Cast:
David – TonyEvans
Ed – Brian Bucher
Ken – Jon Kane
Wes – Wes Schwarzeneggar
Intro: Monday Night Bible Study, This is based upon an episode, witnessed by Ken Lau, when things got a little heated over the discussion of predestination vs. freewill. It’s exaggerated, of course.
Tony reads Ephesians 1:1-6: 1Paul, an
apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God,
To the saints in Ephesus, the faithful in Christ Jesus:
2Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus
Christ.
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has
blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4For
he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in
his sight. In love 5he predestined us to be adopted as his sons
through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will-- 6to
the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he
loves.
Tony: As you can see, this is overwhelming evidence for the limitation of our free will.
Brian: Woah, back up a second there. This passage is not saying anything of that nature. Sure, if God wanted to he could say who will and who will not be saved, but God hasn’t simply sent a bunch of robots to Earth to carry out his will. If I was going to make a robot, I’d make it totally obedient. But we’re all horribly disobedient toward God.. Look at your fellow Brits– they gave us Edward the Longshanks, Henry the Eighth, Prince Charles, and Hugh Grant, and their only redeeming contribution was Austin Powers.
Tony: So what’s your point?
Brian: Free will.
Tony: Predestination
Brian: Free will.
Tony: Predestination!
Brian: Free will!
Tony: Predestination!
Brian: Predestination!
Tony: Free will!
Brian: Ah,
gotcha! You said free will!
Tony: Well, how about if I use that free will to
introduce you to my five friends! And while I’m at it, here’s a present for
you.
Tony throws a
hardboiled egg at Brian. It hits him and little happens because it’s
hardboiled.
Brian: Nice throw, Shakespeare.
Jon: Hey guys, just shutup! Okay, everybody
shutup! Come on, Brian, go do your TV commercial and cool off.
Tony: Why is he doing a TV commercial?
Jon: Well, we needed money to replace all the
furniture that’s been broken during our all-too-frequent fights, so when Dr.
Pepper called and asked if they could use Brian’s Midwestern good looks to sell
one of their products, I jumped at the chance.
Brian heads over
and takes a sip of his Diet Dr. Pepper.
Brian: Mmmmm, this does taste more like
regular Dr. Pepper!
Tony: More like regular Dr. Pepper than what?
Brian: What do you mean?
Tony: Well, it has to taste more like regular Dr.
Pepper than some other thing. What are you comparing it to?
Brian: I don’t know, I never thought of that.
Tony: Oh, I see. So you just went along with what
the advertisement told you and didn’t bother to analyze whether it made sense.
So that slogan, which is garbage, went in, and it came back out of your mouth
as the same garbage. Garbage in, garbage out. It’s almost as if the commercial
programmed you to say that. As if you’re a robot, and that in fact you were
predestined to say that.
Brian: All right, I’ve had all of this that I can
stand.
Brian takes out a
severed plastic bottle and goes toward Tony.
Jon: Oh no! A broken bottle made of polyethylene
terephthalate.
Brian stops.
Brian: What’s that?
Jon: That’s the polymer that that bottle is made
from.
Brian: Oh.
Brian continues
toward Tony. Jon steps in but he can’t hold him back.
Jon: Brian, stop! Stop! Help! Help!
Adrian appears.
Wes (in Austrian accent): What is the problem?
Jon: A member of our study has gone berserk. Who
are you?
Wes: I am Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s twin brother,
Wes.
Brian sees Adrian
and stops.
Wes: What is your problem?
Brian: Uh, I haven’t got a problem.
Wes: Are you sure that you do not have a problem?
Because it looks like you have a problem. You look like a little girly man who
has a problem with his little girly-man life.
Wes takes one of
Ed’s old T-shirts and rips it in half.
Brian drops the
broken bottle and cowers before Wes.
Jon: I’m sorry, Wes. Ever since Ken joined the
study we’ve been having problems with violence.
Wes: Oh, yeah, I know how dat is. In 1991, when
the machines sent back the T-1000 from the future to terminate John Connor I
came face-to-face with the horrors of violence. But in the end, I defeated the
T-1000 and in the future mankind will triumph over the machines, proving that we
are superior to those pre-programmed piles of spare parts. But I must go now,
for I need to get back to the set of Terminator 3: Victory over the Austrian
Accent.
Jon: Do you plan to visit our study again?
