Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > programs/spam/questionspam> qspam > > /---\ | | ----- /---- ----- ----- /---\ | | > | | | | | | | | | | |\ | > | | | | ----- \---\ | | | | | \ | > | \| | | | | | | | | | \| > \---\ \---/ ----- ----/ | ----- \---/ | | > > **** **** *** * * > * * * * * ** ** > *** **** ***** * * * > * * * * * * > **** * * * * * > > v1.0 > (c)1996 Hormelized Technologies > > > Target of spam: The Internet Oracle > > Are you sure that you wish this person to recieve spam (y/n): y > > WARNING: You are spamming an omniscient, omnipotent being. Do you wish > to continue (y/n): y > > Reading spam files.................................DONE > Reading question building algorithms.................................... > .............................................................DONE > Building questions...................................................... > ........................DONE > Initializing SpamMailer(tm)............DONE > > There are five seconds left before the spam will be sent. You may press > ^C during these seconds to cancel. > > 5.....4.....3.....2.....1.....0 > > Beginning spam now. > > Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? How much? How little? > Why not? Who else? So? Who cares? Why would they? Why wouldn't > they? What is the meaning of life? Do you know? How come? What do > you mean? Why do you say that? Why would they say that? Why would I > say that? Why wouldn't you? Why can't anyone? Can you? Would you? > Would you eat green eggs and ham? Why me? Why anyone? What did > they say? How could you? How could anyone? How would anyone? > Could there be? Should I say so? Which is better? What is best? > Is that so? Where were you? Who were you? What are you? When can > you? Can you get there? Can you get here? When can you get there? > When can you get here? What's the answer? What's the question? > Please? What is it? How much was it? What does it do? Where did > you get it? How does it work? Why can't I have it? Why are you > giving it to me? Why aren't you giving it to me? What reason could > there be? Do we need a reason? Do I need a reason? Do I need one? > What do I need? What might I need? What would I need? What would > I want? What might I want? Can I afford it? Can I afford to? > Can they afford to? What can I afford? Can they do that? Who would > let them? Why would they let them? Could they let them? Why won't > they let me? Can they let me? Why am I? How are you? Who is he? > Why is he? How is he? Where is she? Why doesn't she? Do you > like it? Do they like it? Would they like it? Why don't I like it? > Might anyone like it? Could anyone not like it? What's for dinner? > Why can't I have something different? Why do I have to finish it? > Why can't I have dessert? Can I have the steak? Can I have it > medium rare? Can I go there? Can you go there? Can I take you? > Can you take me? Can we carpool? Why can't we carpool? Why won't > you carpool? How can you carpool? Why do you put up with this? > Who else puts up with this? How can you put up with this? Why don't > you put up with it? Why can't you put up with it? Are you sick? > Am I sick? Is it contagious? Is it serious? Are you serious? > Was he really joking? Do you think I'm joking? Is it any good? > It it really that good? Can it be that bad? Why is it good? > Why isn't it good? Would you buy one? Why would you buy one? > Why wouldn't you buy one? Why won't you buy one? How could I > buy one? Could you buy me one? Could you buy me some? Will I win? > Can I win? How can I win? Why won't I win? Why will I win? Why will > they lose? Will I really win? Will they really win? Can I lose? > How much can I lose? By how much can I lose? Will it matter? > Does it matter? Could it matter? Do I matter? Why does it matter? > Why doesn't it matter? Where do we come from? Where do I come from? > Where am I going? Where are we going? Are we going? Are we there? > Are we there yet? Why aren't we there yet? Why can't I stop? > Why don't I stop? Can I stop? Could you stop me? Can I stop you? > Would I stop you? Should I stop you? Should you stop me? Can they > stop him? Why doesn't he stop? Why won't they stop? Why do I > do it? Why don't I do it? How would I do it? How could I do it? > How should I do it? Might I do it? Why could I do it? Why should > I do it? Why would I do it? How much would you pay me? How much > would you pay me? How much could you pay me? Why won't you pay me? > Why don't you pay me? How much could I pay them? How much should I > pay them? Should I pay them? Would anyone pay? Would anyone say? > Could anyone say? Should I say? Should they say? Should they tell? > Should I tell? What should I bring for show and tell? What's that > smell? What the hell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Colonel Mustard. First degree murder. In the billiards room. } Eight minutes to midnight. Greed. With the lead piping. 