BABYL OPTIONS: Version: 5 Labels: Note: This is the header of an rmail file. Note: If you are seeing it in rmail, Note: it means the file has no messages in it.  1, forwarded,, Summary-line: 4-Nov Jeff Bigler #Dr. Suess meets Shakespeare Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by e40-po.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA21877; Fri, 4 Nov 94 19:31:40 EST Received: from CACCIATORE.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA03675; Fri, 4 Nov 94 19:31:07 EST Received: by cacciatore.MIT.EDU (5.57/4.7) id AA27968; Fri, 4 Nov 94 19:31:05 -0500 Date: Fri, 4 Nov 94 19:31:05 -0500 From: Jeff Bigler Message-Id: <9411050031.AA27968@cacciatore.MIT.EDU> To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: Dr. Suess meets Shakespeare Reply-To: jcb@MIT.EDU Usnail: 36 Cook Street, Lynn, MA 01902-2757 Phone: (617) 592-5802 X-Geek-Code: (version 2.1) GE/S/MU d-@ H+ s-:+ !g(+) p2 au(-) a-29 w+(+++) v+(*) C++(+) UB+ P+ L 3- E+(++) N- K- W M V-- -po+(- --) Y+(--) t- 5 !j R G' tv-- b+ !D B- e+++ u++(**) h f+ r(+) n+ y++ X-Url: http://www.mit.edu:8001/people/jcb/home.html Zippy-Sez: Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER! *** EOOH *** Date: Fri, 4 Nov 94 19:31:05 -0500 From: Jeff Bigler To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: Dr. Suess meets Shakespeare Reply-To: jcb@MIT.EDU Usnail: 36 Cook Street, Lynn, MA 01902-2757 Phone: (617) 592-5802 X-Geek-Code: (version 2.1) GE/S/MU d-@ H+ s-:+ !g(+) p2 au(-) a-29 w+(+++) v+(*) C++(+) UB+ P+ L 3- E+(++) N- K- W M V-- -po+(- --) Y+(--) t- 5 !j R G' tv-- b+ !D B- e+++ u++(**) h f+ r(+) n+ y++ X-Url: http://www.mit.edu:8001/people/jcb/home.html Zippy-Sez: Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER! Most things like this aren't funny. This is. Jeff Bigler From: jmaessen@MIT.EDU To: Subject: Subject: Dr. Suess meets Shakespeare Date: Fri, 04 Nov 1994 11:51:32 EST With apologies to those who may have already seen it. Incomplete, but quite hilarious. -Jan - ------- Forwarded Message To: Subject: Dr. Seuss meets Shakespear (again!) Date: Wed, 19 Oct 94 14:24:21 -0400 From: Darren Leigh FOX IN SOCKS - PRINCE OF DENMARK [by David Mar ] List of Characters FOX, Prince of Denmark KNOX, FOX's friend and fellow student GHOST of FOX's father, former King of Denmark CHICKS, officers of the watch SUE, Queen of Denmark SLOW JOE CROW, King of Denmark GOO-GOOSE, counsellor to the king BIM, former schoolfellow of FOX BEN, brother to BIM and also former schoolfellow of FOX PIGS, attendants LUKE LUCK, Prince of Norway DUCK, ambassador to Norway TWEETLE BEETLES, in the Norwegian army POODLE, courtier ACT 1, Scene 1 [Enter FOX and KNOX] FOX: Lo, some socks! KNOX: Behold, a box! 'Tis now struck twelve, get thee to socks, Fox. FOX: For this relief much thanks, 'tis bitter cold And I am Fox in socks. KNOX: Well, good night. I am Knox in box. 5 FOX: Friends to the ground, and liegemen to the Dane. Knox on Fox in socks in box. [Enter GHOST] KNOX: Peace, break thee off. Look where it comes again. FOX: In the same figure, socks on Knox and Knox in box. KNOX: It would be spoke to. Question it, Fox. 10 FOX: What art thou that usurp'st this time of night, Together with Fox in socks on box on Knox? KNOX: It is offended. See, it stalks away. [Exit GHOST] FOX: We do it wrong being so majestical. [Exeunt] ACT 1, Scene 2 [Flourish. Enter FOX and KNOX] FOX: What, ho! Chicks with bricks come. [Enter CHICKS with bricks] KNOX: Peace, break thee off. Look where chicks with blocks come. [Enter CHICKS with blocks] FOX: But soft, behold, lo where chicks come again! Chicks with bricks and blocks and clocks come. [Enter CHICKS with bricks and blocks and clocks] FOX: Mark me, mark me, my lord Knox, sir. 5 Let us hold watch with bricks and blocks, sir. Let us have after with chicks and clocks, sir. A mote is to trouble the mind's eye, In the most high quick trick brick stack, A little ere the mightiest Julius fell 10 As stars with trains of fire from a quick trick block stack. What if it tempt you toward the flood my lord, Or to the dreadful summit of a quick trick chick stack, That beetles o'er his base into the sea, And there assume some quick trick clock stack? 15 My fate cries out, my lord Knox, Socks on chicks and chicks on Fox. [Enter GHOST] FOX: Angels and ministers of grace defend us! Be thou a spirit of Fox on clocks on bricks and blocks, Or goblin damned with bricks and blocks on Knox on box, 20 Bring with thee ticks from heaven or tocks from hell, Let my lord Knox not burst in ignorance but tell: Clocks on Fox tick, clocks on Knox tock. KNOX: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. [Exit GHOST] FOX: O that these too too solid six sick bricks would tick, 25 Thaw and resolve these six sick chicks which tock. KNOX: Prithee, sir. I don't like this trick, sir. How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable Seems to me the quickness and slickness of my tongue! Fie on't, ah fie, I get all those ticks and tocks, sir, 30 Mixed up with the chicks and tocks, sir. It is not, nor it cannot come to good, Fox, sir. FOX: A truant disposition, good my lord. [Exeunt] ACT 2, Scene 1 [Enter FOX and KNOX] FOX: How now, such wanton, wild, and usual slips As are companions noted and most known To youth and liberty. KNOX: As gaming, my lord? FOX: Ay, 'tis an easy game to play, An easy thing to say - you may go so far. 5 Soft now - new socks, two socks, whose socks? [Enter SUE] The fair Sue - Nymph, in thy orisons Be all my socks remembered. SUE: Good my lord, How does your sewing for this many a socks? FOX: I humbly thank you. [to KNOX] Sue sews Sue's socks. 10 SUE: My lord, I have remembrances of yours. Who sees who sew whose new socks, my lord? FOX: [to KNOX] You see Sue sew Sue's new socks, my lord. KNOX: Marry sir, here's my drift, 'Tis not easy, my lord Fox. 15 [Exeunt] ACT 2, Scene 2 [Enter FOX, KNOX, and SUE] KNOX: Hark now! Who comes here? [Enter SLOW JOE CROW] FOX: Crow comes. Welcome dear Slow Joe Crow! Moreover that we much did long to see you, The need we have to use you did provoke Our hasty sending. Who sew's crow's clothes? 5 CROW: Your majesty might by sovereign power Put your dread pleasures more into command Than to entreaty: Sue sews crow's clothes. FOX: Thanks Slow Joe Crow, and I beseech you Instantly to sew whose clothes? CROW: Sue's clothes. 10 FOX: Thou still hast been the father of good news. CROW: Have I my lord? Assure you, my good liege, Sue sews socks of Fox in socks now. FOX: Oh speak of that, that do I long to hear; Slow Joe Crow sews Knox in box now. 15 Give first admittance to th'ambassadors: Sue sews rose on Slow Joe Crow's clothes. SUE: My news shall be the fruit to that great feast: Fox sews hose on Slow Joe Crow's nose. FOX: I would fain prove that this hose goes, 20 When I had seen that this rose grows - As I perceived it, I must tell you that Nose hose goes some - what might you think Had I looked upon crow's rose growing some? KNOX: Ay so, God bye to you, my lord Fox. 25 O what a rogue and peasant slave am I! Is it not monstrous that this player here Hates this game, in a dream of passion, Could force not his tongue to his own conceit That from her working all his visage wanned, 30 Tears in his eyes, distraction in's aspect, A lame tongue, and his whole function suiting With forms to his conceit? And all for nothing? FOX: My lord Knox, the play's the thing Wherein your tongue shall consent to sing. 35 [Exeunt] ACT 3, Scene 1 [Enter FOX, KNOX, and GOO-GOOSE] FOX: And can you by no drift of circumstance Find something new to do now? With all my heart, and it doth much content me, Here is lots of new blue goo now. 'Tis now the very goo of night, 5 When churchyards yawn, and hell itself breathes out Blue goo to this world. Now could I drink hot goo, And do such gooey, gooey business as the day Would quake to look on. Soft, now to my blue goo. O heart, lose not thy new goo; let not ever 10 The soul of Nero enter this gluey, gluey bosom. Give me that gooey goo which is chewy chewing's slave, And I will chew him in my heart's core, Ay in my heart of heart, as that Goo-Goose is doing. I prithee when thou chewst that goo, my lord, 15 That thou choosest to chew thy goo with the Very chewing of the Goo-Goose, do, my lord. KNOX: My lord Fox, oh this goo is rank, It smells to heaven; it hath the primal Eldest curse upon't. Say it can I not, 20 Though inclination be sharp as will, I stand in pause where I shall first chew. FOX: My lord doth protest too much methinks. Let us find another game to play. [Exeunt] ACT 3, Scene 2 [Enter FOX and KNOX] FOX: Hark, Bim comes! [Enter BIM] Ho, Ben comes! [Enter BEN] BIM: I hast Ben broom. BEN: I hast Bim broom. FOX: Look here upon this picture, and on this, The counterfeit presentment of two brothers. See what a broom was bent by Ben; 5 Bim's bends, the broom of Ben himself Is bent by Bim, to bend and break; A broom like Bim's, new-bent by Ben Is broken where every god did seem to bend. [Flourish. Danish March (trumpets and kettle-drums). Enter PIGS attendant] This is Ben's band. Look you now what follows. 10 Here is Bim's band, like a big band, Yea a pig band. Have you eyes? Could you leave Bim and Ben to lead These bands with brooms? What judgement Would step from Ben's band banging 15 To sense th'ecstasy of Bim's band booming? KNOX: Oh what a noble tongue is here o'erthrown! The pig band, boom band, big band, broom band, Th'expectancy and rose of my poor mouth, The glass of fashion it cannot say, 20 Th'observed of all observers, quite, quite down, And my poor mouth most deject and wretched. FOX: Indeed, this mouth is now most still, most grave. Come sir, to draw toward an end with you. [Exeunt] ACT 4, Scene 1 [Enter FOX, KNOX, LUKE LUCK, and DUCK] FOX: How now, Luke Luck. Dost thou like lakes? LUKE: Verily, my lord. FOX: Dost thy duck like lakes? LUKE: Truly to speak, and with no addition, We go to lick a little patch of lake That hath in it no profit but the name. 5 FOX: Why then, thou lick'st lakes. LUKE: Ay, and my duck also lick'st lakes. FOX: [to KNOX] Two thousand lakes and twenty thousand licks Will not debate the question of which lake Luke Luck's duck postures to lick; 10 This is th'lake oft liked by Luke Luck. How all occasions do inform that Luke Luck Takes licks in lakes liked by duck. KNOX: Witness this army of such blibber and blubber, Blabbed not by a delicate and tender tongue, 15 Whose spirit be not made of rubber! FOX: Too much of water hast thou, poor Knox, And therefore I forbid my tears. But yet, Thou dost not have to be so dumb, my lord Knox. [Exeunt] ACT 4, Scene 2 [Enter FOX and KNOX] FOX: Try to say this my lord Knox, prithee - Through three cheese trees, or not through three cheese trees, That is the question - whether 'tis nobler In the trees for three free fleas to fly, Or to take a freezy breeze that blew 5 While these fleas flew and by blowing Freeze these three trees. To breeze, to freeze - No more; and by a breeze to blow we freeze The trees and the thousand natural trees That cheese is heir to - 'tis a cheese 10 Devoutly to be freezed. To breeze, to freeze - To freeze, perchance to sneeze. Ay, there's the rub, For in that freeze of cheese what sneezes may come, When fleas flew off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. KNOX: Adieu my lord, 15 This is a speech of fire that fain would blaze But that this folly douts it. [Exeunt] ACT 5, Scene 1 [Enter FOX and KNOX] FOX: So much for this sir, now shall you see the other. Bear witness to such talk as follows of tweetle beetles - [Enter TWEETLE BEETLES] What dost thou know of tweetle beetles? Well, when tweetle beetles fare to cudgel brains 'Tis notified a tweetle beetle battle. 5 And with such maimed rites in a puddle? This doth betoken a tweetle beetle puddle battle. And the corse they follow did with desperate paddles Fordo in a tweetle beetle puddle paddle battle. KNOX: What ceremony else? FOX: What is he whose battle 10 Bears such beetles in a puddle? whose puddle of battle Conjures the wandering paddles, and makes them stand In a wonder-wounded bottle? This is a tweetle beetle Bottle puddle paddle battle muddle. And sir, in this bottle there was a kind of fighting 15 That would not let beetles sleep. Methought they battled Worse with paddles in a bottle. [Enter POODLE attendant] Rashly, And on a poodle eating noodles - let us know, A muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle Bottle paddle battle. And - KNOX: The devil take thy soul. 20 Oh villainy! Come, for the battle, Fox. When thou art in the bottle where the tweetle beetles Battle in answer of the paddles, Let all the paddles on its noodle-eating poodle Drink to Fox's better breath, and in the bottle 25 A battle shall he throw richer than that which Four successive kings in Denmark's crown have worn. Let this be known a tweetle beetle noodle poodle Bottled paddled muddled duddled fuddled wuddled Fox in socks, my lord! 30 FOX: A hit, a very palpable hit. Oh I die, Knox, The potent poison quite o'ercrows my spirit. [Dies] KNOX: Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince, And flights of angels sing our game done, sir. Thank you for a lot of fun, sir. 35 [Exeunt all] - ------- End of Forwarded Message ------- End of Forwarded Message  1,, Summary-line: 17-Nov Christopher C Marchant #Techies Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by e40-po.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA26260; Fri, 17 Nov 95 17:28:56 EST Received: from M16-034-13.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA05261; Fri, 17 Nov 95 17:27:03 EST Received: by m16-034-13.MIT.EDU (AIX 3.2/UCB 5.64/4.7) id AA16367; Fri, 17 Nov 1995 17:28:00 -0500 Message-Id: <9511172228.AA16367@m16-034-13.MIT.EDU> To: rls@MIT.EDU, opus@MIT.EDU, epeisach@MIT.EDU, slevine@MIT.EDU Subject: Techies Date: Fri, 17 Nov 1995 17:27:59 EST From: Christopher C Marchant *** EOOH *** To: rls@MIT.EDU, opus@MIT.EDU, epeisach@MIT.EDU, slevine@MIT.EDU Subject: Techies Date: Fri, 17 Nov 1995 17:27:59 EST From: Christopher C Marchant Hello, A friend recently sent this to me; I thought I'd pass it on since you may find it relevant. ---Chris ------- Forwarded Message ----------------------------------------------------------------------- =================== THE TECHIE GOSPEL =================== We hold this truth to be self evident: That all TECHIES are created superior. GENESIS ------- In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the actors. And the Technical Director (hereinafter referred to as the TD) said, "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES worked and wired, and there were lights. Spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting - yea, lights of all shapes, sizes and hues. And the TD saw the lights, that they were well aimed and focused, gelled according to the scene, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And it was good. And the evening and the morning were the First Day. And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be a Set!": and the TECHIES scrambled and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs, and furniture of various types and sized, each according to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be. And the TD saw the set, that it was good, and the evening and the morning were the Second Day. And the TD saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be, they did look like fools, for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and struck each other with nothing. And in his heart, the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Props!": and the TECHIES worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were props. And they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Third Day. And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they did go forth in blue jeans and the Costumer knew that this would not due. And the Costumer said, "Let there be Costumes!": and the TECHIES did cut and sew and shape, and there were costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the play, and keeping in with the role. And no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans, and the Costumer saw the costumes, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day. And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait in silence, and was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Sound!": and the TECHIES worked and taped, and there were sounds, each according to its place and cue, all at the proper levels. And the TD heard the sounds, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day. And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, He would have finished sooner. PROVERB ------- Behold, my son here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days of thy play, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be true. I. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them. II. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind. III. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused. IV. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning. V. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength. VI. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party. VII. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party. VIII. Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time. IX. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse. X. Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark. XI. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed. XII. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so. XIII. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger. XIV. Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done - then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice. XV. And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport. WORDS TO THE TECHIES -------------------- Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch, and to make the Stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show. Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together. My friends be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as TECHIES. Remember always the signs by which thou shalt recognize a true TECHIE: they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening; they can speak with knowledge of Tools; they respect another's job and aid where they can; they do not just stand and watch. Amen. ------- End of Forwarded Message  1,, Summary-line: 15-Feb David Goldberg #hoho Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA28971; Thu, 15 Feb 96 14:18:31 EST Received: from Sparcy.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA22516; Thu, 15 Feb 96 14:17:56 EST Received: from (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Sparcy.Bridgewater.EDU (8.6.10/8.6.10) with SMTP id OAA29689; Thu, 15 Feb 1996 14:18:08 -0500 Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 14:18:08 -0500 Message-Id: Errors-To: savoynet-owner@Bridgewater.edu Reply-To: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: David Goldberg To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: hoho X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Mime-Version: 1.0 *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 14:18:08 -0500 Reply-To: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: David Goldberg To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: hoho X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Mime-Version: 1.0 { David Goldberg: goldberg@orchard.washtenaw.cc.mi.us } { Washtenaw Community College, Ann Arbor Michigan } This just in from deep cyberspace: Three good friends were talking one night about whether it was preferable to have a husband or a lover. The first of the women, a lawyer, thought for a minute, then pronounced that a lover was preferable. "After all, if the relationship breaks up, there are far fewer legal hassles with joint property," she said. The second woman, a doctor, disagreed. "Medical research has shown that married people are happier, live longer, and have fewer stress related illnesses". The third friend was a musician. She didn't even have to think before she said, "I need both. That way, my husband thinks I'm with my lover; my lover thinks I'm with my husband; and I get time to practice."  1,, Summary-line: 23-Feb Kevin Mitsuo Iga #joke (fwd) Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA07881; Fri, 23 Feb 96 13:59:25 EST Received: from amy8.Stanford.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA09977; Fri, 23 Feb 96 13:58:46 EST Received: (from mosquito@localhost) by amy8.Stanford.EDU (8.7.3/8.7.3) id KAA09859 for sipb-soc@athena.mit.edu; Fri, 23 Feb 1996 10:59:17 -0800 (PST) From: Kevin Mitsuo Iga Message-Id: <199602231859.KAA09859@amy8.Stanford.EDU> Subject: joke (fwd) To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Date: Fri, 23 Feb 1996 10:59:16 -0800 (PST) X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL25] Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit *** EOOH *** From: Kevin Mitsuo Iga Subject: joke (fwd) To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Date: Fri, 23 Feb 1996 10:59:16 -0800 (PST) X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL25] Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Forwarded message: > From kyle@Csli.Stanford.EDU Thu Feb 22 16:45:20 1996 > X-UIDL: 92fedab4fc35c02188d587df08e89194 > From: Kyle Wohlmut > Message-Id: <199602230039.QAA14537@Turing.Stanford.EDU> > Subject: Sesquipedalian #18 > To: ling-local@Turing.Stanford.EDU > Date: Thu, 22 Feb 1996 16:39:03 -0800 (PST) > Cc: gopher-quip@Turing.Stanford.EDU > X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL25] > MIME-Version: 1.0 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > the SESQUIPEDALIAN Volume VI, No. 18 > \-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/-\-/ > Hawaii becomes US Territory (1900) February 22, 1995 > > > THE NERD WHO ROMANCED MY COMPUTER > > Most people who have computers don't understand them. That's OK; most > people who have washing machines don't understand them, either. If > your washing machine breaks, you call the washing machine repairman. > He's in the book. > > But if your computer breaks, whom do you call? There is no > infrastructure of computer repairpeople who make housecalls. Instead > you have to schlep your precious machine into the shop and try to > explain what's the matter. "It just kind of freezes," you say. "It > cheeses?" says the man behind the counter. English is not his first > language, or even his second. > > "I have to reboot, and I lose data". "Boot! Boot!" he says, and > laughs wildly. Then he makes a telephone call. Then he walks away. > > There is a more satisfying way to get your computer fixed, although > it's also fraught with peril. You can call your local nerd. Maybe > it's the kid up the street, or the woman you met at a party who RAMmed > and ROMmed you to death, or a freelance programmer you know from work. > > Money is never involved. Usually some elaborate form of barter is > proposed; the reality of the exchange is often problematic. "If I > ever get to be president, I'll give you can unconditional pardon," you > say. "Smoking!" the nerd replies. The nerd drives an easy bargain, > because nerds actually like to fix things. You are providing them > with recreation and the satisfaction of being competent. You are also > providing them with pizza, snack chips, and caffeine-laced > beverages--this is important. > > Then the dialog begins. Not the dialogue between you and the nerd; > the dialogue between the nerd and your computer. You are merely a > bystander. Often, it's like being the only child of a dysfunctional > marriage. > > The nerd says, "OK, let's see what you've got. Come on. Now this > should --- wait a minute. Wait a minute! What are you doing to me? > That can't be! Brain-dead! OK, OK, OK, this should work. OK --- > what? Oh yeah, right, fatal error. Right". > > At this point, like a timorous child, you ask, "Fatal error? Is that > bad?" "Happens all the time with this stupid system. We'll find a > hack," he says. > > It is a relief to know that in the computer world, "fatal" has come to > mean "briefly uncomfortable". > > The nerd leans back in his chair. You realize, suddenly, that he is > deeply satisfied. This is actually amusing for him; this rage at the > machine is a sign of pleasure and love. > > He plunges back into the system, losing all sense of your presence in > the room. He grunts and moans; the machine pings and grinds. "Don't > do this to me, don't do this to me," he keeps repeating, like a lover > coaxing a suicidal partner off a ledge. You have the feeling you > should not be watching, and you leave. The nerd doesn't even notice. > > He comes out of the room finally, fat and sleepy in the afterglow. > "Wrote a little code," he says mildly, the same way Caligula might > have said, "We had a little party." He downs the last of his soda and > disappears into the night. > > You go into your study and stare at your machine. You know it loves > another more than you. You decide to live with it anyway. > > [John Carroll]  1, forwarded,, Summary-line: 18-Apr J. Frisbie #FYI Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA06811; Thu, 18 Apr 96 09:12:01 EDT Received: from martigny.ai.mit.edu by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA15882; Thu, 18 Apr 96 09:11:59 EDT Received: from STAN.MIT.EDU by martigny.ai.mit.edu with SMTP (1.37.109.4/16.2) id AA21113; Thu, 18 Apr 96 09:12:38 -0400 Received: by stan.mit.edu (5.65/Eur1.0) id AA11695; Thu, 18 Apr 1996 09:12:07 -0400 Date: Thu, 18 Apr 1996 09:12:07 -0400 Message-Id: <199604181312.AA11695@stan.mit.edu> From: J. Frisbie To: lsc-alums@martigny.ai.mit.edu, haskinsr@bachman.com, Louise.Jandura@jpl.nasa.gov, londond@bachman.com, spacek@hermes.bc.edu, bralston@steinbrecher.MIT.EDU, spacek@oleum.zso.dec.com, JLANZONE@alco.mhs.compuserve.com, jf@stan.mit.edu Subject: FYI *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 18 Apr 1996 09:12:07 -0400 From: J. Frisbie To: lsc-alums@martigny.ai.mit.edu, haskinsr@bachman.com, Louise.Jandura@jpl.nasa.gov, londond@bachman.com, spacek@hermes.bc.edu, bralston@steinbrecher.MIT.EDU, spacek@oleum.zso.dec.com, JLANZONE@alco.mhs.compuserve.com, jf@stan.mit.edu Subject: FYI Winners of the ``worst analogies ever written in a high school essay'' contest. He spoke with the wisdom that can ony come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and ``Jeopardy'' come on at 7 pm instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was a perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leapt from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot greas. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like ``Second Tall Man.'' (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetheolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Unknown)  1,, Summary-line: 7-May AJ CROWTHER #Short story by Gilbert Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA15002; Tue, 7 May 96 08:45:07 EDT Received: from Sparcy.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA08593; Tue, 7 May 96 08:45:05 EDT Received: from (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Sparcy.Bridgewater.EDU (8.6.10/8.6.10) with SMTP id IAA13775; Tue, 7 May 1996 08:46:08 -0400 Date: Tue, 7 May 1996 08:46:08 -0400 Message-Id: Errors-To: savoynet-owner@Bridgewater.edu Reply-To: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: AJ CROWTHER To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Short story by Gilbert X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 7 May 1996 08:46:08 -0400 Reply-To: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: AJ CROWTHER To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Short story by Gilbert X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum A few years ago I was lucky enough to find and buy a bound volume of copies of the comic journal "Fun", the paper Gilbert contributed so many pieces to, including the "Bab ballads". The volume I have contains many other WSG items apart from the ballads, including the following short story, which I thought might interest all you Gilbertians out there. Though it calls itself "No. 1" in the series, I don't believe WSG ever got round to doing a "No. 2". The following is exactly as it appeared in "Fun" on January 7, 1871, except for a couple of corrections in square brackets. The asterisked footnote is, of course, Gilbert's. I think it's a pretty typical example of his bizarre sense of humour. I'm only disappointed I can't include here the three "Bab" drawings which adorn the original. STRANGE BUT TRUE. No. 1 - THE STORY OF OLD REGINALD AND THE HONEST BURGLAR. Those who do not know me may perhaps believe the following story. Those who know me will not. Still it is quite true. REGINALD was a pleasant old gentleman with a fine sense of humour. He had considerable property and lived on Wimbledon Common. He had one beautiful daughter - but that is not to the point. One afternoon, as OLD REGINALD was reading books in his drawing room, it was announced to him that a Common Man desired to speak with him. He gave orders that the Common Man should be admitted. And admitted the Common Man was. He was a very Common Man indeed. A tall shambling, ill-looking fellow with and irresolute manner and a shrinking eye. He was pressed [dressed] as costermongers are dressed when following their calling. "What is your pleasure, good sir," said OLD REGINALD. "Beg pardon, guv'nor," said the Common Man, "I hopes you won't be hard on me." "Not at all," replied OLD REGINALD. "I'm - I'm a Burglar," said the Common Man. "Indeed!" said REGINALD. "Take a chair." "Thank you kindly, guv'nor," said he, "but I'd rather stand." And he did stand. So far there is nothing incredible in my story. But it gets more remarkable as it goes on. "How do you like your profession?" said OLD REGINALD. "Well, guv'nor," said the Common Man "I don't like it noways, and that's it." "That's what?" "That's why I'm here. I belongs to a gang of twelve wot's working these parts just now. We cracks cribs by turns. It's - it's my turn to-night." And the Burglar wept like a child. "This, I presume, is Remorse," said OLD REGINALD. "No, guv'nor, it ain't Remorse," said the burglar. "It's Funk." "The same thing," said REGINALD. "It ain't being a Burglar that I object to. It's the having to commit burglaries. I like the credit of it, sir, it's the danger I object to." "I see." "Now by the laws of our gang we're bound to crack cribs in turn. That is to say, one of us cracks the crib while the other eleven stops outside and gives the office." "I thought burglars always worked in twos or threes?" said OLD REGINALD. "P'raps I ought to know best?" suggested the Burglar. "Perhaps you ought. Indeed I am sure you ought. What crib do you propose to crack to-night?" "This here one." "Mine?" "Yourn." "Oh." And OLD REGINALD prepared to ring the bell. "Please don't do that, guv'nor. You ain't never a-going to give me into custody?" "Well, I think it would be better." "No, no, guv'nor, don't do that. Listen to me first. I ain't a-going to hurt you." [Line apparently missing here.] "It's my turn to crack your crib to-night. Now will you help me?" "I hardly see my way," said OLD REGINALD, thoughtfully. "Still, if I can be of any use - " "Look here, guv'nor: each member of our gang is bound to get fifty pounds worth of swag from each crib he cracks. If he dont he's shot. Now, I see a handsome silver salver and coffee pot and cream jug as I come in here. Wot might be the value of that handsome silver salver and coffee pot?" "The cream jug is electro. The coffee pot with sugar basin and salver may be worth five and forty pounds." "That's near enough. I'll take 'em. Here is a flimsy for fifty quid." And he handed OLD REGINALD a bank note for that amount. "Still I don't quite understand - " "I want's you, guv'nor, to be so good as to leave your bedroom window open to-night and place that salver and them silver traps where I can get 'em handy. I shall have cracked my crib, bagged my swag, and made myself safe until my turn comes round again." "Certainly," said OLD REGINALD, holding up the note to the light. "But, let me ask, how can you afford to pay so handsomely for your depredations?" "There are a dozen on us, sir. Each of us cracks a crib once in four months and each swags at least fifty pounds worth - often more, but at least that. After each plant, the profits are divided. Last quarter, the twelve cribs we cracked brought us in eleven hundred pound - that's ninety pounds odd a piece. When my turn comes, I pays a fair price for the fifty pounds worth I swags (for I have been honourable brought up) and I gets forty pounds to the good. And forty pounds a quarter is a hundred and sixty pounds a year. And I lives on it. Sometimes it's more - now and then it's less, but wotever it is, I lives on it." And the honest fellow took a receipt for the note and departed. OLD REGINALD was a good as his word. He left his bedroom window open and placed the salver where the Honest Burglar could readily find it. The Honest Burglar was as good as _his_ word, and at two o'clock in the morning he came and found it. So far all was simple and straightforward enough. But _now_ comes the curious and incredible part of my story. The fifty pound note was part of the proceeds of a previous burglary. The number of the note was known, and traced to OLD REGINALD who had to account for its being in his possession. Now the twelve burglars had in the meantime been arrested by the police (this is also incredible)* and were condemned to penal servitude for life. So OLD REGINALD had no hesitation in stating the facts as I have stated them. No one believed him, as no one will believe me. So he appealed to the Honest Burglar to corroborate his story. But the Honest Burglar, having discovered that the whole thing, coffee pot, salver, and all was the commonest electro, was so shocked at OLD REGINALD's dishonesty, that not only did he decline to corroborate his story, but actually and, I think, very properly identified him as an accomplice. And OLD REGINALD was also sentenced to penal servitude, and he and the Honest Burglar worked for many years together on the same works and had many opportunities of talking the matter over from its moral, social, and political points of view. * NOTE. - This is so incredible that it is necessary to explain how it happened. The Honest Burglar, not having secured his fifty pounds worth of booty (for the coffee pot, &c., turned out, as will be seen by the sequel, to be electro), was doomed to be shot. This caused the honest fellow to give such information to the police as ensured the capture of the gang.  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA16741; Thu, 11 Jul 96 19:51:05 EDT Received: from BEEBLEBROX.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA26716; Thu, 11 Jul 96 19:51:03 EDT Received: by beeblebrox.MIT.EDU (931110.SGI/4.7) id AA07015; Thu, 11 Jul 96 19:51:00 -0400 Message-Id: <9607112351.AA07015@beeblebrox.MIT.EDU> To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Cc: stephane@MIT.EDU Subject: Ian Lance Taylor: MAKE MONEY SLOW!! Date: Thu, 11 Jul 1996 19:51:00 EDT From: Marc Horowitz *** EOOH *** To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Cc: stephane@MIT.EDU Subject: Ian Lance Taylor: MAKE MONEY SLOW!! Date: Thu, 11 Jul 1996 19:51:00 EDT From: Marc Horowitz ------- Forwarded Message >Path: cambridge-news.cygnus.com!news3.near.net!bigboote.WPI.EDU!news.ultranet.com!zombie.ncsc.mil!newsgate.duke.edu!agate!spool.mu.edu!news.nd.edu!chi-news.cic.net!news.math.psu.edu!news.cse.psu.edu!uwm.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!hunter.premier.net!netnews.worldnet.att.net!uunet!inXS.uu.net!news2.digex.net!cnj.digex.net!not-for-mail >From: cdnation@cnj.digex.net (Tom Flynn) >Newsgroups: alt.fan.laurie.anderson >Subject: Make Big Money - Get a Job! >Date: 9 Jul 1996 16:23:09 GMT >Organization: Express Access Online Communications, Greenbelt, MD USA >Lines: 49 >Message-ID: <4ru11d$6qj@news3.digex.net> >NNTP-Posting-Host: cnj.digex.net >X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0] Hi, my name is Aloysius. Five years ago I had no money. People wanted me to pay for services that I had used, yet I had no funds to pay them with. Then an amazing thing happened! A friend of mine told me about a place where people get together for about 8 hours at a time. While together, these `employees' provide services, build things, add value to things, and even manage the activities of others. All this is done in exchange for money, often paid at the completion of 40 hours of activity. My friend told me that if I joined him, the people at this place would give me money too! In time, they may even give me lots of money, and I mean a LOT of money. Just imagine my joy at being told of a system that would enable me to pay for all the things I want and need! I was so happy to learn of this system that I set out on a mission. There are too many people on the Internet who have not yet discovered this method of obtaining money. Instead, these misguided souls participate in schemes that promise thousands of dollars in exchange for an illegal five dollar investment. If you read any Usenet newsgroup on a regular basis, you know the people I mean. They post messages such as: " Big Money NOW ", "Fast Cash NOW" and " Get out of Debt and into Jail, NOW!" These unfortunates must hear this message of great joy and good fortune: GET A JOB AND STOP FLOODING THE INTERNET WITH GET RICH QUICK SCHEMES!!!! I invite you to join me in this quest. How? Simple! Whenever someone posts an illegal get-rich-quick-scheme to your favorite newsgroup, simply E-mail this letter back to them. An additional step may be required to deliver the good news to people who post these messages under phony e-mail addresses. For them, a hard copy of this letter to their postal address may be required. (They always include a postal address because that's where they want you to send the BIG MONEY) It has also been suggested to me that people may wish to send this letter to the Sysop or Postmaster of the letter writer's Internet Service Provider. I think this is a great idea, and I fully encourage further suggestions for improving the delivery of this good news! You have my permission to copy this letter. Feel free to add your name to mine and those listed here, (when and if people decide to add their names to this letter), or remain anonymous and send it as is. Thank You. Tom Flynn (a.k.a. Aloysius) cdnation@cnj.digex.net ------- End of Forwarded Message  1, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA04615; Mon, 29 Jul 96 12:41:36 EDT Received: from Sparcy.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA09468; Mon, 29 Jul 96 12:41:35 EDT Received: from (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Sparcy.Bridgewater.EDU (8.6.10/8.6.10) with SMTP id MAA03234; Mon, 29 Jul 1996 12:41:29 -0400 Date: Mon, 29 Jul 1996 12:41:29 -0400 Message-Id: <960729163450_75034.320_GHJ131-1@CompuServe.COM> Errors-To: savoynet-owner@Bridgewater.edu Reply-To: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: MaryJo Baker <75034.320@CompuServe.COM> To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Princess Ida from Backstage X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 29 Jul 1996 12:41:29 -0400 Reply-To: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@Bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: MaryJo Baker <75034.320@CompuServe.COM> To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Princess Ida from Backstage X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum ---------------------------------------------------------- -------- FORWARDED MESSAGE - Orig: 29-Jul-96 11:29 Subject: Princess Ida from Backstage From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLL INTERNET:JMICA@oa.ithaca.edu To: MaryJo Baker 75034,320 ---------------------------------------------------------- -------- The Princess and the Pee by Jim Mica I work backstage with an amateur theater group specializing in Gilbert & Sullivan operettas. This summer's offering was Princess Ida. Ida runs a college for women and her idol is Minerva. In the second act Ida sings a lovely paean to Minerva. The director and set designer wanted her to have a statue to sing to, so we had one. Our Minerva was vaguely Greek, 4ft something and had a pouring water jug on her hip. She stood on a 3ft-something platform with a kid's wading pool --cleverly disguised as a marble pond-- on a lower platform in front of her. She was to be a working fountain. Well, getting Minerva affixed to the platforms was no small feat. She was one hefty chick. It took four lag bolts to get her to hold still. Next came the matter of the water. The ribald crew quickly dubbed this the problem of "Making Minerva Pee" --we soon learned just how apt the phrase was. She was drilled to be a fountain, but we needed some extra tubing and a pump. The first pumping effort ended in failure when the set designer learned that a pump rated to raise water two feet will not raise it four feet, even when the water is for a fountain in an imaginary castle. As his "day job" the set designer uses CAD to design plumbing systems. We got a heftier pump. It worked but brought new problems. Minerva now produced sound. Imagine someone with a truly prodigious bladder capacity relieving himself for an extended period of time. This was the sound. It never dribbled out and it could drown out half of the strings in the orchestra. Opening night Minerva's pond had an interesting added sculpture consisting of some wire, a stage weight and a brush. The brush was situated, bristles up, on top of the weight and right under Minerva's stream. This little pond monster cut down the volume some, but it didn't change the timber of the sound being produced. We had to leave it at that because the curtain was due to go up soon. Act one of Ida runs only about 25 minutes. It was followed by a 20 minute intermission because we had to move an entire castle, add water to the fountain and get it running. Act two runs a bit over an hour. The audience was subjected to the sound of Minerva for that entire hour. When we closed the curtain on the act there was a stampede for the bathrooms. Our professional ushers --they came with the theater-- tried to stem the tide by blocking the side exits and telling everybody to stay near their seats because this was to be a very brief intermission. There were, thankfully, no injuries or accidents. The Minerva Effect continued throughout the run of the play and even hit the cast and crew. I well recall a nervous chorus girl standing in the wings hopping from foot to foot during the second performance. During the third performance one of the assistant stage managers called me to her station, ripped off her headset and, shaking with emotion, cried "I've got to go!" During the last performance, just before the second act curtain, I did a quick backstage sweep. I came upon one of the principals in the cast behind the furthest upstage flat doing "the pee-pee dance". Since this is Gilbert and Sullivan, however, it might be better to describe it as a micturation minuet. At any rate, she looked at me with pleading eyes and said, "Oh that statue!" *********************************************** Permission is granted to forward and reproduce the above for non- commercial purposes as long as the title and author's name are attached.  