Laughter, definitely the best medicine...

The kadi-joke king is back, at last! With a lot of mumbo-jumbo accrued over the years...  Don't say I didn't warn you... advance at your peril!





A Patel walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys of a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked your bank a/c and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Patel replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"




 
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere."

The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"



Advertising Jargon

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

Another installment aimed at helping understand advertising lingo.

"A number of different approaches are being tried."
(We are still grasping at straws.)

"Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured."
(We are so far behind schedule the customer should be happy
just to get it delivered.)

"Test results were extremely gratifying."
(We were so surprised that the stupid thing worked.)

"The entire concept will have to be abandoned."
(The only person who understood the thing, quit.)

"We'll look into it."
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

"Please read and initial."
(Let's spread the responsibility around for the mistakes.)

"Rugged."
(Too heavy to lift!)

"Lightweight."
(Lighter than rugged.)

"Energy saving."
(When the power switch is off.)



Aviation 101

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which
you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!

You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.
 



 
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make
them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.




 
Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal.  Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials. The following true exchange says it all:

Lawyer:    "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?"
Doctor:    "That's correct."

Lawyer:    "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"
Doctor:    "No, I performed the autopsy."

Lawyer:    "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?"
Doctor:    "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later."

Lawyer:    "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"
Doctor:    "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy.  I was not involved with the patient initially."

Lawyer:    "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room."
Doctor:    "That is what the records indicate."

Lawyer:  "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at  that time?"
Doctor:    "The autopsy showed massive hemorraging in the chest area and that was the cause ofdeath."

Lawyer:  "I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?"
Doctor:    "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform and autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue.  As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"




 
Two Engineers with identical qualifications applied for a single position in a computer company. The manager decided that the only way to choose between them was to give them a written test.

When they handed over the papers back to him, each had missed only one question. The manager gave the job to one of them, and the other said indignantly that they had both answered nine questions correctly and why was the other preferred to him.

The manager said:" Against question No:5, he had written,"I dont know". You had put down,"Neither do I"!



Last updated 2nd August 2003