500 grand. } 10 grand. } } Hardly worth it for less. Sergeant Pepper. So what price love, } peace and flower power now, eh? The Samaritans. Because they're } a bunch of bleeding-heart lefties. In your case, because they were } overcome by revulsion. Subtract the universe and everything and } you're left with six. } } Everything. Omniscient. I mean I'm bloody clever. Because it's } true. Self-infatuation. Complete lack of originality. It's rather } distasteful. } } Physically impossible for humans. Yes. I've already said I wouldn't - } are you deaf as well as stupid? Only if I wanted a dose of botulism. } You're a born loser. They bought Windows95. "Why didn't we buy } a Mac?" I knew I'd get away with it. Greed (see "Why?" above) } or being born Bill Gates. Not with the lead piping anyway - far } too messy. Only after the mating season is over. Nobody'd believe } you. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Butter. No, it was just } a cheap joke. I was with Lisa all night - she'll testify to it. } Zeus Ammon. Superhuman. Anytime I dam' well please. Yes, but you } need to change at Poughkeepsie. I'll need to check with Lisa. Eight } minutes to midnight. Preferably after you've left. A naughty frog. } What's green sits in the corner? Thank you. A Mickey Mouse watch. } $4.99 at K-Mart. Tell the time sporadically. You gave it to me. } The little hand tells the hours and the big hand tells the minutes. } Because you just gave it to me - are you paying attention or not? } Because it sucks. I've changed my mind. It's too good for you. } One of us does. Well done, you got it in one. No, you need several. } Brain cells. A personality transplant. The Samaritans. A blow-up } Gillian Anderson doll. Gillian Anderson. Nope. Mmmm... still nope. } Now what would the Samaritans want with a blow-up Gillian Anderson } doll? A Barbie doll. No - Barbie dolls aren't anatomically correct } (I've tried). Ken and Barbie's snotty little sister Skipper. They'll } do anything for a fiver, that pair. Actually, no - Barbie dolls aren't } anatomically correct. Even those two draw the line somewhere. No - } Barbie dolls aren't... ahh, forget it. An unfortunate conjunction } of genes. Just dandy, thank you. Colonel Mustard. He bought his } commission. Guilty as charged. In the bedroom. It's her time of } the month. As often as possible. Carmelite nuns as a rule don't. } With me they would. Because you're a very sad little man. With me } they might. Perhaps if they'd been recently bobbited. Toad in } the hole. Because you didn't finish it last time. How else are } we going to get rid of all these dam' toads? Because I didn't make } you any. Oh, alright then. You can have it well BSE'd for all I care. } The sooner the better. I can go anywhere I dam' well please. If you } drug and bind me first. If *I* drugged and bound me first. No. } You don't have a car. I don't have a car either. This carpooling } business is becoming something of an obsession with you, isn't it? } I often ask myself that question. The Pythia, the Vestal Virgins, } John the Baptist, the Dalai Lama... you know, the usual crowd. } You haven't asked me the woodchuck question yet. It's a matter } of principle. Oh, alright then - it's really a matter of small, } irritating furry animals that really ask for it. } } } } Never felt better. Decidedly. No, it's inherited. Deadly. Deadly. } Look, if you're going to start asking for second opinions then I'm } not talking to you anymore. I think you think you're joking, but I } know better. No. You're developing a stammer. Believe me, it can } be worse. Evidently, you're one of the few people on the planet not } to have dated Lisa, if you have to ask. No, actually that makes *me* } feel really good. } } I see you've returned to the subject of Gillian Anderson dolls. } Lisa's time of the month. Lisa would kill me. Put like that, I } don't like the odds. Mail order catalog. Aha, so this is what you've } been leading up to all along, is it? One's not enough now, eh? No, } I told you, you're a born loser. Read - my - lips! Be reincarnated } as Andre Agassi. Because you haven't even died yet. My god - you } really are Andre Agassi! } } It's that hamstring injury playing up again. No, I was just kidding } - you're not really Andre Agassi. Every time. Easy as falling off } a log. Remember all those Gillian Anderson dolls I just bought you? } Six-love, six-love, six-love. Not in the general scheme of things. } Not to me it doesn't. Yes, if you had been Andre Agassi, or even Pete } Sampras. Aha, I see you've finally got to the root of the problem. } Can you really picture five years of Bob Dole as president? Can you } really picture another five years of Bill Clinton as president? } Primeval sludge. You parent omitted to tell you