Embezzler's Quest

Your Office

You are sitting in your office crying, which is rather disorganized since that pesky auditor showed up and everybody started panicking. There is a metal file cabinet in the corner, an oak desk in the center of the room, and an exit to the south.

On the desk you see a red file, a yellow file, a portable shredder, some documents, and some certificates.

>SNAP LIGAMENT

That's going to be hard to do until you stand up and stop crying.

>FLOAT ON

Okay.

>DRAW MONKEY

*sniff* Okay.

>OPEN PRESENTS

Okay.

>CAUSE INTERFERENCE

Bzzzzzz!

>DRIVE CARS

Which one?

>SCULPT

Bzzzzzz!

>WAIL

This is your office, which is rather disorganized since that pesky auditor showed up and everybody started panicking. There is a metal file cabinet in the corner, an oak desk in the center of the room, and an exit to the south.

On the desk you see a red file and some documents. On the floor you see lots of white strips of paper and lots of yellow strips of paper.

>UP DAISY

Hall

This is the main hall of the financial offices of Ripov & Taksdadj, decorated with your firm's accomplishments... well, actually most of them seem to have been removed from the walls hastily. Your office and your partner's office lie in opposite directions. There is another exit to the west.

There is a desk against the east wall with a single prominent drawer.

>SELL VIDEOS

It's locked.

>IMPROVISE

You have:

A portable shredder
A key to a desk drawer

>ATTACH PUZZLE

Click.

>PLAY TENNIS

Okay.

Inside the drawer you see a book of matches, a flashlight, and an eyepatch.

>LIFT BARBELLS

Okay.

>ICKY BLEMISH

Okay.

>LEAD REHEARSALS

Okay. (You know, "TAKE ALL" would be a lot faster.)

>BE WARY

Lobby

This is the public face of Ripov & Taksdadj, where your clients wait while you stall them as long as possible. The angry-looking auditor has been waiting for at least an hour for you to present all of the firm's financial records. He is tapping his foot and his face is red. A door to the south leads to the elevators, and a passageway to the east leads toward the firm offices.

There is a round table in the center of the room with a lovely fruit basket on it.

>SWIM AT PIRANHA

"I don't have time to chat, Ripov. Bring me those records and bring them NOW."

>IT BITES

The auditor steps in front of you and blocks your path. "Am I talking to myself? You're not leaving this building until I have your records."

>FIRE POPGUN

Grammar lesson for you: "Look" is an intransitive verb. If you want to look at something specific, examine it.

>GLORIFY DEMONS

That's better. It's got an apple, an orange, and a banana in it.

>HOLY MOSES

Okay.

>SPIT FLAMES

Okay.

>TRAP QUEEN OF PIRATES

He waves it away and glares. "You can't bribe me with fruit. I'm a government official. Now get me those records!"

>IN ROME

Hall

>WE PINCH

Taksdadj's Office

This room is pitch black. You can't see anything. (Yes, I know you're right next to a well-lit hallway. Work with me here.)

>MOVE TO BEATS

You flip the switch and nothing happens. Taksdadj likes to disconnect things.

>KEEP IT DELECTABLE

Click. Nothing. No batteries, probably.

>ENJOY MUSIC

Okay.

>AHOY

Taksdadj's office is almost entirely empty.... It looks like your partner relocated in a hurry, and there is no evidence he was ever here. There is an oak desk near the window and a large window on the south wall.

You see a memo on the desk.

>YOUR TURN

Okay.

>SPIN TOPS

"To All High-Level Employees: In case of emergency, the new combination to the bribe safe is 'fraudulent.' Thanks, Accounts."

>SAUNTER AWAY

Hmmm. It's printed on the back of an invoice which indicates that you stole seven million dollars from the shareholders.

>CARVE BIRD

Bzzzzzz!

>MAKE SUPPER

Okay.

A cold wind rushes in, scattering strips of paper throughout the room.

