Quotes from the ALPHA SF/F/H Workshop for Young Writers, 2004

"Emily, your music makes our feet happy." - Julie

"Goodnight, Honorary Woman man!" -Leen

"I think more people are harmed each day by emotional crashes than satellites falling out of the sky, and, you know... hitting their heads." -Leslie What

As he (Mike) was being distracted horribly and complaining:
"You might as well take the skirt off if you're going to try and critique." -Sky
"Nah, it's actually kinda comfy." -Mike

"I just imagined a little refridgerator in your vagina... full of a bunch of old eggs." -Julie (as [Jill] was talking about how people eggs get sucky as we age)

"I sarcasm." -Julie

"I don't want to be infertile. Stupid cell phones." -Julie

"You guys are sitting there licking your hands at each other. ...And my hand." -Jill

"Oh, you have nail clippers?! Can I borrow them? They're so much better than my Swiss army knife for cutting holes in straws." -Carl Fredericks (who r0x the s0x)

"Don't cross a tengu during that time of the month!" -Jill

"His shoes are filled with empty!" -Leen

"Eileen, she called me you!" -Jill

"And if they want a cover letter with a -- CHIPMUNK! CHIPMUUUUUUNK!!" -Leen

"Deep in the dark mists of time, once upon a long time ago..." -Ann Cecil

"Don't! Don't! Nu-mooooooooooo!" -Jill

"We all wake up. I mean, most of us." -Carl Fredericks

"Lend me your ears -- I'll give them back to you with interest." -Carl Fredericks

"Hi, you smell pretty." -Julie

"Foot, foot, foot, foot, foot." -Julie

"Obi-Wan Kenobi bites the wrong end of a lightsaber plate." -Thomas

"We're all living in a jar of Tang." -Thomas

"Oh look! I'm stepping over a threshold! I'm responding to a call! Hey, there's a mentor over there!" -Emma, on the classic "hero's quest" plotline

"Metaphors are a great way to avoid drug use." -Thomas

"Oh my god! It's a group of writers... who are all writing!" -Leen
"Well... now we've stopped." -Em, as everyone looked up to stare at Leen

"Let's say I throw an electron. They're very hard to catch." -Carl Fredericks

"Telephone poles can be very fast." -Carl Fredericks

"I am enjoying your shoulder." -Jill

"..And I have no idea where to go from here, so I'll drink water and stall." -Wen Spencer

"And then there's a big fight and a lot of people die!" -Wen Spencer

"I have an embarrassing story about complete sentences and dialogue." -Thomas

"She overdialogues tag," said Mike.

"People here take me seriously so often -- I don't get it." -Thomas

"Ignorance is bliss." -Drew
"Yes, it is, you get to avoid a lot of bad fanfic." -Lindsey

"So what did you think of our impromptu concert?" -Emily "Awful. ..ly good!" -Thomas

"They're so full of typos and horror-ness." -Sky

"I don't get blocked, I get complacent." -Paul

“The habit smells like feet?” Julie

“You can have a sexy writer’s tummy as well as the legs.” Jill

“My laptop feels violated.” Jill

“Are they going to kill us if we are not finished?” JILL
“No, I hope not, or else I will be dead.” SHANNON

“I am in all caps.” Shannon (in response to [Jill's] typing the above quote)
“You are a capital person.” Jill

“I just wrote ‘foresty area in the woods’.” Shannon

“Snrting ppoprocks would hurt.” Julie, as misspelled by Shannon at 2:30am

“You sound like an old man without his dentures.” Jill

“No pokie!” Jill

“I can announce that I have a plot, and I bounced it out of people.” Shannon

“I realize he was doing it to annoy me. Well, not so much annoy as scare-to-death me.” Thomas

"First, the ending." --Ken

"Monkeys, zucchini, and babyslappers. What else does anyone need?" --Mike
"EMUS!" --Emma

"Writer Slash Editor." --Paul

"Hit your audience and dodge the cappucino!" --Wen

"They can call me at 5 AM in the morning." --Lindsey

"They're cuter than us!" --Mike

"The Brazilians are gone, the vomit's cleaned up, the hot sex is over, and I'm going to bed now." --Wen

"What's that? It looks like Elvis." --Lindsey ([Emma] think[s])

