"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"

As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"

A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess hall read: "Don't Waste Food - Food Will Win the War."

Beneath these words someone had scrawled: "That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat here?"

As a Realtor, I deal with all types of people. Recently I showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the property after I mentioned the fantastic view from the living room. But when I dramatically pulled back the drapes, instead of exclaiming over the majestic scenery, the disappointed husband asked, "Where's the view? Those mountains must be blocking it."

A little boy accidentally wandered into the ladies' dressing room at a fancy swimming resort. The entire room of women began shrieking and scrambling to cover themselves with towels.

As he stood in the middle of the commotion, the kid asked, "What's the matter? Never seen a little boy before?"

Mike and Nick go into a bar, whooping and hollering. "Bartender, drinks for everyone. We're buying!" they shout.

"What's the occassion?" asks the bartender.

"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle, and it only took us seven months," Nick replies.

"Seven months?" says the bartender. "What's the big deal? It shouldn't take you seven months to do a puzzle."

"Oh, yeah?" Mike answers. "On the box it said 'two to four years'!"

Mortified doesn't describe how Jane's parents felt after meeting her boyfriend. He sported vile tattoos, swore and just had a hostile air about him.

After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person."

"mom," Jane said, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Billboard for a Maine water service company: "Swimming pools filled, septic tanks pumped, not same truck."

From McKinney Living magazine: "In our last issue, the man pictured as the second-place winner of the photo contest was incorrectly identified as 'Jesus'. His correct name is 'Anthony Wilson.'"

From the Novato (Calif.) Marin Independent Journal: "The circulation department is using an outside contractor to conduct a subscription sales promotion where advance payment is required in exchange for a coupon value book. In early editions of Friday's paper, it was incorrectly reported that the promotion was a scam."

There were only two cars at the end of my exit ramp but no one was moving. Clearly the first driver was too timid to beldn into the flow of traffic. Opportunity after opportunity passed her by, and cars piled up on the ramp.

Finally, the driver moved, spurred by an exasperated motorist at the end of the line who yelled, "The sign says yield, not surrender!"

A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for raodside assistance. He climbed into the boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday."

A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location."

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

After a long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"

Spotting the befuddled CEO holding a piece of paper and standing by the shredder, the assistant decided to help. "This document's very important," said the CEO. "Can you make this thing work?"

The assistant turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed "start."

"Great," said the CEO as his paper disappeared into the machine. "I just need one copy."

Two green recruits found three hand grenades on the road and decided to take them back to the base. "What if one of them explodes?" asked one young private.

"No problem," said his buddy. "We'll say we only found two."

Hear about the teacher who was in a car wreck? He was grading papers on a curve.

Being in show business has its drawbacks... The other day I was at one of my favorite eateries and I got interrupted midbite by someone asking me, "Are you..."

And I said, "Yes, I'm Dennis Miller. Can we do this later?"

And he said, "Do what later? I wanted to know if you were finished with that ketchup."

I'm always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. - George Carlin

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. - David Letterman.

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"

A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."

After a brief silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

Brother Andrew was charged with training the other monks in the art of copying precisely by hand the Holy Writs. An eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.

"Oh, no," Brother Andrew said. "These words have been correctly copied from generation to generation. I will show you the first volume ever written." And he shuffled off toward the monastery's library.

Hours later, Brother Jonathan found the elderly monk sitting alone in a candlelit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks.

"What's the matter?"

"I can't believe it," said Brother Andrew. "The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.

"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.

"And what does that tell you?"

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And you, Holmes?"

Holmes paused. "What I see, Watson, is that someone has stolen our tent!"

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."