Wes: Oh yes. I’ll be back.
Wednesday
(ChemE) Bible Study
Cast:
Cynthia – Cynthia
Greg – David
Intro: This is Wednesday night study #1, which has been called the ChemE study because it meets in the ChemE building and it has a lot of ChemEs.
Greg: Okay, this is David’s week to lead. What passage have you chosen for us to go through?
David: I thought we’d analyze 1 Timothy 5:23. It rocks hard.
Greg: Only one verse? How can you stretch one verse into an hour? It’s not as if you’re Gordon Hugenburger.
Cynthia: And half that time is spent pushing his glasses up his nose.
David: Hey, watch what you say about my Gordy! He rocks hard.
Greg: Whoa, whoa, whoa! If you want to start a confrontation go to the Monday night study. Just read your one verse for us so we can start.
David: Okay, 1 Timothy 5:23: Stop drinking only water, and use a little wine because of your stomach and your frequent illnesses.
Cynthia: Okay…
Greg: Why did you select that verse?
David: Because it so clearly illustrates the big G’s desire for us not to abstain from alcoholic drinks, and it exhibits the healing power of alcohol. I mean, if it rocks harder than water, it’s gotta be great.
Cynthia: Maybe the water was the thing making Timothy sick.
David: That’s why I never drink water. Instead of 6-8 glasses of water, I drink 6-8 beers.
Cynthia: No, the water itself didn’t make him sick. The dirt and germs in the water. Water wasn’t so clean in those days. Nowadays, in America, clean water isn’t exactly scarce. I think you’re taking this verse out of context.
Greg: I agree, Donald. After all, look at Romans 14:21. It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall. Or perhaps you’d prefer Proverbs 23:20. Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat. Or maybe Ephesians 5:18. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.
Everyone looks at David. David gives an annoyed response (either sticks his tongue out or some other disgusted gesture). Then his countenance brightens.
David: Greg, you’ve convinced me of the error of my ways. I
always knewed you’d be there for me, brother. You’re always there to make sure
none of your GCF brethren fall prey to the dangers of strong drink.
Greg: Why thank you, David. And you know what?
David: What?
Greg: You rock hard.
David gives Greg a wink.
Cast:
Ken – Ken
Wes – Wes
Single girls – Single girls
Intro: This is the other Wednesday night bible study, which meets at S&P. There has been some confusion about which book we are studying. For everyone out there, this study will be studying James. But that hasn’t been easy for the people in exec to grasp apparently, because I’ve seen in various locations that we’ll be studying Acts and that we’ll be studying Hebrews. Maybe someday, later this year or whatever, but right now we’re studying James. And it’s important for you to remember that there is confusion about which book we’re studying, because it plays an important role in the skit. I need to acknowledge Brian Regan, a brilliant stand up comedian, for some of the material in this skit.
Ed and Ken talking on the phone to each other.
Ken: I’m really looking forward to this Bible Study, because I just love leading discussions and taking charge of situations.
Ed: Yeah, that’s nice, but we need to get them to put the right book on the website.
Ken: Why? What’s on there now?
Ed: Well, I don’t know. It keeps changing, but so far it hasn’t been right yet. Last time I checked it said we were studying Hebrews.
Ken: Hebrews? Do I look like a Hebrew?
Ed: What’s that got to do with it? You suggested that we study James and your name isn’t James.
Ken does the Joe Early reaction from UHF.
Ken: That’s actually not true. I didn’t suggest that we study James. I merely pointed out that James was a good acronym for what our study is all about.
Ed: And what does the acronym James stand for?
Ken: Joyous Adventures Meeting Exotic Singles.
Ed: Oh, perfect. But what makes you think there will be any females at our study.
Ken: Oh, I surreptitiously put that in the GCF brochure. Next to our study’s time it said, “For Single Females only. Tom Brady, Pierce Brosnan, Mark Harmon, or any of the other men Ken finds handsome will appear.”
Ed: But isn’t that dishonest?
Ken: No, I find myself handsome and I’ll be there. I thought about saying “Darth Vader may appear,” but then I decided that might attract men.
Ed: Oh, you mean Todd’s thinking of joining?
Ken: Yeah, since Wednesdays are the one day of the week he’s not home visiting Jessica he said he might be able to make it.
Ed: But I thought this study was for single females.
