-------------------------------- The Voice Of God I thought I heard the voice of god I thought I heard a voice from heaven Saying "stay tuned for details at eleven I'll be back with weather and news" I thought I heard the voice of god (She thought she heard a vision) I invited friends over to eat hear (They watched the television) Just in case saved and savior should meet here To talk about their common views For a moment There was a shadow on the wall But my cousin down the hall Said it was only Elvis Only Elvis Get out, Elvis, get out We were waiting For a miracle to seize us But if I know our Jesus He was stuck behind his big fat (Big fat, Big fat) Stuck behind his big fat friend Oh Elvis Fat Boy Elvis Thanks a lot Elvis I thought I heard the voice of God I thought I heard the second coming But couldn't tell with Elvis humming If there really was a vision in the den But I figure he can always come again -------------------------------- Men and Women I knew a boy who said that loneliness would kill him Until he met a woman who could only give him pain I knew a girl who said no love could ever fill her Until she met the only man her soul could not contain They were married in the summer And they honeymooned in Europe And they settled down near Denver And they hardly said a word They had two point seven children And a palace in the suburbs And their's is the saddest story that I've ever heard I knew a boy who said that happiness was lethal Until he met a woman who could cut him down to size I knew a girl who thought that every man was evil She sorted through her suitors with a venom in her eyes They were married in the winter And they settled in the city And they worked 'til they were tired And they always seemed to fight But when no one else could hear them They would swear their love forever And whisper through the passion everything's all right Men and Women love each other Men and Women try so hard Men and Women wander freely Armed and deadly On their guard Men and Women fool their neighbors Men and Women rule the world Men and Women, movers, shapers Men and Women, boys and girls I knew a boy who said that love could never find him Until he met a woman who would claw her way inside I knew a girl who said that love would never blind her Until she met the only man the darkness couldn't hide So they were married for a while But they parted in September When she saw that he was changing And he knew she wouldn't die But she thinks that he'll remember And he knows that she'll forget him And they still feel they were wrong to say good-bye Men and Women cling together Men and Women sing off key Men and Women wince at incest Prince or princess on their knee Men and Women sagging shriners Men and Women flags unfurled Men and Women, braggers, whiners Men and Women boys and girls He was a quiet man The neighbors seemed to love him He always smiled at the children passing by No one could understand What demons came to shove him When he pulled the trigger When the chainsaw started Was it hard to figure Was he broken-hearted Did the neighbors marvel At the sudden silence Did he hate to carpool Did it lead to violence When they close the curtains And they hide inside Do they know for certain If he lived or died Men and Women stoop to conquer Men and Women stoop so low Men and Women filled with doubt They scream about what they don't know Men and Women host and hostess Men and Women social climb Men and Women fill the churches Still the urges, kill some time Men and Women take their places Men and Women make some noise Men and Women, well-scrubbed faces Men and Women, girls and boys -------------------------------- Doug At His Mom's Doug leaves his bride to be on early Sunday morning To take the train to spend the holidays at home Doug takes his briefcase and a bag of dirty laundry He takes her photograph So he won't have to be alone Doug reads the paper as he rumbles through the country He sleeps and dreams about the girl he left behind She packed a sandwich should he happen to get hungry She packed potato chips So he'd enjoy the trip Doug, Doug on a mission Doug, Doug on his own Doug, Doug on a visit Doug, Doug going home Doug sees the future as the train pulls in the station A friendly smile from the family Chevrolet Doug greets his father with a sense of trepidation They take the long way back They hit the cul-de-sac Doug, Doug prays in silence Doug, Doug plays the pawn Doug, Doug sees the driveway Doug, Doug sees the lawn Doug wipes his forehead Doug, Doug dries his palms Doug, Doug at the doorway Doug, Doug at his moms. Doug's Uncle Sid comes out To pinch a cheek and bend an ear Come set the table Doug His mother yells for all to hear Go find a tie to wear and Why don't you cut your hair and So tell us Douglas will you ever find a real career Doug's father shakes his head And talks of girls instead Doug greets the guest And takes their coats up to his parents room Doug checks the pockets Then he goes back to the dining room The door bell rings and then Doug checks some coats again Doug tries to smile In the face of such impending doom Doug sees his fall from grace In every cousin's face Doug, Doug starts to feel the heat as Doug, Doug counts the chairs Doug, Doug knows the children have To eat their food downstairs Doug, Doug sees his mother's smile Doug, Doug walks the lonely mile Doug, Doug hears the grown-ups Doug, Doug passes time Doug, Doug wants cloth napkins Doug, Doug wants some wine Doug reads his placemat Doug, Doug feels so calm Doug, Doug in the basement Doug, Doug at his moms Doug leaves his family and rides his ways to freedom He'll feel the safety for at least another year Doug knows his fiance is happy just to greet him She knows his work is done He's such a faithful son Doug, Doug feels religious Doug, Doug is alive Doug, Doug is ambitious Doug, Doug will survive Doug lets his hair down Doug, Doug on his own Doug, Doug on the rebound Doug, Doug coming home -------------------------------- Womb for Rent Womb for rent Womb with a view Nonsmokers womb For one or two No pets allowed No alcohol No questions asked No southern drawl A private door Come as you are Like father did In a glass bell jar Womb with a heart Waterfront home Old world charm For chromosomes Christian types Who bends the rules Don't quote the Pope About genepools When the bough breaks The cradle will fall We'll get there quickly Checkbook and all Womb for rent You bring the tube I've got this womb I'll never use A bargain price With wear and tear Out going type Some one to bear Land of plenty Fertile land Balloons are free At the kool aid stand A place to dream Of outer space To grow two arms Two legs, a face A faceless one A parent's joy A sexless girl A voiceless boy I will be delivered I will be I will arrive and be counted alive I will be delivered I will overcome I will overcome this I will overcome what has been done I will be delivered Womb for rent No kickers please No rock and roll Varieties No nausea No allergies No psychopath Enquiries A dream cottage A quaint escape A quiet street To contemplate A place to feel The ocean floor To ride the waves Onto the shore A parent's prize A human race With Daddy's eyes And a stranger's face When the bough breaks Just give us a ring We will appear at Your christening I will be delivered I will be I will arrive and look in your eyes I will be delivered I will overcome I will overcome this I will overcome what has been done I will be delivered In a sterile room Just the two of you With a bare light bulb Father and Miss June Nailed against the wall In a pin-up pose Someone knocks at the door But you're indisposed Womb for rent Womb with a view Non-smokers womb For one or two A place to dream Of outer space With Daddy's eyes And a stranger's face -------------------------------- K-Mart You found the road to heaven No matter which direction Across the intersection You feel the open door You got a nose for stores Here in a town that shares And everybody stares At everyone who cares About the shopping wars The bible belt pulls tighter Or it's the flat-land fever That makes a true believer Out of a child wife