Scotty's Lament
by Robert Cruikshank
(Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")

Starships in timeslips and photon torpedoes,
phaser beam damage and captains' libidoes,
Spock turnin' engines to puddles o' lead,
these are a few of the things that I dread...

Pushing past red lines and calls for more power,
orders to do five days' work in one hour,
Neutral Zone forays and helm controls dead,
these are a few of the things that I dread...

When a tribble's taking nibbles,
   when the warp drive's shot,
      I mix up the batter with more antimatter
         and ask her for all she's got!

Warp Factor Eight when the ship's not in danger,
wastin' me Scotch on an alien stranger,
transporter failures I can't understand,
every last moron at StarFleet Command...

Swashbuckling Sulu controlling our courses,
Enterprise battered by alien forces,
No parts around, inmprovising instead,
these are a few of the things that I dread...

When the poor lass needs a bypass
   from the stern to bow,
      I ask the reactor for one more warp factor
         and keep her alive somehow!!!