Star Wars Director's Cut
CAST
Yoda, X-wing pilot: Tan
Darth Vader, Death Star: Alex
Emperor, TIE fighter pilot: Yen
Narrator, the Force, Energizer Bunny: Long
PROPS Death Star, cloaks (3), light sabers (3), Vader helmet,
miniature fighters, yoda heads (2), xwing helmet(?),
tie fighter helmet(?),
NARRATOR READS BEGINNING, AS PEOPLE SCROLL UP WORDS (LIKE IN THE MOVIES)
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away ...
Through intelligence sources, the Rebels have learned
that the Empire is completing the final phase
in the construction of a new battle station, far deadlier than
the first, one capable of destroying an entire planet. As the Rebels
fleet assembles for the final assault on the new Death Star, a deadly
confrontation takes place between the dark lord Darth Vader and the Jedi
Master.... A F D I O
r z s t v
3 1 2 e f (smaller letters like in the eye exam room)
If you can read this, you don't need glasses
This lame special effect will self destruct in 10 seconds, etc.
<BEEP BEEP EXPLOSION EFFECT FROM TIE FIGHTER MODEL>
NARRATOR: IN THE EMPEROR'S THRONE ROOM ON THE MOON OF ENDOR, THE JEDI MASTER YODA
CONFRONTS THE DREADED LORD DARTH VADER, UNDER THE WATCHFUL EYES OF THE EMPEROR.
Fight I:
<YODA WANDERS IN FROM OFF-STAGE AND RUNS INTO VADER WHO'S WAITING FOR HIM>
DV: And now the circle is now complete, when I left you, I was but the
learner, now I am the master
Y: Hmm ... how you get so big?
<Y FUMBLES W/ DV STUFF, FONDLES LIGHT SABER>
Y: Hmm ... What's this?
DV: Get away from that ... you're making a mess.
<Y GRABS LIGHT SABER>
DV: Give that back.
<DV TAKES SABER BACK AND HOLDS Y AWAY AT ARM'S LENGTH; Y SQUIRMS>
DV: All too easy ...
<Y TAKES A SHOT AT DV IN THE CROTCH AND JUMPS AWAY>
Y: Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm?
DV: Impressive ... the force is strong with this one (IN A FALSETTO VOICE)
<DV REACHES OUT TO Y>
DV: Give in to the dark side
NARRATOR: MEANWHILE, THE ASSEMBLED REBEL FLEET BEGINS THEIR ASSAULT AGAINST THE
DEATH STAR. THE REBELS' X-WING FIGHTER SQUADRONS ENCOUNTER HOSTILE IMPERIAL TIE
FIGHTER SQUADRONS.
Death Star I:
Emp: The Death Star is in range
X: Approaching Death Star; lock xfoils in attack position (in computer voice)
<X FLIES AROUND DS FOR A WHILE, AND T COMES IN AND SLAPS X ON THE HEAD>
X: I can't see him
<T CHASES X AROUND FOR A WHILE>
T: I got you
X: No, you didn't
T: Did too
X: Did not ...
<THEY START FIST FIGHTING>
NARRATOR: BACK AT THE EMPEROR'S THRONE ROOM, THE CONFRONTATION BETWEEN YODA AND
DARTH VADER ESCALATES TO A NEW LEVEL.
Fight II:
DV: Give in to the dark side
<BOTH DRAW SABERS>
Voice: Run, Yoda, run ...
<THEY LOOK AROUND, LIKE THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE THE VOICE IS COMING FROM>
<BOTH SHRUG, EXCHANGE A COUPLE OF BLOWS>
Y: You couldn't hit me if you tried
DV: Try this! <ATTACKS HIM>
Y: Do or do not ... there is no try.
<EXCHANGE A COUPLE OF BLOWS, Y MISSES LAST>
DV: Ha! I'm not afraid of you
Y: You will be ... you will be.
<EXCHANGE A COUPLE OF BLOWS>
Voice: Yoda, use the force
<THEY LOOK AROUND AGAIN>
Voice: The force will be with you, always
DV: Who is that?
<BOTH SHRUG>
Voice: Milk, it does a body good
Voice: An apple a day keeps the doctor away
DV: Excuse me
Voice: There's no place like home.
Voice: Raise your hand if you're sure
Voice: Foster, it's Australian for bier!