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA10814; Mon, 4 Nov 96 13:00:20 EST Received: from PICKLED-HERRING.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA25867; Mon, 4 Nov 96 12:59:42 EST Received: by pickled-herring.MIT.EDU (AIX 3.2/UCB 5.64/4.7) id AA16334; Mon, 4 Nov 1996 12:59:41 -0500 Message-Id: <9611041759.AA16334@pickled-herring.MIT.EDU> To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: Jargon Update Date: Mon, 04 Nov 1996 12:59:38 EST From: "Richard J. Barbalace" *** EOOH *** To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: Jargon Update Date: Mon, 04 Nov 1996 12:59:38 EST From: "Richard J. Barbalace" FYA. + Richard ---------- Begin forward ---------- Subject: HUMOR: Jargon Update Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 10:05:47 -0500 To: humor@MIT.EDU From: abennett@MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett) Dilberted To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." Link Rot The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die. Chip Jewelry A euphamism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry." Crapplet A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!" Plug-and-Play A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play." World Wide Wait The real meaning of WWW. CGI Joe A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure. Dorito Syndrome Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome." Under Mouse Arrest Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest." Glazing Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?" 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man." Dead Tree Edition The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..." Egosurfing Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name. Graybar Land The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering." Open-Collar Workers People who work at home or telecommute. Squirt The Bird To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?" Brain Fart A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations. Cobweb Site A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page. It's a Feature >From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over. Keyboard Plaque The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque." Career-Limiting Move (CLM) Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. Elvis Year The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993." Alpha Geek The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here." Adminisphere The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rack and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Tourists People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists." Blowing Your Buffer Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!" Gray Matter Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established. Bookmark To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph." Nyetscape Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser. Beepilepsy The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence. Salmon Day The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. ======================================================================= Andrew Bennett MIT Department Ocean Engineering MIT Room 5-424 77 Massachusetts Ave. Cambridge, MA 02139 Phone: (617) 253-7950 ===== Area 51 ============== Bureau 13 =============== Network 18 ===== ---------- End forward ----------  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA14023; Wed, 14 Jan 98 14:36:44 EST Received: from MILO.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA25009; Wed, 14 Jan 98 14:35:32 EST Received: by milo.mit.edu (NX5.67d/4.7) id AA00277; Wed, 14 Jan 98 14:35:30 -0500 Date: Wed, 14 Jan 98 14:35:30 -0500 Message-Id: <9801141935.AA00277@milo.mit.edu> From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rls@dimins.com Subject: [Judith Weis: Fwd: Humor: A Child's Perspective On Music (fwd)] *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 14 Jan 98 14:35:30 -0500 From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rls@dimins.com Subject: [Judith Weis: Fwd: Humor: A Child's Perspective On Music (fwd)] ------- Forwarded Message From: Judith Weis To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Fwd: Humor: A Child's Perspective On Music (fwd) X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas Subject: Humor: A Child's Perspective On Music (Collected by a music teacher in St. Louis over his 22 year teaching career) When I learned we were going to take a trip to hear a symphony orchestra, I told my feet to quiet down but they felt too Saturday to listen. Learning to Play Correct my being wrung but tell me true or false. Has anyone else ever made music on a waste basket or am I the original composer? I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. would tomorrow or Friday be best? If you keep moving two fingers real fast on the piano, you get a thrill. I can't reach the brakes on this piano! The best way to tune up is to use a pitchfork. A good thing to remember about trying to pick up a tuba is don't. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose. Will we ever get to the point where music is no longer taught in schools? The chances are 999 out of a hundred. The Language of Music Scales are found on snakes and pianos. A diminuendo is something only encyclopedias know for sure. Tutti means everybody toot at the same time. I know what a sextet is but I would rather not say. An encore is what audiences get if they are unruly. Fortissimo means real loud. It is the way a composer yells on music paper. A yodel is a cry of distress often heard on mountain tops. Music forms are outlines of funny shapes in music, such as lady pianists. Refrain means don't do it! A refrain in music is the part you better not play. Sharps are skinny and flats are fat. The whole note gets its name from having a whole right in the center of it. Poignant music is music you hear before the stork comes. Flats are okay in music but bad in tires. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. Fermata means hold the note longer. Composers write fermatas over notes not just boom boom. It is boom ba da boom or sometimes boom ca pa doodle da rest boom boom. I am having trouble with my eagles. Like if four singers eagle a quartet, what do five singers eagle? Pieces written in minor keys sometimes make me feel nervous like when mom is looking at me under her breath. What are Kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle Drums The difference between a violin and a fiddle is about $1000. Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed. Tubas are a bit too much. The English horn is neither English or a horn. It is an English horn because all the other good names for instruments had all ready been taken. The trombone is so long that if it was stretched out end to end, it would surprise many people. A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard. By shortening and lengthening tubing filled with air, high and low sounds can be made. Only wind instruments can understand this well enough to make it work for them. When electric currents go through them guitars start making sounds. So would anybody. Many things about electronic instruments that were once thought to be science fiction now actually are. Reeds are little pieces of wood. They are found mostly in plants and clarinets. When we blow into a whistle, the air is pushed together is some places and pulled apart in others. Naturally it screams and that is the sound we hear. A musician is ... Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. When they were not busy singing music, friars were short order cooks in monasteries. Most good singers have at least a two octane range. Kettle drummers have copper bottoms that look like round kitchen pots. Their skin can be stretched to have them make high or low sounds. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. A singer's repertoire is the music he actually thought he could sing. He was a great viali - vyalia - vilia - fidler. Minnesingers traveled from town to town. They didn't sing too good, which is one reason they kept traveling. The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play the violin real good. Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor. Podiums are somethings for conductors to step on. It helps their meanness. The Immortal Works Question: who composed the Hallelujah Chorus? Answer: God. Question: who composed the Hallelujah Chorus? Answer: George Fredric Doorknob. My very best liked piece is the Bronze Lullaby. My favorite carol is Old Cumalye Faithful. Old Cumalye Faithful was Jesus' dog. Brahm's Lullaby has such velvety fingers. Although Rossini was once considered a great composer of operas, we now know of operas he failed to compose. It is not known for certain who wrote the Third Symphony. some say Brahms and some say Baithoven and some say let them both. I like to listen to the Sorcerer's Appendix. Our Mortal composers Chopin had many fast friends. Among the fastest was Miss Sand. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach wasn't believing in smoking and drinking or hardly living at all. Johann Christian Bach was Johann Sebastian Bach's son. Otherwise they were unrelationed. Haydn and Mozart were friends at first but later became contemporaries. Haydn got married when he was 28 years old and became the father of classical music. Handel was a deeply religious man because in some of his music he talks about Ye and Thee and people like that. When they asked Handel if he would like to come to England, he rolled his eyes and flashed his teeth and said sure. Question: What was the soundest reason for Handel staying in England? Answer: The sound of everyone shouting Bravo. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English; he was rather large. Mozart was a great musician because he practiced without having someone having to be there to hit him over the head with a hangernade. He never forgot to practice and even when he did he was sorry. By the time Wolfgang Mozart was 10 years old, he had reached the pinocle of success. When Mozart couldn't get a job in a royal court, his bread and butter was cut right out from under his feet. Ludwig van Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everybody was calling him. I guess he couldn't hear so good. He was a very wise man, even a genius so he never got married. Beethoven was a perfectionist. In fact he tore up and in other ways decomposed many of his compositions. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. Felix Mendelssohn seems to have been happy, honest and well-liked, although a musician. Richard Wagner was born in 1813, supposably on his birthday. Franz Schubert was always poor. His life teaches us the advantage of enjoying what we have, even if there isn't any. Schubert didn't make much money and we would hardly have heard him if he hadn't written some music. Then Tchaikovsky did something he had never done before. He died. They had a wonderful funeral for him. It took six men to carry the beer. When it came to writing music for operas, Wagner proved he had a smart head up his sleeve. Berlioz proved he was a wonderful composer by going insane. Brahms is one of our most immoral composers. One of Puccini's most famous operas is "Fillet Mignon". Angus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. My favorite composer is Opus. Leonard Bernstein is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers don't live until they are dead. All the old time composers lived in Europe. Even today, it is always a few hours later in Europe than it is here in America because people haven't lived here as long. Afterthoughts Music is one of our most anesthetic arts. I have decided music is my ninth favorite thing in the universe. My mother is one of the starchest supports of music. One of my idiot-friends (that I will remain nameless) does not like music. In spite of people like her, most concerts these days stay tightly populated. Everything would not be anything without music. ------- End Forwarded Message  1, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA29013; Tue, 10 Mar 98 11:22:42 EST Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AB22354; Tue, 10 Mar 98 11:23:03 EST Received: from localhost (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.5/8.8.3) with SMTP id LAA12387; Tue, 10 Mar 1998 11:22:17 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 10 Mar 1998 11:22:17 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <9803101600.AA11918@uu3.psi.com> Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: Mendes@WESTPORT.MSMAIL.AIGFPC.COM Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: FW: to all music lovers X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Content-Type: text/plain X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Mime-Version: 1.0 *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 10 Mar 1998 11:22:17 -0500 (EST) Reply-To: Mendes@WESTPORT.MSMAIL.AIGFPC.COM Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: FW: to all music lovers X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Content-Type: text/plain X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Mime-Version: 1.0 This is most definitely off-topic, (I guess it's a good thing that there is no mention of G&S) but I assumed that most of you would appreciate the laugh.... > "He'd be better off shoveling snow." > > --Richard Strauss on Arnold Schoenberg. > > > When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform > > his concerto, Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait." > > > "I would like to hear Elliot Carter's Fourth String Quartet, if > > only to discover what a cranky prostate does to one's > > polyphony." --James Sellars > > > "Exit in case of Brahms." > > --Philip Hale's proposed inscription over the doors of Boston > > Symphony Hall > > > "Why is it that whenever I hear a piece of music I don't like, > > it's always by Villa-Lobos?" --Igor Stravinsky > > > > "His music used to be original. Now it's aboriginal." > > --Sir Ernest Newman on Igor Stravinsky > > > > "If he'd been making shell-cases during the war it might have > > been better for music." > > --Maurice Ravel on Camille Saint-Saens > > > > "He has an enormously wide repertory. He can conduct > > anything, provided it's by Beethoven, Brahms or Wagner. He > > tried Debussy's La Mer once. It came out as Das Merde." > > --Anonymous Orchestra Member on George Szell > > > > Someone commented to Rudolph Bing, manager of the > > Metropolitan Opera, that "George Szell is his own worst > > enemy." "Not while I'm alive, he isn't!" said Bing. > > > > "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of > > giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it." > > --Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist. > > > > "After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a > > bordello and I won't let any of you enter." > > --Arturo Toscanini to the NBC Orchestra > > > > "We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps > > you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again." > > --Sir Thomas Beecham to a musician during a rehearsal > >=20 > > "Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost." > > --Anonymous > > > The great German conductor Hans von Buelow detested two > > members of an orchestra, who were named Schultz and > > Schmidt. Upon being told the Schmidt had died, von Buelow > > immediately asked, "Und Schultz?" > > > "Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed." > > --Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono > > > "Parsifal - the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and > > after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch > > and it says 6:20." --David Randolph > > > "One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first > > hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time." > > --Gioacchino Rossini > > > "I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music." > > --Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress > > > "Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the > > brake on." > > --Sir Thomas Beecham on an unidentified soprano in Die > > Walk > > >  1, forwarded,, Summary-line: 26-Mar Ferguson #Re: Off topic virus alert Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA14322; Wed, 26 Mar 97 09:48:48 EST Received: from www.imagin.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA23902; Wed, 26 Mar 97 09:48:35 EST Received: from prime.imagin.net (server@localhost.0.0.127.in-addr.arpa [127.0.0.1]) by prime.imagin.net (8.8.0/8.8.0) with SMTP id IAA51430; Wed, 26 Mar 1997 08:45:01 -0600 Date: Wed, 26 Mar 1997 08:45:01 -0600 Message-Id: <199703261443.JAA25111@hemisphere.neocomm.net> Errors-To: betwills@airmail.net Reply-To: vidpro@imagin.net Originator: vidpro@imagin.net Sender: vidpro@imagin.net Precedence: bulk From: "Ferguson" To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Re: Off topic virus alert X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: The List For Video And Television Professionals *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 26 Mar 1997 08:45:01 -0600 Reply-To: vidpro@imagin.net Originator: vidpro@imagin.net Sender: vidpro@imagin.net Precedence: bulk From: "Ferguson" To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Re: Off topic virus alert X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: The List For Video And Television Professionals I wondered what was happening around here! ---------- > From: Kate Albers [303 492-1857] > To: Multiple recipients of list > Subject: Off topic virus alert > Date: Tuesday, March 25, 1997 3:20 PM > > (Forwarded from somewhere on the WEB) > > Beware The New and More Effective Goodtimes Email Virus > > Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will > scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will > recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream > goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, > screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field > harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. > > It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix > Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave > its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. > It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants > and hide your car keys when you are late for work. > > Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you > nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank > and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend > behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa > card. > > It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. > It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your > boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is > dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting > shade of mauve. > > These are just a few signs of infection... Just be very careful! > > > > > Kate Albers > Academic Media Services > Television Production > University of Colorado  1,, Summary-line: 28-Mar Arthur Robinson #Music Education (fwd) Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA26028; Fri, 28 Mar 97 08:46:03 EST Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA23729; Fri, 28 Mar 97 08:45:49 EST Received: from localhost (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.bridgewater.edu (8.8.5/8.8.3) with SMTP id IAA02200; Fri, 28 Mar 199 7 08:45:44 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 28 Mar 1997 08:45:44 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Arthur Robinson To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Music Education (fwd) X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Mime-Version: 1.0 *** EOOH *** 7 08:45:44 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 28 Mar 1997 08:45:44 -0500 (EST) Reply-To: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Arthur Robinson To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Music Education (fwd) X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Mime-Version: 1.0 Here's something forwarded to me by one of my sisters. Forwarded message: Subj: Music Education Date: 97-03-26 14:07:24 EST From: Cyndeana True test questions accumulated by music teachers: A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was rather large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead. An opera is a song of bigly size. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium. My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm. Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby. My favorite composer is Opus. A harp is a nude piano. A tuba is much larger than its name. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many named because it is so huge. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody. (That's my personal favorite.) Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: kettle drums. A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard. Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes. The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair or the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good. For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch. I can't reach the brakes on this piano! Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor. Instrumentalist is a many-purposed work for many player-types. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose. A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so. Tubas are a bit too much. Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.  1, forwarded,, Summary-line: 29-Mar Charles M. Hannum #They Might Be Oracles Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA17824; Sat, 29 Mar 97 19:11:32 EST Received: from melange.gnu.ai.mit.edu by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA27804; Sat, 29 Mar 97 19:11:28 EST Received: by melange.gnu.ai.mit.edu (8.7.5/8.6.12GNU) id TAA22638; Sat, 29 Mar 1997 19:11:31 -0500 (EST) To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: They Might Be Oracles From: mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu (Charles M. Hannum) Date: 29 Mar 1997 19:11:23 -0500 Message-Id: Lines: 61 X-Mailer: Gnus v5.3/Emacs 19.34 *** EOOH *** To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: They Might Be Oracles From: mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu (Charles M. Hannum) Date: 29 Mar 1997 19:11:23 -0500 Lines: 61 X-Mailer: Gnus v5.3/Emacs 19.34 For those TMBG fans, something I just got in my Oracle mail... ------- Start of forwarded message ------- The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > After almost a year of campaining and complaining, I must admit defeat > in trying to make your old name stick. So I've decided to write a > song about it: > > The Internet was the Usenet Oracle > Now it's the Internet, not the Usenet Oracle > Been a long time gone, the Usenet Oracle > Now it's Woodchuck Delight on a moonlight night > Every answer from the Usenet Oracle > comes from the Internet, not the Usenet Oracle > So if you've sent some mail to the Usenet Oracle > It'll be coming from the Internet > Even the old Internet > was once the Arpanet > Why they changed it I can't say > NSF just liked it better that way > So ask me, tell me, the Usenet Oracle > No, you can't go ask the Usenet Oracle > Been a long time gone, the Usenet Oracle > Why did the Usenet Oracle get the works? > That's nobody's business but those jerks > In--ter--net > > What do you think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant man, Supplicant man } Doing the things a supplicant can } What's he like? It's not important } Supplicant man } } Is he a troll, or is he a hack? } When he's online does he get net? } Or does the net get him instead? } Nobody knows, Supplicant man } } Political man, Political man } Political man hates Supplicant man } They have a fight, Political wins } Political man } } Oracle man, Oracle man } Size of the entire universe man } Usually kind to supplicant man } Oracle man } } He's got a wand with a Usenet hand } Internet hand and a zot-zot hand } When they meet it's a scary land } Powerful man, Oracle man ------- End of forwarded message -------  1,, Summary-line: 17-Apr David Jedlinsky USG #Shroedinger's Ferret? Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA10787; Thu, 17 Apr 97 10:31:30 EDT Received: from mail12.digital.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA05367; Thu, 17 Apr 97 09:30:49 EST Received: from kamlia.zk3.dec.com by mail12.digital.com (8.7.5/UNX 1.5/1.0/WV) id KAA26952; Thu, 17 Apr 1997 10:24:46 -0400 (EDT) Received: by kamlia.zk3.dec.com; (5.65v3.2/1.1.8.2/05Mar96-0145PM) id AA03808; Thu, 17 Apr 1997 10:24:44 -0400 Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 10:24:44 -0400 From: David Jedlinsky USG Message-Id: <9704171424.AA03808@kamlia.zk3.dec.com> To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: Shroedinger's Ferret? *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 10:24:44 -0400 From: David Jedlinsky USG To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: Shroedinger's Ferret? From the Ferret Mailing List: 'Ferret-proof' is an oxymoron. It describes a state that cannot possibly be attained; a paradox of the Schrodinger's variety. Have we successfully ferret-proofed the room? We have to put the ferret into the room and leave it unattended and close the door. We sit outside, wondering. Is the room ferret-proof? Is it not? We won't know until we go INTO the room and look to see: a) ferret and no destruction or b) no ferret and plenty o' chaos. But we're torn between the two alternatives. Do we really WANT to go into the room and see the state of the carpeting, or would we rather turn a blind eye to the situation and pretend that the TV hasn't been dragged into the closet? By opening the door, we may not exactly be dealing with one of the great scientific paradoxes of all time, but we'll certainly be opening ourselves up to disbelief and frustration.  1,, Summary-line: 25-May Emily A Havens #The Wizard of Oz / Dark Side of the Moon Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA28423; Sun, 25 May 97 00:16:57 EDT Received: from PLANET-ZORP.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA29194; Sun, 25 May 97 00:16:53 EDT Received: (from emhavens@localhost) by planet-zorp.MIT.EDU (8.7.5/8.6.12) id AAA05027; Sun, 25 May 1997 00:16:51 -0400 (EDT) From: Emily A Havens Message-Id: <199705250416.AAA05027@planet-zorp.MIT.EDU> To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU, punt-summer@MIT.EDU, cult-movie@MIT.EDU Subject: The Wizard of Oz / Dark Side of the Moon Date: Sun, 25 May 1997 00:16:51 EDT *** EOOH *** From: Emily A Havens To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU, punt-summer@MIT.EDU, cult-movie@MIT.EDU Subject: The Wizard of Oz / Dark Side of the Moon Date: Sun, 25 May 1997 00:16:51 EDT You've all heard about it! Now come watch it! (If you haven't heard, see below.) I watched it this tonight and it's pretty funky. Sunday, May 26 9pm e51-3xx ------------ The following is from the humor discuss meeting, but ignore that part. It actually explains what I'm talking about. ------------ [2083] daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU) Humor 05/21/97 14:10 (128 lines) Subject: HUMOR? Dark Side of The Rainbow From: To: humor@MIT.EDU Date: Wed, 21 May 1997 14:02:59 EDT Date: Wed, 21 May 1997 10:46:57 -0700 From: Connie Kleinjans From: Scott Schroeder From: Laurie Bostic ------------ Follow the Yellow Rock Road Floydian analysis of 'The Wizard of Oz' By HELEN KENNEDY Daily News Staff Writer Call it Dark Side of the Rainbow. Classic rockers are buzzing about the amazingly weird connections that leap off the screen when you play Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" as the soundtrack to "The Wizard of Oz." It sounds wacky, but there really is a bizarre synchronization there. The lyrics and music join in cosmic synch with the action, forming dozens upon dozens of startling coincidences the kind that make you go "Oh wow, man" even if you haven't been near a bong in 20 years. Consider these examples: Floyd sings "the lunatic is on the grass" just as the Scarecrow begins his floppy jig near a green lawn. The line "got to keep the loonies on the path" comes just before Dorothy and the Scarecrow start traipsing down the Yellow Brick Road. When deejay George Taylor Morris at WZLX-FM in Boston first mentioned the phenom on the air six weeks ago, he touched off a frenzy. "The phones just blew off the wall. It started on a Friday, and that first weekend you couldn't get a copy of 'The Wizard of Oz' anywhere in Boston," he said. "People were staying home to check it out." It's fun, he said, because everyone knows the movie,and the album which spent a record-busting 591 straight weeks on the Billboard charts can be found in practically every record collection. Dave Herman at WNEW-FM in New York mentioned the buzz a few weeks ago. The response more than 2,000 letters was the biggest ever in the deejay's 25-year on-air career. "It has been just unbelievable," said WNEW program director Mark Chernoff. "I've never seen anything like this. " The station plans to show the movie using the album as soundtrack at a small private screening tomorrow. Rock fans always have loved to speculate about hidden messages in their favorite albums. But seeking connections between the beloved 1939 classic kid flick and the legendary 1973 acid-rock album pushes he envelope of the music conspiracy genre. Nobody from the publicity-shy band would comment, but Morris asked keyboardist Richard Wright about it on the air last month. He looked flummoxed and said he'd never heard of any intentional connections between the movie and the album. But the fans aren't convinced it's just a cosmic coincidence. "I'm a musician myself and I know how hard it is just to write music, let alone music choreographed to action," said drummer Alex Harm, of Lowell, Mass.,who put up one of the two Internet web pages devoted to the synchroneities. "To make it match up so well, you'd have to plan it." Morris is convinced that ex-frontman Roger Waters planned the whole thing without letting his fellow band members in on the secret. "It's too close. It's just too close. Look at the song titles. Look at the cover. There's something going on there," Morris said. Here's how it works. You start the album at the exact moment when the MGM lion finishes its third and last roar. It might take a few times to get everything lined up just right. Then, just sit back and watch. It'll blow your mind, man. During "Breathe," Dorothy teeters along a fence to the lyric: "balanced on the biggest wave." The Wicked Witch, in human form, first appears on her bike at the same moment a burst of alarm bells sounds on the album. During "Time," Dorothy breaks into a trot to the line: "no one told you when to run." When Dorothy leaves the fortuneteller to go back to her farm, the album is playing: "home, home again." Glinda, the cloyingly saccharine Good Witch of the North, appears in her bubble just as the band sings: "Don't give me that do goody goody bull ---t." A few minutes later, the Good Witch confronts the Wicked Witch as the band sings, "And who knows which is which" (or is that "witch is witch"?). The song "Brain Damage" starts about the same time as the Scarecrow launches into "If I Only Had a Brain." But it's not just the weird lyrical coincidences. Songs end when scenes switch, and even the Munchkins' dancing is perfectly choreographed to the song "Us and Them." The phenomenon is at its most startling during the tornado scene, when the wordless singing in "The Great Gig in the Sky" swells and recedes in strikingly perfect time with the movie. When Dorothy opens the door into Oz, the movie switches to rich color and and that exact moment the album starts in with the tinkling cash register sound effects from "Money." Anyone who has ever nursed a hangover watchin MTV with the sound off and the radio on can tell you how quick the brain is to turn music into a soundtrack for pictures. But this is uncanny. The real fanatics will point out that side one of the vinyl album is the exact length of the black-and-white portion of the movie. And then there's that iconic album cover, with its prism and rainbow echoing the movie's famous black-and-white-into-color switch not to mention Judy Garland's classic first song. The real clincher, though, the moment where even the most skeptical of cynics has to utter a small "whoa!," comes at the end of the album, which tails off with the insistent sound of a beating heart. What's happening on screen? Yep, you guessed it: Dorothy's got her ear to the Tin Man's chest, listening for a heartbeat. Maybe it's just a string of coincidences. Maybe the mind is just playing some really cool tricks. Maybe some people just have waaaay too much time on their hands. Or maybe, as Pink Floyd sings to close out the album, everything under the sun really is in tune. --[2083]--  1,, Summary-line: 1-Jun raeburn@cygnus.com #[rec.humor.funny] The Chocolate Ritual Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA23727; Sun, 1 Jun 97 16:49:55 EDT Received: from cygnus.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA14569; Sun, 1 Jun 97 16:49:46 EDT Received: from tweedledumb.cygnus.com (tweedledumb.cygnus.com [192.80.44.1]) by cygnus.com (8.8.5/8.8.5) with SMTP id NAA11396; Sun, 1 Jun 1997 13:49:42 -0700 (PDT) Received: from kr-pc.cygnus.com by tweedledumb.cygnus.com (4.1/4.7) id AA19571; Sun, 1 Jun 97 16:49:22 EDT Received: (from raeburn@localhost) by kr-pc.cygnus.com (8.7.6/8.6.9) id QAA27881; Sun, 1 Jun 1997 16:49:57 -0400 (EDT) Sender: raeburn@kr-pc.cygnus.com From: raeburn@cygnus.com To: dinner@MIT.EDU, jpr@montalvo.com Subject: [rec.humor.funny] The Chocolate Ritual Date: 01 Jun 1997 16:49:56 -0400 Message-Id: Lines: 356 X-Mailer: Gnus v5.4.37/Emacs 19.31 *** EOOH *** Sender: raeburn@kr-pc.cygnus.com From: raeburn@cygnus.com To: dinner@MIT.EDU, jpr@montalvo.com Subject: [rec.humor.funny] The Chocolate Ritual Date: 01 Jun 1997 16:49:56 -0400 Lines: 356 X-Mailer: Gnus v5.4.37/Emacs 19.31 ------- Start of forwarded message ------- Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Organization: Catalyst Computers From: Smurf@talisman.airtime.co.uk (Ian) Subject: The Chocolate Ritual Keywords: chuckle Message-ID: Date: Sat, 31 May 97 19:30:01 EDT This came through Last night, on soc.religeon.paganism. ------ "Copyright 1993, John L. Shepard. Permission is given to repost as long as the contents are unaltered and this notice is attached." "Minor additions by S'BAT Chapter made with the author's permission." THE CHOCOLATE RITUAL Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the great big one- as the athame), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Hershey's Syrup and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet, and small dish of chocolate ice cream. The Celebrants Handmaiden (Henceforth known as Swiss Miss) High Priestess (Henceforth known as Betty Crocker) Page (Henceforth known as Pillsbury Dough Boy) High Priest (Henceforth known as Mr. Goodbar) Cleanse the Sacred Space Pillsbury Dough Boy take the small dish of chocolate sprinkles Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast No calories in thy presence last. Let no harm adhere to me And as I will so mote it be! Swiss Miss take the small dish of Hershey's Syrup, spoon and large glass with milk Hershey's Syrup where thou art cast Turn this milk to chocolate, fast. Let all good things come unto me, and make my milk all chocolatey! Cast The Circle Betty Crocker using a tootsie roll as athame walks around the circle three times Mr. Goodbar intones the invocation In the beginning, there was the word. And the word was Chocolate. And it was good. Confections: 1.5 oz., 240 cal. Call the Quarters Betty Crocker Mousse of the East, Fluffy one! Great princess of the palace of dessert! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers approaching from the East. Pillsbury Dough Boy Fondue of the South, Molten one! Great prince of the palace decadence! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diets approaching from the South. Swiss Miss Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one! Great princess of the palace of thirst quenchers! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all carob approaching from the West. Mr. Goodbar Rocky Road of the North, Cold one! Great prince of the palace of crunchy comfort food! Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all cheap imitations approaching from the North. MAIN RITUAL Pillsbury Dough Boy Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate, who was of old called: Godiva, Suzi Q, Little Debbie, Dolly Madison, Fanny Farmer, Sara Lee, and by many other names: Swiss Miss Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Goodies. In the mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all of your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue. And you shall be free from depression. And as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my presence. For mine is the ecstasy of theobromine, and mine is also the joy on earth, yea, even into high orbit for my law is "melts in your mouth, not in your hand". Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none keep you from Me. For Mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and Mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy padding pounds on your hips. I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy onto the tummies of women and men. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand only your money in sacrifice, for behold, chocolate is a business, and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them. Pillsbury Dough Boy Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere: Betty Crocker I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles, and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise and come unto Me. For I am the soul of candy, from Me do all confections spring, and unto Me all of you shall return, again.... and again... and again.... and again. Before My smeared face, beloved of women and men, thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let My taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are My rituals. Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you. And you who think to seek Me, know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery: "We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it" For behold: I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land. Messed be. Pillsbury Dough Boy Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called: Milton Snavely Hershey, 3 Muskateers, Fudgesicle, Devil Dog, Mars, Willy Wonka and by many other names: Mr. Goodbar I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor but looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will become your sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown. I give you My creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out. You are dear to Me, and I instill in you the power of a piece of chocolate that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away. By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by the beauty of a perfectly formed Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I charge you. Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate", for it is vile and bitter. Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone else. I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of you hoard, I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined. Cupcakes and Yoo-Hoo Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo Mr. Goodbar Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate Betty Crocker Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate Pillsbury Dough Boy For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate" Swiss Miss And neither one is carob Mr. Goodbar As the frosting is to the cupcake Betty Crocker So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar Pillsbury Dough Boy And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, Swiss Miss for there is no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate. blessing of the cupcakes Mr. Goodbar & Pillsbury Dough Boy Frosting is keen Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss And frosting is neat Mr. Goodbar, Pillsbury Dough Boy, Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss Great Goddess! Let's eat! Feasting and Drinking Dismiss Quarters Betty Crocker Oh, ye mighty goodies of the East, we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you, All participants "Choooooooc-laaaaate" Pillsbury Dough Boy Oh, ye mighty goodies of the South, we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you, All participants "Choooooooc-laaaaate" Swiss Miss Oh, ye mighty goodies of the West, we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you, All participants "Choooooooc-laaaaate" Mr. Goodbar Oh, ye mighty goodies of the North, we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you, All participants "Choooooooc-laaaaate" Mr. Goodbar: After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch at the east Open Circle Pillsbury Dough Boy Go now in perfect love, perfect trust, and perfect chocolate -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. If you mail to original@clari.net, it makes sure that your joke is tagged as your original work, Always attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else. For the full submission guidelines, see http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/ ------- End of forwarded message -------  1, forwarded,, Summary-line: 17-Jul Paul McShane #Church Bulletins (completely off topic - but funny) Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA28698; Thu, 17 Jul 97 03:09:12 EDT Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA00280; Thu, 17 Jul 97 03:09:11 EDT Received: from localhost (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.5/8.8.3) with SMTP id DAA25622; Thu, 17 Jul 199 7 03:09:03 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 03:09:03 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: <33CDB684.187F@ozemail.com.au> Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Paul McShane To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Church Bulletins (completely off topic - but funny) X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.01C-NSCP (Win95; I) *** EOOH *** 7 03:09:03 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 03:09:03 -0400 (EDT) Reply-To: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Paul McShane To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Church Bulletins (completely off topic - but funny) X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.01C-NSCP (Win95; I) A friend just sent me the following set of announcements. If you haven't seen them before, they are guaranteed to raise a chuckle or two. Paul. Actual Announcements taken from Church Bulletins: 1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and northends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7) Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9) Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. 