Age When I turned 21 I thought my life was over. I was supposed to be a man, No longer a boy.   I was paralyzed with the fear Of future obligations And the absence of play.   It took a while But after a few years I learned how to play And not be overwhelmed by obligations.   Now With each succeeding year I get a little younger inside.   I learned how to play But a particular terror remains: Will I grow up to be A creepy old man?   I go to parties. And meet people much older than me. They seem very interested in me. But not so interested in each other. It makes me uncomfortable.   I came out of The Closet About four years too late. The gay boys in college Who most attracted me Were busily schtooping each other And never really Noticed my existence.   I feared I was a creepy old man at 23.   It wasn't till I turned 34 That someone would call me boyfriend For my very first time. He was 24.   Five years passed before a second would. He was 22.   I'm living in a time warp. Always feeling like I've fallen behind in my life.   Now I'm turning 40. Feeling 23 inside. I do not yet look my age But I still fear becoming A creepy old man.   I go to parties. I am very friendly. To people younger than me.   I get uncomfortable from the advances Of people older than me. But I don't want younger people To get uncomfortable if I do the same thing. I'm not being fair. Just truthful. Or maybe just too fearful.   I clutch the memory Of elder gay men I have met With their adoring boys. They're not creepy, And they never apologize For who they are And what they feel.   Can I be my real age And have my real desires? Can I follow my heart Wherever it may lead? To true love         without shame         without fear         without illusion         or triumphalism?   I have my doubts.

	14 February 2000 revised 13 March 2000
	by Bill Cattey