Arielle has told me outright that I am not allowed to use any clichés in this speech. So you’re not going to hear me say how wonderful she is, because she already knows that. You’re not going to hear me use a cliché to tell you how beautiful she looks now and always, because you can see that for yourself. You’re not going to hear me say how happy I am or how much I love Arielle, because that should be obvious. Instead, we’re going to talk some math and geography. It’ll be fun, I promise. By the way, Arielle has no idea what I am about to say.
If this was a normal speech, I would say that we have people here from 10 states and Canada, and thank you all for making the trip, go against Arielle’s wishes and use some clichés, and leave it at that. But it’s not even close to a normal speech.
Let’s get started. Our 125 attendees traveled a total of about 59,263 miles to get here. You each traveled an average of 474 miles to get here. However, the median is well below that - just under 100 miles. Video starts here. If you want to learn more about skewed distributions such as this, please talk to Dr. Greta Ljung, who has a PhD in stats. She’s sitting at table 10.
Who here thinks they traveled the farthest to get here? (I’m talking as the crow flies.) My Great Uncle Gene and Aunt Eileen take home that prize, 2543 miles, from Pacific Palisades, CA. They also take the prize for coming from the farthest west.
How about the least distance? The Wintmans, who came 55.3 miles, again as the crow flies, from Norwalk, CT.
Who is the southernmost attendee? That would be Arielle’s Great Uncle and Aunt, Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Sohne, from Boca Raton, FL. (Seems Great Uncles and Aunts travel from the extremes of the country.) There are several Floridians here, and some Texans as well. We’ll talk quite a bit more about the weather at the end, but Arielle and I are very glad that there weren’t any hurricanes this week, so you could join us!
How about the easternmost? I bet he doesn’t realize it, but that would be my colleague Dr. Tom Girnius and his wife Rima, from Quincy, MA.
Now we come to the northernmost. As some of you know, Arielle’s father’s family is from Canada, so that becomes the obvious choice. But who amongst them is furthest north? That would be Arielle’s Aunt, Uncle, and cousins, the Lang family! Though just yesterday, my best man Chris and his girlfriend Lindsey were even further north - in Seattle, Washington. Yes, Seattle is 150 miles or so north of Montreal’s latitude. Look at a map if you don’t believe me.
While we’re at it, let’s talk about the north, Canada specifically, in more detail. We have 9 guests here currently living in Canada - some of Arielle’s aunts, uncles, cousins, and her grandmother. There are at least 2 other Canadian citizens here - though I believe the US is attempting to assimilate them. Arielle will hopefully be partially responsible for that; as she works to improve our healthcare system, it’ll be more likely they’ll want to stay (he’s a doctor).
Now, Arielle and I have crossed the Canadian border numerous times in our travels. As some of you may know, I like to get the passport stamp each time we cross. And I apologize if you have already heard this story. Well, we were crossing the Thousand Islands Bridge back into the US, and I asked for the stamp. Seems that the only way to get that stamp is to go into the building - you know, where all the illegal immigrants, people with no identity, vagrants, and others end up. The border agent offered us the choice of just going on our way, or going inside and getting that stamp. Well, Arielle didn’t particularly like it inside that building, but we did end up getting the stamp! I don’t think many people can claim, as Arielle and I can, that they have an AXB US entry stamp in their passport. It’ll be valuable some day! I’m afraid the US customs and border protection agents at our northern border are somewhat frustrated with me. Last summer I crossed the Canadian border between Minnesota and Ontario and Manitoba four times (each way) in three days - why I did that is a story for another time, but suffice it to say my motivations were pure. The last time I crossed back by myself, they did the "full" search of my car! When Arielle is with me, though, they don’t do the search.
That brings me to the time that Arielle and I were in Idaho on the way to the world potato expo. (Yes, it exists - they have the world’s largest potato chip there, in addition to selling plush potatoes. I bought Arielle a plush potato, but she has since lost it!) Apparently, I was driving a bit fast on the highway, because I was pulled over by Idaho State Policeman Brady Johnson. I think the officer thought I had kidnapped Arielle. Maybe because the true story I told him about going to the potato expo, yet being from Connecticut, didn’t make much sense, or maybe because the officer thought I would have had to win the relationship lottery to snag someone like Arielle. In the end, the officer needed to see her ID as well as mine! He called into headquarters, and perhaps Interpol, to confirm that Arielle wasn’t a kidnap victim. Looking on the Idaho police website, I found their original mission statement. I’m not sure if pulling me over fits their original mission. In addition to "detecting and investigating crime", amongst other things, the department’s original mission was to "order abatement of public nuisances and to enforce such orders, to suppress riots, and to prevent wrongs to children and dumb animals." Yes, dumb animals.