10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child. 23) Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 24) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 25) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: " I Upped My Pledge-- Up Yours." Would Dr. Daly approve?  1,, Summary-line: 3-Oct Susan Poliniak #Salutin' Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA04570; Fri, 3 Oct 97 07:47:38 EDT Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA11418; Fri, 3 Oct 97 07:47:12 EDT Received: from localhost (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.5/8.8.3) with SMTP id HAA03884; Fri, 3 Oct 1997 07:46:00 -0400 (EDT) Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 07:46:00 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Susan Poliniak To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Salutin' X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII *** EOOH *** Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 07:46:00 -0400 (EDT) Reply-To: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Susan Poliniak To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Salutin' X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII This is a true story - somewhat (alright, very) off-topic, but short and good for a chuckle. If I'm recalling the story correctly, my father, during his early USAF days, was sitting in a bar talking with some of his buddies. His back was to the door, so he didn't see that several men of higher rank had entered the establishment. His buddies, who were seated facing him, stood to attention. My father, bewildered at their behavior, stood up, looked behind him, did a mental "oops," and saluted. The officer - evidently, a very annoying man - decided that my father hadn't paid him enough respect - i.e., had not saluted quickly enough. After chewing Dad out a bit, he ordered him to salute 100 times right then and there. My father saluted once - and held it. The officer, puzzled and angry, said something like, "What's your problem, soldier?!!" Dad's reply: "I'm waiting for my return, sir!" For, you see, in the USAF, every salute *must* be returned. ;) Epilogue - The officer relented in a fit and his friends had a huge laugh at his expense. Whereupon said officer declared that he was officially "out to get" my father from then on. As far as I know, that was the last time they ever set eyes on each other. Ta - Sooz Susan Poliniak * "With a singing girl be not familiar, poliniak@cs.nyu.edu * lest you be caught in her wiles." - Sir.9:4  1,, Summary-line: 6-Oct Lisa Berglund #THINGS AN OPERA SINGER WOULD NEVER SAY (fwd) Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA24707; Mon, 6 Oct 97 15:13:57 EDT Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA11864; Mon, 6 Oct 97 15:13:28 EDT Received: from localhost (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.5/8.8.3) with SMTP id PAA00124; Mon, 6 Oct 1997 15:11:49 -0400 (EDT) Date: Mon, 6 Oct 1997 15:11:49 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Lisa Berglund To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: THINGS AN OPERA SINGER WOULD NEVER SAY (fwd) X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 6 Oct 1997 15:11:49 -0400 (EDT) Reply-To: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Lisa Berglund To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: THINGS AN OPERA SINGER WOULD NEVER SAY (fwd) X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 00:32:18 -0400 From: Alan Savada To: OPERA-L@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU Subject: THINGS AN OPERA SINGER WOULD NEVER SAY Dear Fellow Listers: I am happy to present this thoroughly entertaining list which came to me previously by e-mail from a group of well-know opera singers and appears to have originated in the high levels of operatic management. Please enjoy it: 1. Sorry, I'm early for rehearsal. 2. Oh NO, the composer doesn't want a high note there. 3. Of, don't worry Meastro....I never forget. 4. When studying my orchestral score I found several interesting points. 5. I started learning this a year before the first rehearsal. 6. I always love to change my interpretation a little after exhaustive re-study. 7. I find the open and closed "e" impossible to confuse. 8. Its OK....change what my coach told me to do. 9. You know, the money is NOT important. 10. The orchestra wasn't too loud. 11. In duets, I always try to make my colleague comfortable. 12. I'm sorry, did I upstage you? 13. I've done it that way for 15 years....let's change it. 14. I love singing opera with symphonic conductors. 15. Can we reopen that recit. cut? 16. Studying the composer's autograph manuscript in the library, I discovered a wrong note I have been singing for years. 17. The tenor is SO smart. Have a great weekend...... ALAN J. SAVADA, C.T.C. Washington, DC Casaleone@aol.com <>--Emile Zola ****************LIFE IS A CABERNET!  1,, Summary-line: 31-Oct Sarah L Mcdougal #a silly non-serious fluffy email.... Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA04103; Fri, 31 Oct 97 18:08:21 EST Received: from PRESS-YOUR-LUCK.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA28417; Fri, 31 Oct 97 18:07:40 EST Received: (from asarahm@localhost) by PRESS-YOUR-LUCK.MIT.EDU (8.8.5/8.8.5) id SAA21788; Fri, 31 Oct 1997 18:07:41 -0500 From: Sarah L Mcdougal Message-Id: <199710312307.SAA21788@PRESS-YOUR-LUCK.MIT.EDU> To: gsp-discuss@MIT.EDU Subject: a silly non-serious fluffy email.... Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 18:07:41 EST *** EOOH *** From: Sarah L Mcdougal To: gsp-discuss@MIT.EDU Subject: a silly non-serious fluffy email.... Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 18:07:41 EST ...that i found rather amusing.. i sent this out to gsp-prod, and someone recommended that i forward it here... sorry if this is spam.. i thought you might get a kick out of it we open in two weeks.. wheeeeeeeeee happy halloween --aSm - ------- Forwarded Message Subject: Mr. Brehm's Techie Codes Date: Thu, 03 Oct 1996 17:45:37 EDT - - ------- Forwarded Message >It has come to the attention of the management that abusive and locally >colorful language has become all too commonplace during the run of some >performances. Since it is our endeavor to maintain the formal and >professional decorum of the theatre, we have to curb the s**ts and >f**ks that permeate the backstage areas. We also recognize the need for >technicians to creatively express themselves, so we have devised the >following code list where a 100-code number will quickly identify a >particular feeling or situation. > >LIGHTS >101 This board is a genuine, honest-to-God, bona-fide real life copy >of a piece of shit.. >102 Ahh, COME ON! A trained octopus couldn t take a cue like that. >103 I think the dimmer pack is on fire. >104 I wasn t even near the light board. >105 Somebody backstage must have done it. >106 This fuckin light would look great in an outhouse. >107 Is this fiasco over yet? >108 Hey, turkey, you re supposed to stand in the light, that s what >its there for. >109 You ant me to take how many presets in ten seconds? >110 If you want that kind of garbage, buy a light organ. >111 That s the ugliest set of color washes I have ever seen. >112 The turds upstairs won t buy us one. >113 Even if they did buy one, it wouldn t help. >114 Is it act three yet? >115 It was dimmer creep. >116 Send the cute one up to the light booth. > >SOUND >120 You couldn t hear a stick of dynamite at ten paces. >121 Back off the mike, asshole. >122 This amp would make a lovely boat anchor. >123 Don t thump on the mics. >124 Don t blow into them either. >125 Is this turkey over yet? >126 Must be a loose wire. . .somewhere. >127 Ah, I think the console is on fire. >128 No, dipstick, you re supposed to use the other end of the mic. >129 If you want that kind of bullshit, buy a synthesizer. >130 I m deeply sorry that I do not have enough cord to go to Cuba. >131 Of course the stack is leaning, you set the fucking thing right >on my foot. >132 Send the cute one up to the sound booth. > > > > >FOLLOWSPOT >140 How come I always get the ones that move like a rabbit in heat? >141 You want that kind of coverage, Scrooge, hire another followspot. >142 No sucker, six colors is all you get. >143 I prefer the crotch shot, myself. >144 These machines aren t worth diddly squat. >145 Can we do without the next cue? I gotta go pee. >146 More BEER! >147 I can t help it- some bear in trousers and a funny hat just >stomped my light out. > > >BACKSTAGE >150 You said to drop it, you didn t specify where and how fast. >151 B O R I N G >152 Is this piece of horse do-do- over yet? >153 Hey you, don t run into my baton so hard. >154 Gone for pizza, take the scene shift without me. >155 Hey asshole, you want to stand under that sandbag over there? >156 Good golly Miss Molly, will you look at the gazongas on the one >that just walked in! >157 Ever herd of castors? Little round things, makes moving really easy. >158 If God had wanted that tank to fly, He would have put wings on it. > >159 Touch that again, and I ll hang you by your balls from the >highest point on the grid. >160 If you don t mind, I d like to do it wrong my own way. >161 I ve got the cute one backstage. > > >STAGE MANAGER >170 Is there any possibility that we can all take this cue together? >171 Lights: This is your wakeup call. >172 You want a live cow on stage in what scene? >173 Well, I ve never heard of that scene before. >174 Cues 16 through 82. . .GO! >175 Any chance of us starting anywhere on time? >176 Fuck cues 103 and 131. >177 Oh, suck mine. >178 Sideways. >179 Call em like you want em or take it like you get it. >180 You couldn t find two St. Bernards if they were screwing in the >same closet as you. >181 WHAT did you say was on fire? >182 What is someone as talented as me doing working on a piece of >junk like this? >183 Pardon me, but you have obviously mistaken me for someone who >gives a shit. >184 Half over, guys. >185 This same old shit has got to stop. >186 Is it art, yet? >187 Sit on the rail and spin, fucker. >188 Can t talk now, some shithead stole my code list. > >------------------------------ > >Joel Brehm >jbrehm@mail.hotchkiss.pvt.k12.ct.us Brian says that he is going to xerox >this and tell everybody they can speak only using these codes on the >clear-com during the next show! That should be something. - - - --JB ------- End of Forwarded Message  1,, Summary-line: 31-Oct Richard J. Barbalace #Aludium Q36 Pumpkin Modulator Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA07870; Fri, 31 Oct 97 18:32:07 EST Received: from OPUS.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA02438; Fri, 31 Oct 97 18:26:21 EST Received: by opus.MIT.EDU (940816.SGI.8.6.9/4.7) id SAA05052; Fri, 31 Oct 1997 18:26:21 -0500 Message-Id: <199710312326.SAA05052@opus.MIT.EDU> To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: Aludium Q36 Pumpkin Modulator Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 18:26:20 EST From: "Richard J. Barbalace" *** EOOH *** To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: Aludium Q36 Pumpkin Modulator Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 18:26:20 EST From: "Richard J. Barbalace" Ok, some people said they hadn't seen this. SIPB needs to build one of these. Hey, Monty, wanna modify that koosh-launcher? :) ------- Forwarded Message By MARK ROBICHAUX Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL MORTON, Ill. -- Ponder this: Will a pumpkin, as it nears the speed of sound, turn into pie in the sky? In a machine shop in a sea of cornfields here in a place that calls itself the Pumpkin Capital of the World, this is not a theoretical question. For months now, a team of volunteers has worked earnestly on an effort to send a gourd soaring at Mach I. Their invention is an 18-ton, 100-foot cannon made of 10-inch-diameter plastic pipe, powered by compressed air and mounted on an old cement mixer. Dubbed the Aludium Q36 Pumpkin Modulator, it has already set a world distance record, flinging a pumpkin 2,710 feet -- at a velocity of more than 600 miles per hour, literally faster than some speeding bullets. At the speed of sound, minimally about 750 mph, the distance record could easily be shattered, assuming the pumpkin doesn't shatter first. For this team of self-described "high-tech rednecks," this is a matter of some urgency and pride, says Matt Parker, a Morton businessman and a team leader. For the team is, at the moment, the undisputed champion of the arcane sport known colloquially to its practitioners as "punkin' chunkin'." On Nov. 1, all eyes will be on the Q36 when it defends its title as World Champion Punkin' Chunker in Lewes, a small town on the Delaware coast. For the past 11 years, pumpkin tossers, dragging all manner of contraptions, have converged there to vie for bragging rights in a variety of pumpkin-tossing categories -- human powered, centrifugal, catapult and air cannons. Sponsored by the Roadhouse Steak Joint, a Lewes restaurant, the contest derives from an anvil-throwing game once played here; how the anvil evolved into a pumpkin seems to be lost to history. The modern contest's rules are clear, however: Pumpkins must weigh 8 to 10 pounds, leave the machine intact and not be propelled by explosives. Like the rapid advance in, say, computer technology, pumpkin-tossing prowess has improved exponentially since the first contest in 1986 produced a throw of 50 feet. By 1989, large-scale centrifugals, essentially giant slings, were launching pumpkins more than 600 feet, a mark that had doubled by 1993. In 1994, the first serious air cannon appeared and shot a pumpkin more than 2,500 feet. A Delaware-made air cannon named the "Mello Yello" beat that mark with a 2,655-foot shot in 1995, only to be bested by the Q36 last year. Of course the cannons, though they have the longest range, don't attract all the attention. Last year, a catapult competitor rigged up two telephone poles planted in the ground, fitted huge rubber bands to them and fired a pumpkin from this Paul Bunyanesque slingshot -- pulled taut by a power winch -- 493 feet. Still, the serious pumpkin tossers gravitate to the cannons, and here in this small Illinois town, pumpkins are serious business. Area farms supply about 80% of the nation's canned pumpkin through Nestle SA's Libby's plant here. When the chamber of commerce director, Scott Witzig, heard about the Lewes contest in early 1996, he issued a call to arms at the chamber's annual dinner: Build a gun to bring honor to Morton's pumpkin heritage. The challenge was taken up by Mr. Parker, a polite, 28-year-old vice president at Parker Fabrication Inc., a family-owned company that builds industrial-exhaust systems. Soon, he and some tinkering friends were swapping sketches on napkins in coffee shops. "It sounded kind of dumb at first," he says, "but pretty soon, that's all we talked about." In a month's time, a group formed and built a machine largely from scrap parts, often working into the early morning at the shop of Rod Litwiller, a crew member. Friends and neighbors stopped in to help. Only when a crude version of the machine was unveiled at the Morton pumpkin festival in September last year did the builders get an idea of the machine's power. The first shot flew out of sight into a cornfield. "We thought, 'This has potential,' " says Chuck Heerde, a 32-year-old Parker employee and crew member. High Expectations The Q36, when erected, resembles a crane. It is hand-loaded from the rear, aimed using hydraulic cylinders and a turret that was once an old cement mixer and fired with the push of a red button that releases a charge of compressed air. Painted military green, the gun was named after a weapon used by Marvin the Martian, a pint-sized alien in a Warner Bros. cartoon. Ferocious as the Q36 looked, the Morton pumpkin crew still wasn't sure what made a pumpkin fly farthest. Too much pressure too fast, and the pumpkin bursts apart in the barrel. Too slow, and velocity suffers. Pat Parker, Matt Parker's father, contacted Max Teasdale, a friend who teaches engineering mechanics at Bradley University in nearby Peoria. An avid skeet shooter, Mr. Teasdale said he had just completed a ballistics analysis of shotgun pellets. "I asked him: 'Can you modify that for a 10-pound pumpkin?'" says the elder Mr. Parker. "He was silent for second. Then he smiled." Mr. Teasdale modified the ballistics program to compensate for a pumpkin flying through an 80-foot barrel in hopes of plotting the best trajectory. The computer tabulates, among other things, the weight and number of sections in a pumpkin (usually 10), the pressure and temperature of the air in the tank, the barometric pressure, pumpkin spin and barrel inclination. Still, Mr. Teasdale concedes that "pumpkins are an unreliable projectile." Undeterred, the Morton crew packed up the Q36 and hitched it to "The Blackbird," a black and silver GMC bus fitted with a diesel engine and front end welded together by Mr. Heerde. When the Q36 rumbled into the fairgrounds in Lewes for last year's contest, however, more experienced cannon makers were prepared to blow it off. But, after its first pumpkin blew apart in the barrel, the Q36 blew the competition away. Its winning shot of 2,710 feet broke the existing record by 55 feet. It also narrowly missed a Ford Mustang in the parking lot. This could have been serious: In a demonstration earlier in the day, the Q36 had blown a pumpkin-size hole in a half-inch thick sheet of plywood 500 feet away. Giving No Ground Word of the Q36 has spread like pumpkin butter. On the Punkin' Chunkin' Web site, one reviewer called the debut of the Q36 "awe-inspiring." Harry "Captain Speed" Lackhove, a Delaware competitor whose Mello Yello cannon held the previous world record, has vowed to come out of retirement to challenge the Q36 at this year's contest. Mr. Lackhove, 72, says he is cooking up a high-tech firing device based upon the designs of a California race-car mechanic and predicts, "We expect to set a record that won't fall for years." Which is why the Q36 crew vows to send a pumpkin flying at Mach I soon. But Mr. Teasdale, the physics professor, tempers the crew's ambitions with reality. Compressed air and computer-aided trajectories can send the pumpkin sailing just up to the sound barrier, he says. But he doesn't think it can be broken without the boost of an explosive charge. And no one quite knows if a pumpkin can stay intact at the speed of sound. Still, practice makes perfect. On a recent fall afternoon, the Q36 crew took the cannon to Goshen, Ind., for a rare public demonstration at the grand opening of a subdivision called Clover Trails. A horn sounded across the cornfields as the barrel of the Q36 rose ominously and, with a loud "foop," fired a pumpkin. This was a low-power shot, and it sailed perhaps 1,200 feet. Soon, cars pulled over and a crowd of about 100 materialized. Loud applause and laughter erupted after every shot. Between shots, a farmer walked up and asked, "How far can she go?" "We can put a hole in that silo over there," said Mr. Heerde. "Oh, don't do that," the farmer said. "That's my silo." http://www.atbeach.com/announce/pumkin.html ------- End of Forwarded Message  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA15430; Mon, 30 Mar 98 17:22:45 EST Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA00662; Mon, 30 Mar 98 17:22:29 EST Received: from Saturn (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.5/8.8.3) with SMTP id RAA20514; Mon, 30 Mar 1998 17:22:23 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 30 Mar 1998 17:22:23 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <9803302156.AA29919@uu3.psi.com> Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: Mendes@WESTPORT.MSMAIL.AIGFPC.COM Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: THE LOST G&S Musical!!! NEWS!!! Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 30 Mar 1998 17:22:23 -0500 (EST) Reply-To: Mendes@WESTPORT.MSMAIL.AIGFPC.COM Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: THE LOST G&S Musical!!! NEWS!!! Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) My darling cousin sent this... > From: Adina Alexander[SMTP:adina@mail.cduniverse.com] > Sent: Monday, March 30, 1998 9:00 AM > To: Rica Mendes at work > Subject: THE LOST G&S Musical!!! NEWS!!! > > One of the advantages of living near several large colleges, is access > to their library collections. Not too long ago, I found a partial > score in the archives at the University of California at Los Angeles. > > As you probably know, most of their works were heavily satirical and > antiestablishment; this was no exception. It was set in old > Quakerstown, and featured in the cast William Penn and his two aunts, > Ethel and Helen. Penn gained so much acclaim that the city was > eventually renamed in his honor, but because of this, the > accomplishments of his relatives were lost to antiquity. Gilbert and > Sullivan therefore focused on the forgotten Penn sisters. > > These two ladies were quite possibly the first American consumer > activists. It seems that the bakers guild conspired to drive the > prices of all their deserts and cookies up uniformly, trapping the > citizens into buying at their controlled price as there was no other > game in town. They didn't attempt this with their breads and rolls, > knowing as they did that most of the townswomen would just as soon > make their own; but claiming that desserts were a luxurious indulgence > as a justification, the concentrated on these. > > Their scheme worked quite well for some time,. After a brief initial > period of outrage, the town folk settled into a resigned acceptance > that if they wanted fine desserts, especially pies, they would have to > pay the price demanded by the bakers guild. The guild had such a > strong grip on the pie market due to a deal struck with the grocers > guild: by buying their entire stock of berries, cherries and apples, > they commanded an excellent rate for the fruit and deprived the town > of all the choice pie fillings. This went on for nearly eight months > before Helen and Ethel decided to do something about it. > > William Penn, as you may be aware, owned quite a bit of land, much of > it being an orchard growing peaches and plums. Up until this point, > these fruits were used almost exclusively for jellies and jams, but > Helen and Ethel decided that excellent pies could be made of these as > well, and set out to create the best recipes possible using them. > Having done so, as the fruit ripened they spent their afternoons and > evenings baking their pies, and their mornings selling them in the > square. To do in the bakers guild, they sold the plum pies for a penny > apiece, and the peach pies for two pennies. > > Even in those much less expensive times, these prices were unheard of, > and people flocked to the square every morning, buying all their pies, > usually in less than an hour. In very little time, the financial > strain began to tell on the bakers guild. They still were forced into > their deal with the grocers guild to buy all of the available fruits > they had contracted for, buy no longer sold any of their pies to > recoup their expenditures. > > They attempted to raise the prices on their breads and rolls to make > up the difference, but as they had initially anticipated, no one was > willing to pay exorbitant prices for that which they could so easily > make themselves. Now, having lost the income from their breads as > well, the guild was in a veritable panic. They tried to coerce the > elderly Penn ladies, to bribe them, threaten them, but all to no > avail. > > Very soon, they were left with no recourse but to sell their pies at > competing prices, and to lower the prices of their cakes and cookies > as part of a deal to keep Helen and Ethel out of the baked good > business. They were also forced to buy out their contract with the > grocers guild and return the fruit supplies to the open market. > > > In the end, all turned out quite well for everyone except the greedy > bakers who found to their dismay that the people of Quakerstown had > developed quite a liking for peach and plum pies, and were forced to > buy the recipes from Helen and Ethel, forcing them to eat humble pie, > as it were, for quite some time to come. The title of this lost > Gilbert and Sullivan musical? Why, The Pie Rates Of Penn's Aunts, of > course... > _____ > > By the always punny Charles Weidman III... > > > %%% overflow headers %%% Cc: 'Mom&Dad' , "Burdo, Darlene" , "Cagle, Patty" , "Cartiera, Ernesto" , "Chiodo, Jane" , "Christ-Janer, Katherine" , "Deenihan, Michael" , "Dickinson, Chris" , "DiTullio, Kelly" , "Homscheid, Steve" , "Jaques, Sabrina" , "Litwin, Jennifer" , "Rozmus, Lori" %%% end overflow headers %%%  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA01191; Wed, 15 Apr 98 08:40:09 EDT Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA27350; Wed, 15 Apr 98 08:40:07 EDT Received: from Saturn (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.5/8.8.3) with SMTP id IAA06947; Wed, 15 Apr 1998 08:39:52 -0400 (EDT) Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1998 08:39:52 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: <43538211DFA@pegasus.hud.ac.uk> Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: SCOMDWA@pegasus.hud.ac.uk Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: David Armitage To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Emoticons Galore X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1998 08:39:52 -0400 (EDT) Reply-To: SCOMDWA@pegasus.hud.ac.uk Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: David Armitage To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Emoticons Galore X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum At the risk of offending Savoynetters who have already expressed a dislike of these things, below is list of emoticons and their meanings, which was emailed to me some time ago. Hope it makes you smile David Armitage. ============================================== Forwarded message begins: Last month this newspaper described some of the purported hazards of working with computers -- electro-magnetic radiation, strained limbs, strained eyes. We neglected to mention crooked heads. That is what you get from trying to read the expressions of a new hieroglyphic language that computer addicts have invented to enliven messages. Like prehistoric cave dwellers, the devotees of electronic bulletin-boards and "e-mail" have struggled to find a new way to express themselves. Wall painting would not work. Words, it seems, are not enough. Inarticulate sounds cannot be displayed on screens. To make their messages feel more like personal contact, they have hit on using the punctuation marks on an ordinaty keyboard in order to pull faces at each other. To read these signs, you have to put your head on your left shoulder. The basic unit is: :-) the "smiley", a standard smiling face. In context, this can mean "I'm happy to hear from you", or other pleasantries. The smiley can also wink: ;-) or frown: :-( among other things. The language can express many things about the user's appearance: 8-) :-{) 8:-) :-)-8 :-Q @:-) These signs mean, respectively, that the user wears sunglasses, has a moustache, is a little girl, is a big girl, smokes, wears a turban. The smiley can also indicate some subtleties of mood and response: :-D :-/ :-e :-7 :-X hese mean that he is laughing, is sceptical, is disappointed, is wry, is keeping his lips sealed. Many of the signs (perhaps the majority in use on America's biggest computer networks) are simply absurd fun, verging on the unintelligible: :-F *:o) +-:-) @= The user is a buck-toothed vampire with one tooth missing, is a clown, holds religious office, is pro-nuclear. The hieroglyph of our title means that the user is a drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a moustache and a double chin. Now you know what electronic mail is used for. =*= Subject: Here's a smile directory - Hope it lightens you day. The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary -------------------------------- :-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix. ;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie. :-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something. :-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as good as a happy smilie :-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-). :-> User just made a really devilish remark. ;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made. Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones: (-: User is left handed %-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight :*) User is drunk :-)) User has a double chin [:] User is a robot 8-) User is wearing sunglasses B:-) Sunglasses on head ::-) User wears normal glasses B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses 8:-) User is a little girl :-)-8 User is a Big girl :-{) User has a mustache :-{} User wears lipstick {:-) User wears a toupee }:-( Toupee in an updraft :-[ User is a Vampire :-E Bucktoothed vampire :-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing :-7 User juust made a wry statement :-* User just ate something sour :-)~ User drools :-~) User has a cold :'-( User is crying :'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying :-@ User is screaming :-# User wears braces :^) User has a broken nose :v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way :_) User's nose is sliding off of his face :<) User is from an Ivy League School :-& User is tongue tied. =:-) User is a hosehead -:-) User is a punk rocker -:-( (real punk rockers don't smile) :=) User has two noses +-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office `:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning ,:-) Same thing...other side |-I User is asleep |-O User is yawning/snoring :-Q User is a smoker :-? User smokes a pipe O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver) O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least) :-P Nyahhhh! :-S User just made an incoherent statement :-D User is laughing (at you!) :-X User's lips are sealed :-C User is really bummed :-/ User is skeptical C=:-) User is a chef @= User is pro-nuclear war *<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat :-o Uh oh! (8-o It's Mr. Bill! *:o) And Bozo the Clown! 3:] Pet smilie 3:[ Mean Pet smilie d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat. E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator :-9 User is licking his/her lips %-6 User is braindead [:-) User is wearing a walkman (:I User is an egghead <:-I User is a dunce K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie @:-) User is wearing a turban :-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab) :-: Mutant Smilie The invisible smilie .-) User only has one eye ,-) Ditto...but he's winking X-( User just died 8 :-) User is a wizard C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin. o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o David W Armitage + Open Learning Resource Centre School of Computing and Mathematics The University of Huddersfield Queensgate + Huddersfield + West Yorkshire email: d.w.armitage@pegasus.hud.ac.uk o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA25996; Tue, 26 May 98 16:54:25 EDT Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA03300; Tue, 26 May 98 16:54:31 EDT Received: from Saturn (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.5/8.8.3) with SMTP id QAA08373; Tue, 26 May 1998 16:54:09 -0400 (EDT) Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 16:54:09 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: bmiller@holycross.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "Bruce I. Miller" To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Keeping Conductors In Line Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Disposition: inline Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 16:54:09 -0400 (EDT) Reply-To: bmiller@holycross.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "Bruce I. Miller" To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Keeping Conductors In Line Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Disposition: inline Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 Dear SavoyNet: We've had viola jokes and oboe jokes recently, so I thought I'd pass this on, which was forwarded to me, source unknown. It rings with truth. Bruce I. Miller College of the Holy Cross Worcester, MA 01610-2395 U.S.A. --------------------------------- A Musician's Guide to Keeping Conductors in Line If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.) 1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs. 2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor. 3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. 4. Look the other way just before cues. 5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment. 6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor. 7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds. 8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth). 9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.) 10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. 11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music. 12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. 13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently. 14. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein [for our purposes, substitute "Sargeant" "Mackerras" or even "Godfrey"] recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?" 15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder. 16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert. 17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget. 18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important. It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?  1, forwarded,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA22564; Tue, 26 May 98 13:15:43 EDT Received: from PUSEY.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AB25666; Tue, 26 May 98 13:15:19 EDT Received: by pusey.MIT.EDU (940816.SGI.8.6.9/4.7) id NAA10634; Tue, 26 May 1998 13:15:25 -0400 Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 13:15:25 -0400 Message-Id: <199805261715.NAA10634@pusey.MIT.EDU> From: tb@MIT.EDU (Thomas Bushnell, n/BSG) To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: [nev@bostic.com: Theological Engineering] X-Pgp-Fingerprint: 1F0A1E51 63 28 EB DA E6 44 E5 5E EC F3 04 26 4E BF 1A 92 X-Windows: Form follows malfunction. *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 13:15:25 -0400 From: tb@MIT.EDU (Thomas Bushnell, n/BSG) To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: [nev@bostic.com: Theological Engineering] X-Pgp-Fingerprint: 1F0A1E51 63 28 EB DA E6 44 E5 5E EC F3 04 26 4E BF 1A 92 X-Windows: Form follows malfunction. ------- Start of forwarded message ------- Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT) From: Nev Dull To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null) Subject: Theological Engineering Forwarded-by: glen@substance.abuse.blackdown.org Forwarded-by: Valtteri Vuorikoski From: spidweb@spidweb.com (Jeff Vogel) Date: Wed, 20 May 1998 00:47:41 -0800 THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM 1 5 Questions, 60 Minutes. You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam. 1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest frame, how much does God now love Bob? 2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with sheep S. a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the act if the sheep was not willing? b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing, could not be said to mind either? 3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.) 4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.? 5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much, everything. a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now? b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't so damn smug now, is he? Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation? Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work. ------- End of forwarded message -------  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA14485; Wed, 22 Jul 98 12:07:07 EDT Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA22902; Wed, 22 Jul 98 12:07:11 EDT Received: from Saturn (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.7/8.8.3) with SMTP id MAA06292; Wed, 22 Jul 1998 12:06:06 -0400 (EDT) Date: Wed, 22 Jul 1998 12:06:06 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: jweis@andromeda.rutgers.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Judith Weis To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: musical footnote (forwarded from Paul DeYoung) (fwd) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 22 Jul 1998 12:06:06 -0400 (EDT) Reply-To: jweis@andromeda.rutgers.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Judith Weis To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: musical footnote (forwarded from Paul DeYoung) (fwd) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum lest the conversation here gets too serious... 1880's: "There's lots of good fish in the sea" W.S. Gilbert 1990's: Many fish stocks depleted due to overfishing, habitat loss, and pollution. \ \ \ \ \ - - _ - \ \ \ \ ----\ - _ - \ - - ( O \ _ - -_ __ / - - / -/// _ ______ ___/ /// / Judith S. Weis Department of Biological Sciences Rutgers Univ. Newark NJ 07102 jweis@andromeda.rutgers.edu ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: 21 Jul 98 15:08:36 PDT From: Linda Mantel To: jweis@andromeda.rutgers.edu Subject: musical footnote (forwarded from Paul DeYoung) --- Forwarded Message from Virginia Hancock --- >Date: 21 Jul 98 15:06:41 PDT >From: Virginia Hancock >Subject: musical footnote (forwarded from Paul DeYoung) >To: Linda Mantel, Bonnie Garrett program note from a concert at the Swerigefinska Folkhogskolan music academy in Northern Sweden. > >Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the >Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning >pages here and abroad for many years for some of the world's leading pianists. >In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent her to >Israel to study page turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 >Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal, having turned 47 >pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at >the Klutz Musical Page Pickup competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange >a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in "grace, >swiftness, and especially poise." >For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the bent-page >corner methods. She works from a standard left bench position, and is the >originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring >the pianist's view of the music. She is page turner in residence in Fairfield, >Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield >Page Turning Institute. Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice house on a lake.  1,, Summary-line: 15-Feb Ken Raeburn #[cygnus.junk] Steve Christensen: [humor] why engineers don't write cookbooks Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA22702; Sat, 15 Feb 97 04:22:01 EST Received: from cygnus.