Who seems to love her life She keeps her man alive By having what it takes To carve a man-sized steak With just a butter knife And any back yard preacher with a barbecue Can show the shortest route with just one hand So every Sunday fool who strayed from Sunday school To clean his swimming pool could understand That it's a common future The calm before the storming The lines are always forming The signs are always clear There's not a trace of fear If there's a blue light blinking The parish pawns aren't thinking They've replaced the cleric With generic beer We're all the same We've all be planned From coast to coast We like to boast There is most certainly A K-Mart close at hand We make a stand Live day to day And if we need another stray part There will surely be a K-Mart on the way And there are school yard dealers In towns the maps forgot You place a call and psychic healers Put out all their psychic feelers In the parking lot And when the pavement's hot If you can hitch a ride You go to buy ad infinitum Touch and try out every item Just to stay inside And any loser with a licence And boozer with a cause Will be anything but lost Every town is just the same It it's Broadway or it's First Street Or it's Main Street or it's Church Street The only thing that's different is the name We live forever We get to play It is our destiny that calls In Texas twangs and southern drawls And when they tear apart the malls The K-Marts stay We foot the bills We show no fear And when more settlers come our way Start making plans for extra K-Marts over here And the churches were all empty And the city streets were cleared With all God's speed For the Lord will lead all humans To the store where all consumers Go to feed He'll take the stranded from their driveways Down the endless business highways On the path of least resistance To the neon in the distance K-Mart, K-Mart, K-Mart You've got that TV smile You saved another dollar Another brand name scholar Who's got a box of wine You read between the lines You made it through the aisles Until the bargains stop You'll take the cart and shop Right up to closing time We aim to please We never stray From start to end We recommend That everybody learn to spend the K-Mart way We've got our pride We're well defined And when it comes the time to pay Smart people head for any K-Mart they can find We've seen the light We're not alone And any start that's half awake Jumps in the car and goes to make The K-Mart home We've on our knees We're well behaved And when it comes to judgement day Smart people know that all the K-Marts Well be saved -------------------------------- Bedroom Eyes You say You love me For now For certain You say Whatever You think I want To hear You say that It's now Or never If not Forever At least We're here You say It's nothing Like true Romances It's true Romance is Not all It's said To be You say that We take Our Chance Maybe The chances Will fade Away It's all one liners It's "How much better can you do?" It's wine and diners It's one for all and all for you You say You love me That much Is easy You say You'll please me That's all You want To do You say that You'll take It easy It's not The worst thing That we Could do You pull no punches You need the damsel in distress Who'll play your hunches Who'll be a virgin more or less You'll spring for candy You'll have some secrets to confess You'll pour the brandy And pull the body from my dress You lead me to your bedroom I can see through your bedroom What do you do with bedroom eyes You open wide your bedroom I see inside your bedroom Don't try to hide those bedroom eyes Bedroom Eyes You say You'll leave me Some day With sorrow You say Tomorrow The world Might be Destroyed You say that You'll beg Or borrow So that Tomorrow Might be Enjoyed You choose the places So luck is always on your side You tie your laces To get a look at what I hide You make suggestions You toast the color of my eyes You show discretion When you've exhausted your supplies Why do you show your bedroom I think I know your bedroom I'll never go with bedroom eyes I heard about your bedroom I'd never doubt your bedroom I'll live without your bedroom eyes You wink, I wonder What is he trying to sell You think I'm under Some kind of magical spell You shave, You shower It's such a packaging ploy You crave the power That comes from being a boy What do you say to bedroom Just put away your bedroom I'll never stay with bedroom eyes The end begins with bedroom You'll never win with bedroom I won't look in your bedroom eyes -------------------------------- Midas Touch How many hearts have you broken How many men have you lost How many times have we spoken When I couldn't get the point across How many times have we stood here Waiting for your prince to arrive How many shoulders to cry on Does it take to keep the dream alive How many tears have you tasted How many drinks have we shared How many nights have been wasted 'Cause you thought that there was no one there How many times will you call me Looking for a little relief How many nights will I wait here Smiling in disbelief You go home to your lover I go home to my room You go home to discover I you've spoken too soon I will wait in the window 'Cause there's nothing that I can do How many times have I wondered How many years it would take 'That you'll see the delusion you're under That you wouldn't make the same mistake How many times must I watch you Throwing all your secrets away How many men will it take you To save them for a rainy day You go back to your lover I go back to my home You go back to recover From those evenings alone You can choose where you find me I'm so use to being on my own And I feel like I'm lost in the middle Just a little bit caught in the crush Watching you working Searching for the Midas Touch And with all the perfect strangers Who are vying for attention You will learn that nothing changes 'Cept the names you have to mention There is safety in the numbers There is safety being sure That there's a safety net below you That will save you from the cure And the only real advantage In returning to the fold Is the words you take for granted And the shelter from the cold You will back away until you're Facing someone more familiar Who will fill your dreams of loneliness With promises of gold You'll go on with your lovers I'll go on with the fight You'll go under the covers Just to stay out of sight I will be there like a shadow 'Cause I'm so tired of saying good night Why would you choose Someone who loves you too little Over someone who loves you too much° Leaping and lurching Searching for the Midas Touch Leaping and lurching Searching for the Midas Touch -------------------------------- Folk Song Take and E chord Then an A chord Then an E chord Then a B (with a seventh) Take an E chord Then an A chord E's a very Special key If an E chord's Used with caring It can lead towards Something rare 'Cause an E chord's Never daring No an E chord's Always fair Leave the writing to the writers Leave the singing To the ones who can sing Leave the fighting to the fighters Put a pad lock on the old six string Take an E chord Played with feeling That's an E chord Filled with pride 'Cause an E chord's Not revealing And the E chords Never hide Please don't sing. Please don't sing Please don't sing another folk song I've heard them all before You've heard them all before If your part is On the keyboard Then the E chord's A special sound And when your start is With an E chord Then the E chord Comes around Leave the strumming to the strumming Leave the sing-alongs For those with no shame Could the folks be any dumber Can't they see that they're the ones to blame Please don't sing, Please don't sing Please don't sing another folk song They sound the same to me They'll sound the same to you If a C chord starts the chorus Could a G be far behind If an F chord doesn't bore us Need the G be redefined See a G chord is frustration When the F chord intervenes But a D chord's modulation Is the best chord we have seen Take and E chord Then an A chord Then an E chord Then a B (with a seventh) It's the E chord And the A chord