Buenos Aires: Denial

1) I'm entirely humble, and I think this song is probably about one of your wealthier exes.

2) I am neither a child nor an ostrich. You can do the running yourself -- I've got a gun.

3) I'm the pits, I'm Elvis on black velvet, I'm an instructor's salary, I'm waxed paper.

4) I do not hafta put him down. I can just balance him on my head like this and that will leave both hands and my mouth free.

5) I know lots more songs. That was just every song I could stand to sing while driving down the road in the rain accompanied by two hippies on a harmonica, which is not at all the same thing.

6) I am a lovely shade of blue without the least suggestion of violet. What do you think, you are what you eat? And my name is Harry. How would you feel if I called you Mr. Quarter Pounder Eater?

7) As a fighting man in the continental army, I take offence at your characterization of my brothers in arms, sir. With only a few notable exceptions, our private parts ordinarily remain below our waists. And please tell your children that our ears likewise do not reach below our chins.

8) I am hardly lost. Unlike you, I am a fine swimmer. And my shoes, I'll have you know, are a dainty size 6 1/2. Maybe you're are confusing them with that stupid love potion? In any case, sardine tins serve just fine.

9) What do you mean, it doesn't matter if it rhymes or scans? Just because I'm not composing classical music or Nobel-Prize-winning literature doesn't mean I don't take as much pride in my work as any other soldier in the war on injustice.

10) My stellar perky appearance notwithstanding, I am hardly enchanted to see you each A.M. In fact, I'm a whole lot more inclined to cursing than benediction, and that only until my untimely death, unless you stop encouraging every passing hiker to pick my flowers by nattering on about how adorable I am. You see, I'm a short-lived perennial, and while I'm extremely hardy - Hey, you have to be to live here - I can't very well reproduce if none of my flowers ever make it to seed.

11) Please do not generalize from the ridiculous claims of a few of my lazier compatriots. Just because they've got their workday down to a joke of zero duration doesn't mean we're all layabouts. Some of us put in an honest day's work -- just look at the exquisite masonry in the lovely road you took to get here. As to your special request, it would go a lot better for you if your gown were violet.

12) I've got news for you, you pathetic stalker. I've got a restraining order here, and if I catch you watching me just one more day I'm calling the police.

13) You're gonna make it to a restaurant in the Village if you're lucky. Obscurity! Which reminds me, I forget, what was your name again?

14) We have lots to live for, like, say, not hitting our heads on door jambs and biting you in the butt.

15) I can't speak for everyone else, but I have no secrets. And your simian friend is definitely up to something. And, for what it's worth, I'm rightside out.

16) Actually, I invariably get exactly what my heart desires at any time.

17) Oh, c'mon. What about all the times I treated for dinner, and the computer I bought. And I'm sure I've lent you some cash too.

18) Yes, I can. All I have to do is turn off the music and make you stop tapping your foot.

19) That's just what we want you to think with our school uniforms and cross pendants. And Billy the Kid was dead at 23.

20) I often receive much, much more than I distribute.

21) Uhm, no. I am not Coca-Cola. I'm even worse.

22) That must have been someone else. I was trying to keep you from being well known and prosperous. And you were 0-10-2 last season.

23) Speak for yourself. As I am an arthritic asthmatic, I find it highly improbable that that is the reason for my existence. And don't call me that. It might connote the love of the open road to you, but to most of us Jersey girls it just means slut.

24) Obviously you don't know them very well. My mother taps and my father plays a mean bass.

25) No, we are just the people who live here. We have no claim to represent the entire planet.