Three gay men, three fag-hags, and their pet rooster walk into a bar...

What you will need:

- six players named: Elton, Rupert, Ian, Rosie, Ellen, Condoleezza.
- one rooster
- one bar
- one bartender
- ten barstools, numbered 1–10 left-to-right
- one dance floor
- one tattooing needle, in the sleazy back room of the bar
- one pirate
- the following 22 cute boys:

a01 b01
a02 b02
a03 b03
a04 b04
a05 b05
a06 b06
a07 b07
a08 b08
a09 b09
a10 b10
a11 b11

Rules:

Each of the 6 players and all 22 cute boys, at any given time, can either be sitting on a barstool, dancing, standing around the bar, or in the adjoining "tattoo parlor." Each cute boy appeared in a television series with exactly one other cute boy. In all but three cases the two boys were costars; in one case one was a star and the other a returning guest; in one case they are both supporting characters; in the remaining case both were guest stars and did not appear simultaneously. Any references to a boy's character are to the character he played in this show. Any reference to a boys costar refers to the person who appeared in the same series, whether they were costars or not. IMDB is the sole authority on any facts about the boys or characters. For example, if James Doohan appeared in this puzzle, his character's name would be "Lt. Cmdr. Montgomery 'Scotty' Scott." His name would be "James Doohan," not "Jimmy Doohan." However, characters who are named "himself" will instead use the name of the boy who played himself.

All biceps tattooed are left biceps, all buttcheeks tattooed are right buttcheeks. All references to boys are to the cute boys, not to the male players. All references to male or female players refer to those players who identify as being male or female, respectively. If an instruction refers to a set which happens to be empty or to a player or boy who does not exist, then this instruction is simply ignored. Similarly, if an instruction refers to a set consisting of one person, the instruction may still use the plural.

This bar serves eight different drinks, each of which produces a particular effect in the drinker. The effect starts on the turn following the drinking of the drink and lasts for the number of turns equal to the number of letters in the drinker's name. Since drinking does not change your tolerance, the length of a drink's effect can never be changed. However, any other number upon which the effect of a drink depends must be recalculated at the beginning of each turn and does not change until the beginning of the next turn. If a player drinks a drink while already under the influence of another drink (whether the old drink is the same drink as the new drink or a different drink altogether), the new drink's effect takes effect on the players next turn, as normal, and lasts as long as it normally would. In other words, the effects of drinks don't concatenate; they overlap. Cute boys are immune to the effects of drinks, as is the rooster. If at any point a drink is served to an empty stool or to someone sitting who is incapable of drinking it, the rooster drinks it and sits under that seat.

The drinks are:

Roadside Sobriety Check — Confuses the drinker's understanding of the alphabet by reversing its order. If the drinker previously thought that A was the first letter, that B was the second letter, and so on, then the drinker instead thinks that Z is the first letter, Y is the second letter, and so on.

Gender Bender — Makes the drinker think he or she is of the opposite gender with respect to the gender the drinker would otherwise think that he or she was. Because this is a non-heteronormative game, everyone (including the other players, the bartender, and anyone else you could think of) respects the gender identity choices of all players.

Carrot Top — Makes the drinker get up from the bar when the bartender tells a bad joke (please note that ALL of the bartender's jokes are bad).

Dancing Queen — Causes the drinker to do nothing but stare at the cute boys if 5 or more of them are dancing. Any and all instructions given to the drinker in this state will be ignored, and the drinker in this state can not drink anything served to him or her.

Roman Bathhouse — Causes the drinker to Caesar shift any letter of the alphabet he or she is instructed to tattoo by +n, where n is the number of the barstool, according to the drinker, on which the drinker last sat. For example, if the drinker last sat on barstool 2, an instruction to tattoo the letter D will result in a tattoo of the letter F.

Ménage-à-Dix — Confuses the drinker's understanding of the numbers 1–10. Every time the drinker is instructed to do something involving the number n, he or she instead uses the number 3n mod 11. This drink does not confuse ordinals nor does it confuse numbers larger than 10. However, it does confuse the numbers in the effects that other drinks have on the drinker (though not on the duration of those effects!).

Fanboy — Causes the drinker to confuse reality and fantasy. The drinker will think that a cute boy's character name is what he previously thought was his real name and vice versa.

Shakespearean Comedy — Causes the drinker to swap the identities of each cute boy with his costar. For example, if the drinker is given an instruction which he would otherwise interpret to tell him to dance with a particular boy, he or she will instead dance with the costar of that boy.

Turns:

(Note: For any given turn, follow the instructions given one sentence at a time.)

1. Each of the three male players finds the cute boy whose first name is closest to his own in the alphabet (excluding those preceding him in the alphabet) in the hope of buying him a drink. The six players and these three boys sit on stools 1 through 9 in alphabetical order by first name. The rooster sits under the 10th stool. The bartender says "Why the big cock?" Elton orders three Ménage-à-Dixes, one for himself and one for each of the stools adjacent to his.