That makes E A special key -------------------------------- Family Restaurant For a pork chop and a malt For a cheese dog and a can of orange crush For a host of smiling faces For a smoking swollen waitress you can trust Where kids burp out their orders And they armpit-fart for quarters And parents curse them underneath their breaths A place where corn fed cattle meet their deaths Where you take what you can get Where you close your eyes, you pinch your nose and pray Where the meat on plastic dishes Looks as sav'ry and nutritious as the tray A time for I-love-you-ing And give thanks for what you're chewing We never place an order for ourselves The waitress serves up something for our health At the restaurant, The Family Restaurant Home is never really very far You find yourself among the salad bar At the restaurant, The Family Restaurant A chance to understand your history Where Beef is King, Mom's Queen, And Kids Go Free While the muzak sets the mood Mother sings along with Mitch or Mancini While the waitress draws on eyebrows In the places where she thinks they used to be Where the subtlety's not tasted And a lot of words are wasted And the waitress let her hairdo go to far While the dog is quickly cooking in the car At the restaurant, The Family Restaurant People say exactly what they mean Living in a sunset magazine At the restaurant, the Family Restaurant A place that uses Mother's recipe Where Beef is King, Mom's Queen, And Kids Go Free Velveta It's on everything that you can buy It's Velveta It's the spam of the cheeses, It's sure to appease It's Velveta Just the name brings the tears to my eyes It's Velveta It's like cheese with a perfect disguise For a cobbler and a tart For a sherbet that the waitress recommends For a Shirley-temple toast To the chefs we like to think of as our friends Filled with nausea and the knowledge That there's money left for college For the price what more could any family want We'll be faithful to our family restaurant At the restaurant, The Family Restaurant A place to find out what your family thinks Among the pork and beans and wienie winks At the restaurant, the Family Restaurant A place to learn about your history Where Beef is King, Mom's Queen, And Kids Go Free -------------------------------- Julie Andrews High on a mountain side Somewhere in Austria Maybe it's Switzerland It's hard to say I see the woman She runs through the meadow She's crying in anguish She's turning away Oh God...oh...oh...God I think it's Julie Andrews Julie...Julie Andrews Maybe we should call somebody Maybe we should put her out of her misery Julie...Julie...Julie...Julie.. -------------------------------- Another Fat Song See the huddled masses cower in the corner While the people of position eat another pie See them calculate the calories and categories Counting up the carrots as the world goes by Everyone remembers all the really fat and ugly women Dancing with each other in the high school gym And everybody's read about the fat guy in the Guiness book And wondered what the hell was really wrong with him Look at all the chubby cheekers Checking out the chocolates While the people with the money do the fat boy dance Totally dumbfounded well endowed and so well rounded Crying out how they're the victims of a circumstance All the wealthy women who have recently discovered They could satisfy a lover with diminished girth Try to keep the secret but then ultimately leak it When they speak about the heaven that is here on earth There's a whole new breed of surgeon Fully armed with suction guns Hired by some health food virgin Tired of the fat farm fun No one's had the nerve to weigh her No one's seen a curve for years She can pay to see her layers disappear See the dietician losing by the hour While the people with the power take away her job See her mutter at her California cutter While he builds a perfect woman from a perfect slob Why should someone worry about eating in a hurry When the caramel and the curry can be cut away Why not stuff your faces If you know that there are places That can just surgically erase your every milky way See the rich girl fire her trainer See her tuck away her thigh See them make a vain girl vainer As they suck her body dry See her smile for the camera Hear her thank her lucky star They would kill to watch her fill the jelly jar See the upper crusters drawn and quartered See the plastic people rioting It's not exactly what the doctor ordered But so much easier than dieting Stick a needle in the fatty tissue Stick a needle in the derriere No one else could take a social issue Turn it into such a fashion fair See the kid who's been so totally insipid He's been saving up the lipids for a rainy day Thinks it kind of funny that some hypodermic honey For a little bit a money drains the past away Everyone who's phobic about being anaerobic Can endure the mock heroics of the surgeons' grind Every tofu hater can revert to steak and taters If he knows that sometime later he'll be redesigned See the girl who swallowed fingers Showing off her appetite Knowing there's some nut to cut out every bite Pinch a fistful and you've wrung the curtain Pinch a fistful and your lover's gone Why be wistful when you know for certain There's a blissful way to carry on Stick a needle and it's hello sailor Stick a needle and it's hello friend Send some business to your human tailor Spend the means to buy your perfect end Slip the tube Into the sack of suet As you pass the fluid with some tenderness Greet the future With a single suture As you roto-root your way to slenderness Stick a needle and you quit the fat boom Stick a needle and you quit the gym Join the people with the human vacuum They will keep you looking fit and trim Stick a needle and it's good-bye pressure Stick a needle and it's good-bye thighs Everybody needs a drastic measure Every body can be cut to size -------------------------------- Taking The Kids To Disney World If I see another smile I would lose my self restraint If I walk another mile That would surely make me faint There are people out there screaming Tugging on a sleeve all afternoon Why is everybody screaming Can't they think of something else to do We were out there on the freeway And we thought that we'd try something new Give the kids a little leeway Thinking that they might enjoy the view Why are children always nauseous Why do siblings always start a fight Nothing worse than being nauseous Could it be another form of spit We took all our savings And we'll take lots of slides We followed our cravings As we swallowed our pride We're taking the kids Taking the kids Taking the kids to Disney World We'd been on the road for hours Thinking that we'd love to turn around 'Cause the weather looks like showers What time to be Orlando bound And the kids were getting restless Which, of course, had put us in a funk Why are children always restless Maybe we could put them in the trunk We stocked up on patience And we locked up our pets We turned to the faces That we yearned to forget We're taking the kids Taking the kids Taking the kids to Disney World Maybe we shouldn't be picky Waiting around for Mickey Probably off having a quickie (Mickey and Minnie are mouses in lust) Everyone knows that he's tricky Probably slipped her a mickey Wearing white gloves 'cause he's slick He's strictly a mouse that you never could trust But Mickey Mouse isn't so meek He's on the front page of the weeklies Hanging around with some sheik He's less than a man but He's more than cartoon He handles the folks so uniquely No one gets more than a peek See everything's clean and squeaky At the riki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room We were terrorized this morning Riding It's A Small World After All And there should have been a warning Parents must have lots of alcohol There's a woman in a rat suit Tell me does she ever get a breath Always stuck inside a rat suit Scaring all the children half to death We battled the tollway While they straddled our laps We scolded the whole way As we folded our maps We're taking the kids We're taking the kids We're taking the kids to Disney World As the