Investigator’s Report (solution)
by Francis Heaney
In the first half of the puzzle, the 17 words from the 8 round answers each map cryptogram-style to one of the partial show titles on the left halves of the tickets, with the set of words in each multi-word answer all matching within a set of grouped tickets. Nine of the tickets’ Row letters do not appear in the partial title of the show, but do appear in the corresponding round answer (these, as it happens, are the tickets that do not pair up to make longer show titles). Find the Row letter in the corresponding answer and take the letter from the show title used to encode that letter; reading those letters in order by Seat number gives NO OVERLAP, a clue as to what to do in the second half of this meta.
Row L
Seat 1
Ah, Now
= JULES (N)
Row S
Seat 2
Gumbo
= KINGS (O)
Row K
Seat 3
I’m So
= JACK (O)
Row B
Seat 4
V-Chips
= BRIDGE (V)
Row T
Seat 5
Hug Joe
= CHRIST (E)
Row I
Seat 6
He Fears
= MAZARIN (R)
Row R
Seat 7
It’s Lit
= CHURCH (L)
Row H
Seat 8
YMCA
= JOSH (A)
Row O
Seat 9
Clay Cup
= ARIGATO (P)
The other eight tickets are from shows that Bergman liked, and all have right-half counterparts. In these tickets, the Row letter appears in the partial title of the show but not the round answer. Find the letter in the title and take the corresponding letter from the answer word; reading those letters in order by Seat number gives CAST HUGE, the first half of the meta answer.
Row K
Seat 1
King Quit
= CARDINAL (C)
Row H
Seat 2
Why Fall
= CARDIFF (A)
Row K
Seat 3
Mud Cracks
= GOZAIMASU (S)
Row I
Seat 4
Gawky Jim
= SCHWARTZ (T)
Row T
Seat 5
What Fez
= PINHEAD (H)
Row R
Seat 6
Groom Me
= BUFFOON (U)
Row Q
Seat 7
Up Quick,
= HIGHWAY (G)
Row Y
Seat 8
Byron, No
= REGATTA (E)
As for the right halves of the tickets, the clue NO OVERLAP hints that we must match answers with shows they have no letters in common with. The eight new answers from the critic puzzles each match exactly one right ticket half, and one left ticket half, with which the answer has no letters in common. Once appropriately matched, the answers and completed show titles almost form pangrams; each one contains exactly 24 letters of the alphabet. The Row letter on each right ticket half accounts for one of the missing letters; taking the other remaining missing letter and ordering by Seat numbers gives TV ACTORS, the second half of the meta answer.
Row H
Seat 2
Why Fall
by a Gangplank, Jan Brady?
Row V
Seat 1
+ COSMO SEX QUIZ (T)
Row R
Seat 6
Groom Me
Now for Exxon/GQ Offer, John
Row Z
Seat 2
+ DUCKBILL PLATYPUS (V)
Row Q
Seat 7
Up Quick,
Klutz, It’s Just Twilight
Row Y
Seat 3
+ NEVER REMOVED FROM BOX (A)
Row Y
Seat 8
Byron, No
Wimpy O.J. in My Fizzy Gin Drink
Row Q
Seat 4
+ EXHAUST VALVES (C)
Row K
Seat 3
Mud Cracks
as Gaps Mark a Major Quaggy Hazard
Row V
Seat 5
+ INFLEXIBLE WILL (T)
Row I
Seat 4
Gawky Jim
Making a Banana-Fig Pizza
Row Q
Seat 6
+ CRUSHED VELVET TUX (O)
Row T
Seat 5
What Fez
May Become Tax-Exempt?
Row J
Seat 7
+ VIDKUN QUISLING (R)
Row K
Seat 1
King Quit
Mummifying Civic Junk
Row W
Seat 8
+ ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX (S)
The surest way to displease William S. Bergman, then, is to CAST HUGE TV ACTORS, whose popularity he is sure to despise.