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA19582; Sat, 15 Feb 97 04:21:46 EST Received: from tweedledumb.cygnus.com (tweedledumb.cygnus.com [192.80.44.1]) by cygnus.com (8.8.5/8.8.5) with SMTP id BAA01946 for ; Sat, 15 Feb 1997 01:21:46 -0800 (PST) Received: from cujo.cygnus.com by tweedledumb.cygnus.com (4.1/4.7) id AA12242; Sat, 15 Feb 97 04:21:44 EST Received: by cujo.cygnus.com; (5.65v3.2/1.1.8.2/20Sep95-0235PM) id AA03728; Sat, 15 Feb 1997 04:21:43 -0500 Sender: raeburn@cygnus.com To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: [cygnus.junk] Steve Christensen: [humor] why engineers don't write cookbooks From: Ken Raeburn Date: 15 Feb 1997 04:21:42 -0500 Message-Id: Lines: 55 X-Mailer: Red Gnus v0.76/Emacs 19.34 *** EOOH *** Sender: raeburn@cygnus.com To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: [cygnus.junk] Steve Christensen: [humor] why engineers don't write cookbooks From: Ken Raeburn Date: 15 Feb 1997 04:21:42 -0500 Lines: 55 X-Mailer: Red Gnus v0.76/Emacs 19.34 ------- Start of forwarded message ------- From: mrovner@panix.com (Marc David Rovner) Newsgroups: cygnus.junk Subject: Steve Christensen: [humor] why engineers don't write cookbooks Date: 14 Feb 1997 23:22:16 -0800 Organization: Cygnus Solutions Message-ID: <199702150722.CAA28777.cygnus.junk@panix2.panix.com> -]------- Forwarded Message -] -]Why Engineers Don't Write Cookbooks -]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -] -]Chocolate Chip Cookies: -] -]Ingredients: -] -] 1) 532.35 cm3 gluten -] 2) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 -] 3) 4.9 cm3 refined halite -] 4) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride -] 5) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 -] 6) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 -] 7) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde -] 8) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein -] 9) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao -]10) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) -] -]To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall -]heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients -]one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor -]vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients -]four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. -] -]To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes -]of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient -]nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at -]this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may -]be the result of an exothermic reaction. -] -]Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture -]piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for -]a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first -]order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. -]Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer -]table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium. -] -] -]------- End of Forwarded Message -] -] -] ------- End of forwarded message -------  1, forwarded,, Summary-line: 17-Feb Rich Carreiro #(Fwd) How to Succeed as an Evil Villain(tm) Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA00586; Mon, 17 Feb 97 17:06:19 EST Received: from pesto.bos.saic.COM by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA16207; Mon, 17 Feb 97 17:06:06 EST Received: from bugs-bunny.bos.saic.com by pesto.bos.saic.com via ESMTP (940816.SGI.8.6.9/930416.SGI.AUTO) for <@pesto.bos.saic.com:dinner@mit.edu> id RAA04553; Mon, 17 Feb 1997 17:06:05 -0500 Received: by bugs-bunny.bos.saic.com (940816.SGI.8.6.9/930416.SGI.AUTO) for dinner@mit.edu id RAA07586; Mon, 17 Feb 1997 17:06:05 -0500 From: "Rich Carreiro" Message-Id: <9702171706.ZM7584@bugs-bunny.bos.saic.com> Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 17:06:03 -0500 Organization: SAIC/Burlington, MA X-Phones: (617)221-7607 Reply-To: rlcarr@bos.saic.com X-Mailer: Z-Mail (3.2.2 10apr95 MediaMail) To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: (Fwd) How to Succeed as an Evil Villain(tm) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii *** EOOH *** From: "Rich Carreiro" Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 17:06:03 -0500 Organization: SAIC/Burlington, MA X-Phones: (617)221-7607 Reply-To: rlcarr@bos.saic.com X-Mailer: Z-Mail (3.2.2 10apr95 MediaMail) To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: (Fwd) How to Succeed as an Evil Villain(tm) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Here's the "Evil Overlord" thing we were talking about last night. --- Forwarded mail from rlcarr@bos.saic.com ===begin forwarded text=== I'd also hire professional interrogators to do my questioning for me instead of going into the dungeon alone to face my fallen foe. ESPECIALLY if my foe is a member of the Aradies famly (see Dune) or looks at all like Errol Flynn. -Drew From: "Andrew Shein" Date: Thu, 13 Feb 1997 09:07:23 -0500 From: Laura Packer 5-2027 If I ever become an Evil Overlord: 1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies. 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible." 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. 15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. 22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. ===end forwarded text=== ---End of forwarded mail from rlcarr@bos.saic.com == Rich  1,, Summary-line: 28-Feb Sternenberg, Philip #Re: Off G&S, but very Gilbertian Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA20091; Fri, 28 Feb 97 11:10:19 EST Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA15840; Fri, 28 Feb 97 11:10:18 EST Received: from localhost (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.bridgewater.edu (8.8.5/8.8.3) with SMTP id LAA16650; Fri, 28 Feb 199 7 11:09:55 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 28 Feb 1997 11:09:55 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <33172CCE@ms-mail-gate> Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "Sternenberg, Philip (HAC)" To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Re: Off G&S, but very Gilbertian X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: Microsoft Mail V3.0 *** EOOH *** 7 11:09:55 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 28 Feb 1997 11:09:55 -0500 (EST) Reply-To: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "Sternenberg, Philip (HAC)" To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: Re: Off G&S, but very Gilbertian X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: Microsoft Mail V3.0 >"Rest of the Story" fans might want to keep a look-out for Paul Aurandt's >_Paul Harvey's The Rest of the Story_, which contains "The Kidnaping of >Bab." The book appeared in both hard covers and paperback. I remember hearing that one. There was another one about the woman Gilbert represented in court who threw her boot at him when she was dissatisfied with the verdict. >Aurandt is Harvey's son, and does/did the writing/research for "The Rest >of the Story." > >Ralph MacPhail, Jr. "Does" was correct the last time I heard. BTW, the newscaster's full name is Paul Harvey Aurandt, and Paul Jr. keeps the surname. As I recall, for an item to make "Rest of the Story," its validity must be verified by at least two independent sources. It's possible that the forensic nightmare I mentioned may have circulated to the extent where two independent sources wrongly believed it to be true, but I really can't say. I also got a few of the details wrong. Ernie Fosse was nice enough to send me a more complete version, which I've included below my signature. Feel free to judge for yourself whether or not it's true. I admit it's extremely far-fetched, but I'd also like to trust "Rest of the Story." Whatever, I apologize for tying up SavoyNet on this as much as I have. Anyone who can say for sure whether or not the story is true may respond to me privately. Philip Sternenberg -- "Nature's Sole Mistake!" philip@msushck1.msushck001.hac.vlt.eds.com >1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE > >At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American >Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper >Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal >complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: > >"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of >Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound >of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten- >story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note >indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth >floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a >window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor >the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at >the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and >that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide >anyway because of this." > >"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to >commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the >mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot >on the way to certain death nine stories below probably >would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to >homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not >have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel >that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth >floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an >elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was >threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, >when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife >and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus. > >"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in >the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When >confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were >both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. >The old man said it was his longstanding habit to threaten >his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to >murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be >an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. > >"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw >the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six >weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the >old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the >son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun >threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his >father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of >murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. > >But, there was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation >revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly >despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his >mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story >building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast >through a ninth story window. > >"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."  1,, Summary-line: 27-Mar CarolYN J Smith #amusement Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA21277; Fri, 27 Mar 98 14:22:38 EST Received: from NO-KNIFE.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA17008; Fri, 27 Mar 98 14:20:31 EST Received: by no-knife.MIT.EDU (8.8.7/4.7) id OAA21713; Fri, 27 Mar 1998 14:20:29 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <199803271920.OAA21713@no-knife.MIT.EDU> To: jcb@MIT.EDU Cc: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: amusement Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1998 14:20:29 EST From: CarolYN J Smith *** EOOH *** To: jcb@MIT.EDU Cc: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: amusement Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1998 14:20:29 EST From: CarolYN J Smith ------- Forwarded Message Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po8.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA20697; Fri, 27 Mar 98 12:06:19 EST Received: from ENGLAND.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA22426; Fri, 27 Mar 98 12:01:44 EST Received: by england.MIT.EDU (SMI-8.6/4.7) id MAA06413; Fri, 27 Mar 1998 12:00:59 -0500 Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1998 12:00:59 -0500 Message-Id: <199803271700.MAA06413@england.MIT.EDU> From: Jennie Hango To: Cliff McCarthy , John Stimson , cjsmith@MIT.EDU, Jeremy & Christie Cosand Subject: WARNING!!! Join the Crew! (fwd) Reply-To: Jennie Hango - ------- start of forwarded message (RFC 934 encapsulation) ------- From: Deborah Kaplan To: freakhouse@suberic.net, reebee@suberic.net, jhango@MIT.EDU (jennie hango), jessica_potts@hmco.com (jess potts) Subject: WARNING!!! Join the Crew! Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1998 10:07:07 -0500 (EST) From: Stephen Swann From: jyoung@idcresearch.com - - ---FORWARDED TEXT--- WARNING!!! If anyone attempts to teach you a tune titled Join the Crew, do not listen. This is not a traditional jig or a reel but is a Balkan virus in 13/8 time whose insidious counter - Celtic rhythms will erase all tunes in your memory and the memory of anyone who hears it and replace all of them with a random excerpt from Snoop Doggy Dog's greatest hits. Please send this message to as many musicians as you can. This is a new virus and not many people know about it. There are reports of sessions in as many as 42 cities (so far) being destroyed by this virus, with up to 300 former session musicians able only to sit helplessly and look at their mute instruments while reciting Snoop Doggy Dog. - - ---END FORWARD--- - ------- end ------- ------- End of Forwarded Message  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA02431; Mon, 10 Aug 98 10:25:05 EDT Received: from send102.yahoomail.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA23370; Mon, 10 Aug 98 10:24:48 EDT Message-Id: <19980810142538.4768.rocketmail@send102.yahoomail.com> Received: from [38.209.248.3] by send102.yahoomail.com; Mon, 10 Aug 1998 07:25:38 PDT Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998 07:25:38 -0700 (PDT) From: Heidjer Staecker Subject: 25 inches To: mandolia@eskimo.com, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, BBBoots@aol.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, natter@pressroom.com, brian.hirsch@janusfunds.com, wiggo@juno.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, kwagner@aec.umd.edu, noblessa@yahoo.com, cj@sftlaw.com, elkor@mindspring.com, deb@pobox.com, ticorp@erols.com, noahlott@aol.com, xalia@prodigy.net, mbahe@ci.aurora.co.us, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, magorn@yahoo.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, DonnaH@microhouse.com, kdavis7@juno.com, opus@MIT.EDU, hsn@wam.umd.edu, chris.pruchnic@janusfunds.com, elf@universe.digex.net, wjbagaria@venable.com, buubala@yahoo.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998 07:25:38 -0700 (PDT) From: Heidjer Staecker Subject: 25 inches To: mandolia@eskimo.com, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, BBBoots@aol.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, natter@pressroom.com, brian.hirsch@janusfunds.com, wiggo@juno.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, kwagner@aec.umd.edu, noblessa@yahoo.com, cj@sftlaw.com, elkor@mindspring.com, deb@pobox.com, ticorp@erols.com, noahlott@aol.com, xalia@prodigy.net, mbahe@ci.aurora.co.us, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, magorn@yahoo.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, DonnaH@microhouse.com, kdavis7@juno.com, opus@MIT.EDU, hsn@wam.umd.edu, chris.pruchnic@janusfunds.com, elf@universe.digex.net, wjbagaria@venable.com, buubala@yahoo.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii For those of you with weak moral sensibilities, read no further. :) > A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he > is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him > that his penis is too long. > "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can > shorten it?" > The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I > do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives > him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays > his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any > women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" > The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, > "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go > to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog > sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask > the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your > proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter." > The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called > out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him > dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his > penis was 5 inches shorter. > "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long > at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." > "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes > back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" > The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it > wasanother 5 inches shorter. > The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis > again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is > still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he > looked across > the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked > back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell > you? > NO......NO......and for the last time......NO!!!" > _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com  1,, Summary-line: 8-May Ken Raeburn #[cygnus.junk] Cement Teddy Bears (fwd) Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA19336; Fri, 8 May 98 18:14:40 EDT Received: from tweedledumb.cygnus.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA15352; Fri, 8 May 98 18:14:38 EDT Received: from cujo.cygnus.com (cujo.cygnus.com [192.80.44.10]) by tweedledumb.cygnus.com (8.8.5/8.8.5) with ESMTP id SAA02037; Fri, 8 May 1998 18:14:24 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from raeburn@localhost) by cujo.cygnus.com (8.8.7/8.8.7) id SAA30126; Fri, 8 May 1998 18:14:36 -0400 To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: [cygnus.junk] Cement Teddy Bears (fwd) From: Ken Raeburn Date: 08 May 1998 18:14:36 -0400 Message-Id: Lines: 267 X-Mailer: Gnus v5.6.2/Emacs 20.2 *** EOOH *** To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: [cygnus.junk] Cement Teddy Bears (fwd) From: Ken Raeburn Date: 08 May 1998 18:14:36 -0400 Lines: 267 X-Mailer: Gnus v5.6.2/Emacs 20.2 ------- Start of forwarded message ------- From: tromey@cygnus.com (Tom Tromey) Newsgroups: cygnus.junk Subject: Cement Teddy Bears (fwd) Date: 7 May 1998 22:40:43 -0700 Organization: Cygnus Solutions news/mail gateway Message-ID: Reply-To: tromey@cygnus.com To: junk@cygnus.com >--- Forwarded mail from Tony Pierce > >Subject: fwd: Cement Teddy Bears > >An amusing and forwarded tale: > > > An "Anti-shopping" Trip with the Los Angeles Cacophony Society > by Rev. Al > >I had been thinking for a long time about making cement filled teddy >bears. >I wasn't exactly sure why. At first it was just a perceptual curiosity I >wanted to experience, and I wanted others to experience: the idea of >being >handed what appeared to be a fluffy stuffed animal, only to have it go >tearing through your relaxed fingers like a lead meteor. > >The Christmas shopping season seemed an ideal time to get them on the >shelves of Los Angeles toy stores, so late in November, members of the >Los >Angeles Cacophony Society gathered in my backyard to gut several dozen >plush >toys and replace their innards with Portland's finest. > >We called them, "Cement Cuddlers". > >Each bear wore a full-color laminated label identifying it as such >complete >with bar code from another toy. Inside the folded tag was the text: > > Unfortunate Child, do not mistake me for a living thing, > nor seek in me the warmth denied you by your parents. For > beneath my plush surface lies a hardness as impervious and > unforgiving as this World's own indifference to your mortal > struggle. Hold on to me when you are sad, and I will weigh > you down, but bear this weight throughout your years, and > it will strengthen your limbs and harden your will so that > one day no man dare oppose you. > >The target was easy to select. Not far away was a large not-to-be-named >toystore, the biggest and newest of the chain in Southern California, a >massive thing like the newly christened Titanic just begging for its >iceberg. > >By 10:30, around a dozen Cacophonists had slipped in managing to place >several bears on the shelves without arousing suspicion. Not content to >just >leave them there we appointed Cacophonist Todd to help direct the >management's attention to our prank. At 10:35 Todd entered, located a >Cuddler, and brought it to the register, informing the cashier he >couldn't >find the price. > >Predictably, as he placed the innocent looking toy in those unwary >hands, it >went crashing to the floor like a particularly heavy bowling ball. After >this, it just got worse. Todd began to demand a speedier price check, >insisting that he had only minutes to complete this transaction before >it >would be too late to bring the bear to his nephew who was, as he >repeated >many times for our benefit, "in the hospital with a skin rash." This >element >of his story, however, did not appear to provoke the suspicion of the >clerk, >who apparently had no difficulty in imagining her customer entering the >children's ward not long before 11 PM to dump a lump of fur-covered >construction material in the lap of an ailing youngster. > >However, as Todd's volume increased, backups arrived. One of the more >astute clerks commented that she had never seen this toy before and >wished >to know what shelf it had come from. Indignantly Todd led them to the >appropriate place. A half dozen clerks, and several customers gathered >round >in bewilderment, passing the four bears amongst themselves and shaking >their >heads. > >I eventually moved into earshot, and heard one woman reading the tag >aloud. >"That's really deep!" she exclaimed. I could no longer resist. I moved >in >to express curiosity about this toy. > >"Oh! That's a cute bear," I remarked as I reached for a Cuddler. Without >warning, it was placed in my hands, which naturally were prepared to be >unprepared for its weight. Another thunderous crash! > >Now I was outraged! "Look here!" I said. "The labels say, for ages 2-10! >How could "Nameless Toystore Chain" sell such a dangerous toy to >2-year-olds!" > >Eventually I was calmed and began contemplating buying one for an older >nephew. Cacophonist Frank became interested in buying one too. We all >went >to the register. > >Thanks to the fully functional bar code, the farce continued. However, >the >bar code used was from another toy, and so the computer identified the >toy >as: Alien Face Hugger $1.99. More panic and confusion. The manager was >called. In the chaos, the bears are handed back and forth a few times >more >giving Todd one more opportunity to let one fall, this time "on his >foot" >(about 4 inches from his toes). He begins to wail and pulls off his shoe >and >sock. The clerks are incredulous. > >"Would you say he dropped that on his foot?" one says to me. > >"I don't want to get involved," I say, secretly gesturing that Todd >seems >crazy. > >The manager arrives, and he is young and sour-looking. Easily a control >freak. We feel he is our divinely ordained victim. > >They explain the difficulty with the scans, but he seems to pay little >attention to the computer. Instead his eyes keep darting to Todd as he >leaps >around on one foot howling about the lethal bears to other customers. > >"Come with me, sir. We'll see what we can do for you," he snaps, >dragging >Todd off to his little manager pen. > >Frank and I continue as good cops to Todd's bad cop routine, but >continue to >hover at the register insisting on the purchase. We discuss with the >clerks >how troubled Todd seems and reread the label. > >"This is weird," one clerk finally realizes, "a Teddy Bear literally >filled >with cement." > >I suggest it might be a doorstop for children's bedrooms. > >Then a ray of light descends on Nameless Toystore. "It's like a joke >someone's playing or something," says one of our blue-vested assistants. > >"You mean," asks Frank, with wonderfully stylized naivete, "like someone >made them themselves? Maybe just this weekend? Took out the stuffing and >replaced it with cement?" > >"Or maybe that crazy guy did," says the clerk. > >"No, no. Can't be," I say. "Why would he insist on buying from you >something >he made himself. That's illogical!" > >Suddenly we hear Todd's voice booming again from the front of the store. > >They have emerged from the manager pen. > >This will mean so much to Bobby. God Bless you!" And he leaves with the >bear >in bag. $1.99! Lucky bastard! > >Manager-man hurries to the counter with his panicky stick-up-the-ass >gait, >one ear pressed to a cellular, doubtlessly consulting the Nameless >Toystore >overlords. We mob him, insisting to know the price arrived at. > >"They're not for sale." > >We are incredulous, indignant. "This item is discontinued." He bites off >the >word and rushes to the shelves to haul the Cuddlers away. We continue to >needle him as he gathers the bears. Suddenly, he swings around holding >the >furry blocks of cement as if he might do some harm. Perspiration has >appeared on his forehead. > >"Look!" he sputters, "I don't know how these things got on the shelves! >They DON'T track correctly on the computer. I've never seen them >before. I >have NO explanation. It's like someone's playing a joke on MY STORE!" > >It's in that word "my". You can tell. He's gotten that look like he's >just >seen the first crack in the brand new ceiling. We understand that if >that >crack widens by even a hairline, he's going to see through it. He >already >suspects Todd. He is probably 90 seconds from realizing that we're all >part >of it. > >And so we decide to take advantage of our time. > >"Could you at least tell us the manufacturer so maybe we could order the >toy?" > >He whips the label over, and reads, Brutal Truth Toys. > >This is a good time to leave. There's still a half hour before >midnight, so >we take advantage of the energy we've gathered to make a few prank phone >calls. I call a rival Nameless Toystore asking for Cement Cuddlers. > >I'm put on hold and another clerk picks up the phone and claims to have >actually pulled up the info on my Cement Cuddlers on the computer. He >tells >me I can get a raincheck. Sadly, when I ask for the stock number, he >suddenly loses the record that he "just had, just a minute ago". > >After going through three or four baffled and fairly easy to baffle >clerks, >I finally get to the manager. I am slightly indignant at the delays and >feigned ignorance of a product I JUST PURCHASED THAT VERY NIGHT at their >rival, the new Burbank store, we'd just invaded. The manager explains >that >this new store carries certain promotional items not available to the >other >stores because it is the newest and largest. I detect a note of envy in >his >voice, and soften my approach. I become confidential and ask if the new >store hired away a lot of good workers. > >"You know," I tell him, "I know it's big and everything, but it's so >new... >I mean, they didn't quite seem to have it all together yet." He agrees. >He's >heard rumors to this effect. "All the employees seemed, I don't know... >nervous somehow. It's like the store's too big for them to handle. I get >a >nervous feeling when I go in there." > >He knows what I mean. > >"I think it's that manager, maybe. He seemed so tense and kinda angry >somehow. He doesn't give me a good feeling. He seems a little odd. Have >you >heard anything like this?" > >He's heard some funny things about this upstart. > >"Yeah. Odd manager. Odd store. Come to think of it this whole cement >teddy >bear thing is pretty odd. Maybe this was just a special thing he wanted >to >order. Maybe they were his idea." He agrees, but he won't call the other >store to see if they still have them in stock there. So I tell him I'll >check back later. > >And I will. It was a good night, and we still have 18 more bears to >distribute. > >---End of forwarded mail from Tony Pierce ------- End of forwarded message -------  1,, Summary-line: 12-May Losure, Polly K. PRP #FW: List Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA01018; Tue, 12 May 98 08:41:00 EDT Received: from [199.196.189.5] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA21840; Tue, 12 May 98 08:40:47 EDT Message-Id: <9805121240.AA21840@MIT.EDU> Received: by 180MAIL2.heitman.com with Internet Mail Service (5.0.1458.49) id ; Tue, 12 May 1998 07:37:38 -0500 From: "Losure, Polly K. PRP" To: Dennis Jedlinsky , "'David J.'" Subject: FW: List Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 08:22:00 -0500 X-Priority: 1 Return-Receipt-To: "Losure, Polly K. PRP" X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1458.49) *** EOOH *** From: "Losure, Polly K. PRP" To: Dennis Jedlinsky , "'David J.'" Subject: FW: List Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 08:22:00 -0500 X-Priority: 1 Return-Receipt-To: "Losure, Polly K. PRP" X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.0.1458.49) ---------- I received this Email at work and thought you could use a laugh! Hope all is well for you both. Can't wait to see you in a few weeks. Dad- have you decided on a motel? Should we stay Sat. night too, or go home? Doesn't matter to us. Love- me 37 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL PENIS 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Aww... it's cute. 3. I'm sorry. 4. Who circumcised you? 5. Why don't we just cuddle? 6. You know they have surgery to fix that. 7. Make it dance. 8. It looks like a nightcrawler. 9. Wow... and your feet are so big! 10. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. 11. Eww... there's an inchworm on your thigh! 12. Oh no, a flash headache. 13. (giggle and point) 14. Can I be honest with you? 15. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 16. This explains your car. 17. Are you one of those pygmies? 18. Have you ever though of working in a sideshow? 19. All right, a treasure hunt! 20. I didn't know they came that small. 21. Why is God punishing you? 22. At least this won't take long. 23. How interesting. 24. But it still works, right? 25. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 26. Let me know when you're done. 27. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 28. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 29. Aww... it's hiding. 30. Are you cold? 31. If you get me real drunk first... 32. Is that an optical illusion? 33. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 34. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 35. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once! 36. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!! 37. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!  1,, Summary-line: 15-May stephen g. wadlow #"First we got the bomb, and that was good, 'cause we love peace and Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA00627; Fri, 15 May 98 00:08:06 EDT Received: from DRAGONS-LAIR.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA11312; Fri, 15 May 98 00:07:42 EDT Received: (from sgw@localhost) by dragons-lair.MIT.EDU (8.6.13/8.6.9) id AAA00482; Fri, 15 May 1998 00:07:45 -0400 From: "stephen g. wadlow" Message-Id: <199805150407.AAA00482@dragons-lair.MIT.EDU> X-Mailer: exmh version 2.0.2 2/24/98 To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: "First we got the bomb, and that was good, 'cause we love peace and motherhood..." Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Date: Fri, 15 May 1998 00:07:44 EDT *** EOOH *** From: "stephen g. wadlow" X-Mailer: exmh version 2.0.2 2/24/98 To: sipb-soc@MIT.EDU Subject: "First we got the bomb, and that was good, 'cause we love peace and motherhood..." Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Date: Fri, 15 May 1998 00:07:44 EDT - - - - Begin forwarded message - - - MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire." Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve." The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion." Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time." posted on 14 May 1998 Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network. - - - - End forwarded message - - - [Copyrights and forwardings gone when I got it, though the name of that professor is awfully suspicious...]  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA18772; Wed, 7 Oct 98 16:15:45 EDT Received: from CONTENTS-VNDER-PRESSVRE.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA00888; Wed, 7 Oct 98 16:15:34 EDT Received: by contents-vnder-pressvre.mit.edu (8.8.7/4.7) id PAA15018; Wed, 7 Oct 1998 15:36:40 -0400 (EDT) Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1998 15:36:40 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: <199810071936.PAA15018@contents-vnder-pressvre.mit.edu> To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: cliffside cell phone rescue From: Jeff Gilman Bigler X-Zippy: JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING... Reply-To: jcb@MIT.EDU Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1998 15:36:40 -0400 (EDT) To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: cliffside cell phone rescue From: Jeff Gilman Bigler X-Zippy: JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING... Reply-To: jcb@MIT.EDU Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII I saw this on the climbers list. Truth is apparently stranger than James Bond movies... Jeff ------- Start of forwarded message ------- To: climbers@MIT.EDU Cc: arshav@MIT.EDU Subject: hmm Date: Tue, 06 Oct 1998 18:05:14 EDT From: Boris A Itin AN EMERGENCY switchboard operator in the French Alps was understandably sceptical when he received a call at the weekend from a man on a mobile telephone who said that he was hanging off a cliff by his finger nails and would like to be rescued - quickly. "If you are hanging off a cliff, how have you dialled this number?" the operator asked curtly. "I have pressed the redial button with my nose," the man screamed on the other end. The helicopter rescue of Christian Raymond has caused a sensation in France, where the episode has been seen as both a miracle and an advertising gift to mobile telephone companies. A 23-year-old shepherd in the high Chartreuse mountains, M. Raymond was tending his flock in the craggy Dent de Crolles region at more than 2,000 metres when he spotted that two of his ewes had become trapped on a ledge overlooking a ravine. "To get them back, I climbed onto a steep grassy slope that had become very slipperly in the wet and I slid down it. The edge of the cliff was close and I knew I wasn't going to be able to get back up on my own," M. Raymond recalled. Many French mountain shepherds carry mobile telephones for safety and companionship, and M. Raymond had memorised the emergency alpine rescue number. "While trying to hold on to tufts of grass, I managed to get my portable telephone out of my bag," he said. No sooner had he got through to the emergency dispatcher than the connection failed and M. Raymond lost his grip sliding further towards the deep ravine. "In order not to fall, I was clinging on with both hands to the grass and rock. I was hanging over the edge," he said. Luckily, M. Raymond's mobile telephone had slithered down the slope after him and miraculously ended up near his face enabling him to dial the emergency number by pressing the redial button with his nose. After convincing the operator that he was not joking - "because I was crying"- M. Raymond was rescued 17 minutes later by a helicopter. "I could have held on for another two or three minutes, but not longer. The muscles in my arms were seizing up," he said. "I realise I've been lucky. You know, in some parts of the mountain, the portables don't work." Times Newspapers Ltd. ------- End of forwarded message -------  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA10034; Fri, 30 Oct 98 15:58:46 EST Received: from CHARON.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA01414; Fri, 30 Oct 98 15:58:43 EST Received: (from opus@localhost) by charon.MIT.EDU (8.7.6/2.3JIK) id PAA05176; Fri, 30 Oct 1998 15:58:48 -0500 Date: Fri, 30 Oct 1998 15:58:48 -0500 Message-Id: <199810302058.PAA05176@charon.MIT.EDU> From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rac@bu.edu, aallen@welchs.com, scott@hup.harvard.edu Subject: Duh!!!! *** EOOH *** Date: Fri, 30 Oct 1998 15:58:48 -0500 From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rac@bu.edu, aallen@welchs.com, scott@hup.harvard.edu Subject: Duh!!!! On my hairdryer instructions: * Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: * You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap, it says: * Directions: Use like regular soap. On a frozen dinner, it says: * Serving suggestion: Defrost. ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: * fits one head. ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT * Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING * Product will be hot after heating ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON * Do not Iron clothes on body ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE * Do not drive car or operate machinery ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) * Warning: may cause drowsiness ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE * Warning keep out of children ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS * For indoor or outdoor use only. ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR * Not to be used for the other use ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS * Warning: contains nuts ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS * Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW * Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands ON ROGAINE * Do not use on children under 18  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA00208; Wed, 4 Nov 98 14:45:31 EST Received: from CHARON.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA12373; Wed, 4 Nov 98 14:45:25 EST Received: (from opus@localhost) by charon.MIT.EDU (8.7.6/2.3JIK) id OAA22214; Wed, 4 Nov 1998 14:45:32 -0500 Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 14:45:32 -0500 Message-Id: <199811041945.OAA22214@charon.MIT.EDU> From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rls@dimins.com Subject: Okay, you've probably seen it, but... *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 14:45:32 -0500 From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rls@dimins.com Subject: Okay, you've probably seen it, but... Hey, Amy thought it was funny... :-) ------- Forwarded Message "The Gift" A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday. And as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not to personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love ....... P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing" This letter originated at Ricks College in Rexburg Idaho.  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA06751; Fri, 13 Nov 98 12:44:12 EST Received: from CHARON.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA12233; Fri, 13 Nov 98 12:44:11 EST Received: (from opus@localhost) by charon.MIT.EDU (8.7.6/2.3JIK) id MAA22838; Fri, 13 Nov 1998 12:44:06 -0500 Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1998 12:44:06 -0500 Message-Id: <199811131744.MAA22838@charon.MIT.EDU> From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rac@bu.edu, aallen@welchs.com, scott@hup.harvard.edu, rls@dimins.com Subject: Real Quotes to make you feel smarter :-) *** EOOH *** Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1998 12:44:06 -0500 From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rac@bu.edu, aallen@welchs.com, scott@hup.harvard.edu, rls@dimins.com Subject: Real Quotes to make you feel smarter :-) REAL QUOTES!!!! Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22 I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign I've never had knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. -- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge It's like deja vu all over again. -- Yogi Berra China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle The loss of life will be irreplaceable. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. -- A congressional candidate in Texas It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. -- Richard M. Nixon The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet. -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. -- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. --Everett Dirksen A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -- Samuel Goldwyn Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. -- John Wayne Half this game is ninety percent mental. -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. -- General William Westmoreland What a waste it is to use one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet. -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. --Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle  1, edited, forwarded,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA08345; Mon, 24 Aug 98 13:19:45 EDT Received: from charity.harvard.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA02170; Mon, 24 Aug 98 13:19:44 EDT Received: from mail.welchs.com (mail.welchs.com [207.180.67.19]) by charity.harvard.net (8.8.7/8.8.7) with ESMTP id NAA16934; Mon, 24 Aug 1998 13:21:39 -0400 (EDT) Received: by SRVEX10 with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Mon, 24 Aug 1998 13:20:18 -0400 Message-Id: From: "Allen, Amy" To: "'mendes@WESTPORT.MSMAIL.AIGFPC.com'" , "'rac@bu.edu'" , "'opus@mit.edu'" Subject: FW: Dr Seuss' lesser known books Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998 13:20:17 -0400 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="---- =_NextPart_001_01BDCF83.76E47FD6" *** EOOH *** From: "Allen, Amy" To: Subject: FW: Dr Seuss' lesser known books Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998 13:20:17 -0400 > Books to keep in mind for your child's collection: > > Dr. Seuss' Lesser-known Books > > 1. The Cat In The Blender > 2. Herbert The Pervert Likes Sherbert > 3. Fox In Detox > 4. Who Shat In The Hat? > 5. Horton Feels A Ho > 6. The Lemon Fresh Lorax > 7. How The Grinch Stole Columbus Day > 8. Your Colon Can Moo Can You? > 9. Zippy The Rabid Gerbil > 10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch > > 11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get The Fuck Out! > 12. Are You My Proctologist? > 13. Yentl The Lentil > 14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket > 15. Aunts In My Pants > 16. Oh, The Places You'll Scratch And Sniff! > 17. Horton Fakes An Orgasm > 18. The Grinch's Ten Inches > 19. Peter Putts Plays With His Nuts > 20. The Crack In The Shack  1, edited,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA12104; Wed, 18 Nov 98 11:06:31 EST Received: from charity.harvard.