sun was slowly sinkin' We were clearly ready for the end Still we liked the talkin' Lincoln But not enough to ever go again Everybody bought the mouse ears Even though we tried to play it smart Nothing cuter than the mouse ears We wear them like the travelers' purple heart We're taking the kids, Taking the kids Taking the kids to Disney World -------------------------------- Me and Mrs. Middle America We go to the bank We run to the cleaners We hop on a bus It takes us back home We set out the plates We get out the dinners We're making a fuss We're making it warm We loosen a tie We mix a martini We say our goodnights Tuck everyone in We crawl into bed We shut off the TV We're closing our eyes We're dreaming of sin Me and Mrs. Middle America Separate sleepers on separate sides Me and Mrs. Middle America Middle American husbands and wives We wake up the kids We make up the breakfast The family sits It's family time We mix up the Tang We pick out the doughnuts We shake up the kids They're running behind Me and Mrs. Middle America Beaming at babies for most of our lives Me and Mrs. Middle America Middle American husbands and wives What's the agenda for me and the Mrs. Just passionate kisses and passive restraints It's so delicious the way that the Mrs. Dismisses her worries and hides her complaints I like the Mrs. at family Christmas When family dishes are left for the night Family visits mean Mrs. and sis Will persist in resisting their usual fights We go to the mall We go to the movies We shine up the shoes On Saturday nights We go to the club We go to the alley We turn off the news We turn on the fights Me and Mrs. Middle America Snapping our towels and flapping our thighs Me and Mrs. Middle America Middle American husbands and wives Me and my honey We're watching our money We're losing gin rummy And gaining some weight Isn't it funny How me and my honey Are equally chummy With people we hate Me and the Mrs. We both know what bliss is It's mistletoe kisses And wishes come true We're never suspicious Not me and the Mrs. We both know that this is The best we can do We go to the job We go to the meeting We say that we'll vote But never quite will We stay on the phone We threaten the beatings We send in a note When somebody's ill Me and Mrs. Middle America Tentative travellers with plenty of slides Me and Mrs. Middle America Middle American husbands and wives Me and Mrs. Middle America Mother's Day doilies and Father's Day ties Me and Mrs. Middle America Middle American husbands and wives -------------------------------- Big Chihuahua The world is a big chihuahua That's been put in the microwave Someone forgot when you cook chihuahua You have to poke holes or You've ruined a perfectly fine chihuahua -------------------------------- Woman With A "Y" (Womyn) Jesus was a women Jesus must have been a woman Only women really suffer Only woman know such pain Helen Reddy was a goddess Even though she was Australian She acted like a goddess When she started her campaign Adam was a asshole Adam must have been a asshole 'Cause he couldn't satisfy The only woman in the place Eve was certainly devoted As he plundered and persisted Never thought if she resisted She could save the women's face And as Adam demonstrated As he blindly penetrated Eve would simply had to take it lying down She just couldn't see the trappings That the men had under wrappings Still they blamed her And they ran her out of town Get the man out of the woman Get the man out of mankind Take the man down from the mantle Leave the manful talk behind While the man are on maneuvers Let the mantras fill the sky Make the world a place for women Woman with a "y" Mary was a martyr Mary must have been a martyr 'Cause her God in all his wisdom Wouldn't look her in the eyes So he took her and he left her With some jackass in a stable While he boasted of the conquest To the other holy guys So the man takes his position With the woman in submission 'Cause the bible says That's how they do it here So the woman falls from favor All because some horny savior Showed that men could come just once And disappear Take the man out of the woman Take the man from manicure You can take the man from manger You can leave him in manure While the men are being manly Leave the man-o-wars behind Make the world a place for women Women with a "Y" Intercourse - We don't have to have no Intercourse - An activity we can't endorse We don't need to multiply Intercourse - It's a law they simply can't enforce We are more than just y hobby horse We are women with a "Y" Take the man out of the woman Send the man to Mandalay While the men are trying to manage Throw the manacles away While the men are stuck on manhood Find a man to crucify Make the world a place for women Women with a "Y" -------------------------------- Making Fun of Foreigners Sometimes there's a morning When the streets are almost silent I walk slowly, I walk slow And with nowhere left to go I head out without protection Just to try to make connection with the flow There streets are always pretty And I like to hit the city And go window shopping, I go window shopping And the streets are always empty And I'm never even tempted When I'm window shopping And the stores are never open And the folks are walking blind And I've come to know the neighborhood I'll never leave behind Oh I never feel the danger When I come across a stranger If he's twice my size, then he's twice my size And I'll ask for a direction Just to see my own reflection In his sleepy eyes There's a wind that blows the papers There's a pile at my feet It's an early morning barrier To anyone I meet You can join me in the darkness You can watch me from the car There's a lot of peace and quiet in the air tonight And we'll be making fun Making fun of foreigners There's a lot of time for dreaming When the sidewalk isn't teaming And I'm window shopping, I go window shopping And the discount stores are warring And the gutter men are snoring And I think of stopping, but I'm window shopping There's a lot of secret pleasure When a stranger takes a dive And the traffic turns the corner And the city comes alive And the misery love company And the tempers sometimes flare You can see the troubled faces in the morning light You can follow close behind me We can travel half awake And we'll be making fun Making fun of foreigners I can lose myself in street lamps They've been swallowed by the twilight And I look the strangers right between the eyes I've got nothing else to do when I'm alone All these wonderful distractions right at home Sometimes there's a morning When the streets are almost silent I walk slowly, I walk slow And with nowhere else to go I head back with no direction Having made a new connection with the flow Making fun, making fun of foreigners -------------------------------- Send My Body Home Now I lay me down to sleep Pray the Lord my soul to keep If I should die before I wake Please send my body home I don`t like Virginia I went there in the winter There were good ol` boys in T-shirts With a case or two of beer And though I didn`t show my fear I could tell that there was danger in their eyes And these people in the country Look a lot like one another Just like maybe they`re related To everybody here And though I didn`t get too near Well, I think that I can generalize There are people in Virginia Who I know are educated And I`m sure they hardly notice These Neanderthals on wheels I don`t like Alabama I was there when it was raining And these good ol` boys in Chevys Leave their mufflers back at home There were chickens in the gutters There was murder in the drive I was not the first to utter Let me make it back home dead or alive Don`t let me die here If I should die here Don`t let me lie here Out here alone Don`t let me die here If I should die here Don`t say good bye here Send my body home I don`t like the Dakotas `Cause there aren`t any people An occasional oasis And some stupid tourist traps And though I kind of liked the sunsets I could tell that they were always the same And these people in the desert Are the same as all the others Saving up for indoor plumbing With an outhouse