Argh (solution)

by Andrew Lin and Emily Morgan

This puzzle refers to a common tradition at science fiction conventions, where people take turns reading from the famously bad fantasy story The Eye of Argon until they crack up. The excerpts from the story have been replaced by humming, but with the aid of the intonation patterns and the topical judge’s comments, one can reconstruct them:

Passage	Judge comment
...caressed her firm protruding busts. “You make love well wench,”...	Apparently the other thing she does well is make people crack up.
...upon the rationality of the councilor’s word’s, then raised his shaggy brown eyebrows...	Nothing irrational about laughing there.
...peaceful reind supreme. “Before me, sirrah! Before me as always! Ha, Ha Ha, Haaaa...”	Ha, ha, ha.
Cutting his screech short with a bubbling, red mouthed gurgle, the lacerated acolyte...	Gurgle, giggle, what’s the difference?
...transformed into a raving maniac bent soley upon reaking vengeance.	Yup, sounds like mania to me.
...become all but forgotten in the heat of the battle. “You”; ejaculated...	Look, it just means “said”. You’ve got a dirty mind.
...shoved it to him in wooden bowls, retrieving the food and water bowels...	Sounds like your gut just couldn’t take how funny that typo is.
...their prescence. Brown flaking stains decorated the golden surface of the ridge...	Don’t stain your pants there.
...naked but for a golden, jeweled harness enshrouding her huge outcropping...	Now you’re probably wondering, “How does he know about the size of her local rock formation?”
Notwithstanding these relics of antiquity, its efficiency remained unimpinged.	Notwithstanding those big words, that makes no sense.
All knowledge of measuring time had escaped Grignr.	Well then at least Grignr can’t measure how long you laughed at that.
...a squatting statue, providing of course that the idol can even be hefted...	...and, of course, that you can keep a straight face.
...listless dreary silence. -3 1/2- A tightly rung elliptical circle or torches...	Who knew elementary geometry could be that funny?
...reverberated from his ear drums. Seemingly utilizing the speed of thought...	It’s three times ten to the eight giggles per second, obviously.
...his outstretched arms while slowly twisting his right hand clockwise and his left hand...	Afterward, Grignr did the hokey pokey and turned himself around.
...until the man was reduced to a blubbering mass of squirming, insensate...	Yup, that’s blubbering, alright.
...was capable of arousing the numbing sensation of fear inside of Grignr’s smoldering soul.	Well, it was capable of tickling your funny bone, at least.
...ways warped and distorted, but what is your calling,” she queried, bustily?	As in “to bust out laughing”, apparently.
...ledalong a stone pathway bordered by plush vegitation lustfully...	Got a thing for furry carrots, huh?
...toppled to the floor, as the segregated torso of Grignr’s bovine antagonist...	Alright, alright, don’t have a cow.
...and alternately interposed into the female a strong sensation of stomach curdling nausea.	No no, curdling it, not clutching it.
...commanded the pudgy noble of Grignr. “By the surly beard of Mrifk, Grignr kneels...”	That’s some serious facial hair.
...locked in a searing feral blaze toward the swaying soldier. “To hell with you, braggard!”	They do say the road to hell is paved with laughter, right?
...cobwebs cluttering its inner recesses, yet the stygian cloud of charcoal ebony...	Jim must have looked up “dark” in his thesaurus. Maybe I should look up “easily amused”.
...fiery maned comet, his flabs of jellied blubber pulsating to and fro in ripples of flowing...	Sounds like ripples of laughter if you ask me.
...death he had unwittingly sprung. “Mrifk!” If not for his keen auditory organs...	On the other hand, mine don’t have to be very keen to hear you breaking down over there.
...Grignr and his sire, but found a sword blade permeating the length of his ribs...	Quite a rib-tickler indeed.
...featuring in their centers blood red rubys which resembled crimson fetish eyeballs...	Gemstones, body parts, same thing, right?
...faintly muffled scream of horrified desperation. His hair prickled yawkishly...	You should have tried harder to muffle that giggling.
...slightest chance of sucess. Anguish continued to mount as his means of occupation...	I could see the laughter mounting too.
...Grignr slid his crimsoned blade from Agfnd’s rib cage. The fat prince stood undulating...	Rocking side to side with the hilarity.

The relevant word in each excerpt is the last one, as clued by the fading in of the sound clips (and as is appropriate thematically, as it’s the word which caused the reader to crack up). The acrostic of these words spells WE HAVE BROUGHT THIS BLANK BEFORE YOU; this again matches the story, with the answer, YOKEL, filling in the blank.