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA19937; Wed, 18 Nov 98 11:06:25 EST Received: from mail.welchs.com (mail.welchs.com [207.180.67.19]) by charity.harvard.net (8.8.7/8.8.7) with ESMTP id LAA06582; Wed, 18 Nov 1998 11:08:52 -0500 (EST) Received: by SRVEX10 with Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) id ; Wed, 18 Nov 1998 11:07:06 -0500 Message-Id: From: "Allen, Amy" To: "'rac@bu.edu'" , "'saga@sagacpa.com'" , "'scott@hup.harvard.edu'" , "'ellen.spear@infores.com'" , "Daniel, Zoe" , "McKenney, Ingrid" , "Heffernan, Christopher" , "Fennell, Karen" , "Ortigoza, Traci" , "Diorio, Kathy" , "Genest, Kim" , "Donahue, Allison" , "'mconway@post.harvard.edu'" , "'dzigas@shareholder.com'" , "'opus@mit.edu'" Subject: FW: Barbie & Ken write letters to Santa Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 11:07:05 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----_=_NextPart_001_01BE130D.7C6ED636" *** EOOH *** From: "Allen, Amy" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: FW: Barbie & Ken write letters to Santa Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 11:07:05 -0500 Too cute. Never thought about the "alternative lifestyle" Ken before. What a concept. > -----Original Message----- > From: Stephen Hird [SMTP:shird@ix.netcom.com] > Sent: Wednesday, November 18, 1998 10:57 AM > To: 'aallen@welchs.com' > Subject: FW: Barbie & Ken write letters to Santa > > > > -----Original Message----- > From: When there is balance, He is awake [SMTP:kristy@mv.mv.com] > Sent: Wednesday, November 18, 1998 10:24 > To: Humour distribution list; Dan Coutu; Iraj Douraghi; > enzjssr@nzsf00.epa.ericsson.se; Joann Barrows; Ken Stevens; Melissa > Gallagher; mrx@tiac.net; Pete McVay; rek@phcs.com; roger@acm.org; > seth.howes@tfn.com; Stephen Hird; Sue St. Marie; Netfriends distribution > list; celt@sprint.ca; lewfoo@ma.ultranet.com; marvin@ugly.microserve.net; > mike@iconnet.net; Dee Bitner-Hubbard; wheels@wn.net; Funnies Distribution > List; golash@process.com; halet@process.com; lentz@process.com; > mehlhop@process.com; Glen Mosio; murtagh@process.com; Mike Pignatiello; > pile@process.com; schreiber@process.com; Kathy Zieman > Subject: FW: Barbie & Ken write letters to Santa > > Barbie's letter to Santa: > > Dear Santa, > > Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing > at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in > frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, > and > I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There > had > better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a > nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). > So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa. > > 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. > I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing > suits > gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and > velcro > up your butt? > > 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What > bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my > skin?!? It looks like cellulite! > > 3. A REAL man...maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that > wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? > If > I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically > correct. > > 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away > once he is anatomically correct. > > 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, > just get it done. > > 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery. > > 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How > about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account > exec! > > 8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a > miniature > container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; > "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur > coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," > sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. > > 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. > > 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it. > > Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I > don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can > find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple. > > Yours Truly, > Barbie > > Ken's Letter To Santa: > > Dear Santa, > > I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in > her > contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In > addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about > me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to > take this opportunity to inform you of some of the issues concerning Ms. > Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. > > First of all, I along with several other collegues, feel Barbie DOES NOT > deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with > Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, Corvette, evening > gowns, and in some cases the ablility to change our hair style. I > personally > have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. > My > decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and > reflects my lifestyle choice. > > I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered > "Decorator > Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? > > In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered > such > as: "S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master > Ken". > These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new > markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me > away," > I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees > would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this > issue before. > > In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the > blond bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and > others. > > And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what > he > said last night. > > Sincerely, > Ken > > > *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* > * Kristy Gleason I know it's easier, to walk * > * Nashua, NH away, than look it in the eye * > * aka Woobie "Surrounded" - Dream Theater * > * Email: kristy@mv.mv.com * > *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA02792; Wed, 18 Nov 98 11:58:41 EST Received: from CHARON.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA21338; Wed, 18 Nov 98 11:58:40 EST Received: (from opus@localhost) by charon.MIT.EDU (8.7.6/2.3JIK) id LAA09290; Wed, 18 Nov 1998 11:58:43 -0500 Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 11:58:43 -0500 Message-Id: <199811181658.LAA09290@charon.MIT.EDU> From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Frightening, but more than a grain of "true" in it.... *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 11:58:43 -0500 From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Frightening, but more than a grain of "true" in it.... I was forwarded the following without attribution. It sounds a lot like a Dave Barry article, so it may be copyrighted. But you won't tell, will you? MEN ARE FROM SEARS, WOMEN ARE FROM NORDSTROM: "Just Her Size" I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male. Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads. I Also sincerely believe that if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be virtually no military conflicts, ... and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side). So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!" The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "5" or "7." Don't ask me "5" or "7" of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 5 at age 19, she wants to be a size 5 now, and if a size 5 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 5! So she will keep trying on size 5 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars. "Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..." "Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5s FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult. The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them." Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I know you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA01797; Wed, 18 Nov 98 18:33:36 EST Received: from CHARON.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA11782; Wed, 18 Nov 98 18:33:36 EST Received: (from opus@localhost) by charon.MIT.EDU (8.7.6/2.3JIK) id SAA10234; Wed, 18 Nov 1998 18:33:43 -0500 Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 18:33:43 -0500 Message-Id: <199811182333.SAA10234@charon.MIT.EDU> From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Best Oracularity *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 18:33:43 -0500 From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Best Oracularity The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mmm.. monkey. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's no wrong way, to eat a Rhesus.  1, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA29094; Thu, 19 Nov 98 13:42:53 EST Received: from universe.digex.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA01781; Thu, 19 Nov 98 13:42:53 EST Received: from jsieracki (207-172-175-27.s27.as13.rkv.erols.com [207.172.175.27]) by universe.digex.net (8.6.12/8.6.12) with SMTP id NAA20946; Thu, 19 Nov 1998 13:36:45 -0500 From: "J. Sieracki" To: "Donna Hirsch" , "'David C. Jedlinsky'" , , , "Cynthia J. Mallion" , , , , , , , , , , , , , Subject: Re: Well, it's *true*.... Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 13:37:39 -0500 Message-Id: <01be13eb$af555500$6eddaccf@jsieracki> Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Priority: 3 X-Msmail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.71.1712.3 X-Mimeole: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.71.1712.3 *** EOOH *** From: "J. Sieracki" To: "Donna Hirsch" , "'David C. Jedlinsky'" , , , "Cynthia J. Mallion" , , , , , , , , , , , , , Subject: Re: Well, it's *true*.... Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 13:37:39 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Priority: 3 X-Msmail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.71.1712.3 X-Mimeole: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.71.1712.3 MS-Condom98 Software Product License This Product is licensed, NOT sold. You may install and use one copy of the Product on the Hardware of your choice. The Hardware choice is up to the end-user and network partner and does not bear on the functioning of the Product; one size fits all. Microsoft shall be indemnified and held harmless should your hardware fail to function, regardless of circumcision or fault. This product may include functionality that enables the Hardware to act as a network server, any number of network users may access or otherwise utilize the basic services of the server with reasonable security. However, Microsoft bears no responsibility for crimes of passion which may ensue. This license grants you the right to install only one copy of Product on one set of Hardware. You may permanently transfer all of your rights under this agreement along with the Product to another user, however this is gross and may void certain security guarantees. Installation of more than one copy of Product an a single Hardware system may cause unexpected failures. You may not rent or lease this Product. Ewww. Reverse engineering by disassembly is a real bad idea and voids all warrantees, express or implied. No provision for backup is made or provided; sorry kids, what's done is done! Microsoft will provide one extra copy of Product for replacement use in case of failure; mail the enclosed post paid certificate, meanwhile pray and wait 8 to 10 months for delivery. Photocopies will not be accepted. == *  1, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA14292; Fri, 20 Nov 98 08:49:42 EST Received: from dewdrop2.mindspring.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA18188; Fri, 20 Nov 98 08:49:41 EST Received: from light1 (user-38lc7uk.dialup.mindspring.com [209.86.31.212]) by dewdrop2.mindspring.com (8.8.5/8.8.5) with SMTP id IAA11326; Fri, 20 Nov 1998 08:49:27 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <3.0.5.32.19981120085015.008ffd80@mindspring.com> X-Sender: elkor@mindspring.com X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Light Version 3.0.5 (32) Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998 08:50:15 -0800 To: "Cynthia J. Mallion" , jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, wiggo@juno.com, donnah@microhouse.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, elf@universe.digex.net, wjbagaria@venable.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, buubala@yahoo.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com From: Elkor Subject: Actual Newspaper Ads In-Reply-To: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" *** EOOH *** X-Sender: elkor@mindspring.com X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Light Version 3.0.5 (32) Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998 08:50:15 -0800 To: "Cynthia J. Mallion" , jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, wiggo@juno.com, donnah@microhouse.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, elf@universe.digex.net, wjbagaria@venable.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, buubala@yahoo.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com From: Elkor Subject: Actual Newspaper Ads In-Reply-To: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" * 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer * AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. * SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. * FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG * 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 * TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 * COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. * '83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 * STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 * FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -- 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG * FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. * SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents * GERMAN SHEPHERD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. * FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. * FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME. * FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 * NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE * BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" * SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS * FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE REWARD. * HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" * GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. * HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB * GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. * NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED * FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. * AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100 * TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. * NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD. * EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING $175. * OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. * JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300. * LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. * ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER * GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. * GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. * BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA - REGULAR OR TASTY - SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2 * OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS * KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box * FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA15852; Mon, 23 Nov 98 15:35:28 EST Received: from hup.harvard.edu by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA17347; Mon, 23 Nov 98 15:35:21 EST Received: (from scott@localhost) by hup.harvard.edu (AIX4.2/UCB 8.7/8.7) id PAA57868; Mon, 23 Nov 1998 15:34:52 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998 15:34:52 -0500 (EST) From: Scott Gagnon To: AAllen@welchs.com Cc: rac@bu.edu, opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Hmm. Interesting analogy. (fwd) Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998 15:34:52 -0500 (EST) From: Scott Gagnon To: AAllen@welchs.com Cc: rac@bu.edu, opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Hmm. Interesting analogy. (fwd) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998 15:32:27 -0500 (EST) From: Richard Swafford To: jokesgang1 -- Brooke Barnett Cantley chs88 , Jake Furbush , Kent Mcnellie , Laurie and Gina , Elizabeth J Riley , Scott Gagnon , Karen Jochimson , "Stella S." Subject: Hmm. Interesting analogy. To: Mike Houston/Corporate/JBHunt@JBHunt cc: Subject: >> CATS --- >> >> 1. Cats do what they want, when they want. >> 2. Cats rarely listen to you. >> 3. Cats are totally unpredictable. >> 4. Cats whine when they are not happy. >> 5. When you want to play, cats want to be left alone. >> 6. When you want to be left alone, cats want to play. >> 7. Cats expect you to cater to their every whim. >> 8. Cats are moody. >> 9. Cats leave their hair everywhere. >> 10. Cats drive you nuts. >> >> Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in cheap fur coats. >>  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA00552; Wed, 25 Nov 98 12:55:43 EST Received: from [38.209.248.2] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA17681; Wed, 25 Nov 98 12:55:40 EST Received: from SFT#u#PO-Message_Server by sftlaw.com with Novell_GroupWise; Wed, 25 Nov 1998 12:58:03 -0500 Message-Id: X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 Date: Wed, 25 Nov 1998 12:57:54 -0500 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: kwagner@aec.umd.edu, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, gumbrew@aol.com, LMi3555473@aol.com, takayla@aol.com, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, wolverinemjp@hotmail.com, brianhirsch@juno.com, jenigough@juno.com, kdavis7@juno.com, wiggo@juno.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, dpolicar@kenan.com, donnah@microhouse.com, elkor@mindspring.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, krosenberg@rsis.com, DroutmanE@tce.com, elf@universe.digex.net, wjbagaria@venable.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, buubala@yahoo.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com Subject: Funnies for the weekend Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline *** EOOH *** X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 Date: Wed, 25 Nov 1998 12:57:54 -0500 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: kwagner@aec.umd.edu, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, gumbrew@aol.com, LMi3555473@aol.com, takayla@aol.com, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, wolverinemjp@hotmail.com, brianhirsch@juno.com, jenigough@juno.com, kdavis7@juno.com, wiggo@juno.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, dpolicar@kenan.com, donnah@microhouse.com, elkor@mindspring.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, krosenberg@rsis.com, DroutmanE@tce.com, elf@universe.digex.net, wjbagaria@venable.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, buubala@yahoo.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com Subject: Funnies for the weekend Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline 1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). (HAH! -ed.) 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like http:\\www.home.com 23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man (or for that matter, anyone) a fish, and you feed him for a = day; teach him to use the 'Net and he won't bother you for weeks.  1, edited,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA13611; Wed, 2 Dec 98 09:09:06 EST Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA02704; Wed, 2 Dec 98 09:08:53 EST Received: from Saturn (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.7/8.8.3) with SMTP id JAA23251; Wed, 2 Dec 1998 09:08:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 09:08:25 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <4.1.19981202084931.00a53100@mail> Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: ornstn@home.com Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Ronald Orenstein To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Fwd: Re: Humour: 1812 overture -- please don't try this at home (off topic) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Pro Version 4.1 *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 09:08:25 -0500 (EST) Reply-To: ornstn@home.com Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Ronald Orenstein To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Fwd: Re: Humour: 1812 overture -- please don't try this at home (off topic) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Pro Version 4.1 Subject: TromBOOM! August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone. Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra. What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience. Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture. Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious. The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out "Hey, everyone, watch this!" YMH&OS, David Dooks  1, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA04579; Wed, 2 Dec 98 11:29:54 EST Received: from ACS4.BU.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA29288; Wed, 2 Dec 98 11:30:00 EST Received: from localhost (rac@localhost) by acs4.bu.edu ((8.8.8.buoit.b5.ACS)/) with SMTP id LAA70266; Wed, 2 Dec 1998 11:17:14 -0500 Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 11:17:14 -0500 (EST) From: "Rebecca A. Consentino" To: Brenna Pomeroy , pomeroyb@emmanuel.edu, pomeroyb@VMSVAX.SIMMONS.EDU, Scott Gagnon , Amy Allen , David Jedlinsky , Sarah Consentino , Megan Houpt , Jenna Wilkinson Subject: DayDoubler Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 11:17:14 -0500 (EST) From: "Rebecca A. Consentino" To: Brenna Pomeroy , pomeroyb@emmanuel.edu, pomeroyb@VMSVAX.SIMMONS.EDU, Scott Gagnon , Amy Allen , David Jedlinsky , Sarah Consentino , Megan Houpt , Jenna Wilkinson Subject: DayDoubler Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Hey, have you guys seen this? It's definitely going on my Christmas list... :o) becca FOR IMMEDIATE PRESS RELEASE DayDoubler from Connectrix --------------------------- DayDoubler is a new product from Connectrix that gives you those extra hours in each day that we've been asking for. Using sophisticated time mapping and compression techniques to double the number of hours in the day, DayDoubler gives you access to 48 hours each day. With the shareware hack MaxDay, you can easily stretch your day to 60, 72, or even 96 hours! Connectrix warns that at the higher numbers, DayDoubler becomes less stable and that you run the risk of a temporal crash in which everything from the beginning of time to the present would come crashing down around you, sucking you into a black hole. Should this occur, be sure to reboot with the shift key down.  1, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA20535; Fri, 4 Dec 98 10:26:07 EST Received: from [199.196.189.5] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA02005; Fri, 4 Dec 98 10:26:10 EST Message-Id: <9812041526.AA02005@MIT.EDU> Received: from KWIMAIL.heitman.com by 180mail2.heitman.com with SMTP (Microsoft Exchange Internet Mail Service Version 5.0.1458.49) id XATK5PAQ; Fri, 4 Dec 1998 09:18:43 -0600 Received: by kwimail.kennedywilson.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Fri, 4 Dec 1998 07:26:44 -0800 From: "Jedlinsky, Cindy PRP" To: Erika , Dave , Robert Subject: De Ebonics Crimmus Pome Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 10:22:00 -0800 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Jedlinsky, Cindy PRP" To: Erika , Dave , Robert Subject: De Ebonics Crimmus Pome Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 10:22:00 -0800 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain Merry Crimmus!!! Wuz de nite befo Crimmus; And all ower da hood; ereybody wuz' sleepin'; Dey wuz sleepin' real good. We hunged up our stockings; An hoped like de' heck; That old Santa Clause; Be bringin' our check. All o'de fambily; Wuz layin in de beds; While Ripple and Thunderbird; Danced through dey heads. I passed out inna' flo; Right nex to my Maw; When I heard sech a fuss; I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!" I looked out thru de bars; What covered my doe; 'spectin' de sheriff; Wif a warrant fo sho. And what did I see; I said, "Lawd look at dat!!" Ther' wuz a huge watermellon; Pulled by giant warf rats!! Now ober all de years; Santa Clause, he be white; But looks liken us bros; Gets a black Sanna dis nite. Faster dan a Po'lees car; My home boy he came; He whupped on dem warf rats; An' called dem by name! On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ; And on Willie Lee; On Saphire, on Chenequa; Dey wuz a site to see!! As he landed dat watta' mellon; Out der in da skreet; I knowed it was fo' sho'; Da damndest site I ebber did see. He didn't go down no chimbley; He picked da' lock on my doe; An' I sez to myself; "Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!" He had dis big bag; Full of prezents I 'xpect; Wid Air Jordans and fake gold; To wear roun' my neck. But he left no good prezents; Jus started stealing my shit; Got my drugs, got my guns, Even got my burglar's kit!! Wit my stuff in de bag; Out da window he flewed; I woudda' tried to catched him; But he stoled my 'nife too!! He jumped on dat wadda' mellon; An' whipped out a switch; He wuz gone in a seccon'; Dat son of a bitch!! Next year I be hopin': Anutha Sanna we git; Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause; Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!  1, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA24179; Mon, 7 Dec 98 11:06:37 EST Received: from [38.209.248.2] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA02687; Mon, 7 Dec 98 11:06:39 EST Received: from SFT#u#PO-Message_Server by sftlaw.com with Novell_GroupWise; Mon, 07 Dec 1998 11:02:54 -0500 Message-Id: X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 Date: Mon, 07 Dec 1998 11:02:29 -0500 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: kwagner@aec.umd.edu, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, LMi3555473@aol.com, mbahe@ci.aurora.co.us, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, wolverinemjp@hotmail.com, brianhirsch@juno.com, rebeccaneumiller@juno.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, dpolicar@kenan.com, donnah@microhouse.com, elkor@mindspring.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, krosenberg@rsis.com, elf@universe.digex.net, wjbagaria@venable.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, buubala@yahoo.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com Subject: Re: RE: Meeps and Moving Parties Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline *** EOOH *** X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 Date: Mon, 07 Dec 1998 11:02:29 -0500 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: kwagner@aec.umd.edu, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, LMi3555473@aol.com, mbahe@ci.aurora.co.us, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, wolverinemjp@hotmail.com, brianhirsch@juno.com, rebeccaneumiller@juno.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, dpolicar@kenan.com, donnah@microhouse.com, elkor@mindspring.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, krosenberg@rsis.com, elf@universe.digex.net, wjbagaria@venable.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, buubala@yahoo.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com Subject: Re: RE: Meeps and Moving Parties Recently (ie, sometime in the 70's) reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal. The following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir" Q: "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood." 22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."  1, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA25728; Tue, 8 Dec 98 14:20:50 EST Received: from u3.farm.idt.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA07645; Tue, 8 Dec 98 14:20:59 EST Received: from [206.20.7.38] (ppp-38.ts-1.ct.idt.net [206.20.7.38]) by u3.farm.idt.net (8.8.8/8.8.5) with ESMTP id OAA16045; Tue, 8 Dec 1998 14:18:55 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 14:24:22 -0500 To: gelflingaa@aol.com, adina@cduniverse.com, aallen@welchs.com, chiodo@westport.msmail.aigfpc.com, help_desk@iroquois.com, opus@MIT.EDU, erics@gateway.virtus.com, gerg@bellatlantic.net, stuart.leventhall@virgin.net, ihodgkin@aol.com, "Litwin, Jennifer" , jbayes@cs.oberlin.edu, joshb@avocet.prod.itd.earthlink.net, christ_janer@aigfpc.com, gizella.roberts@oberlin.edu, lpaschke@genre.com, rozmus@westport.msmail.aigfpc.com, michaellewisbarry@juno.com, aboundinggrace@hotmail.com, Philip_Gellis@mccord.com, POLINIAK@SPARKY.CS.NYU.EDU, rac@bu.edu, sjaques@westport.msmail.aigfpc.com, sally@jrol.com, goblin@ort.org.il From: Rica Miriam Wasser de Sola Mendes-Barry & Scott Barry Subject: They Couldn't Be That Dumb, Could They? *** EOOH *** Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 14:24:22 -0500 To: gelflingaa@aol.com, adina@cduniverse.com, aallen@welchs.com, chiodo@westport.msmail.aigfpc.com, help_desk@iroquois.com, opus@MIT.EDU, erics@gateway.virtus.com, gerg@bellatlantic.net, stuart.leventhall@virgin.net, ihodgkin@aol.com, "Litwin, Jennifer" , jbayes@cs.oberlin.edu, joshb@avocet.prod.itd.earthlink.net, christ_janer@aigfpc.com, gizella.roberts@oberlin.edu, lpaschke@genre.com, rozmus@westport.msmail.aigfpc.com, michaellewisbarry@juno.com, aboundinggrace@hotmail.com, Philip_Gellis@mccord.com, POLINIAK@SPARKY.CS.NYU.EDU, rac@bu.edu, sjaques@westport.msmail.aigfpc.com, sally@jrol.com, goblin@ort.org.il From: Rica Miriam Wasser de Sola Mendes-Barry & Scott Barry Subject: They Couldn't Be That Dumb, Could They? > They Couldn't Be That Dumb, Could They? > > An unidentified man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an > eighth-floor window this week, but his plan to kill her failed > when she became entangled in some power cables below. Seeing she > was still alive, the man jumped and tried to land on top of her. > He missed... > > Baggy clothes may save your life: a 13-year-old boy in Belgrade, > Yugoslavia fell 130 feet from his hi-rise apartment and survived > with only minor injuries. Witnesses said Daniel Gurgus' baggy > sweater caught tree branches on the way down... remember, kids, > just say no to Spandex... > > William deLashmutt of York County was fined $100 after he was > stopped at a police checkpoint with a car license plate, > registration, title and driver's license issued by "the Kingdom > of Heaven..." William obviously missed a comet... > > Joe Peterson, a tourist in Italy, broke an arm and both legs when > he fell over a cliff trying to pick a lucky four-leaf clover... > > After drinking a little too much, Stewart Butcher went to sleep on > a West Virginia railroad track. A while later, something woke him-- > a 15 car coal train. "I raised up," said Stewart, "and it knocked > me out..." > > Carlos Diaz of New York got 18 years to life for committing a > series of robberies by pretending a zucchini hidden under his > jacket was a gun... > > Joseph Owens of Mount Pleasant, Michigan, didn't think police were > listening to his complaints that someone was harassing him, so he > came up with a brilliant plan. Owens convinced his friend to shoot > him in the shoulder with a shotgun so police would take him > seriously. After a trip to the emergency room, Owens faces up to > four years in prison for filing a false police report...next time, > a little higher and to the left... > > Two eighth-grade girls in Mableton, Georgia were suspended from > school for practicing voodoo. According to reports, the Lindley > Middle School girls "were trying to cast spells on other students." > Everybody knows it takes four girls and a chicken... > > A bad week for kidnappers: three men in Marietta, Georgia tried to > kidnap Wanda Beverly and Anthony Watt. When police closed in, one > of the men shot himself in the leg while trying to unload his gun... > > When James Nagel tried to abduct a Los Angeles woman, someone tipped > off police. Nagel led officers on a "low speed chase" for 30 minutes, > then tried to get away on foot. He shot at police several times, but > missed. Nagel then climbed a utility pole and threatened to kill > himself. Police tried to talk him down, then shot him with ten rounds > of plastic bullets. Nagel finally surrendered after being sprayed > for five minutes with a high-powered water hose, but not before > accidentally shooting himself in the forehead... > > The makers of "Truster" software claim they can turn your computer > into a personal lie detector. CEO Tamir Segal says his software > measures "micro tremors" in the voice, and works over the phone. > "Everyone's sending me e-mail now," says Segal, "because they don't > want to talk..." > > An Australian man accused of murdering his wife can't seem to get > his story straight. June Mathew, John Rushton's second wife, > testified that Rushton told her his first wife died of a heart > attack, ran off with a Baptist minister after committing 55 acts of > adultery, and drowned after being washed overboard. Rushton also > claimed he was a nuclear physicist, a naval commander, and had been > knighted for saving the Queen's life. Mathew, who was married to > Rushton for five years, believed him because he was a "good talker." > but those pesky micro tremors finally gave him away... > > Our Product of the Week Award goes to Japanese inventor Kenji > Kawakami, creator of "Baby Mops." Kawakami has attached mops to baby > clothing, so your infant can clean the floor as he crawls... plans > for the "Baby-Vac" are still on the drawing board... > > An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped > cigarette lighter which he had been using all night while drinking > at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook > his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, > he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the > bar... > > When asked to explain an increase in area robberies, Washington police > chief John Layton replied, "The biggest factor is the inclination of > certain individuals of acquiring funds by illegal means..." > > When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car > into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. > When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able > to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an > officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver > because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..." > > The best-laid plans of a Canadian couple in a suicide pact went awry > because the weapon they used nearly as old as they are. Harold Pinna, > 89, and his 92-year-old wife decided to end it all with a .22 caliber > pistol that hadn't been fired in 60 years. Mr. Pinna shot his wife in > the head, but the rusty bullet ricocheted off a hair curler, and she > suffered only a mild scalp laceration. He then put the gun to his > right ear and fired again. The shot was so weak that the bullet lodged > in his ear. The dazed couple then gave themselves up to the police... > it was either that or throw themselves out the first floor window... o \ o / _ o __| \ / |__ o _ \o/ o /|\ | /\ ___\o \o | o/ o/__ /\ | /|\ / \ / \ | \ /) | ( \ /o\ / ) | (\ / | / \ / \ Rica Mendes-Barry and Scott Barry "What was I thinking?... I've never, hardly ever, phoebem@mail.idt.net right now I'm not drunk" - Christine Lavin  1, edited, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA14023; Wed, 9 Dec 98 13:29:02 EST Received: from mail13.digital.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA11097; Wed, 9 Dec 98 13:28:58 EST Received: from kamlia.zk3.dec.com (vkamlia.zk3.dec.com [16.140.144.99]) by mail13.digital.com (8.9.1a/8.9.1/WV2.0c) with SMTP id NAA15068 for ; Wed, 9 Dec 1998 13:28:58 -0500 (EST) Received: by kamlia.zk3.dec.com (5.65v4.0/1.1.8.2/05Mar96-0145PM) id AA15723; Wed, 9 Dec 1998 13:28:57 -0500 Date: Wed, 9 Dec 1998 13:28:57 -0500 From: David Jedlinsky USG Message-Id: <199812091828.AA15723@kamlia.zk3.dec.com> To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: [vandyck@lynx.zk3.dec.com: Some true humor from airline flight crews] *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 9 Dec 1998 13:28:57 -0500 From: David Jedlinsky USG To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Some true humor from airline flight crews Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane. "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!" "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!" An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." >From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."  1, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA11415; Fri, 11 Dec 98 08:58:11 EST Received: from [199.196.189.5] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA19153; Fri, 11 Dec 98 08:58:11 EST Message-Id: <9812111358.AA19153@MIT.EDU> Received: from KWIMAIL.heitman.com by 180mail2.heitman.com with SMTP (Microsoft Exchange Internet Mail Service Version 5.0.1458.49) id Y4FQ9R7B; Fri, 11 Dec 1998 07:50:54 -0600 Received: by kwimail.kennedywilson.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Fri, 11 Dec 1998 05:58:55 -0800 From: "Major, Cindy PRP" To: Erika , "David C. Jedlinsky" , Ruth , Robert , Tina Subject: FW: Dr Seuss Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 08:53:00 -0800 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Major, Cindy PRP" To: Erika , "David C. Jedlinsky" , Ruth , Robert , Tina Subject: FW: Dr Seuss Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 08:53:00 -0800 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain "Mr. President" by Dr. Seuss I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that, you've been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Saddam Hussein I did not do it with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher I chased her 'round, but could not catch her No kinky stuff, not on your life I wouldn't, even with my wife And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes Was paid for by my right-wing foes And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers Are just a bunch of party poopers I did not ask my friends to lie I did not hang them out to dry I did not do it last November But if I did, I don't remember I did not do it in the hall I could have, but I don't recall I never did it in my study I never did it with my dog, Buddy I never did it to Sox, the cat I might have-once-with Arafat I never did it in a hurry I never groped Ms. Betty Currie There was no sex at Arlington There was no sex on Air Force One I might have copped a little feel And then endeavored to conceal But never did these things so lewd At least, not ever in the nude These things to which I have confessed They do not count, if we stayed dressed It never happened with cigar I never dated Mrs. Starr I did not know this little sin Would be retold on CNN I broke some rules my Mama taught me I tried to hide, but now you've caught me But I implore, I do beseech Do not condemn, do not impeach I might have got a little tail But never, never did inhale.  1, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA14669; Thu, 10 Dec 98 08:38:35 EST Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA11370; Thu, 10 Dec 98 08:38:36 EST Received: from Saturn (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.7/8.8.3) with SMTP id IAA15384; Thu, 10 Dec 1998 08:38:07 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 08:38:07 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <3.0.2.32.19981210082014.006dd978@pop3.unet.com.mk> Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: momak@unet.com.mk Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Msleighm@aol.com (by way of Maureen Roult ) To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: implications for "Iolanthe"? Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Light Version 3.0.2 (32) *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 08:38:07 -0500 (EST) Reply-To: momak@unet.com.mk Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Msleighm@aol.com (by way of Maureen Roult ) To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: implications for "Iolanthe"? Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Light Version 3.0.2 (32) FAIRY PRINCESS RANKS DEPLETING AS GIRLS ASPIRE TO BE DOCTORS, LAWYERS WASHINGTON, DC--According to a Bureau Of Labor Statistics report released Tuesday, the number of fairy princesses in the U.S. now stands at an all-time low. "Just two generations ago, nearly every girl in America aspired to be a fairy princess when she grew up," BLS director Katharine Abraham said. "Today, a majority of little girls will tell you they dream of entering the professional ranks and becoming doctors, lawyers, scientists and architects. The effect this has had on the field of fairy princessing has been nothing short of devastating." The BLS study found that there are fewer than 8,500 registered fairy princesses in the U.S., down from 350,000 in 1955. The report has sparked deep concern among members of the fairy-princess community, who fear that future generations will not carry on their trade. "Today's little girls want to perform icky surgery or go to court and argue before mean old Mr. Judge," said Princess Merrie Flowershower, butterfly- winged ruler of the Kingdom of Pussywillow. "In 10 years, who will there be to pick talking daisies in the enchanted meadow or ride in the clouds on the magic flying pony Runnymede?" "I am too dainty and pretty to represent clients in protracted civil suits in federal court," said Princess Zephyr, who lives in the Kingdom of Fluffy Clouds. "Why would any girl want to do that when she could live in Cumulus Castle and enjoy a sunbeam bath from her best friend Mr. Sun?" In an attempt to generate interest in fairy princessing among young girls, the American Association of Fairy Princesses is launching an aggressive $55 million promotional campaign. The publicity blitz will include billboards, posters, and TV and radio spots, as well as recruitment tables at job fairs across the U.S. "We realize that this is not the sort of problem we can wave a magic wand at and make disappear," Princess Polly Rainbow Sprinkle said. "Believe me, we've tried. The fact is, we've been fighting some deeply rooted misconceptions. For example, a lot of little girls think that all fairy princesses wear pink daisy petals for clothes. The reality is, many of us wear little gowns of gossamer, with tiaras made of beads of dew." "The fairy-princess field is an extremely varied and rewarding one," AAFP director Princess Moondancer said. "As a fairy princess, you'll have the opportunity to do everything from sprinkling pixie dust on an enchanted apricot glade to undoing the spell of an evil queen and turning a toad back into a handsome prince. What other job can offer those kinds of satisfying challenges on a daily basis? Being a magical fairy princess is a great way for girls to really let their full potential shine through." But despite such arguments, little girls show little interest in the once- thriving fairy-princess field. "When I grow up, I want to be a U.N. interpreter," said 7-year-old Ashley Pfeiffer of Lodi, NJ. "Fairy princesses are stupid." "I got a Princess Prettypetals make-up kit for my birthday, and I hate it," said Caitlin Muller, 9, of Columbus, GA. "Everything was pink, and it smelled like stinky perfume. I'd rather play with my Invisible Woman anatomy doll. You can actually see her entire digestive tract and circulatory system." Fairy princessing is not the only field to fall on hard times in recent years. According to the BLS report, occupations such as swan queen, enchanted ballerina, good witch, and beauty-pageant winner have all experienced sharp declines in popularity, as well. "One thing is for certain," Princess Moondancer said. "If America's girls continue to ignore the fairy-princess profession, very few of us will be living happily ever after."  