in the back There`s a dinner bell that`s ringing And the kin folk will arrive And you know I`ll break out singing If I make it to the border alive Don`t let me die here If I should die here Don`t let me lie here Out here alone Don`t let me die here If I should die here Don`t say good bye here Send my body home There`s a cousin in the bathroom There`s a cousin in the stable There`s a cousin at the window Who`s emotionally unable To be anything but dazzled When the family assembles And he works so hard at counting All the cousins he resembles And the man who drove the tractor Must have done a bit of drinking When he ran into the neighbors Just to score some extra points He was tryin` to hit some pigeon Who was tryin` to survive And you know I`ll find religion If I make it to the suburbs alive Don`t let me die here If I should die here Don`t let me lie here Out here alone Don`t let me die here If I should die here Don`t say good bye here Send my body home -------------------------------- Isaac`s Lament He walks over to the window And without a hesitation he goes out I walk over to the window And I see him hit the sidewalk like a trout With a moment`s indecision I can almost see him moving Then I see the splattered pavement And I feel it`s almost soothing `Cause I know he didn`t suffer Any more than was the norm He lived life the way he found it And he left it true to form He was standing by the TV When I saw his eyes roll upward in his head I came over to the TV Just to find out what the anchorman had said With a little human interest And some filler for the waiting They were speaking of replacements And a failure in the ratings And my friend looked pale then paler As his body lost his breath And I listened and discovered What would send him to his death Oh Gopher, Gopher`s being fired Contracts have expired Love has been retired Buried out at sea Every afternoon in college He`d sit down and pour himself another brew Just as soon forsake his knowledge For an hour`s entertainment with the crew With a tub of buttered popcorn And a can or two of soda He gets sucked into the program Like he has to make some quota `Cause he knows what`s gonna happen `Cause he`s seen them all before And the endless double takes Just make him want it even more Oh Isaac, Isaac`s over tired Julie`s been unhired Love is uninspired Sinking in the bay The Love Boat Love Boat`s dropped it`s anchor Bought out by some banker Hired out as a tanker Drifting far away Oh Aaron Spelling you`re a genius No one could have seen this Running all these years (Won`t you tell us) Aaron, where`d you get the notion Love upon the ocean Blazing new frontiers When he heard the sad decision There was sorrow and confusion in the home He turned off the television And he came to his conclusion on his own With a sigh of desperation He gave in to his depression He went out to greet the concrete Where he made his last impression And the papers want a statement `Cause the public wants to know Was it just the cancellation Of a favorite TV show The Love Boat Love Boat`s slowly sinking Vicki`s started thinking Merrill has been drinking One more for the road The Love Boat Love Boat has been grounded Doc is still dumbfounded All aboard`s been sounded No where left to go -------------------------------- In It For The Children Sometimes at night We almost speak We almost speak In friendly terms Sometimes at night Sometimes at night We go to sleep We go to sleep In separate beds Sometimes at night Sometimes at night We take our places at the table In the morning with the family And our faces are as innocent as lambs` Sometimes at night When no one`s there When no one`s there We lose our minds Sometimes at night Sometimes at night We leave our problems in the bedroom At the office, when the family`s gone And our obligations lead us to the grave We`re only in it We`re only in it We`re only in it for the children We`re only in it We`re only in it We`re only in it for the children Sometimes at night We speak our minds We speak our minds And no one hears Sometimes at night Sometimes at night We watch the tube We watch the tube And curse our fate Sometimes at night Sometimes at night We never give in to temptation Never striking when the family`s there `Cause we live in constant fear That we`ll be seen We`re only in it We`re only in it We`re only in it for the children We`re only in it We`re only in it We`re only in it for the children We`ll take the family on vacation When we think we need a change And we`ll cease the accusations with a smile There`ll be no reconciliation When the kids are out of range And we`ll lose the affectations for a while Sometimes at night We grit our teeth We grit our teeth And try to dream Sometimes at night Sometimes at night We spare the rod We spare the rod To spoil our lives Sometimes at night Sometimes at night We know exactly what we`re doing And we`ll hide it from the family fare And we`ll act like nothing`s wrong Until they`re gone We`re only in it We`re only in it We`re only in it for the children We`re only in it We`re only in it We`re only in it for the children -------------------------------- Suzy She works from nine to five She gets her take home pay She goes to buy some clothes To wear another day She`s got a little car That uses diesel gas It`s got a foreign name She thinks it gives her class She doesn`t cook too well She doesn`t speak too good She knows of all the men Within her neighborhood She gives them all the eye And chooses one or two To buy her little things And have a rendezvous She has a rendezvous She tries to look her best She tries so hard to smile She wants them all to see She`s got a touch of style She wears a slitted dress That shows a little thigh And acts so nonchalant As she goes walking by She thinks the men are cute She likes to reel them in And tries to play it cool With just a touch of sin She makes them draw a straw To see who`ll take her out She likes it dog-eat-dog And they begin to shout Suzy won`t you come out tonight Suzy won`t you go for a ride Suzy I got tickets for the best show in town Won`t you come along and sit by my side Suzy won`t you go to the game Suzy won`t you come to the dance Suzy don`t you think that I could come inside Suzy won`t you give me a chance She`s learned to set her goals She wants an even tan She doesn`t mind her work She does the best she can She gives the men a smile They think she fools around They want to buy her drinks She wants to settle down She likes to play the field She thinks it`s just a game She knows how much he`s worth Before she knows his name She doesn`t want advice She thinks she knows it all She thinks it`s rather nice When they begin to call Suzy won`t you come out tonight Suzy won`t you go for a ride Suzy I got tickets for the best show in town Won`t you come along and sit by my side Suzy won`t you go to the game Suzy won`t you come to the dance Suzy don`t you think that I could come inside Suzy won`t you give me a chance She thinks she needs that walk She wears her dresses tight She wished she had the nerve To be alone at night She`s got her mind made up She`s found the only way She hates the pressure but She likes to hear them say Suzy won`t you come out tonight Suzy won`t you go for a ride Suzy I got tickets for the best show in town Won`t you come along and sit by my side Suzy won`t you go to the game Suzy won`t you come to the dance Suzy don`t you think that I could come inside Suzy won`t you give me a chance -------------------------------- I Want A Man I want a man who`ll wash the dishes I want a man who`ll make the bed I want a man who`s not suspicious I want a man who`s halfway dead I want a man who`ll do the laundry Vacuum the carpets, sweep the floor I want a man who knows his boundaries No one could ask for more (I want a woman who) Shut up, sit down (Yes dear, here dear? Right away) I want a man who`ll follow orders I want a man with nothing to say I want a man with no ambition I want a man with half a brain I want a man without a mission I want a man who won`t complain I want a man who`ll carve the turkey Feed the goldfish, cook the meal I want a man who`s kind