Ken: Well, it’s not as if Todd, I mean Darth, isn’t spoken for.
Ed: Good point. Well, I guess people should start arriving soon.
Single girl #1 shows up.
SG1: Hi, is this the Hebrews Bible Study?
Ken: No, it’s not!
Ed: Whoa, easy Ken. Take your Ritalin. (Turning to single girl) This is the study you’re looking for, but we’re actually not studying Hebrews. We’re studying James.
SG1: Oh, great. I’m just happy to be in a study with a bunch of other girls. But why are you here? Are you Pierce Brosnan’s chauffeurs?
Ken tenses up and looks angry.
Ed: No, we’re actually leading the study.
SG1: But why would two men be leading a study for single girls?
Ken(without hesitation): So! What’s your name?
SG1: Kitty.
Ken: I’m Ken.
Ed: I’m Ed.
SG1: Pleasure to meet you, Ed.
Ed: No, the pleasure’s all mine, Kitty, or should I just say, MEOW!
Single girl one sits down.
Single girl #2 shows up.
SG2: Hi, is this the Acts Bible Study?
Ken: No, it’s not!
Ed: Ken, what did I tell you about your medication? (Turning to single girl) This is the study you’re looking for, but we’re actually not studying Acts. We’re studying James.
SG2: Oh, great. I’m just happy to be in a study with a bunch of other girls. But why are you here? Are you Matt Damon’s hairdressers?
Ed: No, we’re actually leading the study.
SG2: But why would two men be leading a study for single girls?
Ken(without hesitation): So! What’s your name?
SG2: Aymie.
Ken: Oh, A-M-Y?
SG2: No, A-Y-M-I-E.
Ken: Huh…I have to go take a nap. My name is Ken, I spell it K-E-A-Y-N-B-V-D-A-S-A-P-B-Y-O-B-the number 7 – the letter Q
Ed: Would you like to sit down, Ayyyyyyyymie?
SG2: Yes, thank you.
Single girl #3 shows up.
SG3: Is this the Song of Solomon study?
Ken: No, it’s – I mean, yes. Yes, you’ve come to the right place.
Ed: Ken, I’m very disappointed. (Turning to SG3) I’m sorry, but we’re actually studying James.
SG3: Oh, fantastic. My name’s Caroline.
Ken: Hi Caroline, I’m Ken. (Mispronounces it.)
SG3: No, it’s Caroline. It’s Caroline, Ken.
Ken: It’s Kay-uuun. Yes, my name is Kay-uuun. Can you
say that correctly? Very few can.
Ed: Have a seat, Caroliiiiine.
David shows up.
David: Hey guys, you’ve gotta let me into your study. Man, you don’t need all of those single girls for yourself.
Ed: Sorry, David, but I think we do.
David: But aren’t you forgetting the first golden rule?
Ed: The first golden rule?
David: Of course, ‘Do unto others as you’d have done to you.’
Ed: Is there a second golden rule?
David: Yes. The second golden rule is: ‘Follow the first golden rule only if it doesn’t involve sharing your beer.’
Ken: I’m sorry, David, but this study is for single women only.
David: Oh, please. But I want to study the book of Daniel with you guys.
Ken: Aaaah! We’re not studying the book of Daniel!
Ken attacks David and wraps his fingers around his throat.
Ken: James! We’re studying James! Do you get it! We’re studying James! Say it! Say it!
David: James!
Ken releases David.
Ed: David, I think you’d better go. I don’t think it’s safe for you to be around Ken tonight. Of course, it’s never safe to be around Ken, but tonight it’s especially unsafe.
David: All right, mate. I have swing dancing on Wednesday nights anyway.
David leaves. Ed turns to the single girls.
Ed: Let’s get started now. Now, ladies –
Wes knocks on the door. Ed answers it.
Ed: Hi Wes. Can we help you?
Wes: Yeah, I want to join your study.
Ed: I’m sorry, Wes, but we’ve already reached our quota
of two single men for this study.
Wes: Aw, come on, it’s not right to exclude people based
on their gender. How do you think Richard Simmons feels?
Ed: Oh, you mean they don’t let him go to all-women
events because he’s a man?
Wes: Richard Simmons is a man?
Ed: Anyway, Wes. I’m afraid you can’t join.
Wes: Are you sure?
Ed: Yes, I’m afraid so.
