>>> Item number 35043 from WRITERS LOG9408A --- (74 records) ----- <<< Date: Sat, 6 Aug 1994 18:35:02 JST Reply-To: WRITERS Sender: WRITERS From: Mike Barker Subject: FILLER: CONAN FORMATION (was: And now for something completely diff--AAAAGGGHHH!!!!) [sorry, randy, my vagaries ran another way...] this is silly, michael. (Michael.Moore@UNI.EDU (Michael L. Moore)) - I'm leaving for the day now, but, seeing the group enervated by the - latest flame war--one in which real flames played a prospective role-- - I'm thinking now is the time to start typographic fisticuffs again - about CANON FORMATION!!!!!! viola! ask and be disappointed. start with a barbarian. should be well above average in physique, with bulging muscles, surprisingly kempt in appearance despite total lack of cleaning and other facilities (have you ever tried to find a good clothes store in a steaming tropical jungle, mountainous glacier, or even just the grasslands? blooming tailors are never around when you need them to hang your loin cloth!) Pass childhood in nature becoming a noble savage, able to outrun slugs, jump with the wallabies, start a fire by rubbing his legs together, and other miraculous little tricks. Incredible language skills always tossed in gratis. pick up sword, animal companions, and other helpful nonsense for later use. may or may not figure out that as the only 6'3" teutonic weightlifter in a homogenous culture of brown-haired short people, he may not be right at home... destroy hometown and other social restraints that might provide some stability for the sucker. preferably in manner intended to leave the idiot with a guilty feeling that he could have prevented it, but didn't... having him out on a forbidden trip or something is a good tactic. give him just barely enough clues to get him started on a revenge trip, thus avoiding having to face up to his own feelings of guilt, etc. Given the clear implausibility of carrying out said revenge, you are well along the way to formation of a solid, well-crafted Conan. gather various companions and other help while casually dropping problems that have baffled others for decades or centuries. may discover that there is something more to life than the old home valley, although lessons learned there appear to rule the world. if at all implausible, should never quite track down the evil that started the whole nine yards of fantasy rolling. just take care of adventure after adventure while slowly rambling around and around, wondering why every incredible thing in the world is perfectly timed for Conan formation to occur. Actually, this is an illusion. The truth is that for every finished Conan, 985.76 unfinished Conans are bumped off by the tremendous natural forces used in the forging. However, since we normally only see successful results of Conan formation, very few people realize the attrition rates involved in developing those heroic shoulders, muscular thighs, and tiny pinheads... I hope this helps with your war of the words. - At home in the Hub of the Universe... that may be why you think Conan formation is worthy of fisticuffs... hey, maybe Roger can tell us where we can get bulk rates on psychotherapy? [do multiple personalities get a discount, or just splitting headaches?] tink