SPAM Haiku: Multi-verse

A Cathartic Trilogy

SHAM-21.
A SPAM loaf quivers.
Salivary glands juice up.
Anticipation.

SHAM-22.
The gullet rises.
Salivary glands juice up.
"You ate the whole loaf!?"

SHAM-23.
Post-SPAM catharsis:
Peptic acid and pink chunks.
Floor-mount Pollock piece.

The SPAM Cycle of Love

SHAM-101.
Supermarket aisle.
We reached for the same SPAM can.
We exchanged numbers.

SHAM-102.
You carved my figure
From the block of SPAM. Love or
Infatuation?

SHAM-103.
The first time we kissed:
Your cheeks flushed a deep SPAM pink,
Your lips soft, hungry.

SHAM-104.
I buried the ring
Inside a loaf. You took a
Bite, spat, then said, "Yes!"

SHAM-105.
Wedding catered by
Hormel. Reception marred by
Sudden illnesses.

SHAM-106.
Honeymoon in France.
Finally got to try the
Spamme frites, Spamme l'orange.

SHAM-107.
Four children later
We run out of things to say.
"Price of SPAM is up."

SHAM-108.
"Breakfast in bed, love."
"What is it, dear?" "Refried SPAM."
You filed for divorce.

SHAM-109.
The first nights were bad.
Woke up from a SPAM nightmare--
But you were not there.

SHAM-110.
I live alone now.
I keep a cat for comfort.
She does not eat SPAM.

SHAM-111.
Supermarket aisle.
I saw her reach for a SPAM.
I turned, walked away.

The Physics of SPAM Waves

SHAM-131.
New discovery:
SPAM waves. Thought to propagate
In gel-like ether.

SHAM-132.
SPAM-wave detector:
Immerse man in gel. If he
Gains weight, SPAM wave's there.

SHAM-133.
Can information
Be sent by using SPAM waves?
No. Just calories.

SHAM-134.
SPAM wave as weapon
Used during Cold War. Doubtful?
Yeltsin's size. Case closed.

SHAM-135.
Remote sensing with
SPAM waves needs work. Too much pork
In the ground clutter.

SHAM-136.
Communist China
Uses SPAM waves for jamming.
All you get's pink noise.

SHAM-137.
Relativity
Predicts SPAM waves will bend near
Massive trailer parks.

SHAM-138.
Astronomy news:
SPAM waves from distant stars are
Always pink-shifted.

SHAM-139.
As an object gets
Near the speed of SPAM waves, its
Fat content goes up.

Thirteen Ways of Looking at a SPAM (with apologies to Wallace Stevens)

SHAM-141.
Twenty loaded shelves.
The only moving thing was
The eye of the SPAM.

SHAM-142.
I was of three minds,
Like a SPAM in which there are
Three major organs.

SHAM-143.
A SPAM swirled in the
Frying pan. 'Twas a small part
Of the pantomime.

SHAM-144.
A boy and a girl
Are one. A boy and a girl
And a SPAM are one.

SHAM-145.
Which do I prefer?
The beauty of ingestion
Or what comes after?

SHAM-146.
Kitchen windowsill.
Lit by passing headlights, SPAM
Casts a long shadow.

SHAM-147.
Thin men of Haddam,
Don't you see the SPAM rising
In your women's pans?

SHAM-148.
I know what's good food;
But I also know that the
SPAM knows that I know.

SHAM-149.
When the SPAM was fried,
Its grease marked the edge of one
Of many circles.

SHAM-150.
At the smell of SPAM,
Even bawds of euphony
Would cry out sharply.

SHAM-151.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he mistook his wife
For a loaf of SPAM.

SHAM-152.
Smoke issues from the
Kitchen. Dogs retch in gutters.
SPAM must be cooking.

SHAM-153.
The aisles were empty.
They would always be empty.
SPAM sat on the shelf.

Alphabet of the SPAM Macabre

SHAM-160.
A is for Adolf
Who sold it as kosher meat
And was stoned to death.

SHAM-161.
B is for Beavis
Who slipped while slicing a loaf
And chopped off his hand.

SHAM-162.
C is for Chevy
Who slid on a greasy slice
And tumbled downstairs.

SHAM-163.
D is for Debbie
Who played weird sex games with it
And caught P.I.V.

SHAM-164.
E is for Ernest
Who made a wine from aged chunks
And poisoned himself.

SHAM-165.
F is for Fidel
Who left small bits in his beard
And ants ate his face.

SHAM-166.
G is for Georgie
Who used the gel as sun screen
And burned to a crisp.

SHAM-167.
H is for Herbert
Who pledged a loaf in each pan
And died a loser.

SHAM-168.
I is for Itchy
Who ate Scratchy's loaded loaf
And blew into bits.

SHAM-169.
J is for Jeffrey
Who tried to make it with boys
And was offed in jail.

SHAM-170.
K is for Kermit
Who heard pig squeals from the can
And lost his good mind.

SHAM-171.
L is for Linda
Who swallowed whole from a can
And choked on the loaf.

SHAM-172.
M is for Mary
Who passed out cans to the poor
And was beat senseless.

SHAM-173.
N is for Norman
Who kept his mom fleshed with it
And became psycho.

SHAM-174.
O is for Orson
Who ate it for lunch daily
And blimped out and croaked.

SHAM-175.
P is for Peter
Who denied eating it thrice
And cocks gouged his eyes.

SHAM-176.
Q is for Quentin
Who served it to his film crew
And got his ears lopped.

SHAM-177.
R is for Reggie
Who got beaned by a full can
And dropped like a fly.

SHAM-178.
S is for the SHAM
Who wrote haiku about it
And was declared mad.

SHAM-179.
T is for Tommy
Who smoked pieces in a bong
And larded his lungs.

SHAM-180.
U is for Uri
Who showed off his bent-spoon trick
And was shelled by cans.

SHAM-181.
V is for Violet
Who ate twenty-seven loaves
And burst like a zit.

SHAM-182.
W's for Wayne
Who strained hard to excrete it
And monkeys flew out.

