There once was a man from Saint Louis,
Who thought that SPAM was superfluous.
'Twas rejected by gals
And all of his pals
Even prostitutes wouldn't say, "Do us!"
There once was a woman named Barbara,
Who ate SPAM crouching on candelabra.
She also was queer,
And she made a career
Appearing on Lake and Rolanda!
There once was a desolate ham,
Whose existence was only a sham.
One day to his muck,
Came a slaughterhouse truck.
The rest can be read on canned SPAM.
There once was a pig of Orsay,
That smelled an unusual way.
It was sort of like ham,
But more likely 'twas SPAM,
By its fat-laden feel and bouquet.
In trying indelicate meats,
From alleys and rivers, to streets,
I've found with alarm
That I can't come to harm,
While munching SPAM in between treats.
There once was a man of St. Jude,
Who tried to cook SPAM in the nude.
He cooked it too long,
And unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
There once was a woman named Rose
Who used SPAM for painting her toes.
She liked the effect
But her love life was wrecked:
Her tootsies offended the nose.
There once was a guy from Japan
Who fell in love with a blue can.
He started to use
The Web for his haikus
And attracted many a fan.
A Domino's owner named Hughes
Was known for unorthodox views.
SPAM topping, he guessed,
Would be one of the best,
'Til a customer barfed on his shoes.
There once was a girl from Decatur
Who'd screw anybody who paid her.
One guy, short of bread,
Offered SPAM loaf instead.
She promptly replied, "See ya later!"
A frugal pet owner named Matt
Fed SPAM to his dog and his cat.
He turned up next day
With his head ripped away
And inserted in where he once sat.
A young man they called Aloysius
Thought that SPAM was completely delicious.
(In the previous lines
An incredible lie
Proves this poem to be meretricious.)
There once was a can full of mayhem,
With chunks of white grease and some cat phlegm.
But try as you might
To cut SPAM slices right,
It is often much harder to chew them.
My taco is chock full of lunchmeat,
With hog ears and nostrils and cow's feet.
But for SPAM all alone.
With its gristle and bone,
It's more my idea of a dog treat.
There once was a man named Ross
Who put SPAM on dental floss
Now he's a rich millionaire
Who has big ears and flair
And he wants to be the nation's boss
There once was a little lamb
Who liked to eat lots of jam.
He was not a dork,
He combined the jam with spare pork,
And then he came up with SPAM!!!!
An impotent fellow named Pete
Was cursed with recalcitrant meat.
He said, "That's the breaks.
Other guys have tube steaks;
I have to get by with tube Treet."
For breakfast I'd rather have toad sweat
Or pickled remains of some housepet
Than pull out a can
Of leftover SPAM
And wind up bent over the toilet.
While dining on roadkill and rabbits,
And scraping off wandering maggots,
The man from Down Under
Said, "SPAM makes me chunder;
It shrivels the hair in my armpits."
There was once a young lady of Rome,
Who lived in an old catacomb.
When the ghouls came to prey,
She'd keep them at bay
With an offer of SPAM in her home.
There was a nice nun of New York,
Inordinately fond of fat pork,
Which she'd serve up with SPAM
And strawberry jam
At the end of a sermon or talk.
Once a Viking from old Copenhagen
Gave up schnapps and went on the wagon,
Slew no more Jews, Gentiles, Aryans,
Carnivores, or Vegetarians,
And fed all his SPAM to a dragon.
A bold Spamateer from France
Attended a Royal Performance.
He danced with the Queen
Which was deemed quite obscene
As he'd fogotten to wear any pants.
"Observe this pink SPAM," said John Cho,
"Which, though apparently solid, can flow,
Especially when old,
Into a flexible mold,
An experiment I'd rather forego."
An ignorant fat glutton from Cork
Was unable to tell mutton from pork.
Yet he'd recognize SPAM
As being quite unlike ham
Or anything else that could walk.
An old lady from far Guadeloupe
Complained there was SPAM in her soup.
"Whadya want," said the waiter
"Some more alligator
Or more fresh hippopotamus poop?"
A cowardly young pig from Gibralter,
When asked to meet Hormel, did falter.