of jerky I want a man who does not feel (Just a second dear I am coming Just a moment I`m on my way Can I get you a cup of tea dear Just a moment you`ll need a tray) I want a man with no desires I want a man without a goal I want a man who`ll build the fires Stir the coffee, stir the coals I want a man who likes what I like Does what I do, won`t say no I want a man who`ll always be here I want a man who`ll let me go (Just a second I`ll fix the toaster Just a moment I`ll get the door Just a moment you`ll need a coaster Let me get it, your feet are sore) (Just a minute dear, wait a minute darling Just a moment love, I`m on my way Can I get you this, can I get you that Can I get you anything at all To start the day) -------------------------------- Fat Boys (a love song) Skinny boys got nothin` To lean against in bed Bony arms and shoulders Only bruise my head And when they try to wrestle me I beat them pound for pound Skinny boys got nothing To wrap your arms around Skinny boys got visions Of god-like qualities But every time I greet one There`s nothing there to squeeze All that wasted effort All that vanity Skinny boys got visions Of immortality Something `bout those muscle bound boys Practicing their clean and jerk Oiling up their bodies for the shine Never liked those tan and lean boys Too much pressure, too much work Looking in the mirror for a sign I just want a baby-fat boy Double sized and double chinned Belly big and pillow to my brain I just want a spacious lap boy Jump right on and sink right in Loving handles driving me insane All of that extra weight All of that extra muscle to play with Gives me another reason to stay With the fat boys, fat boys Everyone cleans the plate Truly inspired the last of us lingers To sit by the fire and lick off the fingers Of the fat boys, fat boys Skinny boys are losers Who seem to try too hard But every time they talk to me They won`t let down their guard All that blind devotion All the foolish pride Skinny boys are losers With no place left to hide I don`t want no squeaky clean boys So repressed and so refined Walking like their feet don`t touch the ground I don`t want no Mama`s best boy Undeveloped, undefined Waiting for his chance to be profound I just want an overgrown boy Unconditioned, unrehearsed Fleshy body waiting for the squeeze Overweight and overblown boys Whet my whistle, quench my thirst Chubby cheeks just drop me to my knees All of that extra skin All of that extra stuffing to yearn for Gives me another reason to burn For the fat boys, fat boys Everyone wants to sin Truly discerning the last of us hovers To turn up the music and turn down the covers With the fat boys, fat boys Fat boys so massive And fat boys so sweet Fat boys to fondle and bite Fat boys to feed me Whenever we meet Fat boys to turn out the light Fat boys so ample To sample and hold Fat boys to brighten my day Fat boys so grand To manhandle and mold Fat boys to steal me away All of the extra cheek All of that extra cargo to carry Gives me another reason To marry the fat boys, fat boys Everyone takes a peak Truly determined we go through the paces We`re puffing our chests And we`re stuffing our faces For the fat boys, fat boys -------------------------------- One In A Million He was one in a million but I let him fade away with the numbers game. And he wanted to hold me, and I wanted to let him stay, but it never came up in the conversation. All I did was dream I was safe and sound in the variation on my scattered theme. And I turned around and he was gone... or never there. And I wouldn`t dare look in the closet or the hall where I deposit all my uninspired lovers who feel they must entertain while they hog all the covers like they hog all the pain.....Singing "Oh, it`s not so bad. I`ve had it better; I`ve had worse". Or "Oh, that`s really sad and it reminds me of a verse my mother told me when I was small. She used to hold me, and after all was said and done I`d fall asleep, I`d fade away - another dream, another day - I know now it all begins again; we never end" (Once upon a time, Filled with love and laughter Once upon a time, happily ever after) Now - Fairy tales disturbed me! The princes always blindly charged and left me confused. Though, I feel like I`m the one who faced the dragon - all the times I`ve been burnt and bruised by lovers saying that they`re gentle, with their minds and not their hands; who play on my emotions like the silent marching bands they heard as boys. They have to make some noise to prove they`re there. They couldn`t care about the beat, and they never think to share, `cause they could never bear defeat at the hands of someone not afraid to show them that the bed was made in open invitation to the dance. They never take the chance. "It`s not so bad. I`ve had it better; I`ve had worse". And "Oh, that`s really sad and it reminds me of a verse my mother told me when I was small. She use to hold me, and after all was said and done I`d fall asleep, I`d fade away - another dream, another day - I know now it all begins again; we never end" He was one in a dozen but I allowed him to stay for an hour or two. And he rushed to his glory just to give me his soul and his gratitude. And he called me his lover as he rested his eyes, and he dreamed of his mother like a child who cries for his feed....He never looked at me. -------------------------------- Heartache I`ll wait forever If you give me your smile I`m holding on to a dream I know I`m acting Like a juvenile It seems I`m always taking things To the extreme I`ve got a heartache I`ve got a heartache I`m always waiting For some love to arrive I only want my fair share But I try so hard To keep some damn thing alive I never seem to notice That there`s nobody there I`ve got a heartache I`ve got a heartache I don`t want to fall in love again this time I don`t want to be a victim Of your victimless crime I don`t want to go emotional dancing With someone who`s going to find Another man for romancing I don`t want to go and put my love on the line For someone who will never be mine I think I`m heading for A terrible fall I`m spinning out of control Your words of wisdom Have meant nothing at all And all that sound advice Still leaves me out in the cold I`ve got a heartache I`ve got a heartache -------------------------------- Johnny, It`s Downhill From Here Most likely to succeed President and sweater man There for all to see Drama prince and letter man Babes around your feet Sweetest talking candy man Always on the beat Errand boy and handy man Social servant, cub reporter Hot dog served with sparkling water Everything old hat Known to all the local faces Every time at bat Hitting for the extra bases Babes around the pool Ray Ban strutting perfect tanner Precious local jewel Six ball juggling social planner Fastest strumming, hardest worker Up and coming soda jerker But Johnny, it`s downhill from here Don`t you know the world was at your feet But now they`re gone And it`s suddenly clear Everything you do goes wrong Won`t you tell me what became of the fiery passion What happened to the eyes of ice blue steel Tell me that you`re not afraid to learn to feel Waiting in the wings Everything so out of reach Nothing ever clings No can do and no can teach Girls are seldom seen Only with the beg and borrow All the breaks are clean Here today and gone tomorrow Loathsome lover, lonesome loser Soapbox critic, social boozer But Johnny, it`s downhill from here Don`t you see you`re acting like the Once and future king But there`s nobody here And you can`t do anything Won`t you tell me what became of the days of glory What happened to the masses at your side Tell me that you`ve found another place to hide And Johnny I know it used to be so easy Everything you wanted was in hand All that blind ambition Only lacked the ammunition To make everyone around you understand That Johnny, it`s downhill from here Don`t you see your trigger finger`s Waiting for the call And you`re showing the fear Knowing that you`re sure to fall Won`t you tell me what became Of the fire and thunder What happened to the smile and timeless wit Tell me what it takes to crawl from