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA26689; Mon, 21 Dec 98 13:05:42 EST Received: from CHARON.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA04390; Mon, 21 Dec 98 13:05:40 EST Received: (from opus@localhost) by charon.MIT.EDU (8.7.6/2.3JIK) id NAA00333; Mon, 21 Dec 1998 13:05:53 -0500 Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 13:05:53 -0500 Message-Id: <199812211805.NAA00333@charon.MIT.EDU> From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rac@bu.edu, aallen@welchs.com, scott@hup.harvard.edu Subject: Have a Legal Holiday *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 13:05:53 -0500 From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rac@bu.edu, aallen@welchs.com, scott@hup.harvard.edu Subject: Have a Legal Holiday Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or other preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)  1,, Summary-line: 5-Oct Cynthia J. Mallion #Lawyer Jokes!!! Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA06050; Mon, 5 Oct 98 18:04:51 EDT Received: from [38.209.248.2] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA13819; Mon, 5 Oct 98 18:04:53 EDT Received: from SFT#u#PO-Message_Server by sftlaw.com with Novell_GroupWise; Mon, 05 Oct 1998 18:05:12 -0400 Message-Id: X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 Date: Mon, 05 Oct 1998 18:04:47 -0400 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: kwagner@aec.umd.edu, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, takayla@aol.com, mbahe@ci.aurora.co.us, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, ticorp@erols.com, rebeccaneumiller@juno.com, wiggo@juno.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, dpolicar@kenan.com, donnah@microhouse.com, elkor@mindspring.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, elf@universe.digex.net, buubala@yahoo.com Cc: gumbrew@aol.com, kdavis7@juno.com, DroutmanE@tce.com, wjbagaria@venable.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com Subject: Lawyer Jokes!!! Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline *** EOOH *** X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 Date: Mon, 05 Oct 1998 18:04:47 -0400 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: kwagner@aec.umd.edu, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, takayla@aol.com, mbahe@ci.aurora.co.us, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, ticorp@erols.com, rebeccaneumiller@juno.com, wiggo@juno.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, dpolicar@kenan.com, donnah@microhouse.com, elkor@mindspring.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, elf@universe.digex.net, buubala@yahoo.com Cc: gumbrew@aol.com, kdavis7@juno.com, DroutmanE@tce.com, wjbagaria@venable.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com Subject: Lawyer Jokes!!! Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline From Linda..... What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of = you when you die. =20 Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their=20 clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the = same service. =20 What's brown and tan and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman. (or a Rottweiler, or a German Shepard... or a Daschund or a Chiuaua, for = Small Lawyers...) =20 What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in = the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. Also works with other dead animals... Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side = has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, = they screw up everything forever. =20 What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of = becoming a human being. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?=20 They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out = which side to spit on. =20 Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. =20 What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?=20 Lipstick. Nah, pit bulls wear lipstick, too.... =20 What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet. =20 =20 =20  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA02508; Tue, 19 Jan 99 16:40:23 EST Received: from [38.209.248.2] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA29317; Tue, 19 Jan 99 16:40:30 EST Received: from SFT#u#PO-Message_Server by sftlaw.com with Novell_GroupWise; Tue, 19 Jan 1999 16:43:28 -0500 Message-Id: X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 16:43:22 -0500 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: kwagner@aec.umd.edu, marcia@alum.mit.edu, elf@andor.org, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, takayla@aol.com, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, wolverinemjp@hotmail.com, rebeccaneumiller@juno.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, dpolicar@kenan.com, donnah@microhouse.com, elkor@mindspring.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, krosenberg@rsis.com, DroutmanE@tce.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, buubala@yahoo.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com Subject: Some funnies... Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline *** EOOH *** X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 16:43:22 -0500 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: kwagner@aec.umd.edu, marcia@alum.mit.edu, elf@andor.org, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, takayla@aol.com, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, wolverinemjp@hotmail.com, rebeccaneumiller@juno.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, dpolicar@kenan.com, donnah@microhouse.com, elkor@mindspring.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, krosenberg@rsis.com, DroutmanE@tce.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, buubala@yahoo.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com Subject: Some funnies... Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline I'm sure you'll all be celebrating the birthday of Sir Isaac Newton with me this December 25th (really, that's his birthday). Here is some holiday cheer for y'all, especially word lovers. First, some definitions Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly--adj., impotent. Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained. Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash. Bustard--n., a very rude city bus driver. Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon. Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Internet--n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare Bill Clinton. Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam. Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers. Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Macadam--n., the first man on Earth, according to the Scottish bible. Marionettes--n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor. Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Now the business news. It's all mergers: Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace 3M & goodyear: mmmGood John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine 3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women: Knott NOW! Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da Netscape and Yahoo are merging and opening a company in Israel. It will be called Netanyahoo and finally, for those with the perseverance to read this far, a press release from Microsoft: REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.  1, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA23586; Wed, 20 Jan 99 10:09:09 EST Received: from smtp2.erols.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA05012; Wed, 20 Jan 99 10:09:20 EST Received: from jsieracki (207-172-243-209.s18.as14.rkv.erols.com [207.172.243.209]) by smtp2.erols.com (8.8.8/8.8.5) with SMTP id KAA15782; Wed, 20 Jan 1999 10:13:06 -0500 (EST) From: "J. Sieracki" To: "Cynthia J. Mallion" , "Kirk Wagner" , "Jay" , "Dave Policar" , "Ian Bilyj" , , "Deb" , "'Lauren Natter'" , "Kendra Rosenberg" , "BJ Bagaria" , "dena heap" , "Sir Jenga" , "Magorn" , "'Maureen Frank'" Subject: Fw: Deep Thoughts Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 10:11:57 -0500 Message-Id: <01be4487$38c8a5a0$d1f3accf@jsieracki> Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Priority: 3 X-Msmail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.71.1712.3 X-Mimeole: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.71.1712.3 *** EOOH *** From: "J. Sieracki" To: "Cynthia J. Mallion" , "Kirk Wagner" , "Jay" , "Dave Policar" , "Ian Bilyj" , , "Deb" , "'Lauren Natter'" , "Kendra Rosenberg" , "BJ Bagaria" , "dena heap" , "Sir Jenga" , "Magorn" , "'Maureen Frank'" Subject: Fw: Deep Thoughts Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 10:11:57 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Priority: 3 X-Msmail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.71.1712.3 X-Mimeole: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.71.1712.3 Might as well do my part in spreading spam humor... Date: Wednesday, January 20, 1999 8:10 AM Subject: Deep Thoughts > >Enjoy! > >Howard > >______________________________ Forward Header __________________________________ >Subject: Deep Thoughts >Author: Wendy Butler at ITTSHR245 >Date: 1/19/99 6:28 PM > > > some of these are pretty good...look out Jack Handey! > > >______________________________ Forward Header __________________________________ >Subject: Deep Thoughts >Author: "Darren J. Mieskoski" at Internet >Date: 1/14/99 7:19 PM > > >"Deep Thoughts" > >>From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked >to imitate the sentiments in "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." > >I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I >don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes >on the last day of their life? --Age 15 > >Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the >things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.-Age 13 > >It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, >like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of >people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for >the long weekends.-Age 8 > >Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just >any old yokel vote.-Age 10 > >Home is where the house is.-Age 6 > >I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.-Age >13 > >For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then >the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's >what happens to cheese when you leave it out.-Age 6 > >My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get >buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should >have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn >eternally-but I didn't want to upset him.-Age 10 > >When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have >lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.-Age 5 > >I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just >a lawn mower.-Age 11 > >I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that >the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water >for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population >gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was >a big fire and everyone died.-Age 13 > >I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. >Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of >his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.-Age 14 > >As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few >minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days >saved up.-Age 7 > >Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That >is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.-Age 15 > >It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. >No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood >would be right there.-Age 5 > >Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you >had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number >you could come up with! --Age 6 > >The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe >"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it >morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"-Age >15 > >Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. >So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, >right?-Age 15 > >If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world >peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the >looting started.-Age 15 > > > > >  1, edited, answered,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA03202; Mon, 25 Jan 99 14:57:32 EST Received: from charity.harvard.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA23659; Mon, 25 Jan 99 14:48:33 EST Received: from mail.welchs.com (mail.welchs.com [207.180.67.19]) by charity.harvard.net (8.8.7/8.8.7) with ESMTP id OAA15576; Mon, 25 Jan 1999 14:47:41 -0500 (EST) Received: by SRVEX10 with Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) id ; Mon, 25 Jan 1999 14:45:18 -0500 Message-Id: From: "Allen, Amy" To: "Heffernan, Christopher" , "Marcolini, Heather" , "Miedico, Patricia" , "Carbonell, Jose" , "McKenney, Ingrid" , "Genest, Kim" , "Donahue, Allison" , "'ellen.spear@infores.com'" , "'scott@hup.harvard.edu'" , "'opus@mit.edu'" , "'rac@bu.edu'" , "Harkins, JoAnna" , "Tomasello, Christine" , "Fennell, Karen" , "Ortigoza, Traci" , "Diorio, Kathy" Subject: FW: Interesting Trivia Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 14:45:17 -0500 Return-Receipt-To: "Allen, Amy" Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" *** EOOH *** From: "Allen, Amy" To: "'opus@mit.edu'" Subject: FW: Interesting Trivia Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 14:45:17 -0500 Thought you might enjoy some interesting trivia. - In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. - Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. - A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. - In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1. - The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. - The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. - Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio. - Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? - The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. - The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.) - When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. - The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. - Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. - 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 - If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. - Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." - Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. - "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. - The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." - Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. - An ostrich's eye is bigger that its brain. - The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. - The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. - David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. - The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. - The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. - The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. - Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. - The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. - Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. - If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. - No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. - The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". - The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. - Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. - The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." - In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. - It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. - Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. - There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun. - The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. - Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. - The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. - When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. - It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. - The Bible has been translated into Klingon. - Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. - Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. - Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. - On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. - In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. - Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. - Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6. - Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. - The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. - Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate. - According to one study, 24% of lawns have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard. - Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history.  1, forwarded,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA22744; Wed, 27 Jan 99 09:37:28 EST Received: from [38.209.248.2] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA11000; Wed, 27 Jan 99 09:37:08 EST Received: from SFT#u#PO-Message_Server by sftlaw.com with Novell_GroupWise; Wed, 27 Jan 1999 09:41:21 -0500 Message-Id: X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 09:41:08 -0500 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: kwagner@aec.umd.edu, elf@andor.org, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, wolverinemjp@hotmail.com, jenigough@juno.com, wiggo@juno.com, donnah@microhouse.com, elkor@mindspring.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, wjbagaria@venable.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, buubala@yahoo.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com Subject: Cat Haiku Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline *** EOOH *** X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.2 Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 09:41:08 -0500 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: kwagner@aec.umd.edu, elf@andor.org, ArcaneKnow@aol.com, jkaplan@clintoncomputer.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, wolverinemjp@hotmail.com, jenigough@juno.com, wiggo@juno.com, donnah@microhouse.com, elkor@mindspring.com, opus@MIT.EDU, deb@pobox.com, natter@pressroom.com, wjbagaria@venable.com, lmurray@wilmer.com, buubala@yahoo.com, hstaecker@yahoo.com, magorn@yahoo.com, noblessa@yahoo.com Subject: Cat Haiku Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline Cat Haiku You never feed me. Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. That will sure show you. You must scratch me there! Yes, above my tail! Behold, Elevator butt. I need a new toy. Tail of black dog keeps good time. Pounce! good dog! good dog! The rule for today Touch my tail, I shred your hand New rule tomorrow In deep sleep hear sound Cat vomit hairball somewhere Will find in morning Grace personified, I leap into the window. I meant to do that. Blur of motion, then -- Silence, me, a paper bag. What is so funny? The mighty hunter Returns with gifts of plump birds -- Your foot just squashed one You're always typing. Well, let's see you ignore my Sitting on your hands. My small cardboard box. You cannot see me if I Can just hide my head. Terrible battle. I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a 'term paper'? Kitty likes plastic Confuses for litter box Don't leave tarp around Small brave carnivores Kill pine cones and mosquitoes Fear vacuum cleaner Want to trim my claws? Don't even think about it! My yelps will wake dead. I want to be close To you. Can I fit my head inside your armpit? Wanna go outside. Oh, shit! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside! Oh no! Big One has been trapped by newspaper! Cat to the rescue! Humans are so strange. Mine lies still in bed, then screams! My claws aren't that sharp ... Cats meow out of angst "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much!" Litter box not here You must have moved it again I'll crap in the sink. The Big Ones snore now Every room is dark and cold Time for "Cup Hockey" We're almost equals I purr to show I love you Want to smell my butt? I like to roll dice from the box, one at a time I will steal them all James has a squirt gun when I eat the plant, he shoots I wait till he leaves Hair hanging, straight, long One of my favorite things Female visitors I seek new places cupboard doors hide secret realms meow when i get stuck  1, edited, forwarded,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA04115; Thu, 28 Jan 99 19:27:12 EST Received: from send103.yahoomail.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA13220; Thu, 28 Jan 99 19:26:51 EST Message-Id: <19990129000210.2014.rocketmail@send103.yahoomail.com> Received: from [216.67.1.96] by send103.yahoomail.com; Thu, 28 Jan 1999 16:02:10 PST Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 16:02:10 -0800 (PST) From: Patricia McDonald Subject: Fwd: Fwd: Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road? To: David Jedlinsky Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="0-1714636915-917568130=:29685" *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 16:02:10 -0800 (PST) From: Patricia McDonald Subject: Fwd: Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road? To: David Jedlinsky Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="0-1714636915-917568130=:29685" Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. --------------------------------------------- Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. --------------------------------------------- The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. --------------------------------------------- Colonel Sanders: I missed one? --------------------------------------------- L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. --------------------------------------------- Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens. --------------------------------------------- Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! --------------------------------------------- Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. --------------------------------------------- Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. --------------------------------------------- Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. --------------------------------------------- Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. --------------------------------------------- Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. --------------------------------------------- Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. --------------------------------------------- Ronald Reagan: What chicken? --------------------------------------------- Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. --------------------------------------------- Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? --------------------------------------------- Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. --------------------------------------------- Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. --------------------------------------------- Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. --------------------------------------------- Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? --------------------------------------------- Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA20144; Wed, 3 Feb 99 13:15:55 EST Received: from CHARON.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA26927; Wed, 3 Feb 99 13:16:16 EST Received: (from opus@localhost) by charon.MIT.EDU (8.7.6/2.3JIK) id NAA22420; Wed, 3 Feb 1999 13:16:01 -0500 Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 13:16:01 -0500 Message-Id: <199902031816.NAA22420@charon.MIT.EDU> From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: A Puzzle *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 13:16:01 -0500 From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: A Puzzle Here's A Puzzle for You: Schwartznegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The POPE has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, George Burns' was hot, Liberace NEVER used his on women, Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi's What is it? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? A Last Name!!  1, edited,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA01702; Thu, 11 Feb 99 09:39:42 EST Received: from relay1.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA01616; Thu, 11 Feb 99 09:39:34 EST Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay1.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10AxH4-0005Re-00; Thu, 11 Feb 1999 09:39:26 -0500 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id <14SD68TR>; Thu, 11 Feb 1999 09:39:21 -0500 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: "Chiodo, Jane" , "Rozmus, Lori" , "Christ-Janer, Katherine" , "Friedman, Kelly" , "Litwin, Jennifer" , "Westberg, Karl" , "Bell, Mitchell" , "Deenihan, Michael" , "Dickinson, Chris" , "Cartiera, Ernesto" Cc: "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Daddy , Dan J , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , Irv Hodgkin , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , Marisa Green , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , ScottB , sooz , stevemartin Subject: FW: Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 09:39:19 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Blonde joke Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 09:39:19 -0500 A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."  1, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA25917; Fri, 19 Feb 99 11:10:30 EST Received: from smtp4.erols.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA21096; Fri, 19 Feb 99 11:10:47 EST Received: from jsieracki (207-172-252-48.s64.as8.rkv.erols.com [207.172.252.48]) by smtp4.erols.com (8.8.8/smtp-v1) with SMTP id LAA22657; Fri, 19 Feb 1999 11:09:54 -0500 (EST) From: "J. Sieracki" To: "Linnea Ruad" , "Mark Page" , "Bagaria, William J., III" , "Rebecca L Neumiller" , , "'Maureen Frank'" , , "Cynthia Cole" , , "Magorn" , "Linda Murray" , "Kirk Wagner" , "Kendra Rosenberg" , "Judith Bucolo" , "Jay" , "Sir Jenga" , "Ian Bilyj" , "J. Sieracki" , "Drea Brandford" , "Dave Policar" , , "Deb" , "CJ Mallion" , "dena heap" Subject: Fw: Oreo Cookie Personality Test Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 11:14:57 -0500 Message-Id: <01be5c22$fe5ffea0$30fcaccf@jsieracki> Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Priority: 3 X-Msmail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.71.1712.3 X-Mimeole: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.71.1712.3 *** EOOH *** From: "J. Sieracki" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Fw: Oreo Cookie Personality Test Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 11:14:57 -0500 -----Original Message----- From: Howard Rabach >OREO PSYCHO-PERSONALITY TEST > >Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo >cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which >method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos: > > 1. The whole thing all at once. > 2. One bite at a time > 3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite > afterwards. > 4. In little feverous nibbles. > 5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...). > 6. Twisted apart, eat the inside, then the cookie. > 7. Twisted apart, eat the inside, and toss the cookie. > 8. Just the cookie, not the inside. > 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. >10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo. > >Your Personality: > >1. The whole thing > This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be > with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are > totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their > children. > >2. One bite at a time > You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat > their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack > imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal. > >3. Slow and Methodical > You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very > meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point > of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the > fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit > >4. Feverous Nibbles > Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You > always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. > Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin > would do you good. > >5. Dunked > Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like > to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad > situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the > shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic > addiction. > >6. Twisted apart, eat the inside, and then the cookie. > You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking > things apart to find out how they work, though not always able > to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your > activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a > compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior. > >7. Twisted apart, eat the inside, and then toss the cookie. > You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take > what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, > mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. > But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours. > >8. Just the cookie, not the inside. > You enjoy pain. > >9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. > Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional p> medical help immediately. > >10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. > You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice > things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy > about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. > You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no > pleasing you.  1, forwarded, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA15786; Mon, 22 Feb 99 10:29:08 EST Received: from [12.15.134.131] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA20427; Mon, 22 Feb 99 10:29:34 EST Received: by SRVEX10 with Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) id ; Mon, 22 Feb 1999 10:30:40 -0500 Message-Id: From: "Allen, Amy" To: "Daniel, Zoe" , "'rac@bu.edu'" , "'opus@mit.edu'" , "'scott@hup.harvard.edu'" , "Ortigoza, Traci" , "Heffernan, Christopher" , "McKenney, Ingrid" Subject: FW: You might be a Jedi Redneck... Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 10:30:37 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----_=_NextPart_001_01BE5E78.4D182BCE" *** EOOH *** From: "Allen, Amy" To: "'opus@mit.edu'" , Subject: FW: You might be a Jedi Redneck... Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 10:30:37 -0500 > > You might be a Jedi Redneck If . . . > > > > * You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." > > * Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. > > * You have ever used your light saber to open a bear bottle. > > * At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. > > * You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder. > > * You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. > > * You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. > > * You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to > > spit. > > * The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. > > * Wookies are offended by your B.O. > > * You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you > > didn't have to wait for a commercial. > > * You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. > > * Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the > > darkside...it'll be a hoot." > > * You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock > > thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. > > * You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder. > > > > > > * You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks > > like a little sissy in that vest. > > * You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. > > * You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in > > through the window. > > * Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt > > had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. > > * You ever fell in love with your sister. > > * You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as > > "them damn Yankees." > > * You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. > > * You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood > > deck. > > * You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during > > the cantina scene. > > * In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just "ain't right."  1, edited, forwarded,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA24493; Fri, 26 Feb 99 09:21:58 EST Received: from administrator.merchantsmgmt.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA05401; Fri, 26 Feb 99 09:21:43 EST Received: by NT with Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) id <106SQ2CP>; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 09:11:20 -0500 Message-Id: <919508F09879D211BC6800C0F0164FE401DFFC@NT> From: Cindy Major To: Withees , Dad , Robert , David , Julie , Erika , Kristy Poole , Kathy Friton Subject: FW: Joke of the Day Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 09:11:09 -0500 Return-Receipt-To: Cindy Major Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" *** EOOH *** From: Cindy Major To: David , Subject: FW: Joke of the Day Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 09:11:09 -0500 There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA24503; Fri, 26 Feb 99 09:21:59 EST Received: from administrator.merchantsmgmt.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA05411; Fri, 26 Feb 99 09:21:44 EST Received: by NT with Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) id <106SQ2CS>; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 09:20:50 -0500 Message-Id: <919508F09879D211BC6800C0F0164FE401DFFF@NT> From: Cindy Major To: Dad , Kathy Friton , Withees , Julie , Erika , David , Kristy Poole Subject: FW: Plane Trip Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 09:20:44 -0500 Return-Receipt-To: Cindy Major Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" *** EOOH *** From: Cindy Major To: Dad , Kathy Friton , Withees , Julie , Erika , David , Kristy Poole Subject: FW: Plane Trip Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 09:20:44 -0500 Return-Receipt-To: Cindy Major Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent airplane flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked Mr. Falwell if he too would like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, "Madam, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips!" Hearing that, the President handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize there was a choice. I'll have what he's having. --------- End forwarded message ----------  1, edited, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA05613; Fri, 26 Feb 99 12:26:57 EST Received: from mail11.digital.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA29538; Fri, 26 Feb 99 12:27:27 EST Received: from kamlia.zk3.dec.com (bgkamlia.zk3.dec.com [16.141.8.3]) by mail11.digital.com (8.9.2/8.9.2/WV2.0e) with SMTP id MAA01926 for ; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 12:27:40 -0500 (EST) Received: by kamlia.zk3.dec.com (5.65v4.0/1.1.8.2/05Mar96-0145PM) id AA31316; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 12:26:47 -0500 Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 12:26:47 -0500 From: David Jedlinsky USG Message-Id: <199902261726.AA31316@kamlia.zk3.dec.com> To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: [rls@dimins.com: most embarassing moments] *** EOOH *** Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 12:26:47 -0500 From: David Jedlinsky USG To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: most embarassing moments Most Embarrassing Moments The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine -------------------------------------------------------------- "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now', she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter" -Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again." -Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"  1, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA10630; Fri, 26 Feb 99 16:31:02 EST Received: from imo26.mx.aol.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA22039; Fri, 26 Feb 99 16:29:54 EST Received: from KurtK007@aol.com by imo26.mx.aol.com (IMOv18.1) id ECNNa00808; Fri, 26 Feb 1999 15:00:43 -0500 (EST) From: KurtK007@aol.com Message-Id: Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 15:00:43 EST To: aallen@welchs.com, rac@bu.edu, zdaniel@welchs.com, scott@hup.harvard.edu, jphealey@massed.net, opus@MIT.EDU, Clearschoo@aol.com, netnarnd@erols.com, rlance@gene.COM, toddlong@erols.com, k_mcclain@emerson.edu, sonya_p13@yahoo.com, ajr-asid@juno.com, DonnaRslr@aol.com, Lonnie@KCCON.COM, ellen.spear@infores.com, JSwe572203@aol.com, MADOGWHITE@aol.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Subject: Fwd: (no subject) Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="part0_920059244_boundary" X-Mailer: AOL 4.0 for Windows 95 sub 205 *** EOOH *** From: KurtK007@aol.com Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 15:00:43 EST To: aallen@welchs.com, rac@bu.edu, zdaniel@welchs.com, scott@hup.harvard.edu, jphealey@massed.net, opus@MIT.EDU, Clearschoo@aol.com, netnarnd@erols.com, rlance@gene.COM, toddlong@erols.com, k_mcclain@emerson.edu, sonya_p13@yahoo.com, ajr-asid@juno.com, DonnaRslr@aol.com, Lonnie@KCCON.COM, ellen.spear@infores.com, JSwe572203@aol.com, MADOGWHITE@aol.com Subject: Fwd: (no subject) SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth  1, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA24286; Thu, 4 Mar 99 13:09:17 EST Received: from [12.15.134.131] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA07398; Thu, 4 Mar 99 13:09:51 EST Received: by SRVEX10 with Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) id ; Thu, 4 Mar 1999 13:10:54 -0500 Message-Id: From: "Allen, Amy" To: "Heffernan, Christopher" , "McKenney, Ingrid" , "Carbonell, Jose" , "'acranford@gunnpartners.com'" , "'swatully@aol.com'" , "'aaron_thompson@afcc.com'" , "'toddlong@erols.com'" , "'scott@Hup.harvard.edu'" , "'mendes@aigfpc.com'" , "'rac@bu.edu'" , "'opus@mit.edu'" Subject: FW: An 80's Love Story (fwd) Date: Thu, 4 Mar 1999 13:10:51 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----_=_NextPart_001_01BE666A.57CD55D6" *** EOOH *** From: "Allen, Amy" To: Subject: FW: An 80's Love Story Date: Thu, 4 Mar 1999 13:10:51 -0500 * An 80's Love Story * I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper. He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car. So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - asta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ... no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life. I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, I heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf. Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks.  1, edited, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA26030; Mon, 15 Mar 99 13:49:02 EST Received: from relay1.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA07366; Mon, 15 Mar 99 13:49:40 EST Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay1.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10McPw-0002U9-00; Mon, 15 Mar 1999 13:48:48 -0500 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Mon, 15 Mar 1999 13:48:45 -0500 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Daddy , Dan J , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Breakstone , David Craven , David J , Eitan , Irv Hodgkin , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , Marisa Green , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , ScottB , sooz , stevemartin Subject: FW: Jewish Country-Western Tunes Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999 13:48:42 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Subject: FW: Jewish Country-Western Tunes Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999 13:48:42 -0500 Fifteen Best Jewish Country-Western Song Titles 1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)" 2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights" 3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? " 4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight" 5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament" 6. "Stand by Your Mensch" 7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes" 8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart" 9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt" 10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff" 11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'" 12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'" 13. "You Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town" 14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!" 15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"  1, forwarded, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA13561; Tue, 16 Mar 99 10:14:11 EST Received: from mail13.digital.