"Now you've got to be brave.
Just think how they'll rave
When they taste you as "SPAM a Gibralter."
A maiden from Cygnus b5
Ate some SPAM while still whole and alive.
"Oh dear," she exclaimed,
"I feel really maimed.
I don't think I'm going to survive."
Take this piggy to old Tennessee.
Show him all the fine sights he can see.
When he's had quite enough,
If he's tender, not tough,
Can him quick but don't give him to me.
A compulsive young maniac called Pete
Was obsessed with maltreating his feet.
He'd plunge them in SPAMs
Till they looked like two hams,
Then dance all the way down his street.
A fair damsel who lived on the Nile
Was refreshingly sweet and nubile.
She constructed a dam
From old tins of SPAM,
Which kept off keen suiters a while.
Amateurs from the Federal Bureaus
Kept some SPAMs in their old portmanteaus
To wear as disguise
When telling white lies
Or stamping bad guys on their toes.
An ingenious inventor from Singapore
Used to signal his relations by spamaphore.
He'd light up the night
With bright pinkish light
And be seen far away by his in-laws.
A finicky Finn from Helsinki
Complained that his skin wasn't pinky,
So he went on the lam
With a large tin of SPAM.
Now he's pink as a skink but quite stinky.
A rebellious young bride from Brazil
Refused to swallow the pill,
Unless smothered in SPAM
Or chopped shoulder ham,
After which she always got ill.
A devious young con from Madras
Pursued a rich miser for brass.
He sent him some SPAM
As a token salaam,
And got thrown right out on his ass.
"Good Lord!" said the sanitary man.
"There's a SPAM in the lavatory pan.
Someone's thrown it in there
In a fit of despair,
After opening the little blue can."
When I first went to Dublin's fair city,
Bearing shamrocks and bottles of whisky,
They put SPAM in my shoes,
And more in my booze,
Till I floated upside-down on the Liffey.
"Now hand me that SPAM," said the King,
"I think that I'll just have a fling."
With a dexterous shy
He squashed a gadfly,
Which happened to be cleaning its wing.
"The other SPAM, please," said the Prince.
"That King's antics sure do make me wince."
And he hit the fat King
On his wing-a-ding-ding,
So the old man had to give it a rinse.
Queen Titania said to King Oberon,
"I can't get this blasted pullover on.
It's getting too tight,
Though I strive as I might,
It's that Spamfat that's put all the blubber on."
I once knew a rabbit called Fred
Who understood every word that I said.
If I offered him SPAM
He'd shout, "Oh, hell, damn!
More of that and I'll jump on your head."
"Now, hear this y'all," said the President.
"We'll exclude all talk that is dissident.
We'll smoke out Republicans,
Fanatics, and Spamlicans,
Then seal up the leaks in the residence."
There was a pork butcher named Hormel
Who fed his fat family their morsel;
But a surfeit of SPAM
Blew up him and his Mam
Till they floated far up from the table.
I just dined in downtown Manhattan
On a filet de SPAM, served au gratin
Which the maitre d' swore
Had drifted to shore
From a boat from the isle they call Staten.
SPAM curry, as served in New Delhi
Is known to put fire in your belly.
But the head of the class
Is the one from Madras
Which'll turn your intestines to jelly.
Except on those days when it rains,
We actors stroll hedgerows and lanes
Till, sat on a hillock, we
Declaim the soliloquy
Of Spamlet, the Prince of the Danes.
Cold SPAM, served with couscous and dates,
Is a no-no in all Arab states,
All because of some talk
That it DOES contain pork,
As the side of the can tabulates.
When I eat SPAM Bolognese
My eyes become misty and glazy
But most chefs are truculent
To make me this succulent
Dish--they all think I am crazy!
When I visit the bright city lights
I stuff SPAM down the front of my tights
In the hope that this codpiece
Will get me the odd piece
To help me through long lonely nights.
At Harvard, SPAM chowder's the rage.
The students say it can assuage
Those lusts that are lost on
The burghers of Boston,
Regardless of gender or age.