Let’s circle back to where you are all from. No one here is from Idaho, it turns out. For this next part, let’s make the assumption that we all weigh the same amount. Hmm... Well, humor me. Now, imagine we were all at home, the Earth was flat, and the 125 of us were the only ones that existed. Wow, there are a lot of assumptions here. My question is, where would be the balance point be - where is the exact center of Arielle and my circle of family and friends? And who here lives closest to our center? Any ideas? Don’t be shy, shout out a state name, at least! I’m going to leave this as a challenge to our guests. I have told the kitchen that they are not to serve dinner tonight until I get an answer that I consider accurate enough. You think I’m kidding? Well, yes, I’m kidding. This centroid of our family and friends happens to be located in far western Maryland, about 30 miles east of Morgantown, West Virginia, and the people living closest to it are Pearl and Seymour Moskowitz, from a western DC suburb, just 116 miles away. In preparation for this speech, I studied the area around our "center" on Google Street View (it’s quite nice, nestled in the Appalachian Mountains - the highest point in Maryland happens to be located in that county), and decided that we should all meet there next year for Arielle and my first anniversary. The best part? The nearest airport is only about 2 miles from the magical spot, and it’s in a town called Accident, Maryland. By the way, I also know where we’re meeting for the week of our 4th anniversary - Hopkinsville, Kentucky. On August 21, 2017. That’s the date of the first total eclipse of the sun in the continental US since 1979! And Hopkinsville is the town that will have the greatest length of totality.
Switching gears a bit. Arielle and I have known each other for 2969 days now. That’s a prime number! It’s also related to Arielle’s research, in a strange way. As you may know, the US Congress numbers each of their bills. H.R. 2969, currently going through Congress relates to Medicare patient access. I’m afraid I don’t know too much more about it, but I think Arielle will be happy to help you understand the ins and outs of our medical system. (By the way, if you like prime numbers, how’s this one? Arielle and I have known each other for one day over 424 weeks. 424 is the sum of 10 consecutive prime numbers! I’ll leave it as a simple challenge to our guests to determine which ones.) I have known Arielle for 27.4% of my life, and she has known me for 28.8% of hers. Arielle, in case you were wondering, on August 11, 2019, just before our 6th wedding anniversary, you’ll have known me for exactly half your life. I have to wait until May 8, 2020 to say the same thing.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the weather, even briefly, given my job. For the next bits of information, I used data from the Groton New London airport, about 20 miles east of here. It’s the closest weather station that gives reliable enough data for this demanding audience, far enough into the past. The weather could have been quite bad today. On August 25, 1969, the high temperature here was 90 degrees. And two years later, the low temperature was a brisk 45 degrees. In the past 38 years, there have been 15 August 25ths with rain. In the past 40 years, there have only been 3 years with "not a cloud in the sky", and only 4 more with just a few clouds. So we can say that we are very lucky with the weather today...
I think I can connect many of the parts of this speech by talking about our pet turtle, Swimmy. Our turtle is also from north of the US/Canadian border, and was taken across the US/Canada border. It has been with Arielle for about 25 years! When the weather is bad, it gets frightened, and I can’t even imagine how it will respond to a solar eclipse. As much as I care about the turtle, it isn’t the smartest of animals, which means that, yes, it falls under the jurisdiction of Idaho’s police force’s task to protect dumb animals. The police needn’t get involved, since we are very kind to the turtle.
I want to give a very special thank you to Abbe for putting on this event! It’s already great, and as the evening progresses, going to be even better!
I need to give a heartfelt thank you to my parents who mean the world to me. I love you so much!
I will conclude by saying that Arielle and I have been through lots together, from getting stranded in the Costa Rican jungle, to driving through impenetrable fog in the Azores, to seeing a majestic bull moose in Ontario. From dinner and a movie out on the town to lazing around, and from talking about math problems to making music together. From preparing matzah balls to frying latkes. We are so excited about this next stage of our adventure together!
So enjoy the rest of the evening! Eat, drink, dance, and mingle. Please don’t drop the chairs when you lift us up for the hora. But most of all, have fun and thank you for being here with us!