2. The boys whose first names begin with J go dance. Ellen orders Dancing Queens for stools 1, 2, and 3.

3. Any boy sitting at the bar whose birth month is July goes to the tattoo parlor. Each player and each boy sitting at the bar shifts 1 stool to the right. The first name of the player or boy sitting on the stool above the rooster is reversed (i.e. George would become Egroeg); this name change (and any other future name changes) is permanent, unless explicitly changed again.

4. The boys whose characters' names include military ranks sit down on the first three available barstools from left to right in alphabetical order by last name. Condoleezza and the boys that she is sitting adjacent to, and any boy sitting at the bar whose first name begins with the letter N, go to the tattoo parlor. She tattoos on the chests of the boys in the tattoo parlor the characters in the word DON'T, beginning by putting a T on the boy whose last name is last alphabetically and so on until she runs out of either boys or characters (please do not confuse ASCII characters with television characters!).

5. The two cute boys whose characters are lovers in an animated TV show sit on the two highest-numbered available barstools, with the older boy sitting on the higher-numbered of those two stools. The player in the highest numbered barstool orders a Fanboy for each odd-numbered stool. (If your rooster is very confused at this point, you have made a mistake.)

6. If the total number of tattoos that have been made up to this point is smaller than the number of the stool under which the rooster is sitting, then Condoleeza tattoos a K on the butt of any boy currently in the tattoo parlor. Otherwise, she instructs every cute boy whose first initial is later alphabetically than the first letter of their birth month to go to the dance floor.

7. The person sitting on the stool above the rooster orders a Fanboy for stool 9. Rupert takes all of the boys whose first names begin with J to the tattoo parlor. Condoleezza tattoos on the chests of the new arrivals, in reverse alphabetical order by last name, the letters in the word SNOT (beginning with S); however, if the number of boys sitting at the bar equals the number of players sitting at the bar, then she reverses the order of the last two boys (in reverse alphabetical order); otherwise, she accidentally tattoos an M instead of an N.

8. Excited about their stunning new body art, all the boys in the tattoo parlor go to dance. The players in the tattoo parlor follow the eye candy to the dance floor. Ellen calls over the oldest two boys whose names include the title "Dr." to sit on the two empty stools left-to-right in alphabetical order by last name.

9. All the players in odd numbered stools order Roadside Sobriety Checks, while all the players in even numbered stools order Carrot Tops. The person sitting on the stool above the rooster takes the two cute boys who costarred in a TV show set on a spaceship to the tattoo parlor.

10. The boys whose characters often hang out in a graveyard and the younger of the boys whose characters travel via wormhole go to the tattoo parlor. The rooster, feeling lonely, moves under the chair occupied by the male player sitting at the bar. The bartender says "What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night!"

11. Elton orders the boys in the tattoo parlor from right to left alphabetically by their city of birth. Having second thoughts about this, he cyclically permutes all of the boys (except for the first and the last boy!) to the left by one place. Then Elton tattoos (from left to right) the letters in the word LESBIAN on their chests, the letters in the words LIONKING on their biceps and the letters in the words MYLAD on their butts (one letter per boy per body part); in all three cases Elton stops tattooing on that body part when he has run out of either letters or boys.

12. Rupert takes the two dancing boys whose character's first names begin with an R to the bar. Rupert picks a group of three adjacent stools; he sits in the middle and the younger boy sits on his right while the older boy sits on his left. Elton takes the two boys from the tattoo parlor whose first names are the first two alphabetically to the dance floor. At this point the tattoos on the chests of the dancing boys who have tattoos should anagram to a nickname for testicles.

13. Condoleezza goes to the bar and sits on the lowest-numbered available barstool. Upset at being the only player who hasn't had a drink she orders Shakespearean Comedies for herself and the two stools adjacent to hers. The male player who is not sitting at the bar, dancing, or at the tattoo parlor, sits at the bar. (If this player is confused about where to sit, you have made a mistake.) The male player from the last sentence orders himself a Roman Bathhouse.

14. The first names of the players or boys sitting in stools adjacent to the stool under which the rooster is sitting change by moving the last letter of their first names to the first letter (for example, George would become Egeorg). Rosie and the boys who split a million dollars in the fourth season of a show go to the tattoo parlor. The bartender says "Erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the whole rooster."

15. Elton leaves the dance floor to find the two cute boys who were guest stars in a sitcom featuring a song by the Rembrandts. Elton and these two boys go to the tattoo parlor. Since the tattoo parlor is getting crowded, the boys who already have tattoos on their chest, butt, and biceps leave the parlor.