There was an old lady from Norwich
Who told us, while eating her porridge,
"Putting SPAM on your cereal
Makes it more ethereal;
A condition I always encourage."
Those people who put jam or jelly on
Their toast think that we are Orwellian
But, although we're more equal,
And eat toast, SPAM, and treacle,
The word we'd prefer is Hormelian.
The SPAM-mobile used by Lake Speed,
It's hoped, will attract a new breed
Of good ol' boy fans
Who will rush to buy cans;
Whether or not there's a need.
"Yon haggis Ah can nae mair stomach
So Ah'll tak tae the road wi' ma crummock!"
Cried Dougal MacPherson
(A Scottish-type person)
As he sat, eating SPAM, on a hummock.
"Do have some SPAM?" said the model from Bude.
"I know it's embarrassingly nude,
But, clothed in its tin,
I feel sure it's no sin,
Just, maybe, a sneaky bit rude."
A clumsy young curate from Bristol
Shot the vicar's pet dog with a pistol.
"It's never too late,"
Said the irate prelate,
"Just SPAM up the hole by the fistful."
These limericks can generate stress,
Causing uncontrolled brains to regress.
Go stuff them with SPAM
In a runaway tram,
Where they'll end up with friends in Loch Ness.
"We'll row down the river," said Mary,
"Unless we meet something that's scary.
There's a SPAM by the dam
That can snap up a lamb
Or a cow if it isn't so wary."
"Watch out for the cops," said Capone
"They've got SPAM guns and sticks of baloney.
If we let them get close,
We can give them a dose
Of fried garlic and cheese macaroni."
"What's so funny?" said the sergeant major.
"Get rid of that smile or I'll wager
You'll eat SPAM in a cell
And feel that all hell
Will explode from your rear like Niagara."
A spinster once kept a pet hog
And took it for runs with her dog;
But she ran into SPAM
In a bad traffic jam
And got lost with her hog (and her dog) in the fog.
Young Beau Geste was manning the fort
And was feeling quite harassed and taut,
'Cause the Arabs used SPAM
As a battering ram
And would shortly be quaffing his port.
"Open wide," said my dentist from Maine.
"I'll make sure you feel maximum pain,
While I fill up your grinders
With some SPAM mixed with binders
And drill you again and again."
"No matter," said Aunt Mary Jo,
"If you've nothing attractive to show.
Put some SPAM 'neath your vest
And you'll look your cute best
And haul in the mugs with the dough.
Eat slowly, take care not to gobble,
Or your front teeth will fall out or wobble.
If it's SPAM you've to eat
The trick is to cheat
And spit it all under the table.
A hermit who sat on the Pole
Said, "Will someone please bring me more coal.
My SPAM's getting cold
And I'm getting old
While trying to save my lost soul."
A young go-go dancer from Frisco
Just loved to show off at the disco.
Once she danced a Can-Can
While eating a SPAM
All the way from Las Vegas to Chico.
"Excuse me," said the boy from Belize,
"But I think I am going to sneeze.
I've got some SPAM in my ears,
Which brings me to tears,
And it's going to blow out in the breeze."
"Take this," said an alien from space.
And gave me ten SPAMs in a case.
"It's a gift from the moon
Where I found it at noon.
One suspects it was left there on purpose."
A schoolboy from old County Down
Imagined that he was a clown.
He'd throw SPAMs at the girls,
Which messed up their curls,
Then cried when they jumped on his crown.
"Gadzooks," said Sir Percy Wynn-Jones,
"That SPAM is rotting my bones.
It's turning my eyes
Into little pork pies
And my credit accounts into loans."
An astronomer from far Arecibo
Saw radio SPAMs in the region of Leo.
They said it was clear
That the local strong beer
Was more than a gentle placebo.
"Take a SPAM," said a chef from the Ritz,
"And mince it in minuscule bits;
Then fry it together
With odd strips of leather
And serve it with peas and pommes frites.
A famous musician named Barrie
Kept birds in his home sanctuary.
He caught SPAMs on the wing
and taught them to sing
Duets with his favorite canary.
"Oh, hell!" said Kryten to Lister.
"There's some SPAM that's stuck in my thermister.