about the birds and } the bees then? Nowhere fast. Hell in a handbasket. Sure as god made } little green apples. Any minute now. No, I was kidding - sometime in } the next three millenia. Because of the fall of Communism. I keep } wondering that. Because I haven't ZOTted you yet. Probably not. } Watch me. I wouldn't advise you to try. About as effectively as a } hedgehog could stop a juggernaut. Come to think of it, please try. } Probably. Only if they can get the gloves to fit. He's hoping } that if he stays in the public eye long enough he'll get a date with } Princess Di. The mating season isn't over yet. Lack of judgement. } Lack of ability. Clumsily. Utter and complete lack of judgement. } Follow the instructions in my step-by-step guide, which can be } purchased at any good bookstore for a mere $34.99. You're gullible } enough. The instructions are designed to be comprehensible to a } mildly retarded Neanderthal. Because I told you to. Because the } last thing you want to do is get on my wrong side. Pay you??? } You blackmailer - just because I haven't managed to sell one yet! } Alright - $34.99. I can't find my wallet. Drat, I remember now - I } gave it to Lisa. Your life's savings. $34.99. Yes. Past experience } suggests not. "It's highway robbery." Not if I was within earshot. } Not if I was within earshot. Not if I... are you going deaf again? } No - what you do with your Gillian Anderson dolls is strictly your own } business. You don't have to - I already know, you dirty little beggar. } Definitely not a Gillian Anderson doll - try a selection of midwestern } roadkill instead. Looks like your roadkill was a bit too fresh. } } } } Hah! Didn't think I had it in me, eh? Never doubt a deity, supplicant! } } Hang on a minute. One, two, three... I missed one! Oh yes, here it is. } I didn't answer the "What the hell?" at the end. Ah well, you were } anticipating the answer to that one all along anyway, weren't you? } } >> ZOT << } } So now you also know how spam's made. --- 834-10 67hy* 4.2 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh wise, magnificent, splendid, too-cool-for-words, > always-in-thright-place-at-the-right-time Oracle: > > What if Data (from Star Trek Next Generation) were Microsoft Windows > compatible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead. } } PICARD: On screen. } } [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each } only a single pixel wide.] } } PICARD: Data, what's wrong here? } } DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video } memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select } a lower resolution? } } PICARD: Make it so. } } [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square } pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan } warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space } Invaders.] } } PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans. } } DATA: Aye, sir. } } [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, } and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons } on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of } light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.] } } WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain! } } PICARD: Shields up! } } DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your } last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before } you issue your next command. } } PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want } those shields up *right now*. } } DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your } last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before } you issue your next command. } } LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. } } [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the } floor.] } } DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to } cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this } communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any } information sent by the Romulans. } } [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.] } } PICARD: Shields... } } [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all } the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts } from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away } from the console.] } } PICARD: Up, Data! } } DATA: Aye, sir. } } RIKER: All decks, damage report! } } WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be } unconscious. } } [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and } punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the } hourglass back on the floor.] } } DATA: Shields are now up, captain. } } PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead } Romulan ship. } } WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.] } } PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action. } } DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver } installed for that console. } } PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one. } } DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril. } } PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants? } } RIKER: I left them with Geordi. } } LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them! } } PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal } memory? } } DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right } nostril. } } PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1. } } DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? } } PICARD: Abort! } } DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? } } PICARD: Well, fail, then! } } DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. } } [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship } lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side } of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming } from somewhere else in the ship.] } } LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing? } } PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data? } } RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold } for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person } wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized } in industrial control robots. } } [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all } the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a } few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the } console, absolutely motionless.] } } PICARD: What's going on? } } LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a } General Protection Violation in the warp engine core. } } PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do } anything with them. } } [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in } full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a } Ferengi, appears moments later.] } } FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, } Captain? } } You owe the Oracle a little model of the Enterprise, with an "Intel } Inside" sticker on it. --- 833-06 78kyR 4.0 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David R Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need your help . I'm I need your help. I'm > new to the Internet , new to the Internet, > and have never used the and have never used the > Oracle before; I know Oracle before; I know > how easy it is to fake how easy it is to fake > e-mail messages, and I e-mail messages, and I > was afraid I'd get a was afraid I'd get a > reply from some phony . reply from some phony. > > The recent government The recent government > attempts at taking attempts at taking > over the net, and over the net, and > control ling what we controlling what we > see, hear and think, see, hear and think, > smacks of McCarthyism smacks of McCarthyism > to me, and looks like to me, and looks like > a threat to free speech a threat to free speech > in cyberspace . in cyberspace. > > Is this true , Oracle ? Is this true, Oracle? > Will future generations Will future generations > say that we held on to say that we held on to > decency, but gave up decency, but gave up > liberty? Or by then liberty? Or by then > will it be too late? will it be too late? > Will there be n o one Will there be no one > who understands what who understand s what > liberty means a nymore? liberty means anymore? > > I get cross-eyed just I get cross-eyed just > thinking about it. thinking about it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, in view Dear supplicant, in view } of you unfortunate eye of you unfortunate eye } condition, I shall also condition, I shall also } write stereoscopically. write stereoscopically. } } I know, I know, this I know, I know, this } Net.indecency hysteria Net.indecency hysteria } we're currently having we're currently having } to endure is a pain in to endure is a pain in } the butt, isn't it? the behind, isn't it? } Jesus, there's always Jeepers, there's always } been porn on the Net, been naughtiness on the } just like there has in Net, just like there has } the real world. You want in the real world. You } to see naked hooters? want to see unclad } Just walk into any chests? Just walk into } goddam newsagent. And any atheistic newsagent. } how do you like the And how do you like the } bloody nerve of one sanguinary nerve of one } country thinking it can country thinking it can } tell the rest of the tell the rest of the world } world what it can and what it can and can't say } can't say in electronic in electronic communications? } communications? Can the Can the } frigging US government US government stop an } stop an Australian Australian calling a New } calling a New Zealander Zealander a sheepmolest^H } a sheepshagger