SHAM-183.
X is for Xerxes
Who built a fortress with it
And drowned in roaches.

SHAM-184.
Y is for Yasser
Who let Hormel build a plant
And the Jews shot him.

SHAM-185.
Z is for Zsa Zsa
Who slapped a cop with a slice
And got life in jail.

Fishing with SPAM

226.
SPAM used for fish bait
Game warden walks up to me
"See yer SPAM license?"
--Jeff Morris, j._b._morris@uprc.com

227.
Will the fish bite SPAM?
Hey dude, you know they eat worms!
They will not bite SPAM?

--Jeff Morris, j._b._morris@uprc.com

228.
Fish not biting SPAM?
Why don't you try something else?
Hey dude, what's yer point?

--Jeff Morris, j._b._morris@uprc.com

229.
There is an oil slick
So much for fishing with SPAM
I hide from GreenPeace

--Jeff Morris, j._b._morris@uprc.com

The SPAM Epic

327.
Darkness, then the air
I'm sliced, I'm chewed, I'm swallowed
Years go by, then SPLASH!
--plui@hyperreal.com

328.
Cold toilet water
My shit-brown blubber erodes
Behold, Pink Beauty!

--plui@hyperreal.com

329.
Swim! O Pink Lightning
Lead me through the deep, dark depths
Instinct be my guide.

--plui@hyperreal.com

330.
Stream flows by Hormel
Dredged and canned, I live again!
Darkness, then the air.

--plui@hyperreal.com

PSAlM 23

1038.
The Lord is my swine-
herd; I shall not want. He forms
me to fit in tins.
--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1039.
He makes a green fringe
About my rind. He packs me
In the spring waters.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1040.
He synthesizes
My flavor; He scrapes me from
The slaughterhouse floor.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1041.
Yea, though I trot towards
The abattoir, I will fear
no disembowelment.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1042.
For Thou standest o'er
Me; Thy cudgel and Thy knife
They do dispatch me.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1043.
Thou preparest a
Dish of me in the presence
Of my predators.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1044.
Thou anointest my
Slices with mayonnaise; my
Grease runneth over.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1045.
Surely parsley and
Cloves will garnish me all the
Days of my shelflife.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1046.
And I will dwell in
Plaque-encrusted arteries
Forever. Amen.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

The National SPAM Association

1060.
The National SPAM
Association protects
your right to bear SPAM.
--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

1061.
NSA slogan:
"When SPAM is outlawed, only
outlaws will have SPAM."

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

1062.
Second NSA
slogan: "SPAMs don't kill people;
fry cooks kill people."

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

1063.
NSA lobbies
to overturn laws banning
sales of "assault SPAMs."

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

The Poetic Process

1135.
"I think I'll never
see / A poem as lovely
as SPAM..." Doesn't rhyme.
--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

1136.
"I think I'll never
scan / A poem as lovely
as SPAM..." Still not right.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

1137.
"I think I'll never
slam..." Rhymes, but makes no sense. "Scam"?
...Oh, to heck with it.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

1138.
I got it! Keep "see,"
change "SPAM" to "a tree." But who
wants poems 'bout trees?

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

A SPAM Adventure

1291.
I saw the blue can
In the tinned products section
It captured my thoughts
--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

1292.
Thoughts entered my dreams
The blue can--contents unknown
Cryptic label--SPAM

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

1293.
Three days passed slowly
Obsession overcame me
I must purchase SPAM

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

1294.
I lurked in the aisles
No one was looking at me
I reached for a tin

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

1295.
Cradling my new prize
I went to pay--disaster!
"Price check on large SPAM."

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

1296.
But nobody stared
I noticed them holding tins
Brotherhood of SPAM

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

1297.
Soon I arrived home,
Dimmed the lights, shut the curtains,
And prepared to feast.

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

1298.
I removed the key
Peeled back the metal layer
The fragrance hit me

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

1299.
I woke on the floor
Six hours of my life were gone
And so was the SPAM...

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

1300.
And sometimes at night
I lay awake, listening,
And I can hear it.

--Tom Elliott, Tosh@Werple.mira.net.au

Nospamatu

1358.
Rogue vampire journeys
far spreading vile Hormel black
plague. NOSPAMATU!!!
--Jonathan Black, damaginc@siu.edu

1359.
Victims of vampire
fall to their knees. Seething co-
lons...No cure in sight...

--Jonathan Black, damaginc@siu.edu

1360.
One doctor comes forth
to crush the pale bovine bat.
Von Helspam attacks!!!

--Jonathan Black, damaginc@siu.edu

1361.
He pounds a stake in
beast's colon to avenge and
save remaining lives!!!

--Jonathan Black, damaginc@siu.edu

1362.
Foolish and futile...
Streams of brown SPAM diarrhe-
a engulf the land...

--Jonathan Black, damaginc@siu.edu

1363.
All drown in gangrene
rivers. Mass immolation.
Blackened world. The End.

--Jonathan Black, damaginc@siu.edu

The Great SPAM of China

1370.
It was built to keep
out invading armies: The
Great SPAM of China.
--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

1371.
How did the Great SPAM
work? The Mongol hordes smelled it
then ran to Europe.

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

1372.
Did you know that the
Great SPAM's the only lunch meat
visible from space?

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

1373.
When Nixon went to
China, he observed, "This is
indeed a great SPAM."

--Chris Fishel, ctf2m@virginia.edu

SPAM Wars

1586.
Jay Hormel: Madman.
"I'll conquer the world with pork!"
Bow low to him now!
--Mike McGaff

1587.
All eyes cast downward.
Jay astride SPAM chariot.
Porkus Maximus.

--Mike McGaff

1588.
HAM-Fighters rebel.
Flashing blue tins defeat them.
A SPAM warrior.

--Mike McGaff

1589.
Now, the SPAMic peace.
Tasty treats for multitudes.
SPAM infinitum!

--Mike McGaff

1632.
Austin, Minn. becomes
Center of the universe.
SPAM weapons produced.

--Mike McGaff

1633.
Hormel legislates:
Beef and chicken illegal.
Ranchers slaughter pigs.

--Mike McGaff

1634.
Jay retaliates.
Blue bombs dropped on North Forty.
Can't tell dead from SPAM.

--Mike McGaff

1635.
Hormel ninja school.
Elite warriors training.
Be one with the can.

--Mike McGaff

1636.
Vacuum seal released.
Blue tin bounces through a door.
Death by SPAM grenade.

--Mike McGaff

1814.
Furtive assassin,
Slipping SPAM into main course.
No poison needed.

--Mike McGaff

1815.
Empty SPAM casings,
Their grisly contents discharged
Like a howitzer.

--Mike McGaff

1816.
"The pork is unclean!"
Rallying cry overheard.
Speakers now in tins.