under Show me that you`ve learned to handle it Does anything remain of the local hero Does anyone remember the high school cheer Tell me that you`re not afraid to disappear `Cause Johnny, it`s downhill from here TOP OF PAGE [INLINE] He Must Have Been A Genius He said he knew just what was best for me He told me things I didn`t know He said he wouldn`t ever pressure me Said he wouldn`t ever go He said he wanted to be close to me He never really left my side He said he wanted to propose to me But he never found the time Watching TV and reading papers Always thinking of a plan Something for an honest man To do with his days He had his ways He said he`d love me for eternity He said he`d never let me down He told me that he`d always turn to me That he`d always be around And he, he must have been a genius He told me so himself Every morning at the breakfast table Doing crosswords in his sleep Every evening in the dark Making love with open eyes He wrote a letter to my family He said he`d never make me cry He said he`d give me immortality And he never said good bye And he, he must have been a genius He told me so himself Every morning at the breakfast table Doing crosswords in his sleep Every evening in the dark Making love with open eyes And he, he could have been a genius I told him that myself In the morning when he looked so frightened And he couldn`t shake the sleep Every evening in the dark I forget to close my eyes -------------------------------- A Lonely Grain Of Corn I can`t go out It`s not safe They`re waiting out there for me I never go I never will Their silos want to store me I`m in the house That`s okay There`s grating on the windows Out there they roast Before they kill And eat each fibrous morsel Why go out? Where there are picnics to offend me At the core of my being Why go out? Where there are pigeons to descend And order me "carry out" I can`t abide I`ll stay inside as I was born A lonely grain of corn They pick their teeth The yellow bits Remind and further damn me Why go out It`s certain death And I`m the only grain of corn in my family I could live on the cob just as easily as they I could die with the mob In the parks and frigidares But I choose to be free Behind bars, far from birds With my husks wrapped around me to disguise And it`s really, really corny but I`ve got to be me I`ve got to be me What else can I be But what I am A lonely piece of corn Recurrent dreams Of corn fed cows Cans of salted liquids Of unfelt tears Buttered worlds Laid out on a rice bed Happy dreams Of windswept fields Virgin stalks and fresh rains Of brave new corn Undeaf ears Freedom talks for farm grains Why go out? Where I`m a dime a dozen bargain At the old farmer`s market Why go out? When in my prime a frozen giblet Is the most I can hope for I can`t obey I think I`ll stay as I was born A lonely grain of corn I can`t go out It`s not safe They`re waiting out there for me I never go I never will `Cause I`m the only grain of corn In my family -------------------------------- Boys Want Sex In The Morning Boys want Sex in the morning Sex in the morning When I`m not my best Boys want Sex in the morning Sex in the morning Tearing at my breast Boys want Someone who`s winsome Someone to pin Someone to undertake Boys want Someone to fall on Someone to crawl on Someone half awake Boys want Sex in the morning Sex in the morning Covers at my knees Boys want Rotten conditions Passive positions I am a trapeze Boys want Someone who`s sleepy Someone who`s keeping Nothing in too deep Boys want Somebody first hand Someone to burst And then go back to sleep There is nothing I like better Than a jostle now and then With the hands under the sweater And the back that starts to bend But before my eyes are open I don`t want to have to hide From a simpleton still poking With a thimbleful of pride Boys want Sex in the morning Sex in the morning Soiling the sheets Boys want Sex while I`m yawning Suddenly spawning When I`m half asleep Boys want Someone unconscious Somebody not just Waiting for a thrill Boys want Sex with surprises Sex with sunrises Someone on the pill There is nothing like a lover Who can satisfy your needs And the joy when you discover Just how often he succeeds But before my eyes can focus I don`t need him to surprise By descending like some locusts On a field of sleeping thighs Boys want Sex in the morning Sex in the morning When I`m still not fresh Boys want Something that strikes them Someone who likes them Fondling their flesh Boys want Someone to take and Someone to break and Comment on their size Boys want Someone to prod and Someone who`ll nod And then just close her eyes -------------------------------- Lois Lane If only Lois knew Clark Kent could see through her dress She would have flown to his arms And uncovered his "S" She could have torn off his trousers Discovered his tights He wouldn`t put up a fight If only Lois knew That at the time of ascent Superman blasted off And there wasn`t no Kent She would have clung to his wingspan A fly on the wall He wouldn`t let her fall But her mouth never moved And her hair stayed in place Too little magic In so stiff a face Framed in the funnies Captioned and stripped Ten cents a copy Too cheap a script If only Lois knew That Kent was light years away That in the name of Krypton He was saving the day She could have leapt on his steno In one single bound But he was never around She wouldn`t know love If it wasn`t out flying And it broke all her pencils without trying If he took off his glasses And he blew her a kiss And a windstorm ensued in Metropolis Lois was lost on the man made of granite Lost in her own daily planet If only Lois knew That at the scene of a crime Kent was not to be seen But always filed on time He always scooped up a story In super disguise She always looked so surprised He kept an x-ray eye upon her She slept alone on Loveless Lane He never sacrificed his honor He never took her on his plane She didn`t like the meek and shrinking She always thought she`d like to fly He always knew what she was thinking When she was staring at the sky She wouldn`t know love If it only went one way Taking off with her desk as a runway If he told her the truth And the rules of the order As he dressed in the phone booth And he asked her for quarters Lois was lost on the man made of granite Lost in her own daily planet If only Lois knew Clark Kent could see through her dress She would have flown to his arms And uncovered his "S" She could have had herself a layout Some news she could feel With the man made of steel -------------------------------- Silent Night My father`s house Was warm at night He used to sing me lullabies Just like his father before him always did Just like his mother would have done If she had lived My father`s house Was safe at night He used to sleep just down the hall Just like his father before him always would When he was old When times were good He found the time He found a way Piece by piece Day by day (Oh you look so pretty Don`t forget to say your prayers I will rock you `til you`re sleeping And I`ll carry you upstairs And I`ll see you in the morning I`ll see you in your dreams I will always be here when you need me) Silent night, holy night I left a light on in the hallway All is warm, all is bright I keep my visions in my hand Silent night, holy night Life goes on beyond my eyelids All is safe, out of sight I was away at school The night I heard the news That I was all alone From a stranger`s voice On the hallway phone She had to call collect And mispronounced my name And said that I should be there On the morning train There was no one to meet me And no one to take me home Silent night, holy night I left a light on in the hallway All is warm, all is bright I keep my visions in my hand Silent night, holy night Life goes on beyond my eyelids All is safe, out of sight My father`s house Is still at night I hear the silence in the walls I hear the footsteps in the halls Just like the child inside me used to do When she was scared and wide awake She had the room to keep her warm Safe from fears, safe from harm Silent night, holy night I left a light on in the hallway