if that's ^H^H^H^H^Hworrier if that's } what he really wants to what he really wants to } do? do? } } Hey, you know there was Hey, you know there was } even one of those even one of those intellect- } cretinous parental ually challenged parental } control filters recently control filters recently } that blocked Socks's that blocked Socks's } cruddy White House page encrusted White House page } for kids, because the for kids, because the } smutty pussy used the unclean private parts used } word couples to describe the word conjoins to describe } people like Bill and people like the President } Hillary? (Hah! As if and the First Lady? } Bill ever restricted his This kind of } of crap will ensure that number twos will ensure } the whole thing sinks that the whole thing sinks } under a tidal wave of under a tidal wave of } derision. Hell, your derision. Heck^H^H^H^H } kids learn far ruder Gosh, your kids learn far } words than couples at naughtier words than } school. Perhaps those conjoins at school. } geniuses in your Those geniuses in your } idiotic Congress should wonderful Congress should } legislate about what legislate about what } can be said in the can be said in the } playground, too. playground, too. } } Still, I understand Still, I understand } your fears about your fears about } freedom of speech on freedom of speech on } the Net, and sympathise the Net, and sympathise } with them. As an with them. As an } immortal, however, I immortal, however, I } have the advantage of a have the advantage of a } long-term perspective, long-term perspective, } and so I can assure you and so I can assure you } that I've seen all this that your government is } sort of thing before, only thinking of your } and it all blows over in welfare. You must trust } time. Repressive regimes your government. Your } rarely last more than a government knows what } century, often much is good for you. Those } less. Those smegheads in s } Congress think they know in Congress know that } what's good for you they are what is good } better than you do for you. They love you. } yourself. This is They want you to be } typical of the right- happy. They don't want } wing paternalism that you to worry your head } grips the Republican about matters you don't } party generally -- hence understand. But to do } all the whining on about all this, they need your } children, of course. complete obedience. } They want to treat you That's not too much to } all as children -- so ask, is it? We can't } much easier to control have people rocking the } than adults. And what boat. Not if we're to } with the resurgence in rebuild a law-abiding, } religious fundamentalism God-fearing America } as a backlash against from the ruins left by } the liberalism of the those pinko subversives } 60s and 70s, not to of the 60s and 70s. You } mention millenium fever, want your children to } they now think they've be safe. You want to be } got some sort of moral safe. You want us to } mandate for their heavy- look after you. You know } handed tactics. you do. } } But bear up, supplicant. But we noticed that you } Things are not as bad as used words like McCarthyism } they could be. Okay, so and liberty to imply that } we're undergoing a you were disapproving of } brief return to the your elected government's } days of McCarthyism. sterling efforts to protect } What you have to do is you from yourself. You must } keep saying to yourself: guard against Unamerican } "This country is still thoughts like these. Keep } a democracy. Come the saying to yourself over } elections, I'll see who and over: "Every day in } has my true interests every way I am getting } at heart and vote better, and more dutiful, } accordingly." And they and more trusting, and } know it. In the end, more obedient." You can } it's you who controls do it. You will do it. } them. Hang on to that And in the end, you'll } thought -- you'll feel feel better for it. } better for it. Or else. } } As this is your first As this is your first } time, you don't owe the transgression, Big Brother } Oracle anything. Please forgives you. Next time } feel free to call again it'll be a visit to the } anytime. room full of rats, buddy. --- 847-10 17rzF 4.0 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The other day I was walking home, when a brilliant flash of light > caused me to turn and cover my eyes. When I looked back at where the > light was, I saw a charred piece of paper fall to the ground. It may > be of interest to you-- > > (it appears to be a page from somebody's diary) > > " > August 17th, 1996 > > I'm going to try to write about this as calmly as I possibly can, > considering what's just happened. As far as I can tell, every city on > earth has been destroyed in a nuclear armageddon, something beyond my > wildest dreams. I've looked on the Temple of the Internet