Hello Ed.

Todd: Hey Ed, how’s it goin’?

Ed: Okay. And yourself?

Todd: Not too bad.

Ed: Where’s everyone else?

Todd: Oh, my committee’ll be here. Don’t worry. It’s only three minutes after.

Ed: Really? Because I thought I was running late. My watch says that it’s fifteen minutes after.

Todd: (looking at his watch): Oh no. I know what’s wrong. I had my watch set on Jessica time, which is ten minutes before normal Eastern time. I came up with that because she’s always ten minutes late for everything, so I just decided to try to fool myself into thinking she’s on time.

Ed: Interesting.

Todd: So where in the world is my committee?

Ken: Yeah, and why are Ed and I the only two friends of yours who showed up.

Todd (looking at Ken): Oh, that’s no coincidence. I invited you here because I wanted to have God in my corner, and (turning to Ed) I invited you here because you make me feel smart.

Ed: Oh, thanks. I appreciate that.

Todd: I knew you would.

Ken: So what’s going to happen? It doesn’t seem like your committee is going to show up.

Todd: I don’t know. I guess I just won’t graduate for another semester.

Ed: But what about Jessica?

Todd: Who? Oh, Jessica. I don’t know when she’s going to graduate.

Ed: No, I mean, don’t you want to get out of here so you can be close to her.

Todd: I don’t know. Then I won’t have the fun of flying home every weekend to see her. It’ll all be too easy then.

Ed: Sort of like how it is for Ken when he pursues women.

Todd: Exactly.

Ken: Come on, guys. It’s not like I have that much success. I mean, just last week two girls turned me down.

Ed: And how many said yes.

Ken: I lost count.

Ed: See.

Ken: I guess you’re right.

Todd: Well, even though I don’t mind not graduating, this is pretty discouraging. I mean, I’ve poured four years of my life into this project and my committee doesn’t even show up. I heard that somebody scheduled their thesis proposal recently and had their committee not show up—

Ed: That would be me.

Todd: Okay. That must have been bad. I mean, you tell the profs what time, what place, remind them, hand them a written document with the time, place, and date on it, and then they don’t show up. I mean, that’s rough. But for me, I’ve met with these guys before. I’ve shown them a lot of good results, and for them not to show up, well, that’s a slap in the face. I’m so mad I could say shucks…Oops, sorry. I didn’t mean to curse.

Ken: It’s okay. Not everyone’s perfect.

Ed: So, what’s say we head over to the Thirsty Ear and say hi to Greg. Maybe a beer will help free you from this feeling of complete and utter abandonment that the neglect of your thesis committee leaves you with.

Todd: All right, let’s head on over.

At the thirsty ear. Greg comes in.

Todd: Set me up. Give me the strongest stuff you got.

Greg: Is Killian’s all right?

Todd: Sure.

Ken: I’ll take a non-alcoholic beer.

Greg scoffs at Ken.

Ed: I’ll have what that girl over there is having.

Ken: What girl?

Ed: Don’t you see? Under the television.

Greg: That’s not a girl.

Ed: Oh…um, I guess I’ll have a Diet Coke.

Greg scoffs again and shakes his head. He walks off and brings back the drinks.

Todd proceeds to drink his beer and starts acting inebriated. He starts to open up.

Todd: I tell ya. I don’t do this very often. I think I need to pour my heart out to you guys with all that’s been going on.

Ed: Please do. We always wonder what’s really going on with you.

Todd: Well, who is the real Todd Hastings? Y’all know I’m from Kentucky. Or you at least think you know. The truth is, it’s all a lie.

Ken’s jaw drops.

Todd: And didn’t you ever find it odd that my first name is Jeffrey but I go by the name Todd.

Greg: Now that you mention it, I have wondered about that a lot.

Todd: I’ve never told anyone this before. My real name is…Darth Vader.

Everyone looks aghast.

Todd: My folks named me that because they thought it sounded strong and noble. But then, a couple years after I was born, Star Wars came out, and all the kids in school started to be mean to me. They would breath loudly every time I passed them. After Empire came out, they would always say how rotten of a father I was. My folks did all they could to shield me from it, but it was no use. Once ‘Return of the Jedi’ came out and they restored some of Darth Vader’s dignity, it was too late. I had officially gotten my name changed to Jeffrey Todd Hastings. J for Jedi. T for Tatooine. H for Hungry.

Greg: Hungry?

Todd: Yeah, now that you mention it. Could you bring me some pretzels?

Greg: No, I mean your name. Why does H stand for hungry?

Todd: Oh. No reason. By the way, can you set me up with another brewskie?

Greg: No, I’m afraid I can’t do that, Todd. You see, I pride myself on moderation, and never allowing friends to drink more than they can handle. It’s almost as if God placed me on this Earth so I could keep people like you from going over your limit. You’d have to be crazy to drink more than you can handle.

Todd: But I really want another. I can handle it.

Ken: Come on, Greg. Give him another, won’t you? I think he’s earned it.

Greg: No way. Uh-uh. Over my dead body he has another drink. I care too much about his future to allow him to have another.

Todd: All right. I guess you’re right, Greg. Thanks for watching out for me.

Greg: Anything I can do.

Todd: Well, that beer’s made me awful tipsy. You got some black coffee I could down.

Greg: Absolutely. Cream or sugar?

Todd: Just sugar. That’s my nickname for Jessica.

Ed: So Todd. I have a question. Do you mind if we start calling you Darth from now on?

Todd: No, not at all. In fact, I would encourage anyone , wherever they may be, to start calling me, Todd Hastings, Darth Vader from now on.

Ken: Great, Darth. I think that’s great. So do you want to go with us to see Star Wars Episode II?

Todd: Episode II? What do you mean?

Ken: The new Star Wars movie. It came out yesterday.

Todd: I didn’t hear about that.

Ed: You should have, Todd. They say it’s better than The Phantom Menace.

Todd: The Phantom Menace? What’s that?

Ken: Never mind. Maybe we should see Spider-Man instead.