<VOICE KEEPS TALKING UNTIL DV COMES OVER AND HITS THE ANNOUNCER>
Voice: Argggggh
NARRATOR: MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE DEATHSTAR, REBEL FORCES ARE GAINING THE UPPER
HAND.
Death Star II:
<T STILL CHASING X>
<THEN X GOES BEHIND DS, AND HIDES>
<T FOLLOWS BUT GOES PAST, AND THEN DOESNT' KNOW WHERE X IS>
<X COMES OUT, SNEAKS UP BEHIND T AND HITS HIM OVER THE HEAD>
<T FALLS, AND X BEATS THE CRAP OUT OF HIM>
NARRATOR: BACK AT THE EMPEROR'S THRONE ROOM, THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS TAKE A
TOTALLY UNEXPECTED TURN. A STARTLING REVELATION HELPS PAVE THE WAY FOR A
CLIMACTIC END.
Fight III:
<EXCHANGE A COUPLE OF BLOWS>
DV: Give in to the dark side, Yoda
Y: Never ...
DV: Obie Wan never told you the truth
<EXCHANGE A COUPLE OF BLOWS>
Y: He told me the truth, he told me Vietnamese girls are the prettiest
DV: You know it to be true ... search the audience
<BOTH LOOK AT AUDIENCE>
Y: Hmmmmmm ...
<BOTH FACE EACH OTHER AGAIN, AND EXCHANGE A COUPLE OF BLOWS>
Emp: But there is another truth
Y: What? What?
Emp: He is your ...
<EMP WHIPS OUT TABOO CARD>
<DV WHIPS OUT AN HOURGLASS AND TAPS IT TO GO FASTER>
Y: What?
Emp: He has the same last name, but he's not your uncle
Y: He's my aunt?
Emp: No, no ... he knows your mother really well ...
Y: He's the mailman?
Emp: No ... even better than that ...
Y: He's a gym instructor?
Emp: No! He was there when you were born ...
Y: He's the taxi driver?
Emp: No ... to the taxi driver's left!
Y: He's my father? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
NARRATOR: MEANWHILE, THE REBEL FLEET DEFEATS THE LAST OF THE IMPERIAL
DEFENDERS. REBEL FORCES TURN THEIR ATTENTION TOWARDS THE DEATH STAR.
A LONE XWING FIGHTER MAKES AN ATTACK RUN ON THE MIGHTY BATTLE STATION.
Death Star III:
<X FINISHES BEATING UP T>
<THEN LOOKS AT DS>
<DS EASES AWAY, BUT X CATCHES UP>
<X TRIES TO MOVE, AND BEAT UP DS, BUT CAN'T DO A THING>
<THEN X TRIES TO TICKLE HIM, AND BRINGS HIM TO HIS KNEES>
NARRATOR: THE FINAL STRUGGLE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL IS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE.
WILL THE FORCE OR THE DARK SIDE PREVAIL, OR WILL SOMETHING TOTALLY UNEXPECTED
HAPPEN? MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU.
Fight IV:
Emp: Good good ... now you will join your father by my side
Y: No, father ... I feel the good in you
DV: No, son, that's the nu+o+c ma('m
Y: I will not fight you
Emp: Then you will die!!!
<Y POINTS LIGHT SABER AT EMP>
Emp: OK, you win
<Y THEN HEAD TOWARDS DV, BUT EMP HAS OPENED HIS LIGHT SABER, AND COMES
BETWEEN THEM>
Emp: Not so fast!
<EMP AND Y START FIGHTING, BUT EMP'S LIGHT SABER DOESN'T SEEM TO WORK>
<HE OPENS IT UP, AND SEES BAD BATTERIES>
Emp: No!!!!! <RUNS OFF STAGE>
Energizer Bunny: <COMES OUT BANGING ON A POT> He keeps going, and going, and...
<YODA AND VADER WINK AT EACH OTHER, AND BOTH STRIKES THE BUNNY WITH THEIR LIGHT
SABERS. BUNNY DIES AND GOES THROUGH SOME SPASMS>
<DV AND Y WALK AWAY, HAND IN HAND>
DV: Son ...
Y: Daddy ...
Y: Daddy? Who's mommy?
DV: Long story ... in a galaxy, far far away ...
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