Oracle, and > even it has been destroyed. I can' > " > > The scrap ends there. > > What does this all mean? What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } July 17, 1996: Supplicant has exeprience described above. Reads note } and decides to contact the Internet Oracle vie email. } } July 20, 1996: Supplicants email message interecepted by CIA. } President is alerted. An emergency meeting of the Cabinet is convened. } It is agreed to place all arms of the National Defense on full } super-secret alert. } } July 25, 1996: Alarmed by intelligence reports of US activity, Russia } goes on full scale alert as well. In private meetings, tensions } between the two countries rise. } } July 31, 1996: China goes on full scale alert } } Aug 1, 1996: Israel and India go on full scale alert. Nato forces } mobilize in Western Europe. } } Aug. 3, 1996: Iraq threatens Israel with retaliation if Israel } continues military mobiolization. } } Aug. 5, 1996: Internet Oracle constructs time travel jet to escape } upcoming armegeddon, of which he is fully cognizant. } } Aug. 9, 1996: Arguing factions of Russian inner circle create } heightened tensions and bring conflict even closer. } } Aug 10, 1996: Chinese forces mass on border with Russia. } } Aug 11, 1996: CIA informs President Clinton that charred piece of paper } surely must imply certain armegeddon and that there best sources } indicate it will come from with in Russia. President waffles on } telling the public. } } Aug 14, 1996: Hard Copy breaks the news of tensions between nations } brought to the brink of worldwide destruction. Country-wide panic. } } Aug. 16, 1996: Internet Oracle goes to sleep, Lisa inadvertantly sets } clock alarm for 8 pm instead of 8 am. } } Aug. 17, 1996, 7:51 am EST: Renegade Russian submarine Captain launches } his missiles against Western Europe. } } Aug. 17, 1996, 7:54 am EST: Western European forces retaliate. } } Aug. 17, 1996, 8:01 am EST: Everybody launches whatever they have. } } Aug. 17, 1996, 8:15 am EST: A sleeping Internet Oracle is awakened by } a hysterical Lisa. They overslept...again. They hop in the jet and } take off. Lisa begins to write in her journal, describing the } landscape: } } August 17th, 1996 } } I'm going to try to write about this as calmly as I possibly can, } considering what's just happened. As far as I can tell, every city on } earth has been destroyed in a nuclear armageddon, something beyond my } wildest dreams. I've looked on the Temple of the Internet Oracle, and } even it has been destroyed. I can only pray that mankind will somehow } continue on from this tragedy. If only that supplicant had never sent } that email this could have all been avoided. } } Aug. 17, 1996, 8:18 am EST: The Internet Oracle's jet reaches time } warp speen at exactly the instant it is destroyed by a missile. Pieces } of debris are scattered throughout time. Some going as far back as 2 } billion years, others only a month. } } You owe the Oracle a, forget it, what difference does it make, we're } all gonna die. --- 846-04 0arBx 3.9 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You know what I hate? > > RICH PRICKS And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As a matter of fact, I did know that. That's my job. } } You're new to this, aren't you? Well, this is how it works: } *you* ask the questions, and *I* supply the answers. Think you } can manage that? Let's try it then. } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > You know what I hate? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } Corduroy pants. Body piercing. Boyzone. Dirty fingernails. } People telling you to have a nice day. People telling you to "Enjoy!" } their Web site. People starving in a world of plenty. White shirts } with little thin pink stripes. Cars with "Colonel Bogey" horns. } Garfields stuck to car side windows. Bumper stickers detailing their } son's college grades. Phone-in help desks. Voice mail. On-hold } music. "Funny" ansaphone messages. In fact, almost anything associated } with telephones. Sun-dried tomatoes. Monosyllabic supplicants. "Me } too!" posters. Little yappy dogs that have to be carried everywhere. } Jim Carrey. White socks. Bugs Bunny socks. Musical socks. } ESPECIALLY musical socks. Men with hairy toes wearing sandals and } no socks. Thermal cups at service plazas. People who drive pickup } trucks when they don't have to. Beavis and Butthead. Charles and Di. } Micro$oft's imminent conquest of the Net. Cascades. Jim Carrey. } The way how, when people arrange the snacks for a party, they always } mix the cheese-and-onion potato chips in with the salt-and-vinegar } ones. Smurfs. Barbershop choirs. The thought of Nicole Kidman playing } Mrs. Peel in the film of "The Avengers". Supplicants who don't grovel. } Supplicants who ask the w**dch*ck question. Supplicants who