Date:         Mon, 27 May 1996 12:23:40 EDT
From: tink rides again <mbarker@MIT.EDU>
Organization: "de bait, de taunt, de flate"
Subject:      SUB: 'Studs on the Internet'

a parity, a pear of tea, a pair o' ... you got a full house?
I'll fold underwear.

on wit the shew!

tink

(somewhat reduced from the original--I couldn't bear to
stretch it out that long or wander that far afield...
by the by, this is based on work by Len Johnston, although
he deserves none of the blame for your brittle laughter)

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                         Light Bulbs and Men
                                  or
                        Why the InterNet Burns

Look around you.  Point out the things you are absolutely
certain were invented or made by men.  You can see nothing?
Yet men comprise fifty percent of the population!

(admittedly, it is the lower half, but what can one expect
from anyone handicapped since childhood by peter pulling and
loose balls?)

The reason for this apparent anomaly lies buried forever in
the romantic mists of evolution.  However, lacking any good
reason, I offer this foghorn blast of illogic to part the
mists.

First, let me assert that women came to use the side of the
brain that uses logic to outwit the animals they lived with.
This overuse of one side of the brain, in turn, led to tool
making.  We will probably never know whether the first tool
women made was the rock, used to quiet the ugly beasts by
applying it to their thick skulls, or the stick, used to
make the snoring fools roll over, but it is clear beyond any
need for evidence that women were the first tool makers.

(Incidentally, this side of the brain is better known among
the feminist cogniscenti as the top side, which has given
rise to certain jokes about just who's on top.  But we must
avoid being distracted by a shapely cerebral cortex right
now, and forge ahead with a paean of undeserved praise for
the intercession of tool making in everyday lies.:-)

Tool making!  That incredible advance beyond the animals,
and certainly beyond the capabilities of mere men, which
after a long hard battle to overcome the handicap of life
with men eventually allowed women to build, bully, and
beguile men into putting up with the fantastic technology of
today.  It will, of course, in time build the technology of
tomorrow (toilets with automatic seat putter-downers!
kitchen magic machines that slice, dice, and wash--with men
using them!  and, yes, even a way for men to gripe in large
numbers while scratching themselves in private).

Second, I assert that men, hopefully after having washed
their hands, tend to use the other side of the brain when
forced to scratch their heads and do something with the
space between their hairy ears.  This lower side, naturally,
is the social side of the brain.  Look at any street corner
gang, and you will see primitive man continues untouched
today.  Unwashed as well.  (perhaps the untouchableness of
the oafs comes from their unwashed state of grime?  no, that
would be too dirty to touch...bad punishment beyond even my
wordy self:-)

It is, then, men who shape our society.  They are not
concerned with petty things like tool making; they have more
important work to do like bullshitting and holding meetings.
They are the ones who give us our sense of values, our
social laws. They hold the family together with an iron
belt.

Men are the great communicators.  Look in your garages.
Look in the bars, the street corners, anywhere that men hang
out.  It is there you will find man's contribution to our
society, not in the bookcases.  Men use language to grunt
and avoid work.  Women use it to try to get something done.

You will not find women arguing about who stripped the nut
while twisting the bolt the wrong way.  They simply go out
and get a new nut.

Men gripe.  They talk about their fantasies of women.  They
lie to each other a great deal about abstractions which have
no referents in the real world.  They even lie about
concrete realities, like how big fish are, and how long five
inches is.

Shall we blame all this on the lumpish ganglion so often
found in men, or on the ventricles, meninges, medulla
obbligato, pons deferens, cerebellum and antebellum, excited
reticular deformations, thalamussed, hyperthalamussy, and
cerebrum cerebrating wildly to the shock-shock-schlock of
the falling keys which the finer sensibilities of the women
engage?  One hardly knows which nerves to blame for what,
does one?

I'm speaking generally of course. It is obvious there are
men who are almost as capable as any woman with a hammer and
there are women who are handicapped with many of the
attributes of the inferior sex.  Nature wastes nothing,
certainly not the reasoning power of half of the population.

Men do a fine job of that by themselves.
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