The Springbreaker Adventures

Mollie, Rose, and Swapna hit Jamaica

Sunset over Doctor's Cave Beach, Montego Bay

It is important to understand this trip in pictoral form; therefore see Mollie's pictures and Rose's pictures. Swapna's to come later.


This section could almost be called the Stupid Swapna Quote section. Almost.
Swapna: You know what a guy needs to get my attention?
Mollie and Rose, in perfect, unrehearsed unison: A penis.

[Mollie and Rose eat coconut cream pie.]
Swapna: Is there rum in that?
Mollie: No.
Swapna: Well, there was rum in the other one.
Rose: The rum cake?

Bellhop, to Rose: Are you mixed-race?
[Please keep in mind that this was said one of the first days we were there, when Rose was incandescently white.]

Mollie: I hate men. By which I mean I like them a lot.
Swapna, rapturously: Mmm... peni.

Swapna: I'm ready to go... except that I forgot my shirt.

Mollie: Well, I just don't know how we should get back [from the sketchy area].
Swapna: We could walk.
Rose, with disdain: Or we could pay for a taxi.
Mollie: I like how you just managed to take a perfectly sensible idea and make it sound completely bizarre.

Bellhop, to Rose: You party.
Bellhop, to Swapna: You definitely party.
Bellhop, to Mollie: You don't party at all.


Ways to tell you're in Jamaica:

  1. There's a beer bottle opener attached to the wall in the bathroom.
  2. Every woman you see on the street asks you if you want braids. News flash: white girls don't look good in braids.
  3. Every person you see on the street asks you if you want a taxi.
  4. Women emerge from nowhere with umbrellas to save you from a rainstorm. They proceed to feed you, treat you like queens... then fleece you for all the money you have.
  5. "Springbreaker" is a one-word noun.
  6. Rose can't stop saying "butt sex."
  7. You see life-size statues with giant penises everywhere. The tourists like to take pictures with them.
  8. There is a combination Thai-Indian restaurant... because obviously those two cuisines go together so naturally...?
  9. You never see Swapna without an alcoholic beverage in her hand.


Games to play in Jamaica:


Our week, by day.
Saturday. We got into Montego Bay around 4:30, went through customs, and caught our ride to the hotel. We got our introduction to the "tipping culture" in Jamaica from the bag handler at the airport, who pressed us for more money. After arriving at the hotel, we wandered around Montego Bay's Hip Strip for a while, then stopped in at the beach. We ate dinner at a pseudo-American-Jamaican restaurant with a cactus out front. Happy to be in a country where the drinking age is 18, we ordered fruity drinks... and found that they were almost pure alcohol. We went back to our room and fell asleep by 9:30.
Sunday. We all woke up at 12:30 after 15 wonderful hours of sleep. After lunch in the hotel restaurant, we headed out to Doctor's Cave Beach and lounged around, reading and sunning (and drinking actual fruity drinks from the beach bar) until sunset. We ate dinner at The Pelican, a not-really-touristy restaurant with real Jamaican food.
Monday. Another day on the beach! Mollie discovered the joy of ice cream sandwiches on the beach, and Rose got hit on by random beach guys. Just another day in paradise. We ate dinner at Ma Lou's, a "tourist-priced" (read: expensive) authentic Caribbean restaurant next to a casino. Dinner was okay, but it convinced us to eat American from then on. We tried our luck at the casino, found that we had none, and headed to Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville for a little drinkin' and dancin'. Unfortunately, there were just as many slutty girls there as there were boys... so we were out of luck. Oh well.
Tuesday. The infamous day of shopping. We set out to explore MoBay beyond the Hip Strip, and ended up being stuck in a rainstorm. We were rescued by a group of women with umbrellas, who led us to (yummy and cheap) real Jamaican food and... (drumroll) the craft market. This craft market had around 30 or 40 stalls, all with identical merchandise and identical women goading us into buying their overpriced wares by an artful combination of bullying and guilting. We all dropped insane amounts of money, Mollie most of all because she can't say no to anyone. After escaping, we shopped at the cheaper and more reputable shops along the strip. No more craft markets for these girls! We lounged by the hotel pool for a while before having dinner at a kiosk which served cheap, greasy American food. Yay for cheeseburgers in paradise!
Wednesday. We hopped on a tour bus and headed for Ocho Rios and Dunn's River Falls. Along the bumpy, two-hour ride, we got to see many Jamaican landmarks, including Columbus' Jamaican landing site, the oldest church in Jamaica, and Rose Hall. We also saw many goats along the side of the road. Dunn's River Falls were great; we climbed the 600 feet of waterfall (which would never be allowed in the States without signing lots of legal forms) all the way to the top. We shopped in Ocho Rios for a while, discovering the wonder that is an internet cafe. After surviving another bumpy ride, we had dinner in the hotel restaurant. Greasy American food all the way.
Thursday. We ventured off the Hip Strip yet again to make our way to Pizza Hut. We ate lunch there, then ordered a large pizza to take with us for dinner. That's called being frugal! And being willing to eat cold pizza. We took the pizza back to the room (a new room, since the previous room had flooded on Wednesday night) and headed out to the beach. After sunset, we ate our cold pizza and watched American TV via satellite. We couldn't find CBS, which made Mollie practically frantic (no Survivor or CSI!), but were able to find NBC for an ER rerun.
Friday. On our last full day in Jamaica, we woke up early (where "early" is relative) and got to the beach around noon. We played in the sun and the surf for about four hours, until we realized that the noon sun had done Rose and Mollie in and they needed to get inside before they looked even more like raw meat. We headed out to dinner at a combination Thai/Indian restaurant, where poor sunburned Mollie ordered a dish that was far too spicy for her to eat... she looked sort of scary, all sunburned and freezing from the AC and burning from the food. We retired to the room, watched a little TV, and fell asleep.