Date: Fri, 25 Jul 1997 12:12:16 EDT From: keyboard pushups Subject: EXERCISE: Values (Kindliness and Friendliness) #11 [Based on the book "Teaching Your Children Values" by Linda and Richard Eyre, ISBN 0-671-76966-9] (p. 203) "Awareness that being kind and considerate is more admirable than being tough or strong. The tendency to understand rather than confront. Gentleness, particularly toward those who are younger or weaker. The ability to make and keep friends. Helpfulness. Cheerfulness." "Simple friendliness (based on our earlier-established criteria and definition of a value as something that _helps_ others and diminishes _hurt_ in others) is a profound value. Often a simple act of kindness or a word or two of extended friendship can change another person's attitude and mood for the rest of a day--and longer." "General Guidelines" include: 1. Teach by example. Give clear and specific models for friendliness, kindness, and politeness. This value is one that cannot be overdone. Use "please,""thank you," and "excuse me" profusely. Say nice things. Practice etiquette in everything. Smile a lot! 2. Have a "gentleness and politeness" pact. Do - be polite. Do - Smile and ask how are you, then really listen to the answer. Don't - yell or raise your voice. Don't - say anything critical of yourself or others. 3. Look people in the eye when you speak to them. Practice encounters if you need to rehearse beforehand. 4. Compliment awards -- remember and tell each other about the nicest compliment given to another person this week. Think about how to notice things and give sincere and specific compliments. Consider exactly what a compliment does for its recipient--consider how you feel when you get compliments! Some observations/games... Icebreaker award--encourage initiating conversations and making new friends. Praise and encourage attempts to introduce yourself, start a conversation, make a new friend, etc. "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." Think through the results of "winning" in a discussion or personal conflict in a way that makes another person "lose." Think about ways to work together in a "win-win" fashion. Look for those who have been left out and think about ways to include them. "Smile, ask, listen" -- like stop, look, and listen for crossing streets. A smile brightens the day for everyone. A question gets conversations started and lets the other person know you are interested. And really listening helps you learn about and know someone. You can learn something from everyone. Too often, we feel we can only be friends with people like us. This means we miss the opportunities to learn from those who appear dissimilar, we miss the great slices of life that lie just over our horizons, we miss the spice that difference adds. okay? frondliness...er, ah, for those of you not in the vegetative phase, make that friendliness. (there's also friedliness, but that's only a question for pork rinds and other hot shots) Let's see if we can't find a quote to start us thinking. A number from one to six, if you please? 1. A new friend is like new wine; when it has aged you will drink it with pleasure. Apocrypha, Ecclesiasticus (:10. 2. This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects; for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half. Francis Bacon, "Of Friendship," Essays (1625). 3. It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. Emerson, Journals, 1836. 4. Real friendship is shown in times of trouble;/ prosperity is full of friends. Euripedes, Hecuba (c. 425 BC) tr. William Arrowsmith 5. We need new friends; some of us are cannibals who have eaten their old friends up; others must have ever-renewed audiences before whom to re-enact the ideal version of their lives. Logan Pearsall Smith, Afterthoughts (1931), 3. 6. There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy and not pain around us. Emerson, "Behavior," The Conduct of Life (1860). [Quotes taken from The International Thesaurus of Quotations, by Rhoda Thomas Tripp, ISBN 0-06-091382-7] And roll your dice (all right, the pedantic may roll their die, and the really well off can flip their chuckaluck cage, I suppose) again, please? And your number is: 1. a used lottery ticket stub 2. a casino chip 3. a fortune cookie slip 4. a four-leaf clover 5. a racing form 6. a single card (tarot? just a battered Jack of Hearts? you decide!) So we have a quotation, with the thoughts that may have pulled. We have a piece of luck, ready for destiny to strike--or perhaps drenched in memories of the day when...what did happen that day? And we have the reader, waiting for our flying fingers to churn out something to tie it all together... Pick a character or two, maybe three. Think about the scenes--should we start with a scene showing a tentative move toward kindliness and friendship, and the problems that come up? Then perhaps some scenes showing the growing difficulty of continuing with that urge to reach out...and the rising stakes? And that final scene, where our protagonist must decide, must act, must face themselves and put their own concept of self on the line...with a touch of a lucky piece and a quotation ringing in the background somewhere? Make your own tale up, with threads of kindness and friendliness being tuned, plucked, even snapped in the stress of life. Write it up, polish for lucidity and clairvoyance, and let the readers know that you've been hard at work... tink