"Go awa--did you bring me any presents?" --Tammy

"PUBESCENT IRRADIATED PIRATE STARFISH!" --lots of people

“I’ve read ‘dirt skin’ three times.” Julie

“You’re going to render yourself infertile. You see, it’s an alien plot. All the batteries have radioactive material that will render the user infertile. Their going to take over the world by making over ninety percent of the population infertile so we’ll slowly die out and they can take over and enslave the remaining population and turn it into an agrarian society.” Julie

“You have a very balancable-onable head.” Julie

“Agee-geh-guh!” Jules

“No, it’s ‘geh-guh’.” Julie (watching someone type the above quote)

“I’m upstairs.” Shannon (while downstairs)

“My eye fell ouuuuut.” Julie

“I don’t know what I’m doing, but it’s fun to make you see funny faces. Er, wait...” Julie

“Why did that happen?” –Jill
“I’m bored. I throw things at people when I’m bored. They usually don’t tend to be sharp objects.” –Thomas
“Yes, that could end badly.” –Jill
“It could also begin and middle badly.” -Thomas

TAMMY QUOTES:

"If all else fails, I can talk about my iPod!"

"I'm the sort of person who makes cheesy jokes in hospitals."

"No more revolutions for me. It just sucks."

"I've frightened you all into submission. This is good."

"When she told me it was Disney, I said, 'Meg, take the money and run.'" (about the Princess Diaries movie)

"..and in the movie, she's all 'Makeover! Whee!'" (still on the Princess Diaries)

"I come back, I fall over, I go to Canada for a week."

"I call this, the highly scientific method, Noodling."

"Whenever I got bored with talk, my other characters could just go out and kill something." (on why Allie is difficult)

"You do it for the fans, who, if yout tell them some of the things you would change, look at you like you've just shot their pony." (on wanting to rewrite already published works and how to deal with it)

"I don't care what you tell them, as long as it's not the truth."

"Everybody's got the post-lunch snoozles."

"Well, there was this guy David Wyatt and I wanted to have his baby and how he's in England illustrating Terry Pratchett!"

"You pathetic, little wimploids."

"I have gotten a stigma, and it grates my cheese."

"It's early, I had to drink the evil beverage." (coffee!)

"I didn't know you could do those things with sheep."

"Questions? Slumber?"

Hi, person I don't know that I just slept with!"
- Kass to Cassie, upon waking up

"I like wine. I was raised Catholic."
- Megan

"You're cheating on your fake girlfriend with your brother! How low is that?"
- Ade to Zan

"Ow! Your toes are digging into my cellulite!"
- Megan to Ade (during the fight-in-the-dark)

"I like my drinks like I like my men: with little swords sticking out of them." -Ade

"My muse is a Gothic Victorian librarian, and my editor is Al Gore." -Shaun

"Random acts of interior decorating." -Shaun (?)

"He's basically got an expiration date on his forehead." --Slade, on Harry Potter

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity, and I'm over it!" -(not credited in my notebook, but [Sarah's] guessing it's Joe)

"So if you were going to write this story, where would you start?" -Paul
"In my room, typing on my computer?" - Leen

"She's a respected literary writer, and actually a good one as well." - Thomas

"I think George Lucas has a transcendent brilliance that is above four year olds." - Thomas

Thomas (to Sarah): Also, I keep getting these horrible stomach cramps. Which are also your fault.
Leen: Don't tell me you got him pregnant again!
Sarah: I take it this happens often?
Thomas: Twice, so far.

Sarah: But that's the point of spawn! Spawn just kind of spontaneously spawns!

Mike: I have dreams about babies.
Emma: Do you dream you're a baby, and David Barr Kirtley is slapping you?

