by Till Eulenspiegel
In recent weeks there has been a large amount of controversy about a a plan being looked into by the Strategic Housing Committee to move all the undergraduates westward. This would apparently lead to a more cohesive student body and a centralization of student services. While these are all fine and well, this plan would also require a large amount of money, effort, and alienate a lot of students forced to move for rather vague goals. To say the very least, it leaves a lot to be desired.
So I propose another solution. This plan would present many of the same benefits that the current relocation plan has with some additional improvements and without the problems of displacing large amounts of the student body. I propose that the Institute detonate a small neutron bomb somewhere on west campus. Note that the plan would work just as well on the east side of campus, but the west campus location was picked because President Vest is rather uncomfortable with the thought of a neutron bomb detonating in his backyard. This plan would provide the Institute with incredible benefits in several areas for little expense.
Also, by having all the remaining student body in one area, MIT could concentrate some of its student services in that area. In addition, with as much as half the student body dead, there would be much less strain on student resources in the future. This would produce such tangible benefits as smaller lines in the cafeterias and better food service. The Institute could even finally get rid of ARA. Although the EMPs of the neutron bomb explosion would disrupt network service for a while, Athena 2 would also improve afterwards. With fewer students, there would be less crowding in the clusters and no more overloading of some services such as zephyr and news.
A project of this magnitude would also prominently display to the world once again that MIT students are real engineers who can tackle any problem. It would also boost student pride in their school as a world power. Having nuclear strike capabilities would also be a useful tool to conquer Hahvahd and force them to pay tribute to MIT before we convert their campus into graduate student housing. It would also provide us more leverage for the Institute and more effective lobbying in Congress and other government offices when funding issues are discussed.
So there you have it. An alternative proposal that combines all the features of the westward relocation plan 4 and adds new benefits sure to help MIT well into the next century all at a cheaper cost. I think it has real potential, and I hope the Strategic Housing Committee selects it.
1 - What's left of it at least.
2 - I will admit to the slight fear that a nuclear blast on campus might trigger some ancient defense code in Athena causing MIT to launch a nuclear strike against Russia and start World War III. Hopefully, the administration can work with I/S and avert this.
3 - To put it more bluntly, how do we kill the maximum number of students without affecting other west campus buildings like the Student Center and the Chapel?
4 - Buzzwords, vagueness, centralization, and a total lack of regard for its victims.