Wes lifts Ed up in the air.
Wes: Are you still sure?
Ed: Welcome to the study, Wes.
Wes: Great, I’ve been dying to tackle Deuteronomy again.
Ken starts toward Wes, then thinks better of it.
Thursday Night Bible
Study (Systematic Theology)
Intro: This study meets
Thursday evenings in the CFL, which is in W11, which is on Mass. Ave across
from Ashdown. This study is going through Systematic Theology. It’s quite an
involved task to go through Systematic Theology, some of the books I’ve seen on
it are well over 1000 pages, so I had a little fun with that. Plus there are
two Esthers in this study, so I have a little fun with that. I would like to
thank the Three Stooges for inspiring the main theme in this skit.
New Person: Hi, I want to join your bible study.
Ji-Jon: Fine.
New Person: I am just in town from Mexico and my English is not
so good, but I hope I can keep up with you folks.
Ji-Jon: Hi, I’m Jijon.
New Person: Hi, I’m Ricky Martin.
Ji-Jon: Hi, Ricky. Actually, today we’re not going to study
our Systematic Theology book. We’re going to go see Esther.
New Person: Ah! Siesta! Thank you, I’m awfully tired from the
first week of classes.
Ji-Jon: No, not siesta. We have two Esthers in our bible
study and one of them is in the hospital. We’re going to visit her.
New Person: What’s wrong?
Ji-Jon: Well, when she saw the size of the Systematic
Theology book we were going to study she blacked out and got a nasty bump on
her head.
New Person: That’s too bad.
Ji-Jon: Yes, so would you like to go see Esther?
New Person: Ah, Siesta! Yes, thank you very much. I would love a Siesta.
Ji-Jon: No…Here, how about this? Would you like to go to the hospital to visit Esther?
New Person: Who’s Esther?
Ji-Jon: She’s a girl in our bible study, and we’re going to see her.
New Person: Oh, see Esther.
Ji-Jon: Yes, see Esther.
New Person: Ah, Siesta! Thank you!
New person lays down and Michelle appears.
Michelle: Ji-Jon, we better go. Esther’s waiting.
Ji-Jon: Okay, Michelle, where is the rest of our group?
Michelle: They’re already there.
Ji-Jon: Oh.
Michelle: So we’d better go see Esther soon.
Ji-Jon: Ah, Siesta!
Michelle: Don’t you start that now.
Ji-Jon: Oh, but you know how tiring it can be to study a 1250 page book on Systematic Theology.
Michelle: Do I look tired?
Ji-Jon: No.
Michelle: That was a rhetorical question.
Ji-Jon: I don’t believe in rhetorical questions.
Michelle: Well, I don’t believe in non-rhetorical questions.
Ji-Jon: Why not?
Michelle: I didn’t spend four years at Princeton to ask non-rhetorical questions thank you very much.
Ji-Jon: Did you ever see Esther when you were at Princeton?
Michelle: Yes, every night, eight hours. I guess undergrad wasn’t that tough for me.
Ji-Jon: No, I mean, did you ever take a nap?
Michelle: Are you kidding? Naps are for people who attend state schools. You know, Esther actually went to Yale, so maybe you saw her when you were there.
Ji-Jon: No, I don’t think so. Although it wouldn’t have been too unlikely for me to see Esther when we were both attending there.
Michelle: I’ll bet. Yale just isn’t the challenge it used to be. Well, we’d better get going. If I don’t Siesta soon, it’ll be a while before I get another chance.
Ji-Jon: Yes, I know what you mean. Visiting hours are pretty strict at the hospital.
Michelle: No, that’s not what I meant. Oh, never mind. Let’s just go to the hospital and see Esther.
Ji-Jon: That’s all right. I’ll just take mine right here.
Ji-Jon lays down.
Intro: This is the married couple study, which meets at Eastgate. This is going to illustrate a hypothetical situation for a married grad student looking for a bible study, finding one, joining GCF exec, and then having his request fulfilled. Thanks go again to the Three Stooges for inspiration.
Ed: Welcome to the Activities Midway. I’m here representing Graduate Christian Fellowship.
Married student: Hi, I’m interested in a Bible Study.
Ed: Okay, are you married or happy?
Married student: Married.
Ed: Ouch, I’m sorry. But don’t fret, we’ve got something for you. A bible study for married couples.
