Stupid Bird and Owner Tricks

Some of these were funny. Some of these were freaky! Some of these were both freaky and (in retrospect) funny, but should never happen again. A few of these were even good!

Learn from the mistakes -- don't risk a tragedy! Expect your bird to be stupid, but don't be stupid yourself.

| Silly Birdie Tricks | Definitely Bad Human Tricks | Good Human! You Get a Biscuit! |

Silly Birdie Tricks

And two silly doggie tricks

(Cheep is Cheep-Cheep the lovebird; Torque and Tcsh ("teesh") are cockatiels)

This bird has taste! I know a tame mukudori (Japanese gray starling) that eats a variety of human foods. When some food gets a few hours old, it loses its fresh flavor. This clever bird taught herself to take the "stale" food and dunk it in a separate bin of flaked dried fish before eating. Essentially, she's seasoning her own food. What a bird!

Cheep Escapes in his Wheel! Cheep used to have a safely designed, plastic running wheel in his cage. We were also medicating him, which meant catching him in a small towel -- which meant chasing him all over the cage with the towel. One day when trying to capture him, he leaped into the running wheel and started running as fast as his little legs could carry him! "I'm running fast, so I must be getting somewhere!" The sight was so funny and pathetic that we gave him a short reprieve. So, ironically, Cheep's strategy worked -- fleeing in the running wheel actually saved him. For a while. (So, is this a stupid bird trick or a stupid human trick?)

Tcsh's Landing Strategy. Yes, Tcsh can fly, wings clipped or not clipped (he's a very well-feathered cockatiel). We are trying an experiment, where every time he lands on something that's NOT a person, he gets put back in his cage. This seems to have helped teach him to land on people (usually), but now he uses it as an excuse to stay out of his cage: when he thinks we're putting him back in the cage, he launches himself, flies around, and lands on a person! ("See? I landed on a human. Now I can stay out, right?") Argh!

Cheep's Landing Strategy. These days, with a large dog running around who might step on him if he ever falls to the floor, we've let Cheep's wing feathers grow out (remember also that he's not a healthy bird, due to PDD, and is not the type to go flying around getting in trouble; nor does he have behavior problems that require clipping). As noted above, we taught the cockatiel to land on a person if he doesn't want to be put back in his cage (and he doesn't), and sometimes he uses this to his advantage. Well, Cheep loves his cage these days (in part because it's warm and he has PDD); if he's in sight of it he'll sometimes fly right back to it. But when he's out of sight of his cage, he now has the bad habit of flying up onto a lamp shade to make us take him back! The birds have sure trained the humans well. (Note: to avoid this, keep your birds' wing feathers clipped!)

Torque and the Evil Spaghetti. Torque loved his spaghetti (I think it's a cockatiel thing). He would stand by my plate and stuff pasta down his beak. One day, though, he decided to walk ACROSS the plate! The food was still pretty hot, and the poor bird was so angry from the foot pain that he kept stopping to attack both his feet and the spaghetti underfoot, making indignant noises the whole time! Yo, Stupid... get off the plate!