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA11403; Tue, 16 Mar 99 10:14:49 EST Received: from kamlia.zk3.dec.com (kamlia.zk3.dec.com [16.141.96.3]) by mail13.digital.com (8.9.2/8.9.2/WV2.0e) with SMTP id KAA26335 for ; Tue, 16 Mar 1999 10:14:05 -0500 (EST) Received: by kamlia.zk3.dec.com (5.65v4.0/1.1.8.2/05Mar96-0145PM) id AA26795; Tue, 16 Mar 1999 10:14:05 -0500 Date: Tue, 16 Mar 1999 10:14:05 -0500 From: David Jedlinsky USG Message-Id: <199903161514.AA26795@kamlia.zk3.dec.com> To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: [vandyck@zk3.dec.com: [Fwd: Fwd: Nothing Like Golf]] *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 16 Mar 1999 10:14:05 -0500 From: David Jedlinsky USG To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Nothing Like Golf > The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from > > Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. > > "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants > > to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and > > ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." > > The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a > > golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a cardinal to represent > > me?" he asked. > > "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal replied. "But," he > > added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer > > who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; > > then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal > > representative. In addition to showing our spirit of > > cooperation, we'll also win the match." > > Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of > > course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after > > the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope > > of the result. > > "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said > > the golfer. > > Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. > > "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've > > played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was > > the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired > > from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate > > and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, > > my play was truly miraculous." > > "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. > > "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three > > strokes."  1, edited, forwarded,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA25439; Wed, 17 Mar 99 08:34:56 EST Received: from administrator.merchantsmgmt.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA08911; Wed, 17 Mar 99 08:34:52 EST Received: by NT with Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) id <106SQJSC>; Wed, 17 Mar 1999 08:41:00 -0500 Message-Id: <919508F09879D211BC6800C0F0164FE402CF76@NT> From: Cindy Major To: David , Dad , Robert , Erika , Julie , Withees , Andy Subject: Elements Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 08:40:58 -0500 Return-Receipt-To: Cindy Major Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" *** EOOH *** From: Cindy Major To: David Subject: Elements Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 08:40:58 -0500 CHEMISTRY ELEMENT LESSON Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: don't even go there Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: 180 # ( + or - 50#) Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KID (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralized by saturating with alcohol. Usage: Non known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.  1, edited,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA10884; Wed, 24 Mar 99 11:40:21 EST Received: from relay1.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA02149; Wed, 24 Mar 99 11:40:11 EST Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay1.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10Pqh0-0000ns-00; Wed, 24 Mar 1999 11:39:47 -0500 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Wed, 24 Mar 1999 11:39:43 -0500 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Daddy , Dan J , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , Irv Hodgkin , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , Marisa Green , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , "scott@work" , sooz , stevemartin , Annette Pacey , Chris Dickinson , Corrine Patane , Jane Chiodo , Katherine Christ-Janer , Kelly DiTullio , Kelly Flynn , Lori Rozmus , Mitchell Bell Subject: FW: Quips Date: Wed, 24 Mar 1999 11:39:42 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Subject: FW: Quips Date: Wed, 24 Mar 1999 11:39:42 -0500 Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. * Robin Williams Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. * Billy Crystal According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. * Jay Leno We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." * Elayne Boosler There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? * Jay Leno The post office says they've raised the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis. * Conan O'Brien Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. * Rita Rudner I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. * Zsa Zsa Gabor Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. * Lewis Grizzard The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. * Jeff Foxworthy  1, edited, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA00970; Wed, 10 Feb 99 09:27:43 EST Received: from [208.200.215.130] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA29228; Wed, 10 Feb 99 09:28:06 EST Received: from vbmim01.venable.com by [208.200.215.130] via smtpd (for PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU [18.69.0.28]) with SMTP; 10 Feb 1999 14:22:12 UT Received: from [172.29.28.3] (vbsmt02.venable.com) by vbmim01.venable.com (Content Technologies SMTPRS 2.0.15) with SMTP id ; Wed, 10 Feb 1999 09:22:36 -0500 Received: from vbsmt02.venable.com by [172.29.28.3] via smtpd (for vbmim01.venable.com [172.29.28.4]) with SMTP; 10 Feb 1999 14:26:45 UT Received: by vbsmt02.venable.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) id ; Wed, 10 Feb 1999 09:27:01 -0500 Message-Id: From: "Bagaria, William J., III" To: /Torcstan , "Cynthia J. Mallion" , "David C. Jedlinsky" , Deborah Hooker , Don Wiggins , Donna Hirsch , Drea Brandford , Gene Schwartzman , gryphonkit , Heidjer Staecker , Jason Gregory , Jay Kaplan , Jeff The Elf , Judith Bucolo , Kendra Rosenberg , Kirk Wagner , Linda Murray , Mike Galleher , Ralph Nelson , Rebecca Neumiller , Reen , Silvia Markulin , Todd Leatherman Subject: FW: Rules Guys wish Girls Knew (fwd) Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 09:26:50 -0500 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) *** EOOH *** From: "Bagaria, William J., III" To: "David C. Jedlinsky" Subject: Rules Guys wish Girls Knew (fwd) Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 09:26:50 -0500 Rules guys wish girls knew 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. 3. Don't cut your hair ever. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present,again. 5. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you, live with it. 7. Don't ask him what he is thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks. 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 9. Dogs are better than any cats, period. 10. Sundays = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 11. Shopping is not a sport. 12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 13. You have enough clothes. 14. You have too many shoes. 15. Crying is blackmail. Use it, but don't expect us to like it. 16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 17. No, he doesn't know what day it is, he never will, mark anniversaries down on a calendar. 18. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We are bound to miss sometimes. 19. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 20. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers. 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend. 23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 24. Check your oil. 25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. 26. Don't fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. 27. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one makes you sad or angry, we mean the other one. 30. Let us oggle. If we don't look at other women, how will we know how pretty you are? 31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 32. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done, not both. 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. 35. Consider golf as a mini-vacation. We need it and so do you. 36. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 37. Anyone can buy condoms.  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA09823; Thu, 11 Feb 99 08:25:20 EST Received: from smtp1.gte.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA19617; Thu, 11 Feb 99 08:25:44 EST Received: from gte.net (1Cust168.tnt3.new-orleans.la.da.uu.net [208.250.14.168]) by smtp1.gte.net with SMTP id HAA19512 for opus@mit.edu; Thu, 11 Feb 1999 07:25:13 -0600 (CST) Message-Id: <199902111325.HAA19512@smtp1.gte.net> Date: Thu, 11 Feb 99 07:22:14 Pacific Daylight Time From: David Withee To: "David C. Jedlinsky" Subject: FW: Dr Seuss Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mail-Agent: An Internet Client 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 11 Feb 99 07:22:14 Pacific Daylight Time From: David Withee To: "David C. Jedlinsky" Subject: FW: Dr Seuss Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mail-Agent: An Internet Client 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit >>"Mr. President" by Dr. Seuss >> >>>>>> >I did not do it in a car >>>>>> >I did not do it in a bar >>>>>> >I did not do it in the dark >>>>>> >I did not do it in the park >>>>>> >I did not do it on a date >>>>>> >I did not ever fornicate >>>>>> >I did not do it at a dance >>>>>> >I did not do it in her pants >>>>>> >I did not get beyond first base >>>>>> >I did not do it in her face >>>>>> >I never did it in a bed >>>>>> >If you think that, you've been misled >>>>>> >I did not do it with a groan >>>>>> >I did not do it on the phone >>>>>> >I did not cause her dress to stain >>>>>> >I never boinked Saddam Hussein >>>>>> >I did not do it with a whip >>>>>> >I never fondled Linda Tripp >>>>>> >I never acted really silly >>>>>> >With volunteers like Kathleen Willey >>>>>> >There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher >>>>>> >I chased her 'round, but could not catch her >>>>>> >No kinky stuff, not on your life >>>>>> >I wouldn't, even with my wife >>>>>> >And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes >>>>>> >Was paid for by my right-wing foes >>>>>> >And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers >>>>>> >Are just a bunch of party poopers >>>>>> >I did not ask my friends to lie >>>>>> >I did not hang them out to dry >>>>>> >I did not do it last November >>>>>> >But if I did, I don't remember >>>>>> >I did not do it in the hall >>>>>> >I could have, but I don't recall >>>>>> >I never did it in my study >>>>>> >I never did it with my dog, Buddy >>>>>> >I never did it to Sox, the cat >>>>>> >I might have-once-with Arafat >>>>>> >I never did it in a hurry >>>>>> >I never groped Ms. Betty Currie >>>>>> >There was no sex at Arlington >>>>>> >There was no sex on Air Force One >>>>>> >I might have copped a little feel >>>>>> >And then endeavored to conceal >>>>>> >But never did these things so lewd >>>>>> >At least, not ever in the nude >>>>>> >These things to which I have confessed >>>>>> >They do not count, if we stayed dressed >>>>>> >It never happened with cigar >>>>>> >I never dated Mrs. Starr >>>>>> >I did not know this little sin >>>>>> >Would be retold on CNN >>>>>> >I broke some rules my Mama taught me >>>>>> >I tried to hide, but now you've caught me >>>>>> >But I implore, I do beseech >>>>>> >Do not condemn, do not impeach >>>>>> >I might have got a little tail >>>>>> >But never, never did inhale. >> >> >  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA09910; Thu, 11 Feb 99 08:25:47 EST Received: from smtp1.gte.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA12157; Thu, 11 Feb 99 08:25:40 EST Received: from gte.net (1Cust168.tnt3.new-orleans.la.da.uu.net [208.250.14.168]) by smtp1.gte.net with SMTP id HAA24630 for opus@mit.edu; Thu, 11 Feb 1999 07:25:42 -0600 (CST) Message-Id: <199902111325.HAA24630@smtp1.gte.net> Date: Thu, 11 Feb 99 07:22:40 Pacific Daylight Time From: David Withee To: "David C. Jedlinsky" Subject: FW: World's Shortest Books Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mail-Agent: An Internet Client 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 11 Feb 99 07:22:40 Pacific Daylight Time From: David Withee To: "David C. Jedlinsky" Subject: FW: World's Shortest Books Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mail-Agent: An Internet Client 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit >>25 of the world's shortest books: >> >>25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS -- by O. J. Simpson >>24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION >>23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE -- by Ellen DeGeneres >>22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT >>21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA >>20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY -- by Dennis Rodman >>19. THE WILD YEARS -- by Al Gore >>18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN >>17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS >>16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS >>15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE >>14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB >>13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES >>12. EASY UNIX >>11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE >>10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN >> 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN >> 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY >> 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES >> 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER -- by Art Garfunkel >> 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE >> 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES -- by the EPA >> 3. SPELLING LESSONS - by Dan Quayle >> 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY >> >>And the Number one World's Shortest book: >> >> 1. MY BOOK OF VIRTUES - by Bill Clinton >> >> >  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA10042; Thu, 11 Feb 99 08:26:16 EST Received: from smtp1.gte.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA19818; Thu, 11 Feb 99 08:26:40 EST Received: from gte.net (1Cust168.tnt3.new-orleans.la.da.uu.net [208.250.14.168]) by smtp1.gte.net with SMTP id HAA16667 for opus@mit.edu; Thu, 11 Feb 1999 07:26:13 -0600 (CST) Message-Id: <199902111326.HAA16667@smtp1.gte.net> Date: Thu, 11 Feb 99 07:23:11 Pacific Daylight Time From: David Withee To: "David C. Jedlinsky" Subject: FW: Little Old Lady Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mail-Agent: An Internet Client 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 11 Feb 99 07:23:11 Pacific Daylight Time From: David Withee To: "David C. Jedlinsky" Subject: FW: Little Old Lady Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mail-Agent: An Internet Client 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > >>A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem >>with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell >>and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times >>since >>I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they >>didn't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see." "Take these pills >>and >>come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," >>she says "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although >>still silent, they stink terribly." "Good." the doctor said, "Now that we've >>cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." >> >  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA10148; Thu, 11 Feb 99 08:26:46 EST Received: from smtp1.gte.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA19914; Thu, 11 Feb 99 08:27:09 EST Received: from gte.net (1Cust168.tnt3.new-orleans.la.da.uu.net [208.250.14.168]) by smtp1.gte.net with SMTP id HAA19254 for opus@mit.edu; Thu, 11 Feb 1999 07:26:42 -0600 (CST) Message-Id: <199902111326.HAA19254@smtp1.gte.net> Date: Thu, 11 Feb 99 07:23:40 Pacific Daylight Time From: David Withee To: "David C. Jedlinsky" Subject: FW: Iraqi TV Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mail-Agent: An Internet Client 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 11 Feb 99 07:23:40 Pacific Daylight Time From: David Withee To: "David C. Jedlinsky" Subject: FW: Iraqi TV Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mail-Agent: An Internet Client 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > > > >>Subject: Iraqi TV >> >>Top Ten Iraqi TV Shows >> >>10. Husseinfeld >> >>9. Mad About Everything >> >>8. US military secrets revealed >> >>7. Suddenly Sanctions >> >>6. Allah McBeal >> >>5. Wheel of Fortune and Terror >> >>4. Achmed's Creek >> >>3. Iraq's wackiest public execution bloopers >> >>2. Buffy the slayer of Yankee imperialist dogs >> >> And the Number One Iraqi TV Show..... >> >>1. Just Shoot Me >> >  1, edited,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA12548; Mon, 5 Apr 99 10:44:41 EDT Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA02332; Mon, 5 Apr 99 10:44:23 EDT Received: from Saturn (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.7/8.8.3) with SMTP id KAA24066; Mon, 5 Apr 1999 10:44:30 -0400 (EDT) Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 10:44:30 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: <19990405144131.13513.qmail@hotmail.com> Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: deano84@hotmail.com Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "Dean Close" To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: holiday fun Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 10:44:30 -0400 (EDT) Reply-To: deano84@hotmail.com Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "Dean Close" To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: holiday fun Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum NELSON'S ILLUSTRATED TALES __________ | | | Chapter | | 38 | | | | IT'S ALL | \\\V/// | RELATIVE |// 6.6 \\ |__________|/\ = /\ Y _) - (_ 8---'` . . `\ |`---'\ . /\ \ | wwwww / / | WWWWWWW/` | |""Y""| | \ | / (Story by Alan Follett, | _| | |_ based on a character | (___|___) by Reginald Brattner) WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW In 1879, Ferdinand Feghoot reported to Benjamin Disraeli on the completion of a most delicate diplomatic mission. "Mr. Prime Minister," Feghoot said, "I am pleased to say that I have arranged a reconciliation between Mr. William S. Gilbert and Mr. Arthur Sullivan." "The Queen will be most pleased to hear this," Disraeli replied. "She so enjoyed 'H. M. S Pinafore' and was devastated when it appeared that the unfortunate personal animosity between the authors might prevent any further collaboration between them. But, pray, how did you bring them back together?" "It appeared to me," Feghoot replied, "that the greatest source of friction between them was Mr. Sullivan's distaste for some of the more fanciful elements in Mr. Gilbert's plot ideas. I therefore outlined for them a lighthearted yet fundamentally realistic historical plot on which they might both agree. "The setting is in colonial Philadelphia, some two centuries past. The colony's genial Quaker founder is nonplussed by the unexpected arrival ___ of his mother's (___) .---. two elderly, /` `\ (_---_) eccentric / /"\ \ (_/6 6\_) sisters,... \_/o o\_/ ( v ) ( _ ) `\ /' `\ /` .-'': ;``-. /\\V//\ / \,Y./ \ / /_ _\ \ / (:)___ \ \ \___/ / : .-'XXX`-.`\_; \/===\/ `.__.-XXX-.__.'\_ || || / / XXX \ \ `\_ || || / XXX \ `\ ||___|| / XXX \ _`\___ |_____| / \ (`--"""-') ||| / \ (=-=-=-=-) / Y \ `--...___ ___...--' (________) `"`"` ``` , /:\ ...who are enthusiasts >:< for a scheme to >:< uplift the Red >:< Indians by ,,,,,\:/ teaching them ######### English pastry //////\\\\\ baking. // /_\ /_\ \\ \( 0 _ 0 )/ /\\= _\ =//\ \\/\ --- /\// //\ '---' /\\ \// \\/ /\\ //\ \\/ \// # # " " "A cooperative of local chiefs agrees to take the two ladies off ^ his hands, seeing them, _ / \ if nothing else, as a || \\\V/// | | source of greater \\\V/// ||\ ####### | | variety for the tribes' ####### || \ // a.a \\ Y dessert menues. //6 , 6\\ || \ /\ = /\ | \ = / || \ `)-(` | _ .-:---:---'B3 \ /` `._.-B /`-.|_| \\\V/// / `@` ,--'|| | //|' '|---`| | I_) //6 6\\ ( <|' '| || | \\|_._| | \.-'| | // = \\ \ \__.__/ || | `##### | |_|___.-`~@~`-. `/<<<<<\ || / ##### | (_3----|, ,|\\ (>>>>>>>) || / | | | | | | \__.__/// `"|"|"|"` || / ( | ) | \_| /=[_]=\/ |_| | || / | | | | / / \ \ _(_| |_ ||/ .-' | '-. | \ \ / / (___|___) || `"""`"""` | (___\ /___) - "All seems to be going well, but the following week the senior chief returns \\\\\////// to Philadelphia in \\\\\\////// a panic! __________ [[[[[[[]]]]]]]] | | /////////\\\\\\ | HELP!!! | //// ~0 ( 0~ \\\\ |_________| //(, /_\ ,)\\ \\ // //|\ ,===. /|\\ "It transpires that the \\// *\ `===' /* ladies have, indeed, converted || \__.__/ multitudes of the Red Indians _.=||=._ .---'@ @'---. to the delights of English /| || |\ / '@ @' \ baking...BUT, in doing so, _||_ / . Y . _/\ they have introduced a schism / _))-' /|'---{@}---'|\_/\ into the tribe, ... | _) _.' | --:-- | \ \ \___)-' | --:-- | \ \ ... for each lady has proved to ,-"""-, be a monomaniacal / \__ \ adherent of but | / `\ | a single dessert: \( ^.^ )/ \ - / .-'|;---;|-. (\/ ||___|| `\ \\__/ \__| C|`----`|D __//| | | |====( | | | | _/_/___.---- .===| |====\ /===. | ('------') ( '----' ) | | | ... quince pie in the case of one sister, paw paw pie in the case of the other. _,..---..,_ _,..---..,_ ,-"` .'. `"-, ,-"` .'. `"_, (( '.Q.' )) (( '.P.' )) `'-.,_ ' _,.-'` `'-.,_ ' _,.-'` `\ `"""""` /` `\ `"""""` /` `""-----""` `""-----""` "Each refuses to bake any other dish, and their respective adherents, far from becoming jaded with this lack of variety, have come to tomahawk blows _ over the merits |_|.-'\ of the two pastries. (_I | | |'-./ | | | | | | |_/ "Well, I shall leave it to Mr. Gilbert's ingenuity to unravel the pretty little imbroglio I have outlined, but both he and Mr. Sullivan seem quite willing to bury their differences and undertake the task. "So, Mr. Prime Minister, you may inform Her Majesty that Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan's next work will be . . . `The Pie Riots of Penn's Aunts.'" WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ,^ ^. |"\''/"|.___..--'''"-._ ^ `6_ 6 .) `_. ( ).`-.__.`) ~(_Y_~)' ._ ) `._ `. ``-..-' _..`--'_..-_/ /--'_.' .' (i1).-'' ((i).' ((!.-' 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 | | | Pepper the Cat's Gilbert and Sullivan favorite (and you | | always wondered what cats did during their spare time): | | | | "A wandering minstrel I -- | | A thing of shreds and patches, | | Of ballads, songs and snatches, | | And dreamy lullaby!" | | ("The Mikado" [1885], Act I) | | | ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Barbara L. Nelson barnel@lava.net  1, forwarded, edited,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA03985; Wed, 7 Apr 99 07:20:23 EDT Received: from imo29.mx.aol.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA08150; Wed, 7 Apr 99 07:20:21 EDT Received: from KurtK007@aol.com by imo29.mx.aol.com (IMOv20.4) id oPWNa27422; Wed, 7 Apr 1999 07:19:38 -0400 (EDT) From: KurtK007@aol.com Message-Id: <377a9ce4.243c994a@aol.com> Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 07:19:38 EDT Subject: Fwd: Good for a laugh! To: rac@bu.edu, scott@hup.harvard.edu, cynthia_janeczko@manulife.com, opus@MIT.EDU, rls@dimins.com, netnarnd@erols.com, sonya_p13@yahoo.com, Lonnie@kccon.com, ajr-asid@juno.com, DonnaRslr@aol.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="part1_377a9ce4.243c994a_boundary" X-Mailer: AOL 4.0 for Windows 95 sub 214 Reply-To: KurtK007@aol.com *** EOOH *** From: KurtK007@aol.com Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 07:19:38 EDT Subject: Fwd: Good for a laugh! Steve was in a terrible accident at work. Oddly, however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. But, because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"  1, edited,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA21044; Fri, 9 Apr 99 16:27:36 EDT Received: from relay1.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA03969; Fri, 9 Apr 99 16:27:29 EDT Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay1.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10Vhqx-0004gS-00; Fri, 9 Apr 1999 16:26:15 -0400 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id <2T26LLAS>; Fri, 9 Apr 1999 16:26:14 -0400 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Chris Dickinson , Corrine Patane , Jane Chiodo , Katherine Christ-Janer , Kelly Flynn , Lori Rozmus , Mitchell Bell Cc: "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Daddy , Dan J , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , "scott@work" , sooz , stevemartin Subject: FW: Ahhhh Hell... Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 16:26:13 -0400 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" Subject: FW: Ahhhh Hell... Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 16:26:13 -0400 Subject: Chemistry? The following is an actual question on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities. 1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then: (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that hell is exothermic.  1, forwarded,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA29398; Fri, 16 Apr 99 11:52:22 EDT Received: from mail11.digital.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA18873; Fri, 16 Apr 99 11:52:13 EDT Received: from kamlia.zk3.dec.com (kamlia.zk3.dec.com [16.141.96.3]) by mail11.digital.com (8.9.2/8.9.2/WV2.0g) with SMTP id LAA20096 for ; Fri, 16 Apr 1999 11:54:12 -0400 (EDT) Received: by kamlia.zk3.dec.com (5.65v4.0/1.1.8.2/05Mar96-0145PM) id AA03354; Fri, 16 Apr 1999 11:52:03 -0400 Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 11:52:03 -0400 From: David Jedlinsky USG Message-Id: <199904161552.AA03354@kamlia.zk3.dec.com> To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Watson & Holmes *** EOOH *** Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 11:52:03 -0400 From: David Jedlinsky USG To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: Watson & Holmes Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" enquires Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Not bad, eh! So what does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."  1, edited, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA04747; Mon, 19 Apr 99 14:06:24 EDT Received: from relay5.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA04723; Mon, 19 Apr 99 14:06:22 EDT Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay5.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10ZIQx-0004pk-00; Mon, 19 Apr 1999 14:06:16 -0400 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id <2VT2LF7V>; Mon, 19 Apr 1999 14:06:10 -0400 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Chris Dickinson , Corrine Patane , Jane Chiodo , Katherine Christ-Janer , Kelly Flynn , Lori Rozmus , Mitchell Bell , "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Daddy , Dan J , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , Joe Bayes , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , "scott@work" , sooz , stevemartin Subject: FW: Taxes Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999 14:06:09 -0400 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" Subject: FW: Taxes Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999 14:06:09 -0400 There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter: Dear IRS: Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A satisfied taxpayer  1, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA11239; Tue, 20 Apr 99 09:57:17 EDT Received: from relay5.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA26578; Tue, 20 Apr 99 09:57:17 EDT Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay5.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10Zb1X-0004Yl-00; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 09:57:15 -0400 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id <2VT2L2FS>; Tue, 20 Apr 1999 09:57:11 -0400 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Chris Dickinson , Corrine Patane , Jane Chiodo , Katherine Christ-Janer , Kelly Flynn , Lori Rozmus , Mitchell Bell Cc: "'rm3m@mail.idt.net'" , "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Dan J , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , Joe Bayes , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , "scott@work" , sooz , stevemartin Subject: FW: Martha! Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 09:57:03 -0400 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" Subject: FW: Martha! Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 09:57:03 -0400 Martha Stewarts Tips for Rednecks: DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA14794; Thu, 22 Apr 99 12:13:34 EDT Received: from CHARON.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA16776; Thu, 22 Apr 99 12:13:31 EDT Received: (from opus@localhost) by charon.MIT.EDU (8.7.6/2.3JIK) id MAA07507; Thu, 22 Apr 1999 12:13:02 -0400 Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 12:13:02 -0400 Message-Id: <199904221613.MAA07507@charon.MIT.EDU> From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rls@dimins.com, cmajor@merchantsmgmt.com, dennisj@charter-ne.com, David.Withee@gte.net, rac@bu.edu, aallen@welchs.com, scott@hup.harvard.edu, Mendes@WESTPORT.MSMAIL.AIGFPC.COM Subject: Homer Theme song *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 12:13:02 -0400 From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: rls@dimins.com, cmajor@merchantsmgmt.com, dennisj@charter-ne.com, David.Withee@gte.net, rac@bu.edu, aallen@welchs.com, scott@hup.harvard.edu, Mendes@WESTPORT.MSMAIL.AIGFPC.COM Subject: Homer Theme song -(-(--_ / ( ( \ DO RE MI BEER, by Homer J. Simpson. | | | | | __ __) | / \/ \ DOUGH..the stuff..that buys me beer. /\/\ (o )o ) RAY....the guy that sells me beer... /c \__/ --. ME.....the guy...who drinks the beer, ( ) FAR....the distance to my beer \_ _-------' SO.....I think I'll have a beer... | / \ LA.....La la la la la la beer | | '\_______) TEA....no thanks, I'm drinking beer.. | \_____) That will bring us back to... |_____ | (Looks into an empty glass) |______/\ / \ D'OH! You have to sing it out loud to get the full effect!  1, edited,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA01545; Fri, 30 Apr 99 17:45:27 EDT Received: from relay2.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA18029; Fri, 30 Apr 99 17:45:22 EDT Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay2.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10dL5o-0006Js-00; Fri, 30 Apr 1999 17:45:08 -0400 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Fri, 30 Apr 1999 17:45:07 -0400 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Chris Dickinson , Corrine Patane , Jane Chiodo , Katherine Christ-Janer , Kelly Flynn , Lori Rozmus , Mitchell Bell Cc: "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Dan J , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , Joe Bayes , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , "scott@work" , sooz , stevemartin Subject: FW: [Fwd: js345@banet.net: Two Texans] Date: Fri, 30 Apr 1999 17:45:06 -0400 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" Subject: Two Texans Date: Fri, 30 Apr 1999 17:45:06 -0400 Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite watering hole when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady a few bar stools down turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo Burger too fast. The first Texan said to the other, "Think we otta help?" "Yep", said the second Texan. The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew speak?" She shook her NO. "Kin yew breathe?" he asked. She again shook her head NO. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief. The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever time!!."  1, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA25355; Wed, 5 May 99 10:02:01 EDT Received: from relay2.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA04384; Wed, 5 May 99 10:02:03 EDT Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay2.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10f2F7-0006ki-00; Wed, 5 May 1999 10:01:45 -0400 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Wed, 5 May 1999 10:01:42 -0400 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Chris Dickinson , Corrine Patane , Jane Chiodo , Katherine Christ-Janer , Kelly Flynn , Lori Rozmus , Mitchell Bell , "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Daddy , Dan J , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , Joe Bayes , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , "scott@work" , sooz , stevemartin Cc: "Westberg, Karl" , "Meltser, George" Subject: FW: In The Beginning Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 10:01:39 -0400 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" Subject: FW: In The Beginning Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 10:01:39 -0400 1. In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those He created the Word. 2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and He saw it was good. 3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And He created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. 4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware. 5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big. And He told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory. 6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. 7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT use Windows. 8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. 9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. 10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? 11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. 12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. 13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it. 14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmers that it was good. 15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!! 16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows and crawl on your belly. 17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help. 18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will will be brought forth in great pain, and have errors. and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. You will live by the sweat of your brow, and yea, though you program mightily, bugs will be your yield. 19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. 20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT 21. But then God found a small group who did not use Windows. Instead they ate of the Apple, and God said that was good. 22. And God told those of the Apple that to prove their superiority over the Windows they must endure generations of abuse and jealousy from those who use Windows. 23. And in the end those who ate of the Apple found that they were created in the image of God and didn't need legions of Technical Supporters, and were free of the Melissa Virus and were immune to the Y2K bug. 24. Thus did God bless those who ate of the Apple and called them the iMacs and removed their shackles of the DOS and allowed them to be productive and creative without worrying about Machine Crashes.  1, forwarded, edited,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA26661; Tue, 4 May 99 18:15:10 EDT Received: from relay2.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA22699; Tue, 4 May 99 18:15:05 EDT Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay2.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10enSx-0006Yz-00; Tue, 4 May 1999 18:15:03 -0400 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Tue, 4 May 1999 18:14:59 -0400 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Dan J , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , Joe Bayes , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , "scott@work" , sooz , stevemartin Cc: Chris Dickinson , Corrine Patane , Jane Chiodo , Katherine Christ-Janer , Kelly Flynn , Lori Rozmus , Mitchell Bell Subject: FW: So Now You Know... Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 18:14:58 -0400 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" Subject: FW: So Now You Know... Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 18:14:58 -0400 > How it happens: > In the beginning was the Plan. > And then came the Assumptions. > And the Assumptions were without form. > And the Plan was without substance. > And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. > > And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, > "This is crock of shit, and it stinks." > > And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, > "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." > > And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, > "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none > may abide by it." > > And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, > "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." > > And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, > "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." > > And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying > unto them, > "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." > > And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying > unto him, > "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the > company with very powerful effects." > > And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it > was good. And the Plan became Policy. > > > And, THIS, my friends, is how shit happens.  1, edited,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA12025; Sun, 16 May 99 08:10:05 EDT Received: from web136.yahoomail.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA25611; Sun, 16 May 99 08:09:53 EDT Message-Id: <19990516121303.4782.rocketmail@web601.yahoomail.com> Received: from [216.67.2.63] by web136.yahoomail.com; Sun, 16 May 1999 05:13:03 PDT Date: Sun, 16 May 1999 05:13:03 -0700 (PDT) From: Patricia McDonald Subject: Fwd: Fwd: Fw: Management joke To: David Owen , Catherine Poulin , "Bill Kelley, Jr. Will1733" , David John ZDwyer , Scott Gagnon , John and Joyce Harrahy , Janices Home , Jeanne JaRoussel , David Jedlinsky , Joey Lalmond1 , Jay Latulippe , ",Ann McDonald" , Peter James Bridges , Rebecca Consentino , Winnie and Bob Creed , Barbara Dougherty , Bob Dwyer , David Patrick Dwyer , Sarah Fachada , Maria Forger Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="0-719885386-926856783=:1974" *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 16 May 1999 05:13:03 -0700 (PDT) From: Patricia McDonald Subject: Management joke A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am. How did you know?" "Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am. But how did you know?" "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."  1, forwarded, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA13980; Wed, 19 May 99 15:03:05 EDT Received: from relay2.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA06326; Wed, 19 May 99 15:03:07 EDT Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay2.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10kBbi-0004gu-00; Wed, 19 May 1999 15:02:23 -0400 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Wed, 19 May 1999 15:01:57 -0400 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: "Bell, Mitchell" , "Chiodo, Jane" , "Christ-Janer, Katherine" , "Rozmus, Lori" , "Friedman, Kelly" Cc: "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Daddy , Dan J , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , Joe Bayes , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , "scott@work" , sooz , stevemartin Subject: FW: Jewish bestsellers... Date: Wed, 19 May 1999 15:01:56 -0400 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" Subject: FW: Jewish bestsellers... Date: Wed, 19 May 1999 15:01:56 -0400 A few current works of Jewish self-help, which, although perhaps not as well known as the Chicken Soup books, still merit consideration: "The Grandma of the Gifted Child": A guide to being so proud you could just burst. Includes techniques for effective kvelling and explains what to do when you're trumped by the grandson of another lady in your retirement community. "14,000 Things for Jews to be Happy About": In a quixotic attempt to improve the mood of his constitutionally worry-prone people, author Arnie Plotkin compiled this list of things for Jews to be happy about. The book, marketed through temple bookstores, was a commercial failure, but later achieved success under a new title: "14,000 Things That Could Go Wrong." "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Hebrew School": This frankly erotic work elaborates the author's premise that the skills he's valued most highly in life were first imparted to him on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons in a temple supply closet by a slightly zaftig Brandeis undergraduate named Faye Berkowitz. "The Oy of Sex": A Jewish companion volume to the well-known sex manual, this book offers lush illustrations of the probable expressions on your mother's face if she ever caught you doing any of the things depicted in those disgusting illustrations from "The Joy of Sex." (Particularly the ones on pages 94-95!) "The Seven Habits of Highly Sephardic People": This provocative book explores the benefits to general well-being that can be gained from eating legumes on Passover and speaking Ladino. "Women Who Run with the Wolfs": Sylvia Wolf and her daughter, Lisa, discuss their trials and tribulations in convincing the ladies of the local Hadassah chapter to sign up for a 5K charity run. "Life's Little Reconstructionist Book": 613 suggestions, observations, and commandments for Jews who don't believe in God. "The Stella Stein Prophecy": In the most recent book by the self-proclaimed "Nostradamus of Nostrand Ave.," Mrs. Stein uses her psychic powers to foretell the future of people who don't chew their food well, sit far enough away from the TV or check for ticks after playing in tall grass by the same author: "I'm Okay, You Look a Bit Pale").  