"We are very proud here," the Dean tells you, "of our scholars' many notable achievements in a variety of fields of research."

Discovering the intelligence of water (8,9)

Discovering that the information remembered by water can be transmitted by telephone (9)

Founding the Association of Dead People (6)

Developing a method for applying perfume to magazine pages (2)

Explaining the influence of ancient aliens on the development of human civilization (4)

Comparing the amounts of pain caused by different methods of execution (5)

Chemically analyzing a statue that did not attract pigeons (6)

Explaining how to live without food through "living on light" (2,9)

Discovering cold fusion in chicken eggs (2)

Founding "Stalin World" (2,7)

Establishing why toast tends to land butter-side-down (4)

Founding the Apostrophe Protection Society (7)

Carrying out research into why shower curtains billow inwards (2)

Writing an article entitled "Farting as a Defence Against Unspeakable Dread" (5)

Writing 948 papers in ten years (1)

Publishing dozens of reports on things that are annoying (8)