A Tribute to Richard M. Nixon

by Hoyt Bleakley

President Clinton has asked that we all say a prayer for former President Richard M. Nixon. VooDoo suggests the following litany:

Our father who doth eavesdrop upon us,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy executive privilege be preserved;
Thy secrecy be assured,
On Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and circus,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
[repeat this last part a few times]
And impeach us not from our corruption,
But deliver us from oversight,
For thine is the administration and the authority
Forever and ever. Amen.

If his balance sheet of Karma is sufficiently positive that the late President eventually makes the ascent into the New Jerusalem, we at VooDoo feel that Mr. Nixon and The Lord will have much in common. Consider:

The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Nixon had a ``secret plan'' to end the war in Vietnam.

The Lord said ``I am that I am.'' (Exodus 3:14)
Nixon said ``I am not a crook.''

God helped Moses part the Red Sea. (Exodus 14:21)
Nixon helped Kissinger open China.

God (through Jesus Christ) said ``Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth.'' (Matthew 6:19)
Nixon (through John Connally) took the U.S. off the gold standard.

God said ``Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.'' (Exodus 20:16)
Nixon refused to answer several sub-poenas.

God used the jawbone of an ass to help Samson escape the wrath of the Philistines. (Judges 15:16)
Nixon used his little dog Checkers to help escape the wrath of the voters. (1954)

God's Son's countenance had changed after he rose from the dead. (Matthew 28:3)
Nixon had his countenance changed by all that make-up in the last debate with Kennedy.

After submerging the Egyptian army, God showed the Pharaoh of Egypt that he wouldn't have the Hebrews to kick around any more. (Exodus 14:28)
After losing governorship to Pat Brown, Nixon told California press ``you won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore.''

After realizing that He couldn't help Sodom and Gomorrah, God torched it. (Genesis 19:28)
After realizing that he couldn't effectively govern, Nixon resigned.

God spoke through a burning bush. (Exodus 3:2)
Nixon spoke through a steaming George Bush, the then GOP chair.

God used Moses to get rid of Aaron for challenging His position as Supreme Being. (Exodus 32:7)
Nixon used Robert Bork to get rid of Archibald Cox for challenging his position as Chief Executive.

Next time: Jesus Christ and Gary Hart, both of whom said ``follow me.'' (Respectively: Galilee, John 1:43; New Hampshire, 1988)