--Mike McGaff

1817.
Blue-armored soldiers
Crush demonstrators in parks.
Their moniker? "Pig."

--Mike McGaff

1818.
El Pollo Loco
Restaurant burned to the ground
By SPAM terrorists.

--Mike McGaff

1819.
Jay signs peace treaty
Allowing beef and chicken
Only once per week.

--Mike McGaff

1820.
Student arrested.
SPAM/blood ratio suspect.
Urine test is next.

--Mike McGaff

1821.
SPAM submarine coasts
Off the shores of Mexico.
Whales leave in disgust.

--Mike McGaff

1822.
Jay was offended,
Speaking in a crowded hall.
Rubber chicken thrown.

--Mike McGaff

1853.
Genetic projects.
Jay toying with life and death.
SPAMborg enforcers.

--Mike McGaff

1854.
SPAMborgs a failure.
Small pets attracted to smell.
Walking lunch devoured.

--Mike McGaff

1855.
Unconventional
weapons outlawed by U.N.
SPAM destroys New York.

--Mike McGaff

1856.
Blue-tipped warheads launched
for Paris, City of Light.
Serve SPAM or be SPAMMED!

--Mike McGaff

1933.
SPAM, the perfect grub
For soldiers marching to war.
They'll kill for real food.

--Mike McGaff

1934.
Tank tracks in the mud.
Cigarette butts and blue tins.
The spoils of Hormel.

--Mike McGaff

1935.
Guerilla warfare.
Rounded tins dropped from buildings.
SPAM troops duck their heads.

--Mike McGaff

2077.
Risen from ashes
Hardened pink flesh and gristle
A crazed SPAMzilla!

--Mike McGaff

2078.
Waiting for fallout
Hormel soldiers in hiding
Degreasers deployed

--Mike McGaff

2079.
SPAM conquers Asia
Morals weakened by pink fat
Cellulite rampant

--Mike McGaff

2325.
SPAM place in orbit.
"Space is now mine!" claims Hormel.
A reign of gristle.

--Mike McGaff

2326.
Martial colonies,
Built from pseudo-food profits.
The SPAM in the moon.

--Mike McGaff

2327.
A crimson land mine.
Soldier pokes it with a stick.
SPAM daisy cutter.

--Mike McGaff

An American SPAM in London

1649.
My Boeing airplane
Has life rafts made out of SPAM.
SPAM water landing?
--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1650.
Chew rubbery SPAM
For aural discomfort at
takeoff and landing.

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1651.
Why is airplane food
Dry roasted, salted peanuts,
Dry white wine and SPAM?

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1652.
"Are you carrying
anything that could be used
as a weapon?"..."SPAM."

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1653.
"Have you anything
that you would like to declare?"
"...Can't live without SPAM!"

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1654.
Foreign exchange rates
confuse me: how many pounds
of SPAM for 10 pounds?

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1655.
Throw out excess SPAM
"Thank you for keeping the Roy-
al borough tidy"

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1656.
Trick played on tourists:
"Baaangerrs and maash, pleease!" Feed those
Americans SPAM.

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1657.
Do ravens eat SPAM
at the Tower of London?
Or do Beefeaters?

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1658.
Could one buy enough
SPAM with the Crown Jewels to
feed a large army?

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1659.
If you were the Queen
Would you eat your SPAM with the
Coronation Spoon?

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1660.
SPAM and mash tastes bad.
SPAM and chips taste bad too, but
SPAM and kidney pie!

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1701.
"Black Hole" Hawkins speaks
At Albert Hall; next week, Sir
Hormel speaks on SPAM.

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1702.
Beatles: "Now they know
how many SPAMs it takes to
fill the Albert Hall!"

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1703.
Garfunkel's watron
Worst service in the U.K.
Should have ordered SPAM

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1704.
French waitress nearby
Didn't smile when asked for SPAM
"What is her problem?"

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1705.
"Rogue A-meri-caan,
Hye can tak hyis SPAM, shove IT!
I wheel no serve hyim!"

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1706.
Ever you get lost
In the Maze at Hampton Court,
Bring plenty of SPAM.

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1707.
"Ye Grape," "Butler's Head."
London's filled with pubs, but no
"SPAM and Firkin" here.

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1708.
Polish, Lebanese,
French, Indian, best food, yet
None of it British.

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1709.
Bank, Moorgate, Fulham
London Underground stations
"Mind the gap," you SPAM

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1710.
Cloudy London day
Every day of the whole week
SPAM brightens my day

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1711.
Apollo 13
Transatlantic inflight film
Bacon in a can

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

1712.
Palace made me sleep,
The French refuse to serve SPAM
"There's no place like home!"

--Alex Dunne, dunne_alex@jpmorgan.com

Barney!

1668.
Dinosaur entrails,
Still pulsating...and purple.
Yes! It's B'har'nei SPAM!
--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

1669.
"I love you, you love
me, we're a...AWWWWK! Rip! SCRUNCH!" Sound
as whirling blades catch.

--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

1670.
Baby Bop, reach to
Save your Purple hero! Oops.
Result: Two-tone SPAM.

--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

1671.
Minds of viewing youth
Turned to eviscerated
Meat by Dinosaur.

--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

SPAM-Worship Through the Ages:

1677.
Ist es nur das Fleisch,
oder wahrlich der Heiland?
Was ist diesen "SPAM"?
--Dave "Rilke" Bieri, BIERI@IDX.IDX.COM

1678.
¿Es carne solo,
o tal vez un salvador?
¿Que es esto "SPAM"?