Married student: Really, that’s great. I feel so happy.
Ed: Really?
Married student: No, not really.
Steve: Okay, everyone, before we begin our reading of 1 Corinthians 7 we have a new couple here. It looks like only the husband is here. Would you like to introduce yourself?
Married student: Yes. My name is Ken Lau.
Steve: Where’s your wife?
Married student: She’s…shopping.
Steve: Couldn’t she have done that some other time?
Married student: You don’t understand. That’s all she does!
Steve: Okay, Ken. Maybe that can be a prayer request, but for now we should look at today’s passage. Ken, since this is your first time here, why don’t you read it.
Married student: Okay, 1st Corinthians 7: Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. He pauses, slaps his forehead, and says, Paul, where were you the night I proposed. Steve, how do you do it? I mean, how do you find the will to go on knowing that you’ve given your life to someone else.
Steve: Well, it wasn’t easy at first. But, well, you see, I married a B.M.W., and not everyone can say that. I guess that’s what keeps me going.
Married student: You married a car?
Steve: No, by B.M.W. I meant a Beautiful Minnesota Woman. Debbie’s my B.M.W.
Married student: Oh, I see, Steve.
Steve: But as you may or may not know, B.M.W’s cost a lot to maintain.
Married student: Oh, she’s high maintenance?
Steve: Let me put it this way: if you take my yearly post-doc salary in dollars and divide it by the number of pairs of shoes Debbie has, you’d have the number of years we’ve been married.
Married student: Well, at least you’ve got your B.M.W. All I got was an IBM
Steve: What’s an IBM?
Married student: An Incredibly Bright-Eyed Momma
Steve: Oh yeah, watch out for those bright eyes. Their tractor beam’ll suck you right in.
Greg: All right, everyone. We’ve got some business to take care of, let’s settle down. It looks like Ken Lau has decided to join our exec. Ken, what do you plan to bring to GCF exec?
Ken: Well, I have a big idea. What percentage of GCF is unmarried?
Greg: I don’t know. Maybe 2/3.
Ken: Well, that’s a lot of people. So what I thought was: for those 1/3 of the people who are married, ½ of them are men. Very, very poor men. So why don’t we get some of these relatively wealthy single grad students to help sponsor the married male grad students. Maybe we could do like a pledge drive. I’d even be willing to do like a Run for Married Male Grad Students or a 30 hour famine for Married Male Grad Students. You know, we could get pledges from other singles across campus and then the single members of GCF could go 30 hours without eating to know what it’s like to be a married male grad student.
Greg: Come on, Ken. It can’t be that bad. I mean, your wife must cook for you sometimes.
Ken: Nope. She’s a vegetarian and she refuses to cook anything with meat.
Greg: So why’d you marry a vegetarian if it’s such a big deal?
Ken: Well, there was such a strong spark when I saw my Annalise for the first time. Her eyes were like nothing I’d ever seen before.
Greg: But Ken, you know what Proverbs says: Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting, but a woman that fears the Lord is to be praised.
Ken: Oh, she fears the Lord. I just wish she feared going to the mall. That would solve a lot of my problems.
Greg: Well, Ken, we’ll see what we can do about this 30 hour famine to support married grad students.
Greg: Todd, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about Ken and his idea for a 30 hour famine for married grad students.
Todd: Yeah, I think it’s a good idea.
Greg: Really, because I was wondering what you’d say. After all, you’re essentially married.
Todd: No, that’s not true. I’m very much single.
Greg: But you’ve been with Jessica for, what, the better part of a decade.
Todd: That’s right, but doesn’t that make you suspicious at all? It’s no accident that we’re still unmarried after all this time. I’ve had the security of a loving and beautiful woman, and yet by not marrying her, I’ve been able to afford many things I couldn’t have otherwise. My spacious and powerful Ford Explorer, my Tommy Hilfiger wardrobe, the weekly plane tickets to go home to see Jessica, and so forth.
Greg: So you think we should help Ken out?
Todd: Absolutely. The Lord’s convicted me recently and shown me that I don’t need anything else. I’ve got more than I would ever need. So why don’t I give Ken, who really needs it, something I don’t really need.
Greg: I guess you’re right. But how much?
Todd: As much as you can spare. Maybe more.
Greg: But we’re gonna be paupers. Paupers.
Todd: Are you kidding? We’re not even married.