>AT EIGHT

Ledge

You are (somewhat stupidly) standing on a window ledge fifteen floors above the Financial District. You probably shouldn't look down. The ledge ends abruptly to the west, but extends further in the other direction.

There is a friendly pigeon on the ledge with you.

>WHAT IS HUBERT

"Coo!"

>MY LION

Ledge

More window ledge. More potential grisly death below. The window into the building is open.

On a ledge just above you, there is a shiny credit card.

>WILLFUL LITTLE BRAT

It's an American Express Steel card (made of actual steel!) A line on the bottom says "Credit Limit" followed by the Gross National Product of Taiwan. As a convenient plot device, it can be used by anyone.

>SINK PURPLE BUOY

You can't reach it.

>CD CASES

Secret Lobby

This room is reasonably nondescript, apart from an open door to the north, a window to the south, and a Cyclops staring at you menacingly.

>I IGNITED?!?!?

Yes, a Cyclops. It's a text adventure, this sort of thing happens.

>VEIL OF MYSTERY

"Braaaggghhh! No one pass me without get hit hard on head!"

>SIR BENJAMIN IS SHAKING

Okay.

He thrashes about, screaming "Braaaggghhh! No can see!" You instinctively step aside as he flails past you. He moves directly in front of the open window.

>RISK TROUBLE

Okay. (You bastard.)

He tumbles down, his screaming becoming more and more distant until it is no longer audible. Well, that's that taken care of.

>YE FLASK

Inner Sanctum

This room is unnecessarily lavish, with intricate wall sconces and murals centered around a conspicuous painting of the firm's board of directors, located on the east wall. The north wall is suspiciously bare.

>TWINKLY NECKLACE

In a surprisingly irreverent move, the chairman of the board has allowed himself to be painted as a clown. Or maybe that's a large red button in the middle of his face.

>LOVE HOCKEY

Okay.

The painting automatically slides away, revealing a wall safe.

>WRAP GIFT

There's a keypad lock on it. What combination do you want to enter?

>HEADWAITER

Click. The safe swings open.

Inside you see a note and a magnet.

>JUMP HIGH

Okay.

>FALL HARD

"Sorry, I decided to take the money with me. Good luck. Jack Taksdadj. PS - I wouldn't touch the magnet if I were you."

>HOLD SEANCE

Okay.

An extremely loud alarm goes off. The north wall slides open and an ogre emerges with an enormous club.

>NERVOUS FEAR

Dude, it exactly looks like an ogre who wants to kill you. Run.

>OH FUDGE

Secret Lobby

You hear the ogre chasing you, close behind.

>AN EAGLE

Ledge

You hear the ogre chasing you, close behind.

>WHY STRESS

Okay.

It tastes good, but your priorities seem a little misplaced.

The ogre is having trouble getting through the window.

>DUST ROOM

Okay.

It lands on the ledge, near the window.

The ogre is just about through the window.

>LA RAMS

Ledge

To the east, you hear the sound of someone very large slipping on something in a comedic fashion and falling fifteen stories.

>KA BOOM

Ledge

>FIX VACUUM

You hold it up to the credit card, and the credit card flies into your hand. Nice.

>IN NAVY

Ledge

>HEAD SPIN

Didn't I tell you not to do that? You see a lot of traffic being obstructed by a dead ogre and a dead Cyclops.

>CC RIDER

Taksdadj's Office

>AL BUNDY

Hall

>BY JOVE

Lobby

The auditor looks at you with rage in his eyes. "Where are those records, Ripov?"

>GOOD LADIES WEAR AN EARRING

"I told you you can't bri--" He looks at the object in his hand carefully, then looks furtively around to see if anybody's looking. "You know, on second thought, let's pretend this never happened." He pockets the object, nods to you, and then bolts out of the lobby.

>HI MOMMY

Next stop, the airport and a nonstop flight to South America!

Congratulations! You escaped the vengeance of the federal government and scored 24 of 24 points.