This probably isn't very good, since I wrote it at 1:30 in the morning after a day of packing for a move. Oh well. If you have any comments, send them to: jrste@sandwich.net s/jrste/jrenken/ (And if you don't know what that means, I don't want to hear from you. ;) - The Author ----- (SoL. The bots are sitting in a pile in the corner, and Mike is frantically ty ping away.) MIKE: Just one more patch... (Mike types a short command and presses Return. A few seconds later, the bots all get up.) TOM: What was that?! MIKE: I just applied a kernel patch to you...you shouldn't leak memory now. CROW: Oh, good. I hate mopping up. (Suddenly, the viewscreen lights up. A very bad image of Dr. Forrester appears .) DR. F: Ssssssshey!ssssssssssssssmessssssss MIKE: D'oh, I forgot to apply the YFree87 fix... (Mike types another few commands, and the viewscreen snaps into focus.) DR. F: - you! Oh, there. I don't have much time today, so I'm just going to s end you the latest tidbit from the Linux Standards Association and skip the evi l genius stuff. TOM: ...Linux Standards Association? MIKE: I don't like this...oh no! We've got e-mail sign! > From MAILER-DAEMON Tue Aug 18 16:11:53 1998 CROW (as imp): Quit it, I'm pedalling as fast as I can! > Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1998 16:11:53 -0600 (MDT) > From: Mail System Internal Data MIKE: Ankh if you love Isis. > Subject: DON'T DELETE THIS MESSAGE -- FOLDER INTERNAL DATA CROW: ...this message not to be removed except by irate administrator, under pe nalty of PHAW. TOM: PHAW? CROW: Don't ask. > X-IMAP: 0903478313 0000000000 > Status: RO > This text is part of the internal format of your mail folder, and is not > a real message. It is created automatically by the mail system software. MIKE: And what if this message is, like, just a molecule in a *bigger* message, and... > If deleted, important folder data will be lost, and it will be re-created > with the data reset to initial values. TOM: Don't see much "important folder data" here. > From gabe@isis.utw.com Tue Aug 18 15:49:25 1998 -0600 > Status: R CROW: Not NC-17? > X-Status: > X-Keywords: > Return-Path: > Received: from central.linux.org (central.linux.org [198.182.196.48]) > by isis.utw.com (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id PAA04386 MIKE: "PAA! He's sending me e-mail again!" > for ; Tue, 18 Aug 1998 15:49:22 -0600 TOM: Well, that *does* usually happen when free beer is offered. MIKE: Or Open Source(tm) beer. > Received: from os2smp.dev.invlogic.com (mmclagan@os2smp.dev.invlogic.com [198 .1 > 82.196.17]) > by central.linux.org (8.8.7/8.8.7) with SMTP id RAA10053; > Tue, 18 Aug 1998 17:48:15 -0400 > Message-Id: <199808182148.RAA10053@central.linux.org> > From: "Michael McLagan" > To: "Gabe Ricard" CROW: Make it To. MIKE: Crow, it's "Ricard," not "Picard." Now, if it was Ratliff writing this.. . > Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1998 17:48:15 -0400 > Reply-To: "Michael McLagan" > Priority: Normal TOM: Second Day Air will be fine. > X-Mailer: PMMail 2.00.0150 for OS/2 Warp 3.00 > MIME-Version: 1.0 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit CROW: Ah, but is it ETLA compatible? > Subject: Slashdot post MIKE: Slash. Dot. Post. Repeat as necessary. CROW: *obligatory OJ joke* > Gabe, > I am quite frankly embarrassed by your post on slashdot.org's site in TOM: I'd be much more embarrassed about this flame mail. > reference to the Linux Standards Association. You have absolutely no clue at > all about Linux, how it came to be and where it's going. Quite frankly, as a MIKE: Who am I? Where am I going? > kernel contributor, you make me regret the work that I did to assist in the > very software you are so ignorantly triumphing. CROW: "Ignorantly triumphing?" TOM: I'm a kernel contributor, so I can do and say what I want and you can't, n eener neener neener! > Before you go shooting your