(After [Sarah] had collapsed laughing on the floor from the way the vending machine spit out quarters.)
Thomas: Is it really that funny when I do this? (starts spitting quarters at me)

“Your shoe is bending very easily--is there anything in there?” - Julie

“Ew, why would you want to be sane and stuff?” - Leen

“The whole boiling, seething mass that is a plot.” - Caitlin

About rain:
“See, this is how you tell writers from normal people. Normal people use notebooks to cover their heads. We use our bodies to cover our notebooks.” - Julie

“I will guard it with your life.” - Leen

--- a lot of the following were from the night of making "Tammy for President" t-shirts ---

“Wait, why are we having sex?” - Leen

“Help, Julie’s trying to rape me.” - Leen
“Not again....” - Thomas

“If it’s a boobmonster, it’ll be about here.” - Leen, talking about shirts

“Now that’s realistic dialogue.” - Leen, referring to the “why are we having sex” quote

“’Tammy’: bigger than I have it or not?” - Leen
“Yes.” - Julie

“‘O’s being circular is generally a good idea.” - Julie

“I have Tammy on my boobs!” - Leen
“You have ‘for’ on your boobs, not Tammy.” - Julie

“!” - Joseph

“I love my boobs.” - Leen

“I so rarely have boobs.” - Leen

“Wait, and we’ll all pull it down... er, take it off...” - Leen

“Your president kind of slipped down below your boobs.” - Jill

“Yours looks good and yours looks good, but my president’s down here.” - Julie
“You picked the wrong president.” - Leen

“We avoid lactating purple and then we’re fine.” - Leen

“Don’t let your president slip below your boobs.” - Jill

“She’s erasing her boobs.” - Leen

“I.” Jill, in what sounded like the beginning of what would have been a fascinating thought.

“Julie, take off your shirt and we’ll do yours next.” - Leen

“Hello me. This is my boob. It is flat.” - Leen

“We should have a special section. It can be called ‘boob night’.” - Leen

“Tammy’s bleeding.” - Leen, referring to a shirt

“Most animals are naked unless their owners are perverse.” - Leen

“Is it skipping?” - Julie
“Your period?” - Leen

“It makes me happy too. It also makes me itchy.” - Jill, referring to music

“You’re stroking my laptop.” - Jill

“You make it sound like I’m snarky by nature or something.” - Thomas

“This is the room of womanly love.” - Leen

“Leen. Lane Leeeaaaeene.” - Thomas

“I suddenly just lost all desire to name that character Rick.” - Em

“I wouldn’t want to kiss a boy who smoked. Or a girl who smoked, or anything else that smoked.” - Leen

“It will be a good indication of how we feel about being invaded.” - Leen

“I like how you can go to bed but not really go to bed.” - Jill
“I’m going to bed.” - Julie
“You said that ten minutes ago.” - Jill

“You chucked the chuck.” - Jill
“I did chuck the chuck.” - Julie

“Come on. You tell me we haven’t done enough groping of each other.” - Leen

(In response to foot-licking related program activities)
“And the best part is, nobody can quote that.” - Leen

“A lick-footing chipmunk?” - Julie

“I call this three-in-the-morning syndrome.” - Jill

“I shave when I begin to feel like one of those sexy bondage bears that Edwin had.” - Leen

During Wen’s talk on why you need to not be smelly at cons:
“You should not smell.”
“What is that smell? --Fantasy writer.”
“Fantasy writer musk!”

“Is ‘smelly’ really spelled S-M-E-L-L-Y?” - Shannon
“Yes. You quote yourself on that one.” - Leen

“Not knowing how to spell smelly is also three-in-the-morning syndrome. Just so you know. Like skipping over words and stuff.” - Jill

“Oh, if anybody wants, I have a frisbee with me.” - Shannon
“I have a hackey sack.” - Jill
“I have band-aids, and tweezers. And nail-clippers.” - Leen

“Enjoy your pee.” -- Leen, to Julie

“’Tonight’ meaning sometime before breakfast.” - Shannon

“What is it with Alpha and bleeding purple things?” - Zoë

“It’s a boobie on my ear!” - Jill
“No, it’s just my bra and it goes squishy-squishy-squishy.” - Leen

“You type, me type, we’ll finish.” - Jill to Shannon, at 1:10am

“You look like you’re giving birth.” - Julie

“First I’m going to critique the schedule.” - Leen

“We’re just kind of organizing a rebelliion, don’t mind.” - Jill

“I will innocently pee and tell her where we’re going.” - Jill

“It’s peek-a-Shannon.” - Julie

“My head is dizzy on top.” - Julie
“What about the bottom?” - JIll

“Where is the cappy-bobber-doodley-head?” - Julie

“If you’re going to put a bowl on my head, do it properly.” - Thomas

“It’s kind of hard to comment on dead silence.” - Thomas (There was a string of related amusing quotes begun by this, but [Shannon doesn't] have them written down.)