--Dave "Neruda" Bieri, BIERI@IDX.IDX.COM

1679.
Ceci, jambon seule,
ou vraiment un sauveur, non?
Qu'est-ce que c'est le "SPAM"?

--Dave "Baudelaire" Bieri, BIERI@IDX.IDX.COM

1680.
Prosciutto solo,
o salvatore vero?
Che fa questo "SPAM"?

--Dave "Guarini" Bieri, BIERI@IDX.IDX.COM

1681.
Is it just some meat,
or maybe the true savior?
What is this here "SPAM"?

--Dave "Faulkner" Bieri, BIERI@IDX.IDX.COM

1682.
Wist not that a ham
hideth th'immaculate Lamb?
Myst'ry, Thou art "SPAM"!

--Dave "Milton" Bieri, BIERI@IDX.IDX.COM

The SPAMmas Story

1768.
"Rejoice, Mary, thou
Art blessed among women." "Whoa!
Thought it was SPAM gas!"
--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1769.
And there were in that
Country swineherds, tending their
Future tinned product.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1770.
God's angel appeared
Unto them, saying: "Hmm. Good
Spot for SPAM franchise."

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1771.
"Be not afraid, for
Unto you this day is born
Sure-fire sales gimmick."

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1772.
And there did appear
Before them a heav'nly host,
Singing "Pass the SPAM!"

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1773.
Manger animals
Gather about; kine, lamb, pig...
Feh! Oy vey! Unclean!

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

1774.
Not-so-wise Man brings
SPAM. Manger doorknob hits his
Ass on the way out.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

A Spamticle for Liebowitz

1797.
Armageddon come,
I shall build my shelter from
a million blue cans.
--Steve Masticola, masticol@scr.siemens.com

1798.
A truckload of SPAM,
Canned kraut, half-dozen bagels,
Bring home for Emma.

--Steve Masticola, masticol@scr.siemens.com

1799.
Millenia hence,
the memorabilia
enshrines the labels.

--Steve Masticola, masticol@scr.siemens.com

Edgar Allan Pork

1845.
Once upon a SPAM
night weary, while I pondered
"What's in the blue can?"
--Mike McGaff

1846.
A tap, tap, tapping
from inside the container.
Partake nevermore.

--Mike McGaff

1847.
Quoth the Raven: "Hey,
you keep eatin' that stuff, of
course you'll have nightmares!"

--Mike McGaff

Captain Hormel

1863.
Rub old can of SPAM.
Shout "Long live Captain Hormel."
Pink genie appears.
--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1872.
Robinson Crusoe.
SPAMprints in sand. Man Friday?
No: Captain Hormel.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1873.
"Friends, swineherds, pigmen,
Lend me your ears, snouts, and tails,"
Says Captain Hormel.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1874.
"Once more into the
Can, dear pigs, and bring your friends,"
Says Captain Hormel.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1875.
Captain Hormel says,
"SPAM a day keeps Doc away."
Everyone else too!

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1876.
Captain Hormel says,
"Porkers of the world unite."
Spamdemonium!

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1879.
"I guarantee we
Will make a new pig of you,"
Captain Hormel says.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1880.
"Tread softly because
You tread upon my SPAM." By
Captain "Yeats" Hormel.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1882.
"Sty in the sky," said
Captain Hormel. "Just sign here,
Smile, and shut your eyes."

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1883.
"Pigs. Prove your SPAMhood,"
Hormel said. "Wear this blue can;
It will preserve you."

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1907.
"We are surrounded
By SPAMs." "Eat the pink bastards!"
Replied the Captain.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1908.
"A pig, a pig, my
Kingdom for a pig." Hormel
Screamed, buzzsaw whirring.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1923.
Alas, poor Hormel.
I knew him once. Haiku SPAMmed
Him. Totally minced.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

1925.
Piglets start smoking.
SPAMtaneous combustion.
Captain Hormel blamed.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

2331.
"Seek Spamtuary
In the blue tin; it's safe there,"
Captain Hormel says.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

2424.
"Put down a SPAM bar-
rage," Captain Hormel said. "That'll
Keep their bums running."

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

2425.
"If they surrender,"
Said the Cap, "show no mercy,
Give them the Blue Tin."

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

2572.
Captain Hormel swung
His knife; parted Piggy from
His life. Then canned him.

--Mike O'Connor (K.M.O'Connor), mickman@intonet.co.uk

SHAM on the Lam

1981.
SPAM SHAM arrested
for "Incitement to Haiku"
and "Contempt of Pork."
--Rory, son of mickman

1982.
SPAM SHAM found guilty
Judge Hormel shows no mercy
Ten years in the "Can"

--Rory, son of mickman

1983.
SPAM SHAM escapes "Can"
"Pink Peril" threatens planet
Epidemic spreads!

--Rory, son of mickman

The Interview

2397.
Note on resume:
"Published on the Internet,
My own SPAM haiku."
--Mike McGaff

2398.
The interviewer:
"Thank you for your time, but your
SPAM haiku lack taste."

--Mike McGaff

2399.
"Lacking in taste, eh!?
Have you ever eaten SPAM?"
I am now postal.

--Mike McGaff

2400.
"Calm yourself, young man!
Obviously, excessive
nitrates! Try SPAM Lite!"