don't } grovel AND ask the w**dch*ck question. The word "Jurassic" used to } describe anything other than the middle bit of the Mesozoic Era. The } word "loser" spelled "looser" (it should, of course, be spelled } "AOLuser"). Jerry Adams. Newt Gingrich. Baseball caps worn the wrong } way round. Joggers. Skateboarders. Roller bladers. In fact, anybody } with little wheels attached to their feet. Fat women in leggings. Fat } men in Bermuda shorts. Thin men in Bermuda shorts. JuVeNiLeS wHo } ThInK wRiTiNg In AlTeRnAtInG cApS iS cOoL. The Taster's Choice/Gold } Blend couple. Bras that pull your breasts up under your armpits. Any } and all references to "Mission Impossible". Any and all references to } "The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy". This terrible pain in all the } diodes down my left side. Those watches that double as calculators, } address books and nuclear magnetic resonance spectrographs and spend } all the time beeping as their owners play with them. Jim Carrey. } } Hang on a minute - this is a list of what *I* hate! See what you've } done, you've got me all confused! Let's try it one more time. } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > You know what I hate? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } RICH PRICKS! } } You owe the Oracle an end to this feud between you and Mr. Pricks. --- 847-05 4eppH 3.8 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 'Twas brillig, and the slithey toves > Did gyre and gymbol in the wabe; > All mimsy were the borogroves, > And the mome raths outgrabe. > > "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! > The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! > Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun > The frumious Bandersnatch." > > He took his vorpal sword in hand; > Long time the manxom foe he sought. > Then rested he by the tum-tum tree, > And stood a while in thought. > > And as in uffish thought he stood, > The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, > Came whiffling through the tulgey wood > And burbled as it came. > > One-two, one-two, and through and through! > The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! > He left it dead, and with its head, > He went galumphing back. > > "And hast though slain the Jabberwock? > Come to my arms, my beamish boy! > O frabjous day, callooh, callay!" > He chortled in his joy. > > 'Twas brillig, and the slithey toves > Did gyre and gymbol in the wabe; > All mimsy were the borogroves, > And the mome raths outgrabe. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'Twas the zillionth time the slimy hordes } Did spam and mailbomb all the Net; } All drooled-on were their keyboards, } And their earlobes were wet. } } "Beware the Newbie dork, my son! } The cluestick bait, the one trolls catch! } Beware the mailbomb jerk, and shun } The ludicrous MAKE MONEY FAST." } } He took his kernel source in hand; } Long time a compromise he sought. } Then sent a packet on public band, } And ruled the radio LAN as root. } } And as in hackish glee he grinned, } The Newbie dork, asshole aflame, } Came whiffling through its login prompt } And burbled as it came. } } kill -9, rm -rf, and sed and sed! } The dork's account went *plonk*! } He left it dead, and went to bed, } And slept peaceful as a monk. } } "And hast thou burned the Newbie dork? } You really pulled it off?!" } That ISP's security } Wasn't even tough. } } 'Twas the zillion-and-oneth time the slimy hordes } Did spam and mailbomb all the Net; } All drooled-on were their keyboards, } And their earlobes were wet. Date: Sat, 24 Aug 96 19:39:36 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #853-08 Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Furry Oracle, whose car I am not worthy to drive off > a cliff, > > I've been thinking of starting a flamewar. Preferably me > versus an entire Usenet group, as I excell at that. I > plan to find some great, busy, *unmoderated* group that > hasn't had a good solid flamewar in over a year. I will > then read the FAQ, and take special note of what not to > do, preferably something the entire group is probably a > little sensitive about. Then I will make a post or series > of posts that totally break the rules of the FAQ. When > people start to complain, I will tell them that they > *obviously* don't understand the FAQ. If it appears that > the arguements starting to go to E-mail, then I will make > a series of *new* posts, designed to lure as many newcomers > into the flamewar as possible. You would think that after > a while people would start ignoring me, but believe me, > I'm experienced in these areas, and it never happens. > Before long, the entire newsgroup has descended into chaos. > > So, Orrie, all I need now is a newsgroup I can do my work > in. Would you be so kind as to suggest