1, edited, forwarded,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA17711; Thu, 3 Jun 99 12:58:26 EDT Received: from ipnh.mv.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA24285; Thu, 3 Jun 99 12:57:54 EDT Received: (from opus@localhost) by ipnh.mv.com (8.9.1/8.9.1) id MAA12167; Thu, 3 Jun 1999 12:57:48 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 12:57:48 -0400 (EDT) From: "David C. Jedlinsky" Message-Id: <199906031657.MAA12167@ipnh.mv.com> To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: [vorlon@sunspot.tiac.net: this is a hoot] *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 12:57:48 -0400 (EDT) From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: embrace the dark side -----Original Message----- From: cafeeley@vassar.edu [mailto:cafeeley@vassar.edu] Sent: Friday, May 28, 1999 3:24 PM Subject: Re: non - embrace the dark side Just want to set the record straight here.... I don't know who DjmMEATH is, but I'm the author of this. My name used to be in the body somewhere. If anyone finds it amusing enough to forward, I'd appreciate you attributing it to me instead. I'm glad to see it's getting around! I'm a Vassar student, and wrote this a few days before his actual address while procrastinating for exams. I hope you all enjoy it. Mr. Jones' actual address was infinitely cooler of course. I will carry his closing words to my grave. "And so on this most auspicious occaision, I want to give you one last piece of advice. No matter how many times you've heard it, or how sick you are of hearing it....May The Force be with you." I can now die happy, having heard James Earl Jones say The Six Words in person. It's a miracles I survived the small riot he started among the ecstatic members of the class of '99.... _______________ Caitlin Feeley Tarael/Winterheart "The Private" > Author: DjmMEATH@aol > > > James Earl Jones is Vassar College's Commencement speaker for this > year. What would Mr. Jones' address be like?... > > Everybody's Free (To Embrace The Dark Side) > > Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...embrace the > Dark Side. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, The Dark > Side would be it. The long-term benefits of The Dark Side have been > proved by the Dark Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has > no basis more reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests. > > I will dispense this advice now... > > Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh, never mind, you will > never understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the > Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find the Rebel Base. But > trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and > recall, in away you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, > and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of > burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine. > > Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as > effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real > troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your > twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at > 4 PM on some idle Tuesday. > > Do in one Death Star officer every day. > > Scheme. > > Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey > yours. > > Hate. > > Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side > of a barn. > > The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your > idiot son. > > Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your > bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me > how. > > Keep your old light saber, but change your costume slightly with every > sequel. > > Destroy. > > Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side. > The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for > their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know > still don't. > > Have plenty of minions. > > Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone. > > Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, > maybe he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark > Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe > she'll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder. > > Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate > yourself either. Your destiny is half chance. So is everybody else's. > > Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or > what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to > destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power. > > Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra. > > Listen to what the Emperor has forseen, even if you don't follow his > prophecies. > > Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And > vulnerable. > > Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be > your arch enemies. > > Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage > and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future. > > Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should > keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in > geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more > you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you. > > Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot. > > Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke. > > Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter. > > Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial > Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you > do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily > crushed, the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected > their Emperor. > > Respect your Emperor. > > Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in > to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when > he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light > Side and saving his sorry butt. > > Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful > than you could possibly imagine. > > Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply > it, or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing > it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it > off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for > more than its worth. > > But trust me on the Dark Side. > ------- End of forwarded message -------  1,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA15027; Mon, 14 Jun 99 11:45:23 EDT Received: from CHARON.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA14543; Mon, 14 Jun 99 11:44:52 EDT Received: (from opus@localhost) by charon.MIT.EDU (8.7.6/2.3JIK) id LAA25124; Mon, 14 Jun 1999 11:45:32 -0400 Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1999 11:45:32 -0400 Message-Id: <199906141545.LAA25124@charon.MIT.EDU> From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: The Blond And The Lottery *** EOOH *** Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1999 11:45:32 -0400 From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: The Blond And The Lottery A blond woman finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. She again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order. Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and she is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "At least meet me halfway on this -- buy a ticket."  1, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA17773; Tue, 9 Feb 99 10:33:40 EST Received: from charity.harvard.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA21783; Tue, 9 Feb 99 10:34:02 EST Received: from mail.welchs.com (mail.welchs.com [207.180.67.19]) by charity.harvard.net (8.8.7/8.8.7) with ESMTP id KAA13888; Tue, 9 Feb 1999 10:35:35 -0500 (EST) Received: by SRVEX10 with Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) id <1G85W0G6>; Tue, 9 Feb 1999 10:35:07 -0500 Message-Id: From: "Allen, Amy" To: "Daniel, Zoe" , "McKenney, Ingrid" , "Ortigoza, Traci" , "'rac@bu.edu'" , "'scott@hup.harvard.edu'" , "'opus@Mit.edu'" , "Heffernan, Christopher" Subject: FW: Making Babies Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 10:34:59 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2232.9) Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="----_=_NextPart_000_01BE5441.C563E6FE" *** EOOH *** From: "Allen, Amy" To: "'opus@Mit.edu'" Subject: FW: Making Babies Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 10:34:59 -0500 > The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy > father to start their family. On the day the proxy father > was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, > "I'm off. The man should be here soon". > Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby > photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. > "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've > come to...." > "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," > Mrs. Smith interrupted. > "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! > I've made a specialty of babies." > "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please > come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" > asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. > "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, > one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. > Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can > really spread out." > "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work > for Harry and me." > "Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one > every time. But if we try several different positions and > I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be > pleased with the results." > "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. > "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. > I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be > disappointed with that, I'm sure." > "Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed. > The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a > portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top > of a bus in midtown New York." > "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her > handkerchief. > "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when > you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." > The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. > "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs Smith. > "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park > to get the job done right. People were crowding around > four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." > "Four and five deep ?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in > amazement. > "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours > too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I > could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and > I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began > nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in." > Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed > on your, eh......equipment ?". > "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod > so that we can get to work." > "Tripod ??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. > "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too > big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. > "Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted !!"  1, forwarded, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA14238; Fri, 18 Jun 99 15:30:22 EDT Received: from [38.209.248.2] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA00402; Fri, 18 Jun 99 15:30:48 EDT Received: from SFT_PO-Message_Server by sftlaw.com with Novell_GroupWise; Fri, 18 Jun 1999 15:31:32 -0400 Message-Id: X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.5 Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 15:31:14 -0400 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: , , , Cc: "Bernice Williams" , "Beth Freedman, Esq." , "Deborah R. Scott" , "Jamie Toti" , "James M. Larkins " , "Karen Lorelli" , "Michelle Rodriquez" , "Valerie Johnson" Subject: URBAN LEGEND AUSTRALIAN STYLE Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline *** EOOH *** X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.5 Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 15:31:14 -0400 From: "Cynthia J. Mallion" To: Subject: URBAN LEGEND AUSTRALIAN STYLE AIR WARGAMES SIM (or, "some things are too silly *not* to pass on") This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division. So, the Aussies have been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position). Being good little programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively -- then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove *that* part of the infantry coding -- and Americans leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife. As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place.  1, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA04364; Wed, 23 Jun 99 10:34:39 EDT Received: from relay1.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA17215; Wed, 23 Jun 99 10:35:09 EDT Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay1.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10wo6X-0005GC-00; Wed, 23 Jun 1999 10:34:22 -0400 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Wed, 23 Jun 1999 10:34:17 -0400 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: "Chiodo, Jane" , "Bell, Mitchell" , "Patane, Corrine" Cc: "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Daddy , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , "Gideon Leventhall (E-mail)" , Joe Bayes , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , "scott@work" , Shefsky , sooz , stevemartin Subject: FW: Cute and funny Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 10:34:08 -0400 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" To: Subject: FW: Cute and funny Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 10:34:08 -0400 Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! " Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"  1, forwarded, edited,, Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA20969; Fri, 25 Jun 99 13:39:28 EDT Received: from relay1.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA21260; Fri, 25 Jun 99 13:38:44 EDT Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay1.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 10xZwT-0007Co-00; Fri, 25 Jun 1999 13:39:09 -0400 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Fri, 25 Jun 1999 13:39:07 -0400 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: "Chiodo, Jane" , "Christ-Janer, Katherine" , "Rozmus, Lori" , "Litwin, Jennifer" , "Patane, Corrine" Cc: "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Daddy , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , "Gideon Leventhall (E-mail)" , Joe Bayes , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , NEFF , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , "scott@work" , Shefsky , sooz , stevemartin Subject: FW: Scoring points with your girl Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 13:39:06 -0400 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" To: opus@mit.edu Subject: FW: Scoring points with your girl Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 13:39:06 -0400 In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system. Simple Duties: - You make the bed............................................+1 - You make the bed but forget to add the decorative pillows....0 - You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.................-1 - You leave the toilet seat up................................-5 - You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty............0 - When the toilet-paper roll is barren,you resort to Kleenex..-1 - When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom....................................................-2 - You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..........................+5 - But return with beer................-5 - You check out a suspicious noise at night....................0 - You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing............0 - You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.........+5 - You pummel it with a six iron..............................+10 - It's her father............................................-10 Social Engagements: - You stay by her side the entire party........................0 - You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy......................................-2 - Named Tiffany...............................................-4 - Tiffany is a dancer.........................................-6 - Tiffany has implants........................................-8 Her Birthday: - You take her out to dinner...................................0 - You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar........+1 - Okay, it is a sports bar....................................-2 - And it's all-you-can-eat night..............................-3 - It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...................-10 A Night Out With The Boys: - Go out with a pal...........................................-5 - And the pal is happily married..............................-4 - Or frighteningly single.....................................-7 - And he drives a Mustang....................................-10 - With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..............-15 A Night Out: - You take her to a movie.....................................+2 - You take her to a movie she likes...........................+4 - You take her to a movie you hate............................+6 - You take her to a movie you like............................-2 - It's called DeathCop........................................-3 - Which features cyborgs having sex...........................-9 - You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans......-15 Your Physique: - You develop a noticeable potbelly..........................-15 - You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it......................................................+10 - You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..................................-30 - You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800 The Big Question: - She asks, "Do I look fat?"..................................-5 - You hesitate in responding................................-100 - You reply,"Where?"........................................-350 Communication: - When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression............0 - When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5 - You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV.+10 - She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..........-20  1, edited,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA19227; Tue, 27 Jul 99 14:16:19 EDT Received: from relay5.smtp.psi.net by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA24297; Tue, 27 Jul 99 14:16:19 EDT Received: from [38.167.146.2] (helo=wpexsrv.aigfpc.com) by relay5.smtp.psi.net with esmtp (Exim 1.90 #1) id 119Blp-0005d8-00; Tue, 27 Jul 1999 14:16:09 -0400 Received: by smtp.aigfpc.com with Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) id ; Tue, 27 Jul 1999 14:15:50 -0400 Message-Id: From: "Mendes, Rica" To: "Adina @ Work" , Amy Allen , Daddy , "David Bishop (E-mail)" , David Craven , David J , Eitan , "Gideon Leventhall (E-mail)" , Joe Bayes , Kati Roberts , Lavina , Lelia , Lisa Blocher , "Phil @ Home" , Rebecca C , "scott@work" , Shefsky , sooz , stevemartin Cc: "Chiodo, Jane" , "Christ-Janer, Katherine" , 'Marc Shepherd' , 'Cathlin Davis' , 'Carol Davis' , 'Elizabeth Evans & Peter Emery' , 'Everett Doner' , 'J Derrick McClure' , 'Leta Hall' , 'kravetz' , 'moshe' , 'Paul' , 'Shawn Charton' , 'sam silvers' Subject: MUSIC JOKE - SO FUNNY! Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 14:15:49 -0400 Mime-Version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.1960.3) Content-Type: text/plain *** EOOH *** From: "Mendes, Rica" Subject: MUSIC JOKE - SO FUNNY! Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 14:15:49 -0400 > A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. > He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his > performance simply didn't improve. > > Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician > just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given > help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, > and make him a drummer." > > A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if > he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and > make him a conductor."  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA23558; Tue, 3 Aug 99 14:03:24 EDT Received: from BUZZWORD-BINGO.MIT.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA03846; Tue, 3 Aug 99 14:03:31 EDT Received: by buzzword-bingo.mit.edu (8.8.7/4.7) id OAA18230; Tue, 3 Aug 1999 14:03:22 -0400 (EDT) Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 14:03:22 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: <199908031803.OAA18230@buzzword-bingo.mit.edu> From: Nancy Louise Bigler Gilman To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: [mtthai@MIT.EDU: [fwd][humor][geek] If OS folks ran the airlines...] *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 14:03:22 -0400 (EDT) From: Nancy Louise Bigler Gilman To: dinner@MIT.EDU Subject: [mtthai@MIT.EDU: [fwd][humor][geek] If OS folks ran the airlines...] Most of you have probably seen this but I thought that those of you who had not would be amused.... Cheers! Nancy ------- Start of forwarded message ------- To: lmf-humor@MIT.EDU Subject: [fwd][humor][geek] If OS folks ran the airlines... Date: Tue, 03 Aug 1999 11:23:44 EDT From: "Minh T. Thai" IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES - Submitted by J. Hovind _______________________________________ UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?" - ------- End of Forwarded Message ------- End of forwarded message -------  1,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA01506; Sun, 13 Feb 00 13:22:28 EST Received: from ipnh.mv.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA01257; Sun, 13 Feb 00 13:23:40 EST Received: (from opus@localhost) by ipnh.mv.com (8.9.1/8.9.1) id NAA08866; Sun, 13 Feb 2000 13:22:03 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 13 Feb 2000 13:22:03 -0500 (EST) From: "David C. Jedlinsky" Message-Id: <200002131822.NAA08866@ipnh.mv.com> To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: [wcoxe1@lsu.edu: A Mississippi Valentine] *** EOOH *** Date: Sun, 13 Feb 2000 13:22:03 -0500 (EST) From: "David C. Jedlinsky" To: opus@MIT.EDU Subject: [wcoxe1@lsu.edu: A Mississippi Valentine] Return-Path: From: wcoxe1@lsu.edu To: dv-l@dvcentral.org Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 12:56:50 -0600 Subject: A Mississippi Valentine Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Disposition: inline Reply-To: DV-L@dvcentral.org Precedence: bulk Collards is green my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as snuff right out of the can. You have som'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!! ------(cut off when replying)------------------------------- All about DV-L: http://www.DVCentral.org/thelist.html --------------------------------------------------------------  1, forwarded,, Summary-line: 19-Jan The Shadows of the Night #Re: Fw: Humour Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA25933; Tue, 19 Jan 99 23:10:29 EST Received: from camel8.mindspring.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA01208; Tue, 19 Jan 99 23:10:39 EST Received: from pcian (user-37kb7m7.dialup.mindspring.com [207.69.158.199]) by camel8.mindspring.com (8.8.5/8.8.5) with SMTP id XAA13007; Tue, 19 Jan 1999 23:08:20 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <3.0.6.32.19990119224614.007ba440@pop.mindspring.com> X-Sender: elkor@pop.mindspring.com X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Light Version 3.0.6 (32) Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 22:46:14 -0500 To: Donna Hirsch , Maureen Kaplan , Linnea Ruad , kwagner@aec.umd.edu, Rebecca L Neumiller , Donna Hirsch , Linnea Ruad From: The Shadows of the Night Subject: Re: Fw: Humour Cc: natter@pressroom.com, buubala@yahoo.com, cj@sftlaw.com, deb@pobox.com, Donna Hirsch , dpolicar@kenan.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, elf@andor.org, hstaecker@yahoo.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, krosenberg@rsis.com, kwagner@aec.umd.edu, lmurray@wilmer.com, magorn@yahoo.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, mylady@purpleunicorn.com, noblessa@yahoo.com, opus@MIT.EDU, wjbagaria@venable.com, wolverinemjp@hotmail.com In-Reply-To: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" *** EOOH *** X-Sender: elkor@pop.mindspring.com X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Light Version 3.0.6 (32) Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 22:46:14 -0500 To: Donna Hirsch , Maureen Kaplan , Linnea Ruad , kwagner@aec.umd.edu, Rebecca L Neumiller , Donna Hirsch , Linnea Ruad From: The Shadows of the Night Subject: Re: Fw: Humour Cc: natter@pressroom.com, buubala@yahoo.com, cj@sftlaw.com, deb@pobox.com, Donna Hirsch , dpolicar@kenan.com, dbrandford@kenan.com, elf@andor.org, hstaecker@yahoo.com, judith.bucolo@ferc.fed.us, krosenberg@rsis.com, kwagner@aec.umd.edu, lmurray@wilmer.com, magorn@yahoo.com, mgsgjjg@erols.com, mylady@purpleunicorn.com, noblessa@yahoo.com, opus@MIT.EDU, wjbagaria@venable.com, wolverinemjp@hotmail.com In-Reply-To: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Tips for Northerners moving South 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. 2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right. 3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 5. Don't be surprised to find video rentals and bait in the same store. 6. Do not buy food at the video rental store. 7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 8. Remember: "ya'll" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 9. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent. 10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 11. People walk slower here. 12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. 13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol' ", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new, southern-influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. 14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 15. Be advised: The "He needed killin' " defense is valid here. 16. If attending a funeral in the South.... remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. 17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. 18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they often ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. 19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. 20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November. 21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do. 22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, there fore, be displayed. 23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. 24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. 25. In Southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud, and Honor." You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy". 26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph speed zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. 27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.  1, edited, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA10127; Thu, 27 Apr 00 14:07:16 EDT Received: from Luna.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA26294; Thu, 27 Apr 00 14:09:13 EDT Received: from Luna (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Luna.bridgewater.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3) with SMTP id OAA09303; Thu, 27 Apr 2000 14:06:57 -0400 (EDT) Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 14:06:57 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: Pjag743@cs.com Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Pjag743@cs.com To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Fwd: (no subject) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="part1_ea.48a6bcf.2639da87_boundary" X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: CompuServe 2000 32-bit sub 103 *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 14:06:57 -0400 (EDT) From: Pjag743@cs.com To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Joke From: Mysterytrain1@cs.com Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2000 02:39:51 EDT To: Pjag743@cs.com A wife has a problem with her husband, and she goes to her doctor to get this problem solved, Wife: "Doctor, my husband has this problem...I think he might be impotent ! Maybe he's just lost interest in me and I need help ! " Doctor: "It is a commom problem, don't worry......give him one of these little pills after dinner with his coffee, and let me know what happens " So that evening, she slipped him a pill in his coffee. Within 10 minutes, he RIPPED all her clothes off, with one fell swoop, CLEARED the table, breaking dishes and sending everything flying, threw her on the table and made mad passionate love to her for 2 hours... The next day, she went back to the doctor. When the doctor asked her how it went, she said "Doc....it was wonderful...I did what you said and he ripped off my clothes, sending everything flying, and breaking dishes and glasses, threw me on the table and made MAD PASSIONATE LOVE to me for about two hours !!! " The doctor said "That's great...glad to hear it...so sorry about the broken dishes and stuff" She said "Don't worry about it...we'll never go back to that cafe anyhow!"  1, forwarded,, Received: from PACIFIC-CARRIER-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA21381; Thu, 15 Jun 00 14:37:33 EDT Received: from [38.208.66.4] by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA12866; Thu, 15 Jun 00 14:37:24 EDT Received: from SEMBLER_DOM-Message_Server by 38.208.66.4 with Novell_GroupWise; Thu, 15 Jun 2000 14:37:29 -0400 Message-Id: X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.5.3 Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 14:37:23 -0400 From: "Cindy Major" To: , , , , Subject: Human Resources Policy- hee hee Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline *** EOOH *** X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.5.3 Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 14:37:23 -0400 From: "Cindy Major" To: , , , , Subject: Human Resources Policy- hee hee Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline To: All Employees From: Senior Human Resources Officer Date: May 16, 2000 Re: New Policy I am pleased to announce that, effective today, the following should be implemented SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence. YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement. REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paperroll will retract, and the stall door will open. PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $2.22 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $3.46 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Reassurance $0.11 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Unreliability $10.99 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Sundry $12.09 Various $8.01 Net Take Home Pay $0.02 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.  1, forwarded,, Received: from FORT-POINT-STATION.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA04587; Fri, 16 Jun 00 15:33:14 EDT Received: from 38.208.66.4 (c2smtp.sembler.com [38.208.66.4] (may be forged)) by fort-point-station.mit.edu (8.9.2/8.9.2) with SMTP id PAA29746 for ; Fri, 16 Jun 2000 15:32:49 -0400 (EDT) Received: from SEMBLER_DOM-Message_Server by 38.208.66.4 with Novell_GroupWise; Fri, 16 Jun 2000 15:33:07 -0400 Message-Id: X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.5.3 Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 15:32:40 -0400 From: "Cindy Major" To: , , , , , Subject: New Computer Virus "Honor System" Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline *** EOOH *** X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.5.3 Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 15:32:40 -0400 From: "Cindy Major" To: , , , , , Subject: New Computer Virus "Honor System" Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline This virus works on the honor system: Please delete a bunch of your files at random, then forward this message = to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation.  1, edited,, X-Coding-System: undecided-unix Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA11439; Wed, 27 Sep 00 09:05:08 EDT Received: from sembler.com by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA29917; Wed, 27 Sep 00 09:03:52 EDT Received: from SEMBLER_DOM-Message_Server by 38.208.66.4 with Novell_GroupWise; Wed, 27 Sep 2000 09:06:47 -0400 Message-Id: X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.5.3 Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 09:06:12 -0400 From: "CINDY MAJOR" To: , , , , , , Subject: You know you're white trash if... Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Disposition: inline *** EOOH *** Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 09:06:12 -0400 From: "CINDY MAJOR" To: , , , , , , Subject: You know you're white trash if... Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Disposition: inline 1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. 2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. Jack Daniel makes your list of "Most Admired People." 6. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. 7. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 8. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all, watch this." 9. Your Junior/Senior Prom had daycare. 10.You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen,start your engines." 11.You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12.You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. 13.The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. 14.You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. 15.One of your kids was born on a pool table. 16.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 17.Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. 18.You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. 19.You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. 20.Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." 21.Your toilet paper has page numbers on it  1, forwarded,, X-Coding-System: undecided-unix Return-Path: Received: from fort-point-station.mit.edu by po9.mit.edu (8.9.2/4.7) id VAA00738; Tue, 7 Nov 2000 21:14:17 -0500 (EST) Received: from Luna.bridgewater.edu (Luna.Bridgewater.EDU [147.138.10.60]) by fort-point-station.mit.edu (8.9.2/8.9.2) with ESMTP id VAA17617 for ; Tue, 7 Nov 2000 21:14:44 -0500 (EST) Received: from Luna (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Luna.bridgewater.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3) with SMTP id VAA15332; Tue, 7 Nov 2000 21:12:58 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 7 Nov 2000 21:12:58 -0500 (EST) Message-Id: <48.d358688.273a0e69@aol.com> Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: Nonoiy@aol.com Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Nonoiy@aol.com To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Circle Flies MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: Windows AOL sub 125 *** EOOH *** Date: Tue, 7 Nov 2000 21:12:58 -0500 (EST) Reply-To: Nonoiy@aol.com Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: Nonoiy@aol.com To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Circle Flies Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII" X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are - I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."  1, edited,, X-Coding-System: undecided-unix Return-Path: Received: from fort-point-station.mit.edu by po9.mit.edu (8.9.2/4.7) id OAA03547; Thu, 9 Nov 2000 14:37:44 -0500 (EST) Received: from zmamail02.zma.compaq.com (zmamail02.zma.compaq.com [161.114.64.102]) by fort-point-station.mit.edu (8.9.2/8.9.2) with ESMTP id OAA02194 for ; Thu, 9 Nov 2000 14:38:21 -0500 (EST) Received: by zmamail02.zma.compaq.com (Postfix, from userid 12345) id 37E1B5145; Thu, 9 Nov 2000 14:37:51 -0500 (EST) Received: from oflume.zk3.dec.com (oflume.zk3.dec.com [16.140.112.3]) by zmamail02.zma.compaq.com (Postfix) with ESMTP id 187154FFC for ; Thu, 9 Nov 2000 14:37:51 -0500 (EST) Received: by oflume.zk3.dec.com (8.8.8/1.1.22.3/03Mar00-0551AM) id OAA0000014019; Thu, 9 Nov 2000 14:37:50 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 9 Nov 2000 14:37:50 -0500 (EST) From: David Jedlinsky USG Message-Id: <200011091937.OAA0000014019@oflume.zk3.dec.com> To: opus@mit.edu Subject: [joeg@oflume.zk3.dec.com: Blame Florida!] *** EOOH *** Date: Thu, 9 Nov 2000 14:37:50 -0500 (EST) From: David Jedlinsky USG To: opus@mit.edu Subject: [joeg@oflume.zk3.dec.com: Blame Florida!] (leaving forwards on for credit) - ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 08 Nov 2000 14:19:58 -0800 From: Recollection Books Subject: Blame Florida! To the melody of "Blame Canada" from the South Park movie: BLAME FLORIDA by The Plaid Adder PETER JENNINGS: It's Wednesday now The whole thing should be done And yet there's still a chance that either of them could have won! COKIE: Should we blame the candidates? SAM: Or society? STEPHANOPOLOUS: Or the media who projected wrong on TV? PETER JENNINGS: No! Blame Florida! Blame Florida! With their beady eyes and flapping heads And their crooked governor Jeb Blame Florida! Blame Florida! We must launch a full assault Cause it's Florida's fault. RALPH NADER: Don't blame me That it's so close When Dubya's got the I.Q. of a leaky garden hose Is it our fault That our country hates the poor, Or that Al Gore is a smarmy corporate whore? GREENS: No! Blame Florida! Blame Florida! It seems everything was great Till it became the linchpin state Blame Florida! Blame Florida! FLORIDA LIBERAL: I was thinking of relocating anyway. THE VOTERS: We could have had a Bradley or a McCain brave and true, Instead you gave us Al Gore and this asshole double-u, Should we blame the parties? Should we blame the Dems? Or the sodding electorial college system? No! Blame Florida! Blame Florida! With their Elian hullabaloo And those crazy old folks too Blame Florida! Blame Florida! The count must be done, The race must be run, The votes must be in, And George must not win, We must complain and make a scene Before somebody thinks to blame the Greens! (forwarded from:) - -- Recollection Used Books 8572 Greenwood North Seattle Wa 98103 phone: (206) 783-1686 email: recall@eskimo.com  1,, Summary-line: 24-Oct selene.isis@bigpond.com #Sound familiar Received: from SOUTH-STATION-ANNEX.MIT.EDU by po9.MIT.EDU (5.61/4.7) id AA04191; Sat, 24 Oct 98 18:28:10 EDT Received: from Saturn.Bridgewater.EDU by MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA27224; Sat, 24 Oct 98 18:28:04 EDT Received: from Saturn (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by Saturn.Bridgewater.Edu (8.8.7/8.8.3) with SMTP id SAA28293; Sat, 24 Oct 1998 18:28:01 -0400 (EDT) Date: Sat, 24 Oct 1998 18:28:01 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: <000001bdff9b$5a56e5a0$205d868b@selene.isis> Errors-To: savoynet-owner@bridgewater.edu Reply-To: selene.isis@bigpond.com Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "*" To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Sound familiar Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.72.2106.4 *** EOOH *** Date: Sat, 24 Oct 1998 18:28:01 -0400 (EDT) Reply-To: selene.isis@bigpond.com Originator: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Sender: savoynet@bridgewater.edu Precedence: bulk From: "*" To: Multiple recipients of list SAVOYNET Subject: Sound familiar Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0d -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Gilbert and Sullivan Forum X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 4.72.2106.4 Things that are just NEVER said in Theatre: BY THE STAGE MANAGER: ... It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal. ... Take your time getting back from break ... We've been ready for hours. ... No, I called that perfectly the first time - let's move on ... The headsets are working perfectly. ... The cue lights are working perfectly. ... The orchestra has no complaints. ... The whole company is standing by whenever you want them. ... That didn't take long. ... No thanks, I don't drink. BY THE PRODUCER: ... Of course there's enough money to go around. ... We have money left over. ... No thanks, I don't drink. BY THE DIRECTOR: ... Wow, the designers were right on, weren't they? ... No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later. ... I think the scene changes are too fast. ... Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening. ... The crew? Why they're just wonderful! ... No thanks, I don't drink. BY THE DESIGNERS: ... Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time. ... Yes, it absolutely is my fault that the set looks awful. ... You know, you might have a point there. ... The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wants. ... We have too many gel colors in stock, I can't choose. ... Of course the shop will have the costumes ready on time. ... No thanks, I don't drink. BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: ... This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen. ... We built it right the first time. ... No problem, I'll deal with that right away. ... I love designers. ... No thanks, I don't drink. BY THE ACTOR: ... Don't... Let's not talk about me. ... I really think my big scene should be cut. ... This costume is SO comfortable. ... I love my shoes. ... No problem. I can do that for myself. ... I have a fantastic agent. ... Let me stand down here with my back to the audience. ... I'm sure someone told me there was a wall here, I just forgot. ... Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them. ... No thanks, I don't drink. BY THE STAGE CREW: ... That instrument is not in the way. ... There's room for that over here. ... We'll get in early tomorrow to do it. ... No, no. I'm sure that is our job. ... Anything I can do to help? ... All the tools are carefully locked away. ... Can we do that scene change again please? ... It's a marvelous show. ... I don't need this many on the crew. ... No thanks, I don't drink.