blasted yap off in public you might want to CROW: No, a blasted yap is what happens after the CEO of LARTtech International is annoyed by a chihuahua. (Mike slaps Crow.) CROW: Ow! > invest a grey cell or two in determining WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE ATTACKING. Ask CROW: He's a fuck, all right. MIKE: Crow, this is supposed to be an R-rated message, but I still don't think you can say that too many times. > around and see who wrote the first frame relay drivers for Linux. Ask who > championed and later wrote the routing by source patch which is now part of > 2.1.XX. Not only have you discredited Stampede with your blatant foolishness , TOM: I'm a kernel contributor, so I can do and say what I want and you can't, n eener neener neener! > but you've made yourself a blight on the arse of Tux. MIKE: Do penguins *have* arses? CROW: Remember? "...but it's not politic, so we won't." MIKE: Oh. I guess. > And you're completely right, you can hack away at Linux till your hair > falls out and your fingers curl up into arthretic little balls and you will TOM (singing): Please don't bake or boil us, or fry us in a wok... > never need to concern yourself about the LSA. In fact, the entire community > can continue to slap at Linux like it's a big fuzzy ball, hugging it when it' s > convenient and pushing it out of the way when it's not. And within a MIKE: Uh? CROW: "...pushing it out of the way when it's not convenient?" MIKE: The only time I can think of when Linux wouldn't be convenient is when yo u need to run Oracle databases. TOM: Mike, they're porting it to Linux. MIKE: COOL! > reasonably short time, Linux will find it's way back into the obscure back > rooms from whence it came. CROW: Huhuhuh... MIKE: Don't even. > I won't wait for the apology, as I'll bet none is forthcoming. As a TOM: I suspect that something else is forthcoming, though. Like a nuclear miss ile. > representative of a distribution, you shouldn't have skipped those > professional behavior classes they were giving out. You definately need them . MIKE: *Who* needs the professional behavior classes here?! > Michael McLagan > Kernel Contributor TOM: I'm a kernel contributor, so I can do and say what I want and you can't, n eener neener neener! MIKE: We get the point, Tom. > Registered Owner, > Linux Online TOM: I'm the Registered Owner of Linux Online, so I can do and say what I want and you can't, neener neener neener! MIKE: Tom... > President, > Innovative Logic Corp TOM: I'm the President of - OW! MIKE: Don't make me install 0.99p2 on you again, Tom. CROW: Anyway, he's probably the only employee. TOM: You know, they let people under 18 start sole proprietorships... MIKE: That sounds likely. > President/CEO, > Linux Standards Association TOM: *mumbles something* MIKE: What was that, Friend Citizen? TOM: Urgh...nothing, Mike. (Everyone exits the theater - Dr. F. is waiting for them.) DR. F: Enjoy that little masterpiece, boys? MIKE: It sucked. CROW: Yeah. At least it's over. TOM: Wait, don't they have a Web si - (Mike presses a key.) TOM: Oops! DR. F: Push the button, Frank. FOOM! (that little Ghostbusters-ish ASCII art figure that you get when SMP oops es) The message that was MiSTed is property of Michael McLagan. The MiSTing itself is copyright (C) 1998 by James Renken, and is freely redistr ibutable as long as no fee is charged and this message remains intact. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 concept and the MST3K characters are property of Best Brains, Inc. Port Hawkesbury Atomic Wedgie is a trademark of Patrick Stewart. Hi[tm] How Are You Today is property of Ashley MacIsaac, and he can keep it. This story is *not* property of Stephen Ratliff, thank god. Reality is a registered trademark of Bavarian Light and Power. Anything else is potentially copyrighted by Microsoft. Microsoft is a register ed trademark of Microsoft Corporation.