JERRY:  Welcome everyone, to the Jerry Nguyen show, not to be confused
with the Jerry Springer Show.  Hello, my name is Jerry Nguyen and the
topic of our show is "I Have a Secret Life".  And here on the Jerry
Nguyen show, we are determined to reveal these secrets whether they
like it or not.  So... let's get started with our first guest, Long Le.

[Long comes onto stage and sits down]

JERRY:   Hello Long.  Nice to have you on your show.  Can you tell us a
little about yourself.  [Asks what you do, love interests.. or lack
thereof]

[Long tells audience about himself.  Jerry rudely interrupts Long]

JERRY:  Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever.  What we all really want to know is what
you hide in your closet!

[Audience screams]

LONG:  What?  What are you talking about?

JERRY:   Well I think we both know what I'm talking about.  But let's clear
things up by bringing on an eye witness who can attest to your scandalous
wardrobe.  Bring out Anne!

[Anne comes on stage and sits down.  Screams and boos]

JERRY:   Welcome to the show Anne.  So, tell us what you know about Long's
secret life.

ANNE:  Well, I always knew there was something wrong with that boy.
But I never thought he would stoop this low.  [Jerry says explain more]
Well, I was just innocently going to the 97 Senior Dinner, when all of
a sudden, Long comes out in DRAG!  And he actually won the beauty pageant.
I don't know ... maybe the judges were drunk.  And to top it off, he did it
again the next year!  To tell you the truth, I was a little jealous.  I
mean he looked better than I do in a leather mini-skirt and boots!

JERRY:  Do you deny these accusations Long?  (Long denies)  Well...we have
PROOF of this gross display.  Show the pictures!

[Long breaks down and admits his secret, he starts to cry.  Anne gets
annoyed and starts making fun of Long for crying]

ANNE: Stop crying you little baby!  Get over it...so you like to dress
in women's clothing! Who cares!  Stop being such a sissy!

[Anne gets up and starts pushing Long around to make him stop crying.
Bouncers struggle to bring Anne back to her seat.]

JERRY:  [Jerry consoles Long, turns to Anne] Now Anne, have you always
been so cruel and violent towards men?

ANNE:  [Surprised] What's with the 20 questions!  Why do you wanna know
punk!   You wanna fight!  COME ON you little skinny, little-headed
Vietnamese boy!   Anne goes to punch Jerry...[Bouncers intercede]

JERRY:  I guess that answers that question.  Well Anne...it seems you have
an extensive history of violent behavior.  So what happened?  Did some
little boy you like in elementary school reject you or something?  [Anne
threatens Jerry]  Ok...let's forget about your childhood.   Let's move on.
We have actual proof of some of your victims.  GROWN MEN who suffered
severe abuse and bodily harm by this evil woman!  Show the pictures!
Show slides.

ANNE:  So what!  What's your point!  They deserved it!  All men deserve it!
AHHHHH!

JERRY:  Well viewers...you know it's really not her fault.  'Cause she
was born that way.  Today we have our expert biologist to ascertain
this poor woman's warped behavior.  Bring out Dr. Emily Le!  [Emily comes
onto stage]  Glad to have you here, Emily...Can I call you Emily?

EMILY:  No.

JERRY:  So Emily, can you explain Anne's violent behavior?

EMILY:  Well you see Jerry, her condition is widely known as Severus
Irritatus Womanus, also known as Permanent PMS.  This behavior is caused
by a defect in her human genetic code.  Let me show you what I mean...

[Slide shows DNA evidence of Anne's genetic defect shows two DNA gels,
one of a normal girl, and one of Anne]

JERRY:  Ok...that's enough.  It's only a half-hour show.  So...Emily.
Besides research...what do you like to do in your spare time?

EMILY:  Spare time?  I don't have any leisure time...I work all day and all
night in the lab.

JERRY:  That's not what our next guest says!  Bring out Huy!  [Huy comes
on stage]  Hello Huy.  It says here you are an engineering student
working to get your PhD at MIT.  So, what can tell us about Emily?

HUY:  I was just surfing the net...when I came across a website called,
"Dancing Queens of MIT."  There were several pictures of girls dancing
wildly at clubs and concerts...needless to say, Emily was in most of them.
She was even the opening act at the Busta Rhymes concert!

[Audience member screams "Hey!  I saw that....now I remember you!
Wow...you were hot!" Audience chants "EMILY!  EMILY!  EMILY!  EMILY! "
Jerry cues music. Club music turns on and Emily strips her lab coat and
glasses off...and  dances wildly on stage.  Audience cheers.  She stops
with the music and tries to regain composure.]

 

JERRY:  Well, well Emily.  You put on quite a show.

EMILY:  [Breaks down]  I can't help it!  When I hear the bass pumping
I can't help myself...I can't...

JERRY:  Well while Emily tries not to Bust a Move...let's move onto Huy.
So Huy, what's your thesis paper on?  [Huy talks about it, but Jerry
interrupts]  WELL I HEARD YOU STARTED THIS WHOLE Y2K PROBLEM!  Isn't it
true that you plan to take over the world by infecting the entire Internet
and every computer affecting every man, woman, and child on the face of
this planet!!!!  [Huy denies it]  Well I beg to differ.  Bring out our next
guest!  [Tri comes onto the stage]  Welcome to the show, Tri.  So Tri.
Is it true that Huy is creating a Y2K virus to take over the world?

TRI:  Yes

JERRY:  There you go!  He said YES!  It must be true!  Admit it you foul
fiend!

HUY:  OK OK I admit it!  But I did it all for love.  You see, I fell in love
with my Cyberfriend, Legs.  I met her on a AOL chatroom.  I wanted to
marry her.  So I had to prove to  her that I was worthy. I wanted to
give her the world.  And I would have  gotten away with it too...if it
weren't for that dorky guy sitting over there!

JERRY:  So how did you find all this out?  Are you some kind of investigator?

TRI:  Sort of.

JERRY:  Hmmm...you don't say much do you?  Well...maybe that's because
you're hiding something!  Because no normal human being could possibly
stopped that mastermind over there!  Because you are in fact NOT human!
YOU ARE SUPER HUMAN!  AREN'T YOU!  [Tri remains silent]  Well maybe this
will make you talk!  Show the pictures!

JERRY: So you ARE SUPER TRI!  Aren't you! You're the one who ruined all
of Huy's evil plans...and you're the one who always show up at VSA
events when everything is going wrong and saves the day. You are the
hero who saved MIT VSA and the world, aren't you?

TRI:  Yeah.

[Meanwhile, Long comes over to Huy...]

Long:  I'm Legs. I'm Legs! I'm the one you are in love with.  I didn't
know you would fall for me like that.  It's the only way I could live
out my fantasy as a woman.

Huy:  NO!  I don't believe it!  How could you!  NOOOO!  [Huy attacks Long]

[Anne comes over to beat them both up (I'll take care of this!!!)
Bouncers and Jerry get mixed up with them.  Tri stays silent in his seat]

JERRY:  Super Tri!  Do Something!  [Tri does nothing....perhaps sleeping]

[Emily takes the microphone away from Jerry when he's not looking]

EMILY:  Did I mention I sing too!  [She starts to sing and dance]

[Everybody gets into the fight. Emily accidentally gets tripped and
drops the microphone.  Jerry crawls on the floor to go after it...]

JERRY:  That's the show!  Tune in next time for KKK lesbian lovers and the
transvestites who love to hate them!  IN the meantime, take care of
yourselves and each other.  Goodbye!

The End