Tcsh Groks Doors. The story of how Tcsh didn't understand how a vertical door works, and how it drove him nuts!
Cheep Names Himself! Cheep's name is technically "Chaos." However, he ignored the name "Chaos" and instead kept saying "cheep cheep!" "cheep cheep!" ... so I started saying "cheep cheep!" back, and he would reply "cheep cheep!" .... OK, I can take a hint. Even ten years later he replies "cheep cheep!" to the words "cheep cheep."
Cheep potty trains himself. At some point, we noticed the young lovebird, when perched on a finger (after we taught him not to bite), would look down at the ground, appear to think for a moment, and then, if the ground looked suitable, poop. Calling attention to trash bags or tissue paper beneath him can get him to look down and then poop. This worked really well at the last vet visit - I held him out over a bit of clean gauze for the poop sample, and plop! Wow! (He repeated this performance at the next vet visit too!)
Tcsh likes to dump on me. Tcsh seems to enjoy dumping on his second favorite person (let's say "No. 2"), not his first. At least as far as the humans can tell, when he is transferred from No. 1 to No. 2, he poops on No. 2. He will usually poop on No. 2 just before launching himself to land on No. 1. Once his preferences flip-flopped (No. 1 became No. 2 and vice versa), and so did his pooping habits. Hmmmmmm. Still, generally he is an equal opportunity pooper.
Cheep in a Box. I had packed Cheep into a box to take to the pet store for a wing clipping. I got home and opened the box, and a little green indignant bird screaming "cheepcheepcheepcheepcheep!" launched, fluttering, straight up into the air to eye level... and came crashing straight back down again, right back into the box. He looked just like a jack-in-the-box.... The wing clipping prevented him from getting lift, but even so, he could still leap!
Cheep and the Wine Bottles. At a previous apartment, Cheep liked to clamber over to some empty wine bottles lined up on a window. Perched on one, he leaned over, grabbed hold of the next one, pulled it off balance, and then let go. Then he would watch in delight as the wine bottle wub-wub-wub wobbled its way back to stability. Then he'd do it again. And again..... Two things made this OK: (1) we were watching closely and (2) the wine bottles were empty, clean, and had no foil on them.
Torque and the Yellow Box. Torque loved the color yellow (apparently common among male cockatiels, which I always thought odd, given males have the yellow face, not the females). Once we got a yellow software box, and Torque was in love with it! Unfortunately, male cockatiels in love get cranky, hissy, nippy, and irritating, so eventually the yellow box went away.
Cheep, Get Off My Head. Cheep, when he flies (especially when we've gotten lax about wing-clipping), likes landing on people's heads. We don't know why. He lets loose a proud series of "cheeps" as he does so, though. The inevitable human reply is, "Cheep, get off my head!"
Tcsh, Get Off My Nose! Tcsh is a hefty cockatiel, and his claws are sharp. Imagine having this big grey 'tiel land on your nose, flapping madly to stay balanced and digging in with those claws! Scary, but true. Luckily a one-time event.
Musical Budgie. Those budgies (parakeets) can sure be interesting individuals. One of them, a dark green female, is a musical bird ... she plucks the cage bars to make little "binnng!" sounds. She'll just sit there, and then she looks to the cage bars, reaches out her beak ... "Binnnngg!!" Then she sits there innocently. A few minutes later, "Binnnngg!!"
Tcsh Wins New Owners. Tcsh was the only cockatiel in the bird store cage who looked intrigued and interested when the humans came by. Moreover, he started up a weird little routine. From one perch, he would climb onto the cage wall, make a complete clockwise circuit around the walls of the cage (stopping once to grab some food), and then perch again. Then, a few moments later, repeat. And so on. OK, OK, how could we resist? Even now, when he wants attention, he runs a circle around the bottom of his cage, grabs a bite to eat, runs a circle around the bottom of his cage, grabs a bite to eat.... What a glutton....
Tcsh Spots a Spider! Tcsh is a spider detector. If he sees a bug on the ceiling, he cocks his head, looks at it, and starts making weird little noises. So if he's sitting there and making strange soft noises with a kind of dreamy air, look up at the ceiling for the obligatory spider. One time recently Tcsh enjoyed a lovely bath in the sink, and was all ready to start preening afterward - the birdie equivalent, perhaps, of setting one's hair and admiring oneself in the mirror after a nice wash. But then he saw a spider. For the next fifteen minutes, his wet feathers forgotten, he sat and looked at the ceiling and made funny little noises. Stupid bird....
Tcsh Dines from the Heights. Tcsh, like a few unusual cockatiels, holds food in his foot. Sometimes, he picks up a piece of food from the bowl in his beak, laboriously climbs up the cage wall to his perch, puts the food in his foot, and nibbles from the heights. And of course, when he sees anyone come by, or if anything startles him in the least, the food gets dropped, and he has to go get it and start all over again....
Tcsh Learns How to Bathe, Sort Of. Torque loved the spray mister. Tcsh, however, runs away. But luckily, he had a bathing mentor: Cheep. He would sit and watch as Cheep got a bath under the running tap at the kitchen sink, and before long, Tcsh got the idea ... sort of. Desert-bird Tcsh has no idea about putting his body beneath an actual trickle of water, and needs the water to form a rain-like spray. Since the sink sprayer doesn't work, the humans have to splash the water for him by hand... and keep splashing, and keep splashing... sigh. Oh well, whatever works!
Of all the CHEEK! Tcsh, like most adult cockatiels, has minor hissy fits for no apparent reason. Preening seems to frustrate him; after a few minutes of preening, he tends to get agitated and obnoxious. Sometimes, he's sitting on my shoulder preening. Mind you, I'm just sitting there too, maybe reading. Then suddenly he has a hissy fit and attacks the innocent side of my face as if it has personally insulted him, does a few flaps, then goes back to preening. Go figure!
Allergic to sound. Torque loved whistles - he'd put his head down and listen intently, a perfect study in cockatiel concentration... and then he'd tried to repeat it. But then there's Tcsh. Tcsh, despite being quite happy to make a ruckus when he (she?) wants out, hates it when other people whistle - he shakes his head and gets agitated. He even hates little clucking sounds that the lovebird enjoys. In fact, just by whistling enough, one can slowly drive him nuts enough that eventually he'll fly away ... whistling angrily.
Who said bird faces are expressionless? Tcsh, like Torque, is a morning bird. At night he gets this tired, grumpy look, hisses at people, threatens to bite (sometimes does so), and sort of just sits there. Except one night I got out some lactose-reduced vanilla ice cream and showed him the bowl and the spoon with the fluffy white stuff on it. I swear, his eyes grew wide and bright and hopeful and greedy all at the same time. It's exactly the doggie "OoOo food!!" look ... on a 'tiel. (Letting your tiel occasionally have a few bites of non-chocolate ice cream, especially lactose-reduced, is probably no more unhealthy than us having a big bowl of the stuff on occasion.)
OK OK I had no other places to put this. This isn't about the birds ... it's about my current dog Elsa, a big beautiful husky-shepherd mix who looks like a fat wolf with puppy eyes. Not the brightest dog in the world, but she loves being outdoors, and she loves flavored rawhide chews, and she loves eating things in her favorite locations (she has one spot indoors and probably a few outdoors). One day (indoors) I gave her an unusually thick rawhide chew. She normally lies down and eats rawhide chews immediately. Yet for two days she didn't touch this one; it was left on the floor near her favorite indoor spot. On the 2nd day she held it in her mouth and told me she wanted to go outside with it. I said no. The rawhide chew remained untouched. On the 3rd day she was finally let outdoors with the rawhide chew, where she presumably enjoyed the big thick treat in her absolute most favorite place outdoors. Who said dogs can't plan? Who said dogs can't anticipate? She knew exactly what she wanted to do with the chew and she waited for the right opportunity for three days! (Oh, and she definitely knows when she's been bad in the house - even hours later. Who said dogs can't remember?? We underestimate animals all the time!) P.S. Since then, I have seen the dog save really big chews for days, just to ... bury them in the garden :(
Oh one more silly doggy trick. My Shetland Sheepdog (Sheltie) I had when I was a kid was a smart little dog. She enjoyed fetching sticks and balls for about 10 minutes, and then would get bored. After a good round of fetching, you could see frustration building on her face. You knew the game was over when she would pick up the stick or ball in her mouth, then THROW it, then look at you with a "You go get it" expression on her face. (She taught herself to throw objects, even if she wasn't very good at it.) Game over, man, game over. I often wished I had sheep for her to use her intellect on.