one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Might I suggest microsoft.public.netiquette? Here are some helpful } topics you might be able to use. } } Dole for President -- Perot for Vice President! } } Where can I get a free Internet connection to the WWW? } } WHAT DOES THE CAPS LOCK KEY DO IN VISUAL BASIC. ITS ON MY } KEYBOARD AND ITS NOT IN THE MANUAL ANYPLACE I LOOKED. } } Netscape doesn't work any more. How come/ } } The government is putting secret bugging devices inside your hard } drive to see what you're doing. I opened mine up (there are a lot } of stickers about "warranty void" that they put on there just to } keep you from looking) and I found a tiny gadget inside that } records everything you put on your hard drive for the GOVERNMENT! } } Who's in charge of this bbs, and is he really a millionaire? } } Any hot babes want to talk dirty to me? Call 1-900-555-1212. } } This bbs sux big time. Are there any others? } } Perot for President -- Bill Gates for vice president! } } This is a test message because my modem is broken. } } I saw a newsgroup last week that was talking about making a new } newsgroup. Which one was it? } } What's a cascade? } } I only bought Windows 95 because it's supposed to make my } computer work just like a Macintosh. But I can't get MacWrite to } work. How come? } } If you don't like my messages, then you're obviously just } harassing me because I'm a woman. Also, I'm into girl-girl } action, so if you can send me any pictures or gifs that would be } good. } } How do you put sounds onto your web pages? I'm using Visual } Basic, if it matters. } } Bill Gates for President! (I was just kidding about Perot.) } } How can I post messages here? Answer by email because I can't } read this group. } } How can I fix my email? Answer here in the newsgroup, because I } think my email is broken. I asked this last week and I still } haven't gotten any answers. } } I'm using Oracle version 7. How do I make a new database? It has } to have places for zip codes. } } How can I get a cool anonymous address like g. t. } ? } } Can somebody please send me Windows 95? I think I erased my CD. } It was an accident. } } I want to make a new newsgroup to talk about Kurt Cobain. I want } to call it microsoft.talk.about.kurt.cobain. What do I do now? } } You people are making Jesus very sad. } } Last week you told me how to turn off call waiting, but now } nobody can call me when I'm on the WWW. What did I do wrong? } } How can I get my own email address? Write to me at } username@localhost. } } Quayle for President! Four more years! } } Does anybody know how to use the DELTREE command? I was fooling } around with it yesterday, and now my computer won't start, so I'm } using a friend's. But it doesn't work on his, either. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of marshmallows and some sharpened sticks. Date: Wed, 27 Jul 94 08:39:52 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #667-04 Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, purveyor of culinary delights and > owner of the official sausage, please help me > solve my cuisinary quandary: > > A few weeks ago I found an old Prussian recipe > book hidden away in a trunk in my attic. The > book seems to be a collection of recipes for > wild fowl. I have already tried the Mallard > Schnitzel. It was excellent. > > I am now ready to prepare the next dish, a fowl > sausage. The book explains that is similar to > a bratwurst, but, of course made from wild birds. > I went out and shot a goose and a wild turkey, > and need only one more bird. > > Oh Oracle, where can I find a tern for the wurst? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The manuscript which you describe is older than you think. Its } origins date back to the Holy Roman Empire, in 1521, the year Charles } V called Martin Luther forth to answer for his 95 Theses. Luther not } only converted a great many in that assembly to his teachings, he } also shared his love for poultry and best recipes for preparing } birds. Luther's tips were recorded for posterity by the scribe who } kept the minutes of that famous meeting, of which you have discovered } a partial copy. To answer your question, the proper technique for } capturing uberlandseawingen (or the Rhone tern) may be found in the } full notes of that august body, the Diet of Worms. } } Of course, the secret to preparing luftwurst is not the freshness of } the bird; rather, it is the herbs with which you season it. Luther } took his hints from the book of Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3, which would } also later inspire the Byrds to sing: } } "To everything there is a seasoning...tern, tern, tern." } } Naturally, Luther had his own preference of herb, which soon became a } tradition. That is why, even today, you will hear luftwurst referred } to as the Wurst of Thymes.