david: so like, prague is one of the few places where you can buy absinthe
liz: oh, so they make it in france?

liz: the neverending story is a book?!

david: i like how 'ghetto' can be either a good or a bad thing

david: wanna go hang out by the pool?
liz: why do we hang out by the pool? what's so special about it?
david: well, i'm sorry, maybe in southern california pools are everywhere. but here in pittsburg they're a novelty

liz: people think gangs are all glamorous and stuff. but they're not! they commit crimes!

liz: wait, so was it really written by an autistic kid?

liz: wait, am i missing something?

david: i like how you pull your collar up when you're contemplating doing something you know you shouldn't

david: have you heard of this salad? it's world famous

liz: pole dancing is really hard! it requires a lot of strength!

david: you said that with such authority

liz: can you do me a favor and hold your fork CORRECTLY?
david: well, how should i hold it? you mean, like this? this is stupid

liz: what's the appeal of saying your full name?
david: i don't know

liz: david barr kirtley!
david: see? now you're doing it too

david: so he called and said, 'tell my wife and kids i love them'
liz: (starts laughing)
david: wait, what's so funny about that?
liz: it was like he was going to die
david: well, he DID die. the truck rolled down a hill. why do you always laugh at death?

"I had a certain outburst of voice." --Drew

"Marco Island: Where the dead still drive." --Julie, quoting somebody else

"I love the chamber pot." --Drew

"If only we could have been something cool, like Hitlerjugen." --Lindsey

"What are the deeper motivations of the flower?" --Bobby

"Being dead is sort of...not useful." --Ann

"Fathers die in England too." --Caitlin

"You have no idea how much mashed potatoes get shot out the nose at that table." --Caitlin

"Everyone loves psychopathic killers." --Susanna

"Creating an atomic bomb is actually really easy." --Joseph

"Devour books; you are what you read." --Carl Fredericks

"My sister honked." --Joseph (talking about funny laughs, people; get your minds out of the gutter)

"It was a humor story, and I still managed to kill off all the characters." --Sarah

"There's no Times like the present." --Carl

"...and there was a bulldozer on top of it!" --Wen Spencer

"I think Rhode Island needs a high-stakes poker lounge." --Paul

"You must eat. If you don't, there will be nothing left for us to love." --Skytasha

"I'm not really a prostitute!" --Emma

"I want to lock her in the attic and feed her chocolate." --Caitlin

"I'm used to dressing people." --Joseph

"Babies don't seem like time-vampires because they're cute." --Bobby

"I'm covered in book dust!" --Skytasha

"equal-opportunity harpies" --Tamora Pierce

"I'm special, dammit!" --Shaun

"I love baby food." --Lindsey

"I think I invented fire once." --Julie

"What's 50 times 200?" --Paul
"Something really big." --Drew

"I had a really hard semester and I got a C because I didn't breathe." --Caitlin

"It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't talked them into moving the vacation Bible school up." --Ann

"the wrath of God in wet form" --Cassie

"Teenage Mutant Pirate Turtles!" --Emma
"Cowabunga, matey!" --Thomas

"Chocolate milk is my heroin." --Cassie

FROM CONFLUENCE:
"Oh my God, it's a sign from God: Be a podiatrist." --Megan

"I kinda want to be a religious zealot so I can go around stabbing people with cool things." --Nora

"I spent a week there one day." --Joseph

"Monday I plan to spend dead." --John

"We'll push for you in the staff meetings. It's like Congress, only more cutthroat." --Emma

"Hi. I'm from Ellinois. I drink melk and I sleep on a pellow." --Cassie

"Is it a bad thing that as soon as I thought 'How cool, he's speaking Russian', I understood what you were saying?" --Cassie

"Emma, we're just not manly men." --Mike

"Tamora Pierce is my parrot! And Peter Pan and Sky-the-Vampire-Babe are my cabin boys! How great can life get?" --Emma

"Dude, Skytasha, we're going to strip you naked and leave you in the bushes and run away with your clothes!" --Slade