--Mike McGaff

2401.
Secretly I smile.
Foolish mortals know not the
Mysteries of SPAM!

--Mike McGaff

The SPAM Shrine

2411.
My friend says to me,
"Seek the shrine of the SPAM god.
There you will find peace."
--Tony Sprinkle, sprinkle@iluvatar.ncssm.edu

2412.
I go to the shrine
And find nothing but a can
Imprinted with "SPAM."

--Tony Sprinkle, sprinkle@iluvatar.ncssm.edu

2413.
I go back and ask
My friend, "You said I could find
Peace in that there shrine."

--Tony Sprinkle, sprinkle@iluvatar.ncssm.edu

2414.
My friend laughed and said,
"Not that kind of 'peace,' my friend,
But a piece of SPAM."

--Tony Sprinkle, sprinkle@iluvatar.ncssm.edu

The Treif Spamku Cycle

2432.
Over six hundred
Mitzvot. Eat SPAM, break just one.
Not such a big deal.
--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2433.
SPAM and cheese sandwich
Eaten for Yom Kippur lunch.
Three mitzvot broken.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2434.
For two extra sins,
buy the SPAM on Yom Kippur,
and drive to the store.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2435.
Shoplift the SPAM--it
is a sin on any day,
for Jew or gentile.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2436.
Murder the clerk, take
the SPAM, hide the body. Three
sins for a cohen.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2437.
World overcome with
sin heralds arrival of
Messiah. Eat SPAM!

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

The Death of Socrates Spamku Cycle

2445.
Does anyone know
the meaning of SPAM? Athens
has many who do.
--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2446.
Socrates asks the
questions that none can answer.
None truly know SPAM.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2447.
Ignorance of the
Athenians exposed by
Socrates's questions.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2448.
Many are angry,
Accuse him of corrupting
The youth of Athens.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2449.
Found guilty, he then
is asked to suggest his own
punishment that fits.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2450.
Punishment must fit
The crime, says wise Socrates.
He has a good point.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2451.
My crime, he says, did
much good to Athens--fools now
knew that they were fools.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2452.
Thus, Athens owes me
free meals for life. This fits my
crimes against the state.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2453.
Athenians OK
The punishment, give him SPAM
for his sustenance.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

2454.
SPAM for breakfast, lunch,
dinner. Dismayed, Socrates
drinks cup of poison.

--Michael Voytinsky, michaelv@globalx.net

The SPAM Heart

2516.
Heart-shaped chunk of SPAM.
Gave it to my sweetheart; now
I'm single again.
--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

2517.
Gave the heart of SPAM
to my mother. Then she wrote
me out of her will.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

2518.
By this time the heart
of SPAM had turned green. I had
to get rid of it.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

2519.
Sent the heart of SPAM
to a local soup kitchen.
Eighteen winos died.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

2520.
They sent me to jail.
Gave me twenty-five to life.
Man, what a bummer.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

2521.
Moral of this tale?
Do not make a heart of SPAM.
It will break your heart.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

Presidential SPAM

2540.
The Johnson White House:
LBJ picks up a can
of SPAM by the ears.
--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom

2541.
The Nixon White House:
SPAM at state dinner. Chef says,
"I am not a cook."

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom

2542.
In the Ford White House:
SPAM falls down a flight of stairs.
Almost breaks its neck.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom

2543.
The Carter White House:
SPAM feels malaise; wait, that's not
malaise. Mayonnaise.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom

2544.
The Reagan White House:
SPAM is caught upstairs in bed
with Frank Sinatra.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom

2545.
In the Bush White House:
George eats SPAM to prove he's tough.
Would a wimp do that?

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom

2546.
The Clinton White House:
SPAM for state dinner...Hey, where'd
it go? It's gone! BILL!

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom

Republican Canned-idates

2568.
Pat Buchanan says,
Give me values, SPAM salad!
A secret Nazi?
--William Routhier, routhier@cybercom.net

2569.
Bob Dole holds that pen
in his hand to poke holes in
SPAM can. Then he sucks.

--William Routhier, routhier@cybercom.net

2570.
Steve Forbes has that grin.
Why? Nobody knows. I bet
he never ate SPAM.

--William Routhier, routhier@cybercom.net

2571.
A President named
Lamar? Sounds like a stripper.
Lamar and her Spams.

--William Routhier, routhier@cybercom.net

Road SPAM

2814.
Driving my drop-top
While spooning SPAM from its can
An exultant rush
--mgeraty@fnbc.com

2815.
Hot sun overhead
Makes me intensely restless
SPAM makes me gassy

--mgeraty@fnbc.com

2816.
Squirming in my seat
Scarfing down SPAM mightily
Weaving recklessly

--mgeraty@fnbc.com

In Search of Spamku

2845.
John Cho, I cannot
Find your SPAM haiku pages
On the Internet.
--Chuck Hancock, chancock@ix.netcom.com

2846.
NAIC? What?!?
Said my browser as it choked
As though on a SLAB.

--Chuck Hancock, chancock@ix.netcom.com

2847.
Browsers don't eat SPAM,
Just some amps and watts and bytes;
Bet still, Netscape puked.

--Chuck Hancock, chancock@ix.netcom.com

2848.
I do not like SPAM
And haiku, I can skip it.
But spamku? I howl.

--Chuck Hancock, chancock@ix.netcom.com

2849.
I laughed 'til I cried
When I read, oh, twenty-five
Of the spamku poems.

--Chuck Hancock, chancock@ix.netcom.com

2850.
But I need a fix
Of spamku, and mighty quick.
E-mail me the lot!

--Chuck Hancock, chancock@ix.netcom.com

SPAM Therapy

2853.
Patient found, naked,
Babbling, eating SPAM with hands:
Instant commitment.
--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

2854.
Psychotherapy.
Unless, of course, SPAM's involved:
then do shock treatments.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

2855.
For eaters of SPAM
Is analysis worthwhile?
I think perhaps not.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

2856.
He tells his kind shrink,
"I admit I like my SPAM."
His therapy ends.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

2857.
Art therapy for
the young, regressed psychotic:
fingerpaint with SPAM.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

2858.
In-patient unit
Recovering SPAM eaters
No one will work there

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

2859.
A Twelve Step program:
SPAMholics Anonymous.
One more SPAMless day.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

2860.
Doctor tells his peer,
"I sometimes eat yummy SPAM."
Loses his license.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

2861.
There's a new branch of
SPAMholics Anonymous
for SPAMku addicts.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

2862.
Years of therapy--
Repressed memory returns:
Mom made me eat SPAM.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

2863.
Can't hate her for it.
Turns out she was SPAM-abused
by HER own mother.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

2864.
For good of my kids:
I'm in SPAM recovery.
Must break these chains now.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

Mother of SPAM

2970.
O'er the Hormel plant
In Minnesota towers
A New Colossus:
--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

2971.
Not like the offered
Lamb of Greek fame, with well-tied
Limbs in sacrifice;

--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

2972.
Here at our blood-drenched
Slaughterhouse gates shall stand a
Mighty, fattened Sow,

--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

2973.
With a greasy grin
Whose fat content is fright'ning,
Named Mother of SPAM.

--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

2974.
From her bacon-flesh
Glows pinkish welcome; her stench
Commands the ill-aired

--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

2975.
Abattoir that twin
Head-locks frame. "Keep ancient lands
Your cuisine!" snorts she.

--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

2976.
"O give me your tired,
Your poor, your oinking masses
Of your teeming shore.