16. The two players whose names begin with N swap locations with the two players in the tattoo parlor (guys swap with guys and gals swap with gals!). The bartender gives a free round of Gender Benders to the stools which are multiples of 3 and a free round of Ménage-à-Dixes to the odd-numbered stools.

17. The first names of the players sitting in stools adjacent to the stool under which the rooster is sitting become the same set of letters as before, but in alphabetical order (for example George would become Eeggor). The boy who has received no tattoos AND is not dancing AND is not in the tattoo parlor AND is not sitting at the bar AND did not appear in the American version of an originally British television show goes to the tattoo parlor.

18. All the players and boys at the bar whose first names begin with the letter R reverse the order in which they are sitting at the bar (the person currently sitting furthest left of those players and boys would instead sit in the stool of the person currently sitting furthest right of those players and boys, and so on). The male player sitting furthest to the left on the bar instructs the boy in barstool 7 to go to the tattoo parlor.

19. The female player at the tattoo parlor arranges the boys left-to-right in order by age youngest-to-oldest. This female player takes the third youngest boy and moves him all the way to the right. This female player takes the youngest boy and moves him all the way to the right. The male player at the tattoo parlor then tattoos from left-to-right the letters in the words WATERY on the chests of the boys and JOCKSTRAP on the biceps of the boys and STIMULUS on the butts of the boys (as usual he stops tattooing when he has run out of either boys or letters).

20. All of the boys and players currently dancing leave the dance floor. All of the boys and players currently in the tattoo parlor go dance. The rooster crows midnight, and at this moment the only pair of players sitting at the bar whose names have the same length switch their names (for example, if they were George and Gracie respectively, they are now Gracie and George respectively).

21. Elton finds the 4 oldest boys and takes them to the tattoo parlor. Elton arranges the boys left-to-right in reverse alphabetical order by character's last name. Elton swaps the locations of any two boys who were born in the same decade. Elton tattoos the letters in the word ELEPHANT on the biceps of the boys (as usual Elton stops when there are no more letters or boys). Overhearing the discussion in the tattoo parlor, the bartender says, "What do you do when an elephant comes in your window? Swim!"

22. The only male player who is dancing (and who will be referred to as X for the remainder of turns 22 and 23) sits on the only available prime-numbered barstool. X orders himself a Ménage-à-Dix. X instructs the male player in the second-lowest numbered barstool among all the other male players at the bar to move to the next available barstool to that male player's right. X orders a Gender Bender for stool 3.

23. X repeats the instructions from the second-to-last and last sentences of move 22.

24. All dancing boys whose tattoos, when read in the order chest, butt, biceps do not spell one of: the abbreviation of a popular United States newspaper, the name of an M.I.T. fraternity, part of the name of a well-known paper-and-pencil game, or the first three letters in the name of a country (which happens to be that in which one of the researchers of the cute boys in this conundrum was born), get up and go to the bar. The boy whose tattoos, when read in the order chest, butt, biceps, spell an abbreviation for a community theatre (which happens to be in the home town of one of the authors of this conundrum), sits in the lowest numbered available stool, the other sits in the highest numbered available stool.

25. Elton goes to the dance floor with the youngest of the boys in the tattoo parlor and his costar. Elton also calls to the dance floor the boy who, of all the boys who are not in the tattoo parlor, not dancing, and not at the bar, has a set of three tattoos which when read in the order chest, butt, biceps spells an English word. At this point the tattoos on the biceps of the dancing boys should anagram to a nickname for testicles.

26. If the number of male players at the bar equals the number of female players at the bar, then the male player sitting furthest to the right orders Gender Benders for the power-of-two numbered stools (including 1 as a power of two!); otherwise the player of the gender most represented among the players at the bar sitting furthest left orders Gender Benders for all the odd numbered stools.

27. The name of the player or boy sitting on the stool above where the rooster is sitting changes to Dan Katz. If the total number of tattoos on the body parts of the boys who are neither sitting at the bar, dancing, nor at the tattoo parlor is greater than 15 then the rooster turns into a duck. The bartender says "How do you get down off an elephant? You can't get down off an elephant; you get down off a duck!"

28. Elton and all the boys sitting on even numbered barstools and all of the dancing boys go to the tattoo parlor. The boy born on the seventh of June sits on the stool that the rooster (or duck!) is sitting under. Elton tattoos the letter E (for Elton!) on all untattooed chests, biceps, and butts of any of the boys in the tattoo parlor. The boys from the show whose title is a play on the title of a textbook go to the bar and sit on the lowest numbered available stools in alphabetical order by state of birth. The boys in the tattoo parlor who did not receive tattoos this turn (except for the boys who share the same first name!) return to the dance floor, accompanied by Elton. The male player sitting furthest left at the bar calls the boy born on Boxing Day to sit on the stool immediately to the right of that player; if there is already a boy in that stool, he gets up. The boys on barstools who began the turn on barstools return to their original bar stools. Elton calls to the dance floor any boys born in France or Canada.