The Definitely Bad Stupid Human Tricks

Cheep and the Wok. A long time ago, we stupidly had Cheep out while prepping a hot wok for some stir-fry. Cheep launched and fluttered into the wok! As we watched in absolute horror, Cheep, uttering a shrill sequence of alarmed "cheepcheepcheepcheepcheep"s, flapped madly, maintained his momentum, and went sailing on right out of the wok! I don't think his feet ever touched the wok! Thank God he got out of it so quickly -- otherwise he would've been horribly burned. Don't have the birds out while you're cooking food!
Tcsh and the Mirror. Tcsh can fly whether his wings are clipped or not. Our mirror (and kitchen window) have numerous 'tiel-dust imprints of a crashing cockatiel.... It's alarming every time it happens! Try to minimize the risk for birds: wing-clippings, curtains, not letting the bird out at certain times of day, and perhaps most usefully, putting up those removable/reusable window "stickers" to warn the bird that it's not free flying open space. (Even with bunches of stickers, Tcsh still sometimes chooses the ONE spot on the mirror/window with no stickers, and flies into it. So, more stickers go up....)
Houdini Cheep. Cheep's first cage was a small "beginner" cage with standard sliding doors. He quickly figured out how to get out. One day I got back to my room (this was in a dorm), and found the lovebird was missing! I searched everywhere, afraid I might step on him with one wrong move! Finally, I found the little bird nestled in the laundry basket, thirsty and hungry -- and the clothes, previously clean, now needed another washing. I got a cage with latches soon after that. (Not every bird figures these things out, but some do.)
Cheep eats his poop! Yes, Cheep has been known to nibble on his own dried poop. This speaks of a need for cleanliness....
Torque and the Torchiere. Yes, Torque nearly flapped into the hot torchiere lamp once! Ugh. This is why we never use ceiling fans, too -- better never use something that can be so deadly.
Tcsh in the Porch. Tcsh was in one room on one person; the other person was in another room and opened the front door. But Tcsh can fly. Through sheer bad luck, he went out into the enclosed porch and made several flapping circuits -- which is bad because there are gaps in the windows through which sparrows come and go! Thankfully, he came back, landed on his human, and all was all right.
Forgotten loose birdies. Yes, we've left the birds out on the cages and forgotten they were out. Later, the bird might jump and wind up on the floor. At least twice I was walking across the room and might have stepped on the lovebird! (He goes utterly silent when on the floor!) Talk about a nightmare.... Don't leave your birds out.
Delaying going to the vet. This speaks for itself. Take the ill/sick bird in to the vet if you haven't done so already.