All is warm, all is bright I keep my visions in my hand Silent night, holy night Life goes on beyond my eyelids All is safe, out of sight -------------------------------- Enterprising Young Man Mom found dad without a penny Fell in love and went to Indiana Where they had five kids, no money They were poor but not unhappy Still the bills kept coming Both went grey - together Grandma says make sure he`s Jewish Gentile men they beat you and They drink too much and gamble Listen to me `cause I`m old I know you`ll perish if you break your faith And have no money Find an enterprising young man A doctor, lawyer or a businessman Make sure he has money if he doesn`t You`ll die hungry in bed with him With only what you were born with So find an enterprising young man So I searched each day but all I found Were struggling young men Poor like I was, very understanding Never beat me unless I asked them to Alcohol was fun together And yes dear Mom this morning When I woke up the only thing I had Was what you gave me at birth Find an enterprising young man A doctor, lawyer or a businessman Make sure he has money if he doesn`t You`ll die hungry in bed with him With only what you were born with So find an enterprising young man Only what you gave me - at birth -------------------------------- Billboard Love And the man is always smiling As he leans against his Cadillac And offers you your money back If you can beat his price And the woman`s so beguiling As she rubs against her Chevrolet And offers you some repartee And motor trend advice And the heads are always spinning As the preacher holds the pearly gate For those who feed the Sunday plate With hopes to raise the dead And the dogs are always grinning As fleas and ticks destroy their coats While cowboys feed them milk bone floats And pat them on the head And the lawns are always happy And the kids are all well fed And the neighbors are as friendly as can be And the box of fettucine Spreads the word from out the parking lots The nutriments in every box Are just what they deserve And the girls in string bikinis Chase a never ending puberty While lifeguards sitting hubrisly Blow whistles at their curves And the kids are all in college And the lawns are all well groomed And the clothes are all as bright as white can be And all the pretty people In their latex gloves Living fortified and sugar free Riding off together In billboard love That`s the only kind of love for me And the woman seems so daring As she sinfully enjoys a smoke And tells another risqué joke While other girls lament And the man is oh so caring As he sells you everything he can And offers an installment plan For just a small percent And the kids are all good Christians And the lawns are all but used And the neighbors love their coffee caffeine free And all the pretty people In their latex gloves Smoking Tipparillos by the sea Riding off together In billboard love That`s the only kind of love for me Paper smooth complexion Teeth as white as tile Malibu perfection Pepsidented smile Over sexed and over sized Popular and pasteurized And all the pretty people In their latex gloves Waiting for the weekend to be free Living life forever In billboard love That`s the only kind of love for me -------------------------------- Cheerleaders On Drugs How do they jump so high How do they flip in mid-air And spread their legs so wide And wear the skirts that they wear How do the mount each one To make their pyramids Is it the drugs they`re on These mental invalids They wear their dark sunglasses They play their games at night The players make their passes They wear their pom-poms just right The mascot sneaks inside He`s proudly overspread The game`s not over yet It`s time to go to bed It seems like they must be On drugs or just stupid They`re buoyant and busty And just plain dumb It seems like they`re brainwashed Or on anesthesia Their brain suffers weight loss `Cause how else could they cheer like: Go you Injuns Go, go you Injuns Um chagawa, um um chagawa Go you Injuns Go, go you Injuns Um chagawa, Injuns got the powah Go, G, O, go It stunts their mental growth And makes it hard to find A future livelihood Or others of their kind The marching band it seems The voyeurs in the stands The refs and both the teams Are all the raving fans for Cheerleaders on drugs It seems like they must be On drugs or just stupid They`re buoyant and busty And just plain dumb The drug interaction Could just be some teamwork Their forces and factions Make them sound like: Go you Injuns Go, go you Injuns Go you Injuns Go, go you Injuns Give me an "I" - I Give me an "N" - N Give me a "J" - J Give me a "U" "N" "S" Go you Injuns Go, go you Injuns Go you Injuns Go, go you Injuns Cheerleaders on drugs Cheerleaders on drugs Cheerleaders on drugs -------------------------------- Andrew: We have one more childrens' song for you. It's my opinion that a child is never too young to learn about Freud. Arni: This is a song about what Ashley and I would do if one day we were so, uh, lucky as to be endowed with a penis of our own.... Ashley: One each Arni: One each, that's right --- 'cause, you know, I'll share the motorhome with you.... Penis Envy If I had a penis I`d wear it outside In cafes and car lots With pomp and with pride If I had a penis I`d pamper it proper I`d stay in the tub And use me as a stopper If I had a penis I`d take it to parties Stretch it and stroke it And shove it at smarties I`d take it to pet shows And teach it to stay I`d stuff it in turkeys On Thanksgiving Day I`d rival my buddies In sports cars and stick shifts I`d shower my spire With girlies and gifts I`d peek around corners I`d aim at my toilet I`d poke it at foreigners I`d soap it and oil it If I had a penis I`d run to my mother Comb out the hair And compare it to brother I`d lance her, I`d knight her My hands would indulge Pants would seem tighter And buckle and bulge A penis to plunder A penis to push `Cause one in the hand Is worth one in the bush A penis to love me A penis to share To pick up and play with When nobody`s there I`d sit like a boy I`d straddle the chair I`d play with my fly Albeit with care I`d dip it in chocolate I`d stick it in sockets I`d stroll to the movies With hands deep in pockets I`d stick in vacuums On vacant verandahs Gas guzzling Volvos And poodles and pandas In puddles and drainpipes In doggies and ditches Pool halls and potholes And bottles and bitches Zucchinis and zebras Tomatoes, tomatoes In pineapples, pumpkins And gulches and grottos In melons and marshmallows Gloves and gorillas Slurpies and slippers Chinooks and chinchillas A penis to plunder A penis to push `Cause one in the hand Is worth one in the bush A penis to love me A penis to share To pick up and play with When nobody`s there If I had a penis I`d climb every mountain I`d force it on females I`d pee like a fountain If I had a penis I`d still be a girl But I`d make much more money And conquer the world. -------------------------------- Charlie and Me Charlie comes up from downtown Just to watch me wash my hair And he makes me tuna sandwiches To show me that he cares Charlie comes up from downtown Just to taunt me with his airs And I just pretend that he isn`t there Charlie and me go way back To a time when we were green And I don`t think he ever meant A thing he said to me Charlie, now stop your lying Or you know I`m going to leave Charlie don`t make a liar of me And it goes on and on and on Charlie and me are lovers But we sometimes sleep alone And it makes me feel so close to him Just touching the telephone Charlie, we made a bargain I don`t want to start a fight So don`t call me up in the dead of night And it goes on and on and on And Charlie will never realize The sting of his tireless smile The string of the broken promises That cling to him like a child But Charlie, I love your faces When I say that I think you`re strange Charlie, I hope that you never change Charlie comes up from downtown Just to keep me company And I don`t think he`ll ever know How happy we could be Charlie, now don`t you worry `Bout the things you never see Charlie, you`ll always be safe with me And it goes on and on and on