>>> Item number 7042 from WRITERS LOG9212C --- (114 records) ----- <<< Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1992 13:11:58 JST Reply-To: WRITERS Sender: WRITERS From: Mike Barker Subject: SUB: A Senatorial Nightmare [with a little bit of luck, an offense for everyone! season's weepings, and all that.] The Scarlet Badge of Perversity (A Senatorial Nightmare) uncopyright m. barker 1992 915 words The table was just beside the runway, and his drink chilled perfection as he sipped it, listening to the announcer. "Eet is with pride zat I present ze first American showing of my designs for the new century, celebrating ze American working styles of ze 1990's." The lights dimmed as the first model stepped out, glistening as the spotlight hit. "Yes, an inspired rendition of ze early porcupine dress. Ze pins are stainless steel, computer designed to catch zose wandering hands and rip ze skin off. For zis rendition of a true classic, I have only added a mere hint of curare on ze tips, and accents of fishhooks here and there." He blinked as the model swayed slowly down the runway, and the crowd applauded. A second spotlight picked up another model at the curtains. "Ah, here is another favorite. Ze airbag, automatically inflated by close approach. Again, very little can be done with such a classic, although I have added small contact mines to the outside, and taken ze liberty of providing a selection of poison gasses for your pleasure. Ze latest in Paris for daytime is ze mustard gas, while ze night belongs to ze incendiaries." His hand tightened around the glass. The model waddled slowly down the runway. "I am pleased to offer you the services of our affiliate, Office Duennas. Every one licensed to maim, and trained to spot the earliest taint of romance in the workplace. But I am even happier to announce that I have the exclusive right to bring you the first public version of their uniform." Another model stepped out on the runway. "Here it is, my latest creation, especially for you. A confection of barbed wire, razor wire, and you. As you can see, walking in this makes the darling blades slice up and down. And..." The spotlight tightened on the model's arm as it raised slowly, and then formed a fist. The wall across the room suddenly boomed and pinged as grit settled on nearby tables. "There! Please sit up, there is no danger to anyone here. But look. Even as the cute little rocket smashes the wall, the razor blades on the glove, forearm, and shoulders rise, ready to make ribbons like this!" The model waved the clenched fist as a piece of meat came flying from the curtains. Et voila, hamburger covered the runway. He gulped at the drink, then wiped his forehead with a handkerchief. Several people were standing and applauding. The lights finally dimmed as the staff hurriedly swept the runway clear and buyers tapped at pocket computers, placing electronic orders. He'd gotten a new drink, although he wasn't quite sure how. "Ah, now we come to one of my favorites parts - ze underwear. Zis year I have several new items, guaranteed to become ze bestsellers." A model moved the curtain aside and slowly paraded forth. "Zis is our new line of Reagan wear. Each piece is teflon coated, guaranteed to resist sticking. You know how hard it can be to keep those nasty nocturnal emissions out, well, Reagan wear is made to keep even nasty looks away!" The next model was carrying several items, rather than wearing them. "I am so sorry, but we simply could not ask the models to demonstrate these items for the men. First, of course, I have a new line of reversed cups, to help you avoid those tasteless bulges that can be so embarrassing. The modern long-leg style is very popular this year." "And zis is our mini-antoinette. One merely attaches it, then one pull on ze golden string and your friends can be assured you are peckerless. Ze little head drops into ze little basket, zo nice! We also offer a very nice line of woodpeckers made in the Black Forest of Germany which can be packaged with zese. Today only, I can give you a reduced price if both are ordered together." He leaned forward, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he was surprised to see a string hanging down from his coat into his drink. He started to pull it out of the glass, then stopped. It was golden. It seemed to be stuck to the ice in the glass. "I am also proud to announce that one of the largest perfume companies of Paris and I have joined to bring you a new line of designer regurgitants, purgatives, and other chemical aids to better American life. We have small samplers for each of you." The applause was thunderous. He closed his eyes, as tears squeezed under the lids. The official voice was soothing in its roughness, after drowning in the professional oil of the French designer. "All garments and other items on sale here are certified by the U.S. Government as aids in enforcing the Peckwood amendment." Now, at last, he stood. He threw the glass down, then shouted "It's Packwood, dammit. Packwood!" The French announcer looked him in the face, then glanced lower. He looked down, too. He paled. "Why, thank you, we did need a volunteer to demonstrate how ze mini-antoinette helps remove zose nasty problems from ze workplace. And I quite understand why you might want to pack wood, sir .. or madam, as ze case may be. I will be happy to give you one of those German woodpeckers for your timely help. Thank you, thank you, thank you." The applause rose again. *mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike* (alright, that's silly. but is it silly enough? Gracey, what do you think? Well, my uncle always said when the silly get going.. what was the question?.... say goodbye, mike. goodbye, mike. *GRIN* :-) *mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike**mike*