Date: Sat, 17 Jun 1995 13:28:35 EDT From: "scritch, scratch" Subject: TECH: Show a little life... Comments: To: the white hills He pressed a key on the keyboard, then stared at the screen. On the bookshelves over his head, a foot-tall plastic "Creature from the Black Lagoon" lifted its arms over copies of computer documents with large "X" marks on their covers, strange dragons being slain by armored programmers, and other peculiar pieces of computer lore. The computer screen sat over a flaming pink pig's nose flanked by two bulging pink eyes--bloodshot, naturally. "Christ, they think I know everything," he muttered. He pressed a twisted combination of keys involving his little finger holding down Ctrl while his other fingers danced on the regular keys, and a new window opened in his editor, complete with email headings and flashing cursor. Then he started to type. He typed a few words. Then he deleted them. Then he typed them in again. He added more. He stopped and glanced through a paperback "Webster's New World Thesaurus" once. The front backing was bent, and the edges discolored where his thumb rubbed. He flipped to one part, read the entry under "books," then flipped to another part and looked for "tome." Finally, he set the book down and typed "peculiar pieces of computer lore." A few sentences later, he stopped again. He leaned back, pressed the up arrow key, and then read what he had written so far. He fixed a typo (blodshot, indeed), then changed the order a bit, and fiddled a bit more. He leaned back, rubbed his nose, pushed his glasses up, and shook his head. "How can a writer show, not tell? Let's see--use third person. Details. Senses. Stay out of the character's head--if you're tempted to get inside, figure out what kind of action, what kind of movement or dialogue, something the character can DO that would show what they are thinking--and put that where you snuck into his head. And, sadly, practice, practice, practice. Then rewrite." He talked to himself, re-read what he had written, scratched suddenly at the soft skin inside his elbow where his shirt had slid down, and took a sip of cold coffee. He grimaced. Then he read the whole thing a few more times, from the beginning. He added a few words here, deleted some there. He cut out the part about the soft skin inside his elbow suddenly itching--only the character would know it itched. He grumbled and decided not to use "hesitantly" to describe his typing--instead he described hesitant typing and let the reader figure it out. He typed out a summary of the key points. Then he backed up and tried to work it into the scene he'd described. It didn't fit very well, but after trying several things, with a curse he stopped trying to make it a natural part of the scene and just summarized the attempt to work it in. So he scrolled down, and looked at the screen with its list of points. Tink's quick and dirty guide to Show, don't Tell. 1. Use third person impersonal. 2. Use details. 3. Use senses--sight, sound, feeling, taste, smell. 4. Use actions, dialogue--stay out of your character's heads 5. Practice. 6. Revise. 7. Use scenes. Scenes are in a setting, they have people doing things, they are not summaries. He let his fingers curl on the keyboard, took a deep breath, and saved the file. Later he would log in and post it. [well, it ain't exactly Hemingway, but maybe it will help? If you're looking for an exercise, take a scene from a T.V. show or wherever you find one and write it up in your own words. Then go back over it and pick out every spot where you summarized or snuck into the characters' heads. Then rewrite. Review it again. Rewrite...] (I was asked for advice on how to show, not tell...this is the result. would anyone else like to take a crack at the problem? it isn't easy, and I don't think I've done a very good job on answering it...) tink