>>> Item number 21827 from WRITERS LOG9312A --- (57 records) ----- <<< Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1993 01:20:02 JST Reply-To: WRITERS Sender: WRITERS From: Mike Barker Subject: SUB: IPU News Report - December 1, 1993 IPU News Report - December 1, 1993 Preparations for the Internet 25th Anniversary next year have stripped the secrecy away from one of the hidden requirements of that and other networks such as Usenet and the strange way it is satisfied every day. An anonymous employee of one of the earliest companies involved in building the networks told interviewers: "Our protocol design from the earliest stages required H.A. and F. Plenty of both. We thought the problem would be supplying the necessary levels, but we've been pleased to see users meeting that need easily." Secret documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act show that the earliest plans were to obtain the necessary raw materials from cows. This plan, abandoned at an early date, has resulted in a surprising fixation on cows in these networks which continues to this day. A company official who refused to be named admitted, "In the early days of the network, we contributed enough H.A. to get them started. But we were surprised when the users started providing more pure H.A. and F. than we ever could." Usenet, and especially netnews, is credited with providing the amazingly high minimum daily levels of these materials currently needed by all the networks. However, certain measurements indicate that the level needed for regular growth is being exceeded by such a large amount that there is serious danger present. A network architect, unemployed and in hiding in an asylum specially isolated from all electronic media, told the press: "Look at it this way - one extra sharp shock or an especially heated argument could drive the network over the top, and the whole damned thing would either float into space and explode or go into spontaneous combustion. And those are the optimistic scenarios!" Other officials insist that a new process established recently by the White House will make adequate provisions for controlling the runaway introduction of raw materials, although some rumors suggest that the new levels of these materials may be due to this process. All that can be confirmed at this point is that hot air (H.A.) and flatulence (F.) rather than being banes of the networks are actually two of the main components keeping the networks busy. Rumors that the proposed high-speed networks are necessary to safely cope with the evergrowing levels of these materials could not be confirmed. Careful research by reporters failed to identify the exact location or other evidence about a top-secret toxic waste dumping facility known to insiders as the bit bucket. Finally, rumors that multi-media software was being developed with government backing specifically to allow proper handling of a new secret material known only as B.S. were not confirmed by officials, although several agreed privately that this material was a major product of their offices. Internet Press Uninhibited - with the news that's not, when it's hot!