Good Human! You Get a Biscuit!

A whole lot of Cornstarch to the Rescue. When a vet clipped a budgie toenail too short, he stopped the bleeding temporarily and it was fine all the way back home, but it started bleeding again maybe an hour later, at home. Huge drops of bright red blood falling from a tiny little green bird and splatting on the newspaper ... very alarming. I knew cornstarch could halt bleeding, but how do you pack it against a toenail? So I filled a shotglass with cornstarch, caught the budgie (carefully) and held the entire foot in the powder, packing the powder against the clipped nail. The bleeding stopped like magic. I held the budgie there for 20 minutes and thereafter it was fine.

Fighting a digestive disease. Well, the fight's not over yet, but I am glad that I decided to try syringe-feeding Cheep-Cheep when he was given a tentative diagnosis of PDD (chronic, uncurable disease). At the time, given what little information I had, it was the only thing to try, and I know it helped.
The "Earthquake" no-biting method. When Cheep got nippy as an adolescent, it made handling him a literal pain, a chore to be avoided (lovebirds bite harder than cockatiels do). But you can't punish a bird physically, and you should never ever cause a bird physical pain (unless, say, you're a vet and you're saving its life). I reasoned, though, that some kind of negative feedback could work. Sharply moving whatever Cheep was standing on when he bit down - causing a minor "earthquake" and a brief loss of balance - was a non-pain-causing, non-"threatening" form of negative feedback. I think lovebirds in general are relatively non-flighty (well, compared to cockatiels), and plus Cheep's wings were usually clipped and he knew he was a poor flyer, so the possibility that he might be thrown off his perch and have to try to fly (and likely land on the ground) was enough negative feedback to make him stop biting. (Not only that, but the bird has no person to blame and mistrust, because his own instincts tell him that a perch is part of a non-sentient tree and hence both innocent and blameless. And yet, there is still the cause-and-effect realization of "if I bite, my branch moves! I don't like that!" - and so (at least in my theory) it all works out very well.) However, with cockatiels - who fly at the drop of a hat (literally) - the "earthquake" is useless because they practically like to fly away from their perches. It seems even harder for them to remember that, say, their wings are clipped and they can't fly well at all. Oh well, the techniqued worked with Cheep and he did stop biting very quickly - and I think I heard that someone on the 'net tried it with their lovebird with some sucess too. (By the way, this technique made for a much happier lovebird in the long run, because it meant he got more human attention than he would have as a biter!)
Birds, eat your veggies. It took some ingenuity but it worked ....
Got air-conditioning for the car! This may sound stupid, but it's no joke transporting birds to the vet in a hot car in the summer. Make sure you get working air-conditioning....
As a new bird owner, I bought BIRD TALK and I bought informative books! Research, research, research!
I try looking at things from the bird's point of view. Helping Tcsh Grok Doors, the "Earthquake" no-biting technique, teaching birds to eat veggies, knowing potential feeding problems, giving birds showers they like, etc., are all results in part based on observing the bird and putting oneself in the bird's place. It is sometimes possible that, given an understanding of a bird's built-in instincts (e.g., fly when alarmed, or try to climb away first), natural species' environment, sensory perception abilities/limitations/attunement (e.g., sensitivity to tiny objects/patterns that resemble naturally occurring sources of food), and previous experiences (e.g., being given food on the cage bottom and not knowing about bowls), a mere human being can actually put him- or herself into the bird's sphere of understanding. This is like applying the spiritual law of "seek first to understand" to the scientific realm of animal behavior/ethology, plus psychology. From there - from the point of view of the bird's own mindset, the sum of its instincts, genetics, upbringing, and its own personality/spirit - our human realizations and solutions begin to flow. It becomes clear, for example, that a panicked cockatiel will never learn that window glass exists, because it is so outside a flighty bird's natural instincts to not fly through what looks just like empty space when its life is "at stake" - so we have to work around the problem with window stickers and curtains and wing clippings and the like. It also becomes clear that a cockatiel doesn't instinctively know to open a cooked pea's (or cooked sweet corn kernel's) tasteless shell with its beak to get to the sweet soft stuff inside - maybe we have to show it first, like a good birdie rolemodel. ....And sometimes one can draw fascinating conclusions the other way: figuring out what the bird's previous owners were like, or hazarding guesses about the lifestyles of wild lovebirds or wild cockatiels, such as making hypotheses about their bathing behavior or what they eat in the wild or what animals try to eat them. Now we start to really think, wonder, and perhaps even learn - and most importantly we draw closer to our own birds the more we understand and admire them!

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