Today started off with very little sleep, scrambling to get an 18.100 p-set finished and ends with a feeling of contentment and usefulness, since despite my sleep deprivation, I managed to finish my 6.002 lab. (Labs are satisfying in general, not only is it nice to have evidence that the theories we learn are true, it is also fun to play with equipment having many buttons and knobs)


I ran into Brett (he along with Sarah is my 6.270 teammate) today and we talked for a little, and it was just a simple conversation, but it was a much needed thing because a.) he made me feel better by expressing that 18.100 was supposed to be hard class (He's course 18, but even not planning to take it, while my 18.100 TA had remarked casually about my courseload,"So, this semester shouldn't be too bad, should it?", it was the casualness of the remark that hit me since it was then obviously not sarcasm, and the fact that I slave for hours on what he deems trivial) b.) he asked me, "So, what do you want to do?"


I'm so caught up in my p-sets and work, just interested in making it through one more day, that lately, I haven't given it a thought. When other people name lots of interesting CS/EE classes that they want to take the next term, I have no idea beyond general Course 6 requirements. But I think my struggle to survive day by day could be more pleasant if I studied with purpose. In high school it was easy to find purpose:"I would be happy at a school like MIT, where I'll be in the company of lots of fellow geeks who understand me and who relate to me, and where I'll learn lots of interesting things." That was why I studied. And then when I first got here, freshman year, it was no chore to study because of the excitement of the new place, the new professors, and because it was still so unbelieveable to be here in the first place. But the novelty is wearing off; I don't think I can motivate myself to study just by the excitement of actually being here after dreaming if it so long, and a lot of times I wonder what I'm even doing here. Even though I think I don't have time to think about what it is that I want, I should make the time. If I find purpose in my studies, I will pursue them willingly and perhaps even excitedly. The way he explained his love for math and computer science (the purity of it, the being able to build from one simple statement a complex statement without handwaving, the same reasons as mine) reminded me of the love for studying I used to have, and should regain, since there's no point in me doing anything if I don't love it.