Investigator’s Report

Betsy Johnson is a theater critic by night, but by day she works the letters desk of a major newsmagazine. Before she can publish a letter, she has to cut it down to an exact 100 word limit. In the process, she’s often tempted to add common sense, insert some reason, and fix a wild word or two. Unfortunately, she’s usually not allowed… and we think it might be starting to get to her.

We snuck into Betsy’s office and found these five letters in a folder marked “Unusual Correspondence.”

1. Dear Editors,

   I know that as agents of our country’s liberal media you are all obliged to keep your brains stuck firmly you know where, but the backroom deal which obviously informed your article “Improving Memory with Herbal Medicines” reaches new levels of Media Head In Dark, Unmentionable Places Syndrome. Not only do government inspectors regularly suppress research in the name of “public safety” (and throw away letters they disagree with), they take secret drugs to become immune to the very diseases they have inflicted upon us! Wake up and see the government, little sheep, before the government sees you.

2. Gentlemen,

   As a dedicated bibliophile and avid feeder upon your past issues, bearing their overflowing bounty of sophisticated erudition and unmatched quality of prosaic expression, it devastates me that, of late, instead of edifying my ravenous mind, you instead fill your pages with interminable streams of simpleton’s English, which has lamentably overcome the mellifluous grammar and cultivated vocabulary I had come to expect from such a venerable — nay, dare I even say it, learned — and distinguished publication such as yours, and, as demanded by the dictates of gentlemanly politeness, I warn: should you persist, I shall cancel my subscription forthwith.

3. Dudes, I don’t know who writes your baseball column, but I guess he’s got an appealing face, ‘cause he sure doesn’t have a clue. Tell him that the last time a man in a Blue Jay uniform pitched worth a damn, angels came forth from the clouds, crying out the Lord’s name. I have not seen a more underqualified, overpaid, good for nothing assortment of hacks since the Nixon administration! The Yankees are out for blood this year, and my boys are gonna kick them some pansy Canadian ass. So you can stick that in your magazine and smoke it!

4. Hail, guardians of linear thought! Today, by splicing genes of the Douglas Fir, the Chinese Hookworm, and the late, great Ronald Reagan, recalculating the precession of Mercury with novel interpretations of the Pythagorean Theorem, and coupling extraterrestrial linguistics with electronic and informatical simulations of cellular automation, I, Sir Winston von Reinhardt da Rosa de Sade the Fourth, have disproven the Theory of Relativity! Delight with me in overthrowing a century of lies and false science! (Details are available on my website, but I trust my reputation alone will convince you to retract your erroneous article of the fifth of March.)

5. My friends,

   It was with great sadness that I read your recent article on retirement planning. Think of the impressionable youth you have led astray. Have you forgotten what year it is? The end that is prophesied to come? Lo, whether by inferno or flood, by asteroid or war, endless destruction shall envelop all. We shall know no peace, only deadly chaos!

   Now, consider the long window one requires to deploy an investment in any of the vehicles mentioned in your article. This forward looking certified financial planner would recommend a no load mutual fund instead. Please issue a correction!