Roast beef – Anyone can roast beef [Harvard students]

Bull – One has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back [MIT professors]

Violin – A violin doesn't burn as long [Violinists]

Halfway / the Atlantic Ocean [Therapists]

Bagpipe – No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe [Grad students]

Outlaws are wanted + outlaws [Schizophrenics]

Enough drumsticks for eight at thanksgiving / turkey [Anticlimaxes]

Potholes all over Australia / elephant [Circus performers]

"It's a matter of a pinion" + raven [Investment brokers]

Nothing, to a topologist + coffee cup [Blondes]

Hell if I know / Rhinoceros [Fishermen]

Mechanical engineer – One builds weapons, the other builds targets [John Kerry]

California – In one, you can always find the party, in the other, The Party can always find you [Californians]

45 lbs + girlfriend [Surrealists]

Ignorance – I don't know and I don't care [Christians]

Princess Di wouldn't be caught dead in a Ford + Ford [Frat boys]

Nothing, to a programmer + Halloween [Oregonians]


All of them
Both of us
Eight — one to hold it and seven to drink 'till the room spins
Fifty. Yeah, fifty. It's in the contract
Five — one to hold it and four to turn the ladder
Five, because There Are Five Lights!
Five. And you shoulda seen it — it was this big
Four — One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go
Four — one to do it and three to co-author the paper
Four. No, two. No, nine.
I don't know ... about five?
Nine — One to do it and eight to share the experience
None — attempting to change is futile. Resistance is voltage over current
None — it contains the seeds of its own revolution
None — it shouldn't have to change for society to accept it
None — it's a hardware problem
None — it's ok, I'll just sit here in the dark ...
One and a half
One — he holds it and the world revolves around him
One, but it's got to want to change
One, but only if he's Larry Summers
Only one but it takes him nine years
Six — one to do it and five to fend off the Californians trying to share the experience
Three — one to call F-IXIT and two more to make sure he's not hacking alone
Three — one to do it and two to stand around and talk about how much better they could have done it
Three — one to hold the giraffe and two to fill the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles
Three — one to take it out and drop it, and two to try to sell it before it crashes
Three, but they're really one
Two — you got a problem with that?