Subject: Programming Languages Are Like Women

From: [email-masked] (Kenneth B. Kirksey)
Date: Thu, 30 Dec 1999 19:20:00 PST

Warning:  This list may be offensive to ardent feminists.

[Ed:  This is similar to another item Dan co-wrote, comparing
programming languages to cars.  The one with the cars is superior.  It
appears in Volume I of the TeleJokeBook series.]

by:  Daniel J.  Salomon Department of Computer Science, University of
Waterloo Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1

There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for
you.  On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to
them.  So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming
languages that describes what kind of women they would be if
programming languages were women.

*Assembler* -- A female track star who holds all the world speed
records.  She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to
embrace.  She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed
recipe.  She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables
like "MOV, JUMP, INC".  She has a fierce and violent temper that make
her the choice of last resort.

*FORTRAN* -- Your grey-haired grandmother.  People make fun of her just
because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn
from her experiences and her mistakes.  During her lifetime she has
acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine
libraries).  That no younger women can match, so be thankful she is
still around.  She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will
start yelling and throwing dishes.  It was mostly her bad temper that
made grandad search for another wife.

*COBOL* -- A plump secretary.  She talks far too much, and most of what
she says can be ignored.  She works hard and long hours, but can't
handle really complicated jobs.  She has a short and unpredictable
temper, so no one really likes working with her.  She can cook meals
for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.

*BASIC* -- The horny divorcee that lives next door.  Her specialty is
seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for
them.  She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem
amazing because it is their first experience.  She is not that young
herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember
her fondly.  Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely
irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like.  The opinion that
adults have of Mrs.  BASIC is varied.  Shockingly, some fathers
actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman!  But generally
the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men
by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.

*PL/I* -- A bordello madam.  She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and
red high heels.  At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she
just seems overweight and tacky.  Tastes change.

*C* -- A lady executive.  An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too
talkative.  Is an good cook if you like spicy food.  Unless you double
check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce
temper.  Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums,
but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder
temper and more sophisticated character.

*ALGOL 60* -- Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned,
and sweet tempered.  She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but
your dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance.
He never actually tasted much of her cooking.

*Pascal* -- A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister.
Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy.  She is a
good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot
(module).

*Modula II* -- A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter.  Very much
like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.

*ALGOL 68* -- Algol 60's niece.  A high-society woman, well educated
and terse.  Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her
former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality.  She is very
choosy about her romances and won't take just any man as her lover.  She
hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from
an ivory tower.

*LISP* -- She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with
her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH.  Many men (mostly college
students) who have visited the farmhouse enthusiastically praise the
natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there.  Others
criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures
(prefix and postfix).  Although these women seldom have full-time jobs,
when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination,
but usually not for their efficiency.

*APL* -- A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food.  She can cook
delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at
each table.  She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work
down.  Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a
foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.

*LOGO* -- A grade-school art teacher.  She is just the kind of teacher
that you wish you had when you were young.  She is shapely and patient,
but not an interesting conversationalist.  She can cook up delicious
kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals.

*LUCID & PROLOG* -- These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking
skill.  They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working
solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking).
Many men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage.
Others complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the
description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be.  It
is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully
mature.

*Ada* -- A WAC colonel built like an amazon.  She is always setting
strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper.  She is
quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure
military talk.  You gotta love her though, because the army says so.

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