I'm going to get icy
So life could get dicey
As my CMOS is certain to blister."
There was a bad gambler from Boston
Who always made bets that he lost on,
Till he set up a scam
When he raced an old SPAM
'Gainst a frisky young colt that got tossed on.
A rebellious young student from Boulder
Rejected the facts that they told her.
When taking exams
She would wrap up some SPAMs
And hurl them right over her shoulder.
I think that I'm going to get sick.
There's a SPAM on the end of my stick.
As to how it got there
I don't really care,
But the medic said, "Cut it off quick!"
There once was a young man named Buck,
whose luck with the women did suck.
He brought out the SPAM
and then opened the can,
and now all the stud does is #*ck.
An aesthetic young witch from Berlin
Went looking for new ways to sin.
With SPAM book and bell
She thought up a mod spell,
Which put Pop-Arts all over her skin.
A luscious young lush from Algiers
Drank forty-five over-proof beers.
She absorbed them with SPAM,
Then stacked up a pram
With the empties 'mid loud claps and cheers.
"Good Lord," said the monk from Tibet,
"That's the biggest SPAM I've ever met.
I'm told he's the head
Of a group from the Fed.
It brings me out all in a sweat."
"The Lord," Moses said, "gave us many things
Consistent with good kosher upbringings.
The rest can be crammed
In those little blue cans--
The Gentiles will eat almost anything."
An angry old doctor from Bray
Said, "There's a SPAM in my surgical tray.
The smartass who put that SPAM there
Will lose patches of burnt pubic hair
With the help of my hot laser ray."
"Steal a SPAM," said the Thief of Baghdad.
"It's no more than a passing fad:
But hang one at night
On the precinct front light
And the good guys go stark raving mad.
"Don't cry, little SPAM," said Big Brother.
"I know we've just eaten your mother.
It's not long to wait
Before you're on the plate
With two slices of white bread and butter."
I know that I'm getting old
And my brain cells are covered in mold;
But SPAM I still relish
And I'm sure it won't perish
Nor die in its blue tin unsold.
"I'll never eat fresh SPAM again,"
Said a shark from the west Spanish Main.
"I've just swallowed a man
Who had a huge SPAM.
Now I've got an abdominal pain."
"I won't come," said the old sow to Hormel.
"I don't like a dress so informal.
And as for flesh pink,
I think it's a stink.
Its hardly de trop or quite normal."
"No thanks," said the saint to the Devil.
"I won't take your SPAM though I revel
In opening the tin
And resisting the sin
Of enjoying its flesh, pink and evil."
"Mind your head," said Old Mother Riley,
"There's a SPAM on the roof that's quite oily.
It's dripping its fat
On my best table mat
And making a mess green and biley."
A gourmet from Alsace Lorraine
Loved to mix his new SPAM with champagne.
He would froth it all up
With cracked ice in a cup
Then pour it all down the next drain.
I've used up most names which can rhyme
With limericks and SPAM all the time.
There's little to do
'Cept write a haiku
Or think of a suitable crime.
A detective from central Mauritius
Became unduly suspicious
When an old SPAM appeared
Wearing moustache and beard,
An illusion not thought quite propitious.
"Doggone it," said the sheriff from Texas,
"I caint see the difference twixt sexes.
A SPAM sure is SPAM,
And a man is a man,
Ah jest shoots em both in the plexus."
A man on the flying trapeze
Looped the loop with the greatest of ease,
Till he fell on the deck
And twisted his neck
And now lives on SPAM mashed with peas.
"Those graffiti in the halls of St. Sarah's,"
Said a repainting group of repairers,
"Are of SPAMs in the nude,
Erotica so lewd
They could corrupt our morals and snare us."
"Take a bow," said the actor from Broadway.
"You were always supreme at the swordplay:
Except for the time
When you pinioned Lord Syme
After slicing his SPAM off in horseplay."
SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation for luncheon meat. The Haiku Archive Master and the contributors to this website have no legal, commercial or financial involvement with Hormel Foods. Neither the information presented here, nor the manner in which it has been presented, has been sanctioned by Hormel Foods.