29. The player on the dance floor who shares a first initial with one of the boys on the dance floor sits on the only available barstool. All of the female players at the bar order Carrot Tops while all the male players at the bar order Shakespearean Comedies. The boy sitting at the bar who starred in the show narrated by a dead person gets up from his stool and his costar takes his place.

30. The name of the player sitting on the stool above the rooster (or duck!) reverses order (for example, if it was Rumplestiltskin it would become Nikstlitselpmur). The pirate walks into the bar. He has a steering wheel on his crotch (What, we forgot to tell you that you would need a steering wheel? Don't you have one lying around somewhere? This is Mystery Hunt, after all! Be prepared!). The rooster (or duck!) asks the pirate "Do you know that you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says "Arrrrrrrrrrrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!" The pirate leaves the bar again and returns to his ship.

31. The players all decide to play a drinking game. From here until last call, any player sitting at the bar will drink any and all drinks whose names begin with the same letter as the name of that player, each time the bartender says a word that begins with that same letter. The bartender says "What do roosters play with when they are little? Cock blocks!"

32. The player sitting at the bar whose name has the same number of letters as the number of the barstool on which he or she is sitting, decides that the rooster (or duck!) needs a friend. That player sits on the stool above which the rooster (or duck!) is sitting and that player's name is changed to Friend.

33. The boy who has been sitting at the bar for the longest consecutive number of turns gets bored and wanders off by himself to the dance floor. The male player sitting furthest left asks the younger of the two boys from a TLC home redecorating show to sit on the lowest numbered available barstool and the elder of those two boys to sit on the highest numbered available barstool. The rooster (or duck!) pecks the feet of the player or boy sitting on the stool above it; this person says "Fucking fucker!"; the bartender replies "Fucking fucker? I hardly even fucking know her!"

34. The player two stools to the right of the boy born in Ethiopia goes to the dance floor. The player who was already on the dance floor goes to the tattoo parlor along with all boys who are currently tattoo-free. The player in the tattoo parlor orders the boys from right to left by location of birth from north to south. The boys decide to play a game of leapfrog. All the boys face to the left end of the line. The only boy in the tattoo parlor whose costar is not in the tattoo parlor jumps over each boy in front of him, until he is at the front of the line. The boy whose last name is also the name of a WNBA team jumps over the boy immediately in front of him. Then the player in the tattoo parlor tattoos the letters in the word SCARS on the chests of the boys, the letters in the word BYTES on the butts of the boys, and the letters in the words ANAUGHTYNAUGHTYBOY on the biceps of the boys, (all from left-to-right one letter at a time stopping when either boys or letters run out).

35. The DJ begins playing "It's Raining Men." All the cute boys go to the dance floor, discarding their shirts in the process. The player on the dance floor dances with each of the boys, and in doing so he orders them from left to right on the dance floor alphabetically by costar's first name. The player all the way at the left of the line feels lonely and dances over to the right of his costar. At the end of the song you should see a clue phrase for the answer.

36. All of the players who are not sitting at the bar sit down at the bar in the three lowest-numbered, even-numbered barstools, with the player who has had the fewest drinks during the course of the night sitting in the lowest numbered seat, and so on. All players at the bar whose names begin with a vowel order Gender Benders. The bartender says "Gender bender? But I hardly know her!" The rooster (or duck!) groans.

37. Frustrated by the bartender's lack of creativity, the rooster (or duck!) crows (or quacks!) last call. Elton calls the two boys from the TV show set on an island and the boy who has tattooed on his body, in the order biceps, butt, chest, the abbreviation of a city (which happens to be the city where the author who worked on both the conundrum and the cute boys research is from); these three boys sit in the three lowest numbered available stools in alphabetical order by letter tattooed on their chest.

38. The player who is sitting two stools to the left of the rooster (or duck!) takes all the boys whose characters' names contain the bigram which is the postal abbreviation of the birthplace of the boy who has an N (and no other letters!) tattooed on his body to the tattoo parlor. He arranges the boys from left to right alphabetically by character's last name. Then he tattoos the letters in the word CUBSCOUTS on their butts (one at a time stopping when he runs out of letters or boys, as usual).

39. All the male players go to dance, taking with them all the boys who are sitting at the bar. The youngest boy sits on the lowest numbered available barstool, the second youngest boy sits on the second lowest numbered available barstool, and so on until all barstools are filled. Every boy sitting at the bar with no character tattooed on his biceps switches stools with the nearest boy who has that same property. Leaving stationary the boys in the leftmost two barstools and the boys adjacent to the stool under which the rooster (or duck!) is sitting, permute the remaining boys cyclically twice to their left.

40. The boys who are sitting on barstools stand on their stools, and moon the dancing players. The bartender says "What do you call this act?" The rooster (or duck!) says "The Aristocrats!"