--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

2977.
Send these, herded, fat
Swine, to me. We lift axes
O'er the crimson door!"

--Martin Booda, booda@datasync.com

The SPAM Shrink

3119.
Man takes the Rorschach.
Only sees pinkish pork smears.
Psychologist sighs.
--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

3120.
"Draw a Person" Test.
With blue and yellow crayon.
Man draws SPAM instead.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

3121.
Moving on to the
Word Association Test:
"First thing to mind?": SPAM!

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

3122.
The psychologist
gives "special medication":
Antipsychotic.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

The Spamsteroid

3175.
But tell us, Nolan,
When will the Big Pink One hit?
Yes, the SPAMsteroid.
--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

3176.
Fifty klicks across
Penetrates the atmosphere
Impact wipes out life

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

3177.
Two hundred million
SPAM megatons detonate.
Continents shattered.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

3178.
A cloud of methane
Gas and pinkish dust is raised,
Enveloping Earth.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

3179.
Five million years pass.
Nature adapts, strange creatures
Made of SPAM evolve.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

The Pinks

3275.
Where are the SPAM blues
R. Johnson, John Hooker wrote?
Guess they should be "pinks."
--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3276.
That ain't mud in that Minnesota Mississip', Nor Lead in Belly.

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3277.
"Pinks" should be sung with
Accompaniment of a
Greased harmonica.

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3278.
My woman done gone
Left me with nuthin' but dis
Half-empty SPAM can.

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3279.
Yeah, my woman's gone
Left me with a picked-over,
six-month-old SPAM can.

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3280.
If I find dat gal,
Gonna shoot her 'n' bury
Her in a SPAM can.

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3281.
Can't you hear them now?
"The Wreck of the Hormel Freight"?
And "SPAMstack Lightnin'"?

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3282.
Darlin', you put your
Sugar in my tea, I'll slap
My SPAM on your plate.

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3283.
"Weren't it sad when that
Great Loaf went down?" Hey, he was
Called Pink Anderson.

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

Darth and Luke

3320.
darth vader ate spam
it gave him really bad gas
his armor was fogged
--eric smythe (a.k.a. llama-lad)

3321.
luke skywalker laughed
he could not stop doing it
his father got pissed

--eric smythe (a.k.a. llama-lad)

3322.
darth took the spam can
and he launched it at young luke
it hit young luke's head

--eric smythe (a.k.a. llama-lad)

3323
now luke has a bump
it's as big as new jersey
now darth was laughing

--eric smythe (a.k.a. llama-lad)

Those Finicky Felines

3329.
Black cat drags about
his pink, purloined bite of SPAM
like an extra tongue.
--Meredith Merritt

3330.
Tabbies will titter
and grimalkins all guffaw!
should you offer SPAM.

--Meredith Merritt

3331.
Ruddy Somali
and Aby cats are vain, spurn
SPAM: their colors clash!

--Meredith Merritt

3332.
If we shred it small
with our tiny pointy claws
could we fool the fish?

--Meredith Merritt

3370.
Grizzled old tom naps
in the sun--flick! flick! his tail!
He must dream of SPAM.

--Meredith Merritt

3389.
Kittens' first day out:
They encounter SPAM! One sniff,
all run back to Mom.

--Meredith Merritt

3390.

My cats play with SPAM,
never hockey pucks, at night--
Kinder to neighbors.

--Meredith Merritt

And now for something completely different...

3371.
"Did you eat lunchmeat?"
"I didn't expect a SPAM-
ish Inquisition."
--Not Graham Chapman, ctf2m@virginia.edu

3372.
Pink-clad men burst in:
"Nobody expects the SPAM-
ish Inquisition!"

--Not John Cleese, ctf2m@virginia.edu

3373.
The cardinal speaks:
"Surprise is our main weapon!
Surprise and pink gel!"

--Not Eric Idle, ctf2m@virginia.edu

3374.
"Our two weapons are
surprise and pink gel! And fear!
And added nitrates!"

--Not Michael Palin, ctf2m@virginia.edu

3375.
"Our diverse weapons
include... Oh, just get the SPAM
and start the torture."

--Not Terry Gilliam, ctf2m@virginia.edu

3376.
An aide hands a can
to the cardinal. "Fool! This
is Treet! It won't work!"

--Not Terry Jones, ctf2m@virginia.edu

The Color of SPAM

3701.
His disturbed patient
Smears her lips with SPAM, exits
through office window.
--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

3702.
Bruce Willis sees this,
Is traumatized in some way--
No longer sees pink!

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

3703.
He goes to L.A.
Becomes a group therapist
for SPAM abusers.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

3704.
A wacky artist
in the group does abstract art.
Smears SPAM on canvas.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

3705.
He has, uh, congress
with this girl involving SPAM.
You don't want to know.

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

3706.
But the result of
this bizarre Hormelesque sex:
He sees pink again!

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

SPAM Fu

3721.
What, only ten votes?
My shame grows as a creeping
Fungus on lunch loaf.
--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3722.
Guess I'll retire to
The SPAM-Lin monastery
To study SPAM Fu.

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3723.
Deadly martial art:
Monks move like lightning, armed with
Only two blue tins.

