Date: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 00:17:39 EDT From: "perchance to sleep? ah, that's the rub..." Subject: EXERCISE: Values (Unselfishness and Sensitivity) #10 [Based on the book "Teaching Your Children Values" by Linda and Richard Eyre, ISBN 0-671-76966-9] (p. 181) "Becoming more extra-centered and less self-centered. Learning to feel with and for others. Empathy, tolerance, brotherhood. Sensitivity to needs in people and situations." Some people "have a natural and seemingly inherent sense of caring and sensitivity. Such cases are rather rare, however, and the self-centered 'surrounded by mirrors' perspective of life is typical..." "General Guidelines" include: 1. Praise. Reinforce--and cause repetition of--unselfish behavior. Sharing is always worth celebrating! 2. Give responsibility. Try to bring out appreciation and empathy for the difficulties and challenges of others. 3. Teach by example and active listening. The attitude of empathy and the kinds of sensitivity need to be obvious. 4. Say "I'm sorry." It is hard to be in tune, sensitive, etc. all the time, and we all make mistakes. When you realize you've blown it, take the time to say "I'm sorry." 5. Make an effort to tell people how the things they do make you feel. Especially when you're hurt, it may be easier to hide it--don't. 6. Remember that unselfishness does not come naturally. Maintain patience, and work on the process, with the thinking, practice, and time to make it happen. Some observations/games... Take a picture from a magazine that shows someone in a situation that is unusual for you. Know try to imagine and describe how the person in the picture feels, physically, emotionally, etc. What are they likely to do because of that feeling, and how should people react? Noticing game: When the leader of the game says to (without notice or warning) close your eyes. Then describe, as best you can, the room or scene around you, and especially the people around you. Helps teach awareness of where we are and what is going on around us. Look and listen for needs: Look for people's needs. "To see needs, you have to look hard and listen hard. Someone might be feeling just a little discouraged and need some encouragement, or a little insecure and need a compliment. Or someone might feel left out and need a friend, or useless and need to be asked for help." "Whose problem is that?" "Whenever an example or instance of [cruel] teasing or meanness or peer abuse comes to your attention," remember that most people who behave in such ways often do so because they were mistreated by someone else, fear of being mistreated, or because of insecurity. Get in the habit of asking "why do I think they did that?" and "Whose problem is that?" A pair exercise--one person tells about an experience. The other repeats back, paraphrasing, visualizing the experience as if it happened to them. And then the other adds in their best guess as to how the first person felt. Both can contribute to correcting and discussing the feelings. Sensitivity to needs in others... Perhaps we can start with a pair of characters. Feel free to dress our pair up as you please, setting them in a milieu of your choice, with problems, dreams and schemes suited to your taste. Spend a few moments getting those two in mind. Got them? Okay. Pick a number from one to six, if you would? 1. Death of a relative 2. Serious loss (e.g. a flood just washed out the farm? Fire just wiped out the house? You decide!) 3. Diagnosis of illness 4. Notice that the fear is loose again... 5. Crime has struck 6. The long held secret is being published in the news tonight... Oops. Flip a coin and pick one of your pair, please? Okay. The person you've picked has a "secret"--at least as far as the other one is concerned. This problem has come up, and they are struggling silently and alone with it. The other person (probably the POV character) is just interested in the excitement of going to... One more number, please? 1. A concert (rock, classic, laser cybernaughts? you choose!) 2. A picnic with friends 3. The friday night hangout with the gang 4. A poetry SLAM 5. The big party where the recent ex is going to be 6. A ten-year reunion So the two are diving into this scene, with one person excited and the other perhaps a little quieter than usual. Part one--put us into the scene, introduce us, let us sip at the punch. Part two--make us realize that something isn't quite right, that there are just a few too many jokes without laughter, that the fizz in the air has gone flat. Part three--and how shall we learn the truth? How do we let our friend know that even in the midst of this event, they can talk to us? Can you write one scene, or perhaps a whole story as we learn how to listen, how to be open to the person who is hurting? Or a poem, flashing glimpses of these two lives, with pain dripping from the torn leaves of the one, and comfort caught on the thorns of the other, entwined in support as they reach towards tomorrow? Write! tink