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3724.
I choke on my SPAM.
The white-hot loaf sears my throat.
"Not yet, Grasshopper."

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3725.
Years of hard training,
Meditation, shunning ways
of Armour and TREET.

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

3726.
At last, I go out
Into the world, reflexes
Atrophied by SPAM.

--Martin H. Booda,booda@datasync.com

Pig in Space

3894.
Academician
Porkitov comes up with the
"Pig in Space" concept.
--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

3895.
Khruschev figures that
a pig in space would make for
good propaganda.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

3896.
Pig named "Babeski" is
sealed in capsule and blasted
off from cosmodrome.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

3897.
Once in orbit, the
pig panics and throws up, just
like Tereshkova.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

3898.
"Time for re-entry."
The pig cracks a dirty joke.
Ground controllers groan.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

3899.
Parachute fails. The
capsule crash-lands. Open it
up: SPAM in the can!

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

Hormel Tech Support

4004.
Hormel tech support:
"How do I open the can?"
"Pull the tab." "Okay."
--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

4005.
Hormel tech support:
"But I have an old can." "Then
use the key." "Okay."

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

4006.
Hormel tech support:
"Ick! I can't abide this stuff!"
"No one can." "Okay."

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

SPAM at the Olympics

4021.
Olympic athletes
Eat it, due to rumors that
SPAM contains steroids
--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

4022.
SPAM in Atlanta
Suddenly in short supply,
Athletes look guilty

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

4023.
Fearing SPAM abuse
Olympic officials plan
Random SPAM testing

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

4024.
If athlete's urine
Shows up positive for SPAM
He is out of there

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

4025.
Ejected athletes
Given their plane tickets home--
And a SPAM medal

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

4026.
Disqualified, they
Can get no big endorsements,
Except for Hormel

--Dale Wisely, dwisely@wwisp.com

Old Iron Sides

4160.
An empty SPAM can
My boy makes a sea-blue boat
Its hold smells of pork
--John Mitchell, JAM@altagroup.com

4161.
Through bubbling channels
"Old Iron Sides" sails briskly
Chased by pirate leaves.

--John Mitchell, JAM@altagroup.com

4162.
Fined for littering.
The brigand who waylays us
Smells like our ship's hold.

--John Mitchell, JAM@altagroup.com

SPAM's Middle Path

4318.
"Tell me, O wise one,
The big meaning of it all."
"Pink Pork in Blue Can."
--Guy Chaney, GUYSAGE@aol.com

4319.
"Secret of success,
My son, is this: always keep
Extra SPAM key near."

--Guy Chaney, GUYSAGE@aol.com

4320.
"No sweat, Papa-san.
New cans are superior.
Pull tab. Forget key."

--Guy Chaney, GUYSAGE@aol.com

4321.
"As you say, my boy.
Our world is modern now, but
SPAM way is RIGHT ROAD."

--Guy Chaney, GUYSAGE@aol.com

4322.
"Know SPAM's Middle Path:
Fried, baked, cold, with mayonnaise;
Also with onion."

--Guy Chaney, GUYSAGE@aol.com

4323.
"That's deep, Pop, but you
Forgot thin-cut SPAM on bed
Of cool alfalfa."

--Guy Chaney, GUYSAGE@aol.com

4324,
"No, son, different
Religion: That is Yuppie
Yoghurt Yahooism."

--Guy Chaney, GUYSAGE@aol.com

4325.
"You are so smart, Dad.
How did you get yourself that
Way? By hard study?"

--Guy Chaney, GUYSAGE@aol.com

4326.
The ANSWER lies in
The BLUE CAN, my dear offspring.
SPAM is the true key."

--Guy Chaney, GUYSAGE@aol.com

Telsow

4701.
SPAM in space? Why not!
We have sent other tin cans
Every bit as frail.
--John Mitchell, jam@altagroup.com

4702.
Ascending with flames
A new satellite is born.
Some call it "Telsow."

--John Mitchell, jam@altagroup.com

4703.
Workers at Hormel
Monitor love's labor launched.
Hearts and tear ducts swell.

--John Mitchell, jam@altagroup.com

4704.
Knocked out of orbit,
The porcine projectile spins
Into the unknown.

--John Mitchell, jam@altagroup.com

4705.
Somewhere a black hole
Consumes everything in sight;
A blue can sails by.

--John Mitchell, jam@altagroup.com

Green SPAM

4802.
A friend of a friend
told me that green SPAM is an
aphrodisiac.
--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

4803.
Asked the FDA.
All they had to say was, "Green
SPAM! ICK! Throw it out!"

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

4804.
Why should I believe
the FDA? I tried green
SPAM on my girlfriend.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

4805.
Now my girlfriend's dead
and I'm in Riker's Island.
Live and learn, I guess.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

Spermless SPAM?

4893.
I came home early.
Found my wife in bed with SPAM.
"Pork me! Oh, pork me!"
--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

4894.
Man, was I upset.
I threw her out of the house.
And her SPAM can, too.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

4895.
Well, nine months later
she gave birth to a healthy
and pink baby boy.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

4896.
Just imagine my
surprise when tests showed that the
kid was really mine!

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

4897.
Now I have to pay
alimony to my ex
and her damn SPAM can.

--Bob Roberds, broberds@ix.netcom.com

The Seven Virtues of SPAM

5497.
I present to you
The Seven Virtues of SPAM
Read on, see the truth
--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5498.
Indestructible:
Chopped, grilled, minced, baked, or sautéed
It is always SPAM

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5499.
Immortality:
Leave it for ten thousand years
Still as good as new

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5500.
It's unvarying:
Buy it in any country
The same as always

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5501.
A pure honesty:
SPAM never pretends to be
Something that it's not

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5502.
Portability:
Slip a slice in your pocket
Friction keeps it warm

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5503.
No complexity:
A key, a twist of the wrist
The bounty is yours

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5504
Loyal in nature:
If you love SPAM, set if free
It will never leave

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

Psychological Profiles

5505.
For education:
Psychological profiles
All induced by SPAM
--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5506.
The SPAM obsessive:
Ashen faced, he hoards his SPAM
Far from prying eyes

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5507.
The SPAM despiser
Eyes ablaze, denounces SPAM
Destroys it on sight

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5508.
The Spamphobiac
Mortal fear of the blue can
Runs at sight or smell

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5509.
The SPAM lover will
Tell all their friends about it
Eats a dozen cans

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5510.
The SPAM maniac
Crazed look, approaches pressed meat
Bathes in SPAM jelly

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5511.
The SPAM denier
Refutes all the evidence
Of SPAM's existence

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

5512.
See the SPAM glutton
He eats SPAM with abandon
Opens one more can

--Tom Elliott, tosh@werple.net.au

6969.
Bill Bixby and SPAM
(Opened can) Both start out pink
And end up as green

--Andrew Plourde, aplourde@sfsu.edu

The Mystery of the Gel

Dedicated to Leif Sjoquist and June Stroh.

6970.
Purity of SPAM?
They say pork shoulders and ham,
What else lurks therein?

--Andrew Plourde, aplourde@sfsu.edu

6971.
F.D.A. allows
Some "foreign matter": Bugs, hair,
Night worker's semen

--Andrew Plourde, aplourde@sfsu.edu

Melville Meets Hormel

7220.
Ahab ate his SPAM
Using cans for his peg leg
This explains his hate
--Wild T.

7221.
The crew up on deck
Toss chunks of SPAM overboard
Sharks will not follow

--Wild T.

7222.
Island primitives
Missionaries bring them SPAM
Makes more cannibals

--Wild T.

7223.
The cry "Thar she blows"
Is it the whale, Moby-Dick
No, it's last night's SPAM

--Wild T.

7224.
As Moby Dick sinks
He drags Ahab to his death
"Do NOT feed me SPAM"

--Wild T.

7225.
Floating on the sea
The remains of the Pequod
And SPAM leftovers

--Wild T.

Squidgy's Last Ride

7227.
Speeding through Paris
Limo's dark windows hide two
She: "I've a surprise."
--paul h.

7228.
Watched and yet unseen
They grope about each other
Whispers: "Where's the key?"

--paul h.

7229.
Rose pâté/aspic
Spills onto the limo's floor
"Oh shit!" they giggle

--paul h.

7230.
She also has toast
He feeds her a pink tartine
Free! She tongues his ear

--paul h.

7231.
"Is it pork?" he chokes
"Foie gras is too cruel," she says
They feed each other

--paul h.

7232.
Gel drips from his lips
She licks it off, squeezes him
"We're going too fast?"

--paul h.

7233.
Her jewell'd fourth finger
Slowly reams the emptied tin
Last pink bits glisten

--paul h.

7234.
Both look longingly
Her finger moves to his lips
Him: "You tease me so."

--paul h.

7235.
Such fleeting moments
Can we do this again, soon?
Bring some to the yacht

--paul h.

7236.
Thick air wafts up front
SPAM's sweet scent, black night's high speed
Chauffeur succumbs. Crash!!!

--paul h.

7237.
Blue metal capsule
Squishy pink flesh, oily ham
Squidgy and Dodi

--paul h.

MSB Meets NFL

7238.
He was a tight end
Oh yeah, he plays SPAMball too
Monkey Spanking Boy
--MSB

7239.
Monkey Spanking Boy
Throwing SPAM for a warmup
Reserve quarterback

--MSB

7240.
The game's on the line
Get the ball in the SPAMzone
Monkey Spanking Boy

--MSB

7241.
Monkey Spanking Boy
Fumbles the snap from center
SPAM gel on his hands

--MSB

7242.
SPAM in the huddle
Our hero calls his number
Monkey Spanking Boy

--MSB

7243.
Monkey Spanking Boy
Squirts through the line like greased SPAM
Makes the winning score

--MSB

7244.
Don't touch the game ball
It might be SPAM, it might not
Monkey Spanking Boy

--MSB

"Good Taste"

7374.
Di's car is a wreck.
Paparazzi climb on it.
No...they're from Hormel.
--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

7375.
Di's eternal now.
What was left, scraped off the road,
Put in neat blue tins.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

7376.
SPAM sent to Palace.
Charles sits to feast upon a
Meal fit for a Prince.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

7377.
Elizabeth burps.
"Well," she says, "that Diana
Always had good taste.

--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

Grease Job

7223.
Got mad at someone.
Filled their car with SPAM, and it
then smelled really bad.
--Lady Pixel, ladypixel@geocities.com

7224.
Rubbed SPAM on their car.
Coated it with greasy pink
stuff, then let it sit.

--Lady Pixel, ladypixel@geocities.com

7225.
Rubbed SPAM on the seats;
it turned them a rather bad
color, but who cares?

--Lady Pixel, ladypixel@geocities.com

7226.
Put all the SPAM cans
in the rear, but glued a few
on top of the trunk.

--Lady Pixel, ladypixel@geocities.com

7227.
The trunk was neatly
decorated with the cans.
We were very proud.

--Lady Pixel, ladypixel@geocities.com

7228.
Once the car was done,
we walked away, smiling lots.
We were very sick.

--Lady Pixel, ladypixel@geocities.com

"Good Taste" (cont.)

7458.
First Di, now Mother
Teresa. Hormel execs
Can't believe their luck.
--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

7459.
Slums of Calcutta.
SPAM donated by the ton.
The poor go berserk.
--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

7460.
Teresa's body
Set upon a pyre of SPAM.
Lit. Oh god, the stench.
--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

7461.
Frenzied followers
Throw themselves upon the fire.
Soon, agony ends.
--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com

7462.
Bad news, Catholics.
Just read that Hormel will make
Communion wafers.
--Martin H. Booda, booda@datasync.com


Return to the SPAM Haiku Archive page.
John Nagamichi Cho


SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation for luncheon meat. The Haiku Archive Master and the contributors to this website have no legal, commercial or financial involvement with Hormel Foods. Neither the information presented here